Help out Abe at Oceanoxia (Non-fiction)

Abe, who writes for Oceanoxia on FtB, needs help and has set up a Patreon page.

Thanks to the COVID-19 outbreak, layoffs have increased, job interviews have been indefinitely postponed, and many places aren’t hiring new workers. All of that means I really need help paying my bills and keeping a roof over my head. Patreon.com is a way for you to help with that, even if it’s just a little bit, and get some perks and extra content in return. You control how much you give, and how long you give it, and every little bit really does help. When lots of people pitch in, it can make a huge difference. Please help if you’re able, and share my work with others. Thank you!

Thanks to his blog, I was finally able to see this video, The Quiz Broadcast:

Shabbat Alone and Together (Video Non-fiction)

Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, which I serve as a board member, recently decided to cancel our events due to the Coronavirus, and some of them online instead.  Rabbi Adam Chalom put together this online service at the last minute.  It’s pretty close to what a typical service at Kol Hadash is like:

 

Future services will be on the Kol Hadash YouTube channel.

My wife and I love being members of the Kol Hadash community, and we are saddened that we won’t be seeing our fellow members in person for a long time.  We may be stuck in our homes, but thanks to social media, we’ll be riding out this pandemic together.

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook braces for COVID-19 outbreak (Fiction)

Please note:  This is a work of fiction.  For real information go to the CDC web site and/or the Will County Health Department.

As COVID-19 virus spreads around the world, Bolingbrook braces for its possible arrival.  The following reports are from our reporters:

Emergency command center fully operational at the Bolingbrook Golf Club

Sources at village hall confirmed that Mayor Claar activated the secret emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf club.

“It’s the perfect place to house a pandemic command center,” said one anonymous source.  “It’s isolated.  Hardly anyone comes here most of the week, and we have plenty of food and supplies on hand.”

According to the sources, the command center consists of a hidden room in the golf club and a “bridal suite” that has been converted into an office for Claar.  The sources agree that the hidden room has never been used before, and Claar has conducted many “practice runs” setting up his office.

The command center is staffed by representatives from each department, and a backup village board.  Initially, Claar selected all the members of the backup board, but after Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz protested, he was allowed to select his alternate to the board.

According to a member of Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United party, “the alternate board is now just as representative of Bolingbrook as the main board is. This means our alternate will be allowed to protest any boneheaded decisions Roger makes before his lackeys enact them.”

The command center staff are described as being in “good health and good spirits.”  Though there are no cases of COVID-19 reported in Will County, the staff are staying busy.

“They’re learning how to play golf,” said an anonymous source.  “Which makes the Golf Club look popular.  Plus they’re eating the food that would normally get thrown out.  They love the Mayor’s Platter!  So right now, this is a big win for the Golf Club.  If we manage to avoid an outbreak, the village will come out ahead!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs orders vampires to “self-quarantine”

Because COVID-19 can be carried by bats, all of Bolingbrook’s vampires have been ordered to self-quarantine until the end of the outbreak.

“Sure it’s discrimination,” said Don Z. Williams, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But vampires don’t have rights in Bolingbrook, and we need to look like we’re doing something to protect the residents of Bolingbrook.”

Vlad, a vampire who did not use his real name, resents being asked to stay in his apartment during the outbreak:  

“I’m not sick.  I haven’t fed on anyone who visited China, Italy, or Chicago.  Why should I have to suffer?”

The Guild of Bolingbrook Vampires released a statement claiming that vampires are immune to all disease and shouldn’t be confined to their homes:

“We are the undead.  Viruses need living hosts.  This is yet another example of vampire-phobia.  Just because we suck human blood, does not mean we spread disease, turn humanity into our cattle, or want to turn everyone into a vampire.  We’re people just like you, only we like to bite humans.”

The Department says they will supply every Vampire in Bolingbrook with cow and pigs blood until the quarantine is lifted.

Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’

Like China, sources say the Village of Bolingbrook is prepared to use drones in case a quarantine is enacted:

“We don’t want to endanger our police officers by doing door to door searches,” said Jill, a village official who asked that we not use her real name.  With drones, we can quickly search  the village for violators.”

