There can be only one! First Party for Bolingbrook takes the Village Board! A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

The First Party for Bolingbrook is projected to win all three open trustee seats. If this is correct, the First Party will, for the first time since 2017, have total control of the Village Board. We sent a team of reporters out to cover this historic election night. They came back with these stories.

Victorious First Party Trustees address the Illuminati

Minutes after declaring themselves the winners, the First Party’s trustee candidates addressed delivered their victory speeches at the Illuminati victory party.

Trustee Michael Carpanzano, who is projected to receive the most votes, flashed the Illuminati hand gesture for crushing victory. He then addressed the enthusiastic crowd of supporters. 

“Bolingbrook’s dark age started with Sheldon’s defeat. So it’s appropriate that it ends with his defeat.” He thanked some members of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group. “Thanks to your relentless criticism of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, all three of us could stay on our positive message. Speaking of which, let’s be honest here. They positively had no chance of defeating us. It was only a matter of how decisive our victory would be.”

Trustee Jean Kelly stepped onto the stage holding a Katana. Two male mannequins were placed near here. “There can be only one.” She swung the sword, decapitating the mannequins. Bolts of electricity shot out of the mannequins, followed by fireworks lighting up the stage. Kelly pretended to be exhausted for a moment, then she stepped up to the microphone. “The First Party has won the prize!”

Trustee-elect Jose Quintero asked the audience to calm down, then thanked them for their support. He also thanked members of the Bolingbrook United Party for their endorsements. 

“Two years ago, Bolingbrook was divided and bitter. Tonight, Bolingbrook has united behind the First Party!”

When he promised to “listen” to the Bolingbrook Independent Voices voters, Carpanzano escorted him off stage.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told the audience that she savored their total victory. “The voters chose to be dependent on the First Party! I mean, they chose to depend on the First Party!”

After the speeches, a masked member of the Illuminati Order of the Stairway performed the Rite of Sweet Fire. The masked man completed the rite by pouring rum and Coke over each victorious trustee.

Flying Drones protest First Party’s victory

According to several eyewitnesses, thousands of flying drones with lights converged to create a picture of outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

Peter Z. Larson claims his drones took part. “I was just minding my own business when my drones spontaneously turned themselves on and flew away. I told them to come back, but I realized they were making a picture of Sheldon in the sky. I stopped yelling at them. I guess they liked him because he was the only pro-drone candidate in the race.”

Some of Bolingbrook Independent Voices’ videos were filmed using aerial drones. BIV members denied hijacking drones to make the light picture.

One member added, “The First Party may have the village board, but we have every AI in Bolingbrook on our side. That’s true power!”

Outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts resigns from the Illuminati 

by Reporter X

Bolingbrook Independent Voices founder and Trustee Sheldon Watts told supporters gathered inside Clow UFO Base that he would resign from the Illuminati.

“God has a plan for me. That plan doesn’t involve the Village Board. So, there’s no reason for me to remain a member of the Illuminati.”

According sources within the Illuminati, Watts will be permitted to leave once he completes the Rite of Fire and Pressure. The sources say Watts decided to be flown to Venus, and stand on the surface for ten-seconds. While he will wear a space suit, experts expect the interior of the suit to reach oven level temperatures before returning to the ship.

“Nothing says fire and pressure quite like the surface of Venus. He’s sure putting his S.T.E.M. education to good use.”

To prove his intention to leave the Illuminati, Watts ate of a bucket of fried slugs drenched in hot sauce in front of his supporters. He then left the stage. 

A few minutes later, he returned to the stage. He urged his supporters not to give into anger or despair. 

“So don’t say nasty things about the First Party, or burn down Village Center. Keep your heads up, and your hearts pure. Because the end of our journey is near. Because I’ve been to the top of the hill and I’ve seen the promise of Bolingbrook. I may not be with you because I’ll be spending time with my family, but you can go on without me. I’ll join you once I’ve finished my dissertation.”

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak urges supporters not to despair

by Reporter X

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak told supporters at Clow UFO Base that he felt their sadness, but not to give into despair.

