Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

“Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”

Eyewitnesses: Bolingbrook Village Board members desperately avoiding each other (Fiction)

Are the members of Bolingbrook Village Board avoiding each other?  Eyewitness accounts suggest that they are.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw trustees Maria Zarate and Deresa Hoogland at Ikea.  According to Dena, the two didn’t notice each other at first.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“I was so excited,” said Dena.  “I’m a big fan of (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) and his trustees.  So I said hi.  Then things became really strange.”

According to Dena, the two trustees noticed each other.  Dena said they started wide-eyed at each other for a second then started screaming.  Each of them ran in the opposite direction, and out of Dena’s sight.

“I have no idea what that was about.”

Paul, who also asked that we not use his last name, said he spotted trustees Michael Lawler and Sheldon Watts on Boughton Road.  Watts was driving his car while Lawler was an Uber passenger.  According to Paul, both cars were at a stoplight.  When Lawler looked out the window at Watts, he started screaming.  Watts turned and screamed when he saw Lawler.  Paul claims that Lawler took off his coat and covered his window with it.  Watts averted his eyes from Lawler’s car.  When the light turned red Watts accelerated away.

“I don’t get it,” said Paul.  “They’re normally so nice to each other.”

Lisa, a waitress at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she noticed odd behavior from Trustee Ricardo Morales:

“I was serving his chicken wrap.  I think we were calling it a New York Chicken Wrap that day.  Anyway, I casually mentioned that Roger was hanging out in the President’s Room.  He turned pale and his eyes widened.  He said: ‘I’m taking the plate.  Put this on Mr. Washington’s expense account, and give yourself a 25 percent tip.  I was never here!’  Then he ran off.  I wonder if Mr. Washington knows he has an expense account here?”

Another anonymous source said that before his group could meet in Trustee Leroy Brown’s office, they had to sign a form stating that they were not elected Bolingbrook officials.

Pete, who claims to work inside Village Hall, stated that: “The board is afraid that if any trustees are seen together, Trustee-Elect Robert Jaskiewicz will say they’re holding an official meeting, and demand to be immediately sworn in.

“We’ve had single party rule since the 1990s,” said Pete.  “We’re in no hurry to start experimenting with bi-partisan government.  I think its one of the reasons the May 9 meeting was canceled.  We’re delaying the inevitable until near the end of the May 23 meeting.”

According to another anonymous source in Village Hall, Jaskiewicz and another person were seen standing in front of Claar’s office.  Jaskiewicz knocked on the door and said:  “Hello Roger?  Are you having a meeting in there?  If you are, you need to let me in.  I even did you a favor and brought Representative Bill Foster so you don’t have to swear me in. He’ll do it for you!”

Charline Z. Spencer, public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that the trustees were avoiding each other:  “The Open Meetings Act has guidelines on what constitutes a meeting.  Merely being in the same room with other elected officials does not constitute a meeting.”  She added:  “Bob, Roger, and Leroy were at a Rotary club function a few days ago without any incident.  So that disproves your story right there.  Try to be more like the Bolingbrook Patch.  They didn’t question me when I oversold the Paul Harris Fellow recognition Leroy received.”

Spencer could not provide the reason for the cancellation of the May 9 Board meeting but insisted it had nothing to do with Jaskiewicz.

Spencer, however, feels that Jaskiewicz will change the culture in Village Hall: “Things have been very quiet since I started, but that’s going to change.  Once Bob is sworn in, it’s going to be like an episode of Game of Thrones!  Minus the sex and violence, of course.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia steals weather machine from Soviets!
Man accuses Mayor Claar of hiding a tunnel to the center of the Earth
Half of IL-6 vows to run against Rep. Peter Roskam
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/11/17

Web Exclusive: Royce Road truthers slam ‘fake flood’ stories (Fiction)

The editors of “The Real Bolingbrook News” secret subreddit announced in a post that they doubt the news that Royce Road is flooded:

“This is fake news, by fake reporters and fake eyewitnesses!”