According to the sources, the drones are currently equipped with video cameras and loudspeakers.  Public safety officials are conducting test flights around Bolingbrook.  Most of the flights involve no communication with residents, and videos are erased after each flight.

Some sources, however, showed video of Claar speaking to residents using the drones.  In one video, Claar speaks to Trustee Jaskiewicz as the drone flies over Jaskiewicz’s driveway:

Claar:Bob, the Coronavirus targets old people like us.You should stay indoors until I tell you to leave.

Jaskiewicz:You first, Roger.Now leave me alone.

In another video, a drone flies over Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere.

Claar:  Didn’t you hear?  The election has been canceled.  Go home!

Traynere:  You wish, Roger.

Claar:  You’re spreading Socialism, Jackie.  That’s just as bad as the Coronavirus.

Traynere:  You’re confusing authoritarianism with socialism, Roger.  Bernie’s healthcare plan will help all Bolingbrook residents.

Claar:  That’s what socialists like you want residents to think.  Socialism is an illness.

Traynere:  I don’t know.  You seem to like socialized luxury golf clubs, and I don’t see you threatening to privatize our roads.  

Claar:  You can’t stop me.  I’m a God fearing Trump supporter.

Traynere:  God won’t protect you from the Coronavirus   I’ll summon my online Bernie friends if you don’t leave me alone.

(Drone flies away.)

The sources also added that there are plans to arm some of the drones with guns:

“Don’t even think of trying to shoot one down.  They’ll be able to shoot back, and you’ll be charged with destroying police property.”

When reached for comments, Claar replied:  “Drones are a great idea!  I’ll use my campaign fund to buy some.  I can use them to deliver leaflets and keep an eye on my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens celebrate as Lady Raiders finish third in the state finals
No plans to close Clow UFO Base per Mayor Claar
Church of Christopher Hitchens will be included in church closings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Allegedly: The conclusion of the Richard Carrier saga (Non-fiction)

Now that Richard Carrier’s defamation/SLAPP suits are settled, the defendants have launched a web site telling their side of the story called Allegedly: The Website.

In 2017, Dr. Richard Carrier is sued us for reporting  on his well-known allegations of misconduct. These allegations were widely reported on throughout the community, including by third-parties both critical and sympathetic to him who were not themselves defendants.

This lawsuit had all the hallmarks of a SLAPP suit — a lawsuit filed to stifle legitimate criticism and commentary. The named defendants are Skepticon, The Orbit, and Freethought Blogs – as well as individuals Lauren Lane, the lead organizer of Skepticon; Stephanie Zvan, a blogger for The Orbit; PZ Myers, a blogger for Freethought Blogs; and Amy Frank-Skiba, who publicly posted her first-hand allegations against Carrier.

The site includes an extensive timeline of both the allegations against Carrier and the history of the lawsuits. It also reveals that the defendants spent over $265,000 on legal fees, and have only raised $$117,594 at the time the site went up.  There’s still a Gofundme site for the defendants and a separate one for Skepticon.

There are more details in their video hangout.

Since there is a legal settlement, it is safe to say that this overly long saga is finally over.

 

Bernie Sanders draws record crowd to Clow UFO Base rally (Fiction)

File photo of Sen. Bernie Sanders. “IMG_5513” by cornstalker is licensed under CC BY 2.0

By Reporter X

Fresh off his victory in the Nevada caucuses, Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders hosted the largest political rally in the history of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The rally was broadcasted live across the solar system.

“The solar system is feeling the burn!” said Sanders.

The crowd chanted, “Bernie or Burn!”  Sanders motioned for the crowd to stop that chant.

“Let’s be clear,” said Sanders.  “We’re not going to literally burn people.  We’re going to give people Medicare for All.  We’re going to reallocate government funds to cancel taxpayers’ student loan debt.  The only thing we’re going to burn is the structure of the corrupt New World Order!”

Sanders called on his supporters to vote in the March 1st Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  The primary is for members of the Democratic party who work off-world but within the solar system. 

“They say, ‘Oh the Interplanetary Primary is a waste of time.  The delegates selected can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting.  Why bother?’  I’ll tell you why, because this contested convention will go to the fourth round.  If we can survive the superdelegates and the backroom deals for the first three rounds, the Interplanetary Delegates will push us over the finish line!”

