It’s time for our  Council of Psychics to announce their predictions for 2026. Let’s just say we have a lot to look forward to in the new year.

Last year’s predictions were close to perfect. Canada’s Liberal Party won reelection thank to President Donald Trump endorsing the Conservative Party. The Trump administration purged many qualified members of the military in their crusade against “wokeness.” The military “accidentally” landed “contractors” in Mexico before retreating.

True, Trump is still alive, but Charlie Kirk died. That’s close enough for us!

So, what does 2026 have in store for the world?

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The US will experience hyper inflation when the Donald Trump Federal Board drops the prime rate to negative 10 percent. While the federal government’s official statistics will claim inflation is a 1 percent, residents will know the truth. Especially when buy food from the grocery store becomes a luxury. In response, the Washington Post will print editorials about the “myth of inflation,” and “why a starving public is a good thing.”

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The AI Bubble will finally burst after OpenAI’s tries to sell toasters “empowered” by ChatGPT. Sam Altman will defend the move by saying, “Some people ask why should we add AI to toasters. My answer is why not?”

Leaked files will confirm that Google, OpenAI, Amazon, and Meta are adding AI to everything in a desperate attempt to make their LLMs profitable. Despite their efforts, AI data centers will drive these companies to the brink of bankruptcy. Meta will sell off Instagram to raise money to preserve their data centers. Zuckerberg will defend the sale by saying, “AI is inevitable, but it’s not profitable.”

After days of flip flopping, Donald Trump will sign an executive order bailing out the AI companies. xAI will be the exception. “(Expletive deleted) Elon Musk,” Trump will say.

The Washington Post will run an editorial in defense of foul language.

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Despite Elon Musk spending a billion dollars on behalf of the Republican Party, Trump will nationalize Space X. The world will watch in stunned silence as the FBI raids Starbase during the countdown to the launch of the first tanker Starship. After a long gun battle, Musk will reprogram Ship to target Mar-A-Largo. Unfortunately, Ship will break up and the debris will fall harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.

After the battle, FBI Director Kash Patel posts on TikTok that his men are about to arrest a domestic terrorist hiding in a trailer. While Patel strikes macho poses, the FBI agents break into the trailer. The agents arrest YouTube space influencer Ellie in Space. As they drag her away, she will shout, “Why are you arresting me?”

Patel will respond, “You’re guilty of promoting an Illegal on the Internet while female!”

Ellie will be released from jail two days later. Patel will not apologize for her arrest.

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Instead of deploying the National Guard to Chicago, Trump will send 10,000 Customs and Patrol officers. Stephen Miller will say, “Who needs the National Guard when we have our own army?” Despite their new military hardware and greater numbers, ICE and CBP are still no match for millions of whistling blowing Chicagoans.

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Trump will collapse during Kid Rock’s performance at the Kennedy Center. As he’s rush into the emergency room, Vice-President JD Vance will run up to him and yell, “You can’t die now. My wife still hasn’t signed the divorce papers! Ericka will kill me!”

People will debate if Vance meant that figuratively or literally.

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The Bears will claim they are considering moving to Bolingbrook. Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will later say the deal fell through because the  Bears wanted to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club and demolish it.

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After Trump’s death, JD Vance