They also write: “Instead of acknowledging the victory of Roger Claar and the First Party for Bolingbrook First, the lying press is making up stories about floods to smear them.  The Reddit army must not stand for this!”

During a Skype chat, a man who identified himself as BB1, pointed out several “anomalies” in the flood reports:

“There’s a video of a supposed rescue along Royce Road.  Yet, as a lifelong Bolingbrook Bengal, I don’t remember a section of the road looking like that.  Plus, I’m almost positive I’ve seen the man playing Battalion Chief Dan Graff, in a movie. I’m sure he’s a crisis actor.  Furthermore, look at the car.  I’m sure it could have kept going.  If the flood waters are so dangerous, why is he casually walking and standing around?  This is fake.”

According to official sources, it is dangerous to drive into standing water that is more 5 inches deep, and no one should drive into water that is over nine inches deep.  Six inches of rushing flood waters can knock a person over.

Still, the 10 members of the subreddit insist all the Royce Road flood footage is fake.

Member MissiForever explained in a post: “Roger Clair (sic) created the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent local flooding.  Roger always knows what’s best.  That’s why he endorsed Trump. If Royce Road is flooded, that means Roger is wrong and endorsing Trump was wrong.  As long as I bleed blue and purple, I know that Roger is right.  Therefore Royce Road isn’t flooded and Trump is making us great again!”

When presented with eyewitness accounts of Royce Road being flooded, and personal accounts of basements in Bolingbrook flooding, the members said the witnesses were brainwashed.

In their joint statement, they blamed Will County Trustee, and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate, Jackie Traynere, for staging the recent flood scenes in the news:

“Jackie is using her influence in Will County to stage these obviously fake scenes.  She is trying to get her revenge against Roger by using the liberal media to smear him. We cannot let her get away with this.  Roger is the best mayor Bolingbrook has had in its 60-year history!”

When reached for comment, Traynere said that she supports the brave members of the Bolingbrook Fire Department, and laughed at the Reddit group.

Charlene Z. Spencer, a public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, confirmed what most residents already knew:

“Unfortunately, Bolingbrook does flood.  The land used for the Golf Club is also part of our floodplain control efforts.  We have never said it would prevent all flooding in Bolingbrook.  I will add that Roger believes the Golf Club will consistently turn a profit someday.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “You’re lucky my officers arrested you before you drove into the water.  I know you saw the signs before driving around the barriers.  What part of ‘Road Closed’ didn’t you understand?”

Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  Certain lawyers only cause “trouble”
Bolingbrook police rescue ‘Royce Road Truther’ from floodwaters
Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17

Web Exclusive: Police save Village Board meeting from performance artists (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook police secret cybercrime team prevented the April 25 board meeting from becoming a work of “performance art.”

According to police inside sources, the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook tried to promote the 4/25/17 Village Board meeting as an “encore presentation of our greatest play, Village of the Bored!”  Since 1983, members of the mysterious league have attempted to “re-appropriate” public events in Bolingbrook as works of performance art.  Their most notable production was the 6/9/09  Village Board meeting.  Their last production was A Village for Old Men in 2015, which appropriated Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.

A member of the cybercrime team, who asked to be called Anita, explained why the team couldn’t let this performance go on:  “These hoaxes start out as jokes. They are like broken windows.  They lead to greater crimes.  So today it’s people sending out phony press releases.  Tomorrow it’s people sending death threats for ‘the lulz.’  In a few weeks, the village board is hiding in elevator shafts, and the village is overrun with Internet trolls.  Our actions saved Bolingbrook.”

The sources agreed that the Bolingbrook police asked local newspapers not to cover the league’s press releases, and compelled Facebook to remove posts mentioning Village of the Bored.  On the day of the meeting, officers were on the alert for people handing out flyers or “program guides” for the “play.”