Sanders also praised the Illuminati:

“I have consistently fought for the working class. When the New World Order refused to make changes, I turned to the Illuminati.  We agreed that the current world order doesn’t work, and must be replaced.  It was a natural fit!”

Sanders then pointed to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“I want to thank my good friend Roger for hosting this fine gathering.”

“Don’t mention it,” Claar yelled back.  “Please….I’m on the verge of becoming a recurring Fox News guest.”

“Good point.  Folks.  The Illuminati is made up of both Democrats and Republicans.  Trump is a member of the Illuminati.  If I get the Democratic nomination, the Illuminati will win the Presidency.”

While Trump is a member of the Illuminati, Sanders did not show him mercy:

“He disrupted the world order, but he has no vision besides kleptocracy!  He is an incompetent fool and a useless tool.  He needs to be replaced before he kills us all!”

Sanders warned that the New World Order will fight dirty to steal the nomination from him:

“They’ve brought in Mike Bloomberg, a switch hitter for the New World Order.  He’s been a Republican.  He’s been a Democrat, but he has always worked for the New World Order.  Chris Matthews, one of their best operatives, compared my campaign to the Nazi invasion of France.  Really?  I have a message to the Bearded Men of the New World Order.  The Nazi’s killed my relatives.  That is a disgusting attack. The American people will see through your desperate lies, and vote out your puppets!”

Later in the speech, Marianne Williamson astrally projected herself onto the stage and endorsed Sanders:

“Sometimes, when great minds transcend reality, they risk becoming irrelevant to reality.  Bernie Sanders is not irrelevant to our reality.  Bernie Sanders is our reality.”

After she vanished, Sanders replied, “Thanks, Marianne.  Now, where was I?”

Sanders concluded by saying all are welcome to join his “revolution:”

“If you want a President who will stand up to the Martian Colonies, come join us.  If you’re tired of being abducted by aliens, come join us.  If you even suspect that you don’t fit into Pete’s narrow moderate ideology, come join us.  If you liked Barack Obama, but think Uncle Joe has lost touch with reality, come join us.  And if you can’t tell if Amy is being nice or Minnesota Nice to you, join our revolution!  All are welcome to help us take back our country.  Fnord!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar offered a show on Fox Interstellar Network
Church of Christopher Hitchens issues ‘Hitchslap’ to President Trump
Carpanzano android double explodes during ‘Mayoral test run’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/28/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Kavin Senapathy on why organized skepticism ‘can’t afford to ignore racial inequality’ (Non-fiction)

Kavin Senapathy was, until last year, one of the co-hosts for the Center for Inquiry’s “Point of Inquiry” podcast.  She recently posted about her dismissal from the podcast and CFI for Undark.

I believe the dismissal was a response to my outspoken views on CFI’s negligence toward matters of race and diversity — issues that the organization has often sidestepped in the past. If that is indeed the case, it sends a discouraging message. At a moment when racist pseudoscience is making a disturbing comeback, skeptics shouldn’t shy away from talking about race — and we can’t afford to overlook the white privilege among our own ranks.

As someone who was involved in organized skepticism for years, I think this article is spot on.  While the Chicagoland group I volunteered for was very diverse, overall, the movement was and still is, very white and male-dominated.  I used to think organizations, like CFI, would change, instead, many of them became resistant to change.  (It doesn’t help when Richard Dawkins argues that eugenics can work.)

Which is wrong, because the ideas and tools of skepticism should be for everyone, not just for a select group who consider themselves superior thinkers.  The movement should expand beyond debunking Bigfoot and UFOs.  As Senapathy writes, skeptical organizations should play a role in debunking pseudoscientific racism.  Especially when white nationalists and their beliefs are shaping many of President Trump’s policies.

Racism is among the most pressing pseudoscientific threats of our time. But it can be deceptive, masquerading as mere inquisitiveness and even helplessness. The most insidious white supremacy doesn’t carry tiki torches of festering hatred. It comes from well-meaning people who nevertheless uphold power structures with whiteness at the top. It’s woven into the very fabric of America and its institutions.

Unfortunately, CFI might have to be added to this list. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.”

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.