“Sheldon has lost elections before. Did he give up? No. The first time, he attended every board meeting until the mayor appointed him to fill a vacancy on the board. The second time, he ran for mayor knowing that he would still keep his trustee seat if he lost. Losing an election isn’t the end. It just means you’ll have time to focus on other things until you’re elected or appointed to a new position.”

Glowiak offered his counseling services to supporters, then talked about the campaign’s positive accomplishments. 

“During our campaign, the maintenance crew fixed every airlock at Clow. The Mayor dropped the prices for methane based habitats. Every Clow employee got a surprise raise. All these good things happened, even though we came in last place.”

He concluded his speech by talking about his plans. “I have free time to promote my self-help book and my children’s books!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Help a FTB member out.

(Updated with the correct reason for the fundraiser.)

Fellow blogger Great American Satan is having a fundraiser to make cover lost wages during recovery. From the comments:

strictly speaking, the money isn’t for the procedure, it’s replacing lost wages from recovery time. don’t wanna sit upright 8 hrs a day, commute, and charge around on breaks with a stitched up gut.

I really like the stretch goal:

To make my bills less ouch, I’d like to fundraise.  Here is the incentive:  Donate at all, and you can choose a word I will rhyme in a rap.  If five people choose orange, I’ll try to come up with five shitty sorta-rhymes for orange.

This will be strictly words on digital paper, maybe starting below and then compiled in a blog post, unless we reach goals. At $500, I will do an audio performance of the rap.  At $600, I will do a video.  These productions, if they happen, will be lo-fi as all hell, because I just don’t have the time for big effort.

Please consider helping out, if only to hear what rhymes with orange…

Trans Day of Visibility (Non-Fiction)

Trans Flag

While my life is crazy right now, I want to acknowledge that today is Transgender Day of Visibility. I have the pleasure of working with and knowing the trans bloggers on this network. I’ve also known trans people over the years, and I suspect I’ve known others who never came out to me. While I’ve made mistakes, I’ve also been learning about gender identity and striving to do better. I’m sure I still have more to learn as well.

Which is why I find this wave of trans panic alarming. Trans people have always been around. It’s no more a fad than being left-handed is. Some people just do not fit into neat little boxes. No amount of violence, discrimination, and book banning will change that. I accept that and others should, too.

On that note, I’m going to step aside and learn what I can today.

Quick Life and book updates (Non-fiction)

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been quiet for the past two weeks. It’s because I got laid off from my job. So I’ve been hitting the job boards and adjusting to my new situation. It’s been rough for my wife and I, but we’re hanging in there. We’re okay for now. There are some job leads I’m following, and one of them might work out. I’ll post updates.

There are a couple ways to help, if you want to. If you like Urban Fantasy books, consider buying my Urban Fantasy series the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, or asking your local library to add it to collection. It would help. I’ve also set up a BuyMeACoffee account where anyone can leave a donation. I’ve set up some membership levels for monthly subscriptions. Some rewards include early access to my new releases, and signed paperback copies of a new release. If you want other rewards or have other ideas, I’m open to them.

On a brighter note, I’m working on the next Bolingbrook Babbler novel. I’m aiming for a release in 2024, but if things work out, I might get it out this year. This one focuses on Tom Larsen, the main character in The Rift. It will be a very haunting book. I’ll leave it at that for now. You can subscribe to my free newsletter if you want to be one of the first to know the title.

Lastly, my current book, A Fire in the Shadows, is part of two review copy bundles put together by Booksirens. All the ebooks are free to download, but if you do, please consider leaving a review. Most are advance copies of books soon to be published, while a few are recent releases. You don’t even have to download my book, but I hope you will consider helping one of these authors with a review. The bundles are:

I hope to get back to regular updates starting next week. Including job search updates.

Meeting between the Interstellar Commonwealth representatives and the Angry Astronaut described as ‘productive’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Addressing the interstellar media, YouTube personality, the Angry Astronaut, and the Interstellar Commonwealth, both described their meeting as productive.