Team member “Zoe,” (not her real name), described how she protected Town Center: “I was standing by the door when I saw this guy with a backpack walking towards me.  I told him I wanted to search it.  He called me a TSA Officer in the airport of life.  I approached him, and he ran away.  I’m pretty sure he was a member of the league.  I protected (Mayor Roger Claar) from having to read a ridiculous pamphlet.”

Two men did hear about the “performance.”

Dave described his experience:  “I was excited at first.  The mayor mentioned a canvas, and I thought it was going to be an audience participation activity.  As the meeting went on, something seemed off.  I checked the Bolingbrook website and realized I was watching a real meeting.  I was so embarrassed that I left before the mayor could laugh at me.”

John was less charitable:  “The writer of this play needed to show boredom not bore the audience!  That attempt at a tear-jerking speech near the end didn’t save this lazy production!”

The Bolingbrook Performance Art League sent an e-mail to the Babbler announcing that their next project would be placing frozen peaches around the village “to remind Roger that Bolingbrook is a part of the United States, and we will speak out no matter what.”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said that he was “giving an orientation to Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz”, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Look at all these fine beverages I keep in my office bar.  You know what, Bob?  None of them are for you.”

Bolingbrook Placebo March draws twenty marchers (Fiction)

Twenty people joined the Bolingbrook Placebo March to protest “materialistic science.”

Sign that reads, "I am Storm."

A Placebo marcher holds up an “I am Storm” sign. The imagery is from the “Storm” online short film.

“Science teaches us that ghosts aren’t real, we inherit traits from our family members, and CO2 is bad,” said Patrick Z. Williams, march organizer.  “Well, if I descended from my cousin, why is my cousin still around?”

Many of the marchers said they supported President Donald Trump’s proposed cuts to scientific and medical research.  While critics of the cuts say they will harm innovation and stifle scientific research, the marchers pointed to Cook County.

Janet X Carlson said: “Ever since the University of Chicago was founded, crime, atheism, political corruption, alcoholism, and loud music have skyrocketed in Cook County. It is no coincidence that the two science marches in Chicagoland took place in Cook County.  Science is crooked!”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, added: “Donald Trump is great without science!  Getting rid of science will make America great again — no matter what Bill Nye says!”

Though the march was not political, some members wanted the village to grant more business licenses to homeopathic and naturopathic practitioners.  Some also called for Bolingbrook to ban “unsafe” vaccines.

Janet explained: “If the mayor, or whoever is in charge, doesn’t act fast, all of Bolingbrook’s residents will be autistic within ten years!”

Williams, using a dangling crystal as a guide, started the march at the Fountaindale Public Library. He seemed to lead the marchers in random directions.  Several minutes later, Williams lead the march across the street to Village Hall.  The marchers made their way to a car parked in a no parking fire zone.

There Williams stated: “We must be radiating positive energy. The mayor is here!”  After marching around the building and chanting, they arrived outside Mayor Roger Claar’s office patio.  After a few more chants, Claar stepped outside and addressed them.

“You know, just because you have the right to protest doesn’t mean you should.  You guys are giving me a headache!  And don’t even think about running for office.  I had to spend over $200,000 on the last campaign!  That’s money that could have gone towards scholarships, church donations, new cars, and trips to meet constituents around the world!  Now go home before I call my police department!”

At first, the marchers seemed demoralized.  Then Williams addressed them:

“I just played back what he said with my reverse speech app.  He really likes us!”

The marchers then started chanting “Roger” and “Science sucks.”  Five minutes later, a police officer asked them to leave.