“I’m glad we had this talk,” said AA. “I’m now open to the possibility that aliens don’t want to destroy humanity.”

Representative Zoklo replied, “If we wanted to destroy humanity, why would help build your Internet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe to distract us from your planet destroying missiles?”

“As you can see, we still have a way to go.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arranged the meeting after watching AA’s video accusing the Commonwealth of building “Alien ‘Death Stars.’” 

“I know some people are desperate for clicks and subscribers, but this video went too far. His reckless speculation threatened decades of negotiations to bring humanity into the Commonwealth. The Illuminati wanted to make Mr. Angry disappear. I persuaded them to let Mr. Angry meet our visitors and learn the truth.”

Representative Liko insisted that the facility orbiting HD139139 manufactures luxury planets, not planet killers. “There are solar systems that don’t have planets in the habitable zone. Instead of building a base on a hostile world, some civilizations buy planets and orbit them in the habitable zone. Sure, it’s more expensive than terraforming or shifting a planet’s orbit, but it’s a status symbol. Like how your ultra-rich humans build oversized and overpowered boats instead of buying for rowboats.”

AA replied, “Yeah, maybe they just want to help us make love instead of war. That would be great. But what if it’s a trap? What if they’re distracting us with their toys while a moon-sized object hurls towards us at 99% the speed of light? We wouldn’t see it until it was too late! Then they could take over our solar system! I have more to say about this, but first! I see that my YouTube Interstellar channel only has 99 billion subscribers. If reach 100 billion subscribers, I won’t get mind-wiped. So if you want me to have more conversations with these allegedly friendly aliens, hit the like button and SUBSCRIBE!”

“Your solar system isn’t that special,” said Liko. “And the Martian Colonies have claimed Earth as their property. They can protect your planet from any sub-light speed threat. Not that we want to destroy Earth. We want to be your friends.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But until I get a definitive answer, I urge every human to STAY ANGRY ABOUT SPACE!”

“Fortunately,” said Alexander-Basta, “we have some time to work this out.”

AA did not respond to an email requesting a reply.

When reached by Zoom, Alexander-Basta laughed and invited this reporter to watch a meeting. Covert social media operative Charlene Spencer entered her office.

“Charlene,” said Alexander-Basta, “Do you know anything about this letter?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay. Are you aware that copies of that letter were about to be mailed to every resident in Bolingbrook from Russia?”

“You have friends in the KGB?”

“Of course not. Vladimir Putin is trying to get on my good side because I’m a woman of global excellence. But that’s not important. Let me read a part of this letter to you. ‘I woke up with a headache. But I didn’t feel real pain until I realized (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) was running for reelection. The same trustee who took selfies at a Black Lives Matter protest and said it ‘warmed my heart.’’ That’s unfair. That was a peaceful gathering about uniting our community. You’re quoting him out of context and you know he has a compulsion to take selfies every time he sees a gathering.”

“I neither confirm nor deny writing that letter, and context is for kings. Trustee Carpanzano is not a king.”

“Okay. But that’s not the worst part. This letter is signed by, and I quote, ‘The only Bolingbrook Mayor that matters.’ Really, Charlene?”

“You were the one who gave (Former Mayor Roger Claar) the title Mayor Emeritus, not me.”

“You wanted people to think Roger wrote this letter? Young lady, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources insist 900 FT Roger statue will be clothed!
Mayor instructs aliens to respect gender identity of abductees
Bolingbrook’s Society of Alien-Human hybrids endorses Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I am involved with. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

First Party canvassing robot crashes into house (Fiction)

A First Party for Bolingbrook robot crashed into a resident’s house. According to eyewitnesses, no one was injured, but the robot made a large hole in the wall.

Adam, a resident who asked that we not use his last name, described what happened.

“I heard this loud bang from the living room. When I arrived, I saw a wheeled robot with the First Party logo painted on it. I yelled at it, then realized that it might have been a bad idea. It turned it cameras at me, and said that if I enjoyed living in Bolingbrook, I should thank the First Party. Well, I did like Bolingbrook, until this happened.”