“This was a very successful march,” said Williams.  “We didn’t have the numbers that the March for Science did, but we met the mayor, so that means our march was more potent! “  He added: “Honestly, what has science done for Bolingbrook?  Aside from Adventist Hospital, the Internet, and Whalon Lake?  Well, there is material science that allows WeatherTech to make great floor covers, but the CEO supports Trump, so I guess it’s OK.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar: Government shutdown won’t affect Clow UFO Base
Chicago Scientists breed plant eating cat
Aliens arrested at Chicago March for Science
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/17

Web Exclusive: Illuminati celebrates Mayor Claar’s re-election (Fiction)

The Illuminati kept its hold on Bolingbrook as Mayor Roger Claar defeated New World Order backed challenger, Jackie Traynere, by 151 votes.  The win means the Illuminati will maintain in control of Clow UFO Base.

Shortly after Traynere conceded, Claar addressed an Illuminati victory party in a hidden room at Lou Malnati’s in Bolingbrook:

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The Cook County Democrats and their Bolingbrook United puppets just learned a valuable lesson: Nothing conquers my campaign fund!  I had to spend over $235,000 dollars for this victory!  It was worth it, don’t you agree?”

Claar added that media outlets considered the race a referendum on President Trump’s performance.

“I guess Trump is doing just fine,”  Claar said.

Village Clerk Carol Penning, who narrowly won re-election herself, was especially happy.

“Our opponents wanted to conduct an audit.  Well, we’re going to do our own audit, if you know what I mean.”

Trustee Michael Lawler later walked up to the podium and held up a glass of what appeared to be orange juice, but was actually a screwdriver. “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty for more!”

Trustee Maria Zarate thanked the crowd and promised to keep doing her best to “illuminate Bolingbrook.”

Defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts delivered an emotional concession speech: “It pains me to be the first member of Roger’s slate to lose in the 21st Century.  I will take some comfort knowing that Roger is still Bolingbrook!”

Claar again addressed the crowd. He promised them that: “Watts would return, once the next step on the Illuminated Path is complete.”

Claar also had another promise: “Those of you who truly support me will never know thirst.  Ford!”

At an undisclosed location, members of the New World Order celebrated Robert Jaskiewicz’s victory, making him the first opposition candidate elected to Bolingbrook in the 21st Century.  The crowd chanted “Bolingbrook’s for Bob” as he approached the podium.

“To the nearly half of voters who voted against Roger, I say that you now have a voice on the Village Board.  It would have been nice to have company on the board, but we’ll take what we can and build on it.”  He added: “For decades, the New World Order helped Roger build Bolingbrook.  He betrayed us for the fake Illuminati.  Roger, I look forward to working with you, but my mission is clear.  I’m going to put Bolingbrook back in order.  If you know what I mean.”

Fascist aliens launch surprise attack on Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.

Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot.  This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook!  It failed!”

The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park.  Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy.  Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley.  You know what to do!”

The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.

Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack.  “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech.  Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me.  He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”

That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies.  Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers.  There were no deaths.

At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook.  One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.

George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club.  “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air.  My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true.  Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs.  Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later.  It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’  I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting.  I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”

Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.

Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.

“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer.  “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship.  I was the first human they tried to punch.  Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit.  I asked them why they wanted to punch humans.  One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back.  Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior.  I asked if he had ever used it on himself.  He did.  Then he made a weird facial expression.  He scanned his fellow fascists too.  This is the weird part.  They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie.  They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up.  Then they flew away.”

Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.

“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”

Brown then issued a warning.  “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook.  We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17

Chicagoland’s Science March locations (Out of Character)

The Science March will be held on April, 22, which organizers describe as, “(The) first step of a global movement to defend the vital role science plays in our health, safety, economies, and governments.”  The main march will be in Washington, DC.  Below are the Chicagoland satellite marches:

Chicago:  Rally starts at 10:00 am.  Enter Columbus Dr. from Congress Pkwy.  The rally stage will be on Columbus Dr., just south of E. Jackson Dr.  The march will start at 12:00 PM from the stage and go to the Museum Campus, where there will be an expo.

Palatine: Marchers will gather at the Palatine Library in Room 1 at 11:00 am.  March is expected to begin around 11:20 am.

Links to other marches around the world can be found here.