Another resident witnessed the robot crash into the house. “First it drove up to me, and asked if I was supporting the First Party. I said no. It spit out a pamphlet at me and said it would change my mind. Then it charged at my neighbor’s house. Let’s just say I don’t think robots will replace human canvassers soon.”

Sources within the First Party confirmed they owned the robot, and were planning on using it to counter the Bolingbrook Independant Voices party’s “drone advantage.”

One source explained. “Our polling suggests voters are swayed by areal drone videos. They think a political party that uses drones is forward thinking. We’re countering this by using automated canvassers. Because in politics, you need to win the ground war, not the air war.”

The sources agreed the robot crashed into the house because of its blue color. The robot’s AI believes everything blue is the sky, and therefore didn’t recognize the house. Until programmers can correct the problem, the First Party will stop using the drones.

As for the damage, Adam claimed the First Party sent contractors to repair the damage. He also claimed that Trustee Michael Carpanzano visited the house. After handing a check to Adam, Carpanzano took a selfie with him. Adam agreed not to sue the First Party.

“Their people did such a great job. It’s like it never happened. Money has a way of soothing hurt feelings. But I’m still voting for the BIV slate.”

When reached for comment, BIV candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “My running mate would love to spend a mental health day with your staff.”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, denies the First Party has robots. “If it weren’t for social media, we wouldn’t need to campaign for votes.”

Alexander-Basta asked the reporter to stay on the phone because she might have “Earth shattering news.” She then called Village IT staffer Alice into her office.

A digital voice then said, “Blood Sucked at the Corpse Bite Cafe across the Rift, by BrookBot. Annette Buick is a woman, but she’s not like other women. She carries a big sword, can change into an animal, has distant Native American relatives, doesn’t wear makeup, hates dresses, and practices magic, but only after each magical apocalypse. Two werewolves, a zombie sex worker, two manipulative vampires, and an angry skeptic blogger pursue her,. But really, why choose? While repairing cars next to a UFO Base, a police officer, who sincerely wants to protect his community, tells Annette that a friend of hers is being framed for a crime. To save her fairy co-lover, Annette must confront an easily distracted 1000-year-old vampire sorcerer, and fight off a weredeer army determined to destroy every golf club in the world! Can she win? Don’t think! Buy Blood Sucked at the Corpse Bite Cafe across the Rift!”

“Amazing,” said Alice.

“So BrookBot is sentient and creative?”

“No, and no. It just combined the Mercedes Thompson series, the Anita Blake series, the Kate Daniels series, and the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Don’t confuse brute force with creativity.”

Also in the Babbler:

World loses an hour!
Village to announce three finalists to design the 1000 foot statue of former mayor Roger Claar
Downstate Republicans threaten to call Bolingbrook a ‘woke’ community
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.

A Fire in the Shadows is finally out (Non-Fiction)

 

Cover of A Fire in the Shadows

A Fire in the Shadows: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

A Fire in the Shadows is out today. If you placed a preorder, you should have it today, and thank you for your support. Great American Satan has a review up. Anthony Avina reviewed it as well. It has a 4.29 star average on Goodreads. I will enjoy it while I can before the Goodreads trolls attack.

It is a complete story, but it’s also an introduction to Lydia, a vampire who regained her ability to feel love and compassion. She’ll play an important role in the future Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.

Here’s the description:

Vampire, intelligence scout, paranormal protector, and emotional liability…

Bolingbrook has long been rumored to be a hub of paranormal and alien activity and Lydia should know–she’s a vampire. But that doesn’t mean she fits in. Not when she’s a target for other vampires and reliant on her blood family’s protection because of her inconvenient inclination to experience feelings.

Except right now, Lydia has bigger things to worry about than her recent rejection by a human or her blood sister Aurora’s relentless teasing. An army of weredeer are gathering near town and they need to gather intelligence fast.

When enforcers from one of Chicago’s vampire kingdoms threaten the Bolingbrook Babbler’s stunning chief editor, Aurora accuses Lydia of having feelings again. But even if Lydia does have a crush on the unsuspecting Sara, she deserves their protection.

Only Lydia hadn’t counted on how powerful their enemies are. Or the sort of unexpected revelations that will come to light if Lydia dares to risk rejection again…

Get a Fire in the Shadows to find out what Lydia will risk.

If you want to support a local independent bookstore, you can order a copy through Bookshop.org. You can also ask your local library to order a copy (and they don’t have to order through Amazon). The complete list of online retailers is here. You can check them out, and I hope you’ll consider getting a copy.

Sad news in Bolingbrook (Non-fiction)

Since I write stories set in Bolingbrook, Illinois, I should mention there was a triple murder last night. The suspect broke into a house and killed three people, two of them teenagers. The police arrested the suspect, who, according to the Daily Herald, was dating one of the victims.

While I have no personal connection to the family, it still strikes me as a tragic loss. Even sadder is that it’s one of many gun deaths occurring in the United States. My thoughts are with the family tonight.

A government of trolls (Non-fiction)

Florida’s Republican politicians seem determined to send the country into outrage overload. There’s a proposed bill to require any one who blogs about a state official to register with the state if the post. Another bill sets out to “cancel” the Democratic Party. PZ posted about an effort to ban the COVID vaccine in Florida. And we’re just getting started.

It’s almost as if they read Troll Nation by Amanda Marcotte and thought it was a how to manual for running a government. Governor Ron DeSantis and his allies have no policy except to inflict harm, punish their enemies, and reward their friends.

I’m going to disagree slightly with PZ. Florida isn’t joke. It’s a test run for implementing Christian Nationalism on the rest of us.

Author from another universe visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Book cover of Kill Your darlings

Will Kill Your Darlings be a multiverse best seller?

After writing a portal fantasy novel, L.E. Harper, an author from another universe, visited Bolingbrook. 

Donna, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Harper step through the portal. “She looked around and said this didn’t look like her fictional world. When she asked if I recognized her, I told her I didn’t. Then she said something about not being trapped in a fan fiction version of Kill Your Darlings.” 

Peter X. Stiller claims he saw Harper inside Meijer. “She was staring at an issue of the Babbler when I saw her. Then she recorded a video saying she was inside the Babbler universe. She wanted to know if she was in the Babbler blog universe or the book universe. I didn’t know what she was talking about. Fortunately, she dropped the subject and started talking about her book, Kill Your Darlings.”

Joan, who didn’t provide her last name, claims she saw Harper at Clow Airport. “She recorded a video saying visiting Clow was a waste because she couldn’t get into the UFO base. I thought she was just another Babbler tourist. Then she walked up to me and asked who the mayor is. I said (Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta). She breathed a sigh of relief and said she was in the safe universe. Before I could say anything, she asked if I would like to preorder her book, Kill Your Darlings.”

Near the end of the day, Donna saw Harper leave our universe. According to Donna, Harper looked up to the sky and said, “Can you open a portal back to my universe? I need to  promote Kill Your Darlings in my universe and upload my videos to TikTok. Hopefully, I helped KYP become a bestseller in this universe. My counterpart would really appreciate that.” A portal opened in response. Harper urged Donna to preorder Killing Your Darlings, then left. 

This universe’s Harper couldn’t be reached for a comment.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy, but would probably say something about tourism in Bolingbrook.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “You’re seriously going through with this evil plan?”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “I prefer to call it amoral, and it’s already working. First Party voters are so obsessed with dissolving (DuPage Township) that they’ll ignore the upcoming Village Trustee election.”

“You still think it’ll work?”

“It is working. Have you read Bolingbrook Politics lately? My bots and sock puppets are so effective, they’ve persuaded <Name Redacted> and Carol <Redacted> to lead the charge. They’re going to be the key to a (Bolingbrook Independent Voices) victory.”

“But Carol doesn’t like me.”

“Politics leads to some strange hookups.”

Also in the Babbler:

A Fire in the Shadows is the bestselling vampires in Bolingbrook book in the world.
Mayor Alexander-Basta announces the start of Weredeer hunting season
Chicago Mayor blames zombies voters for her defeat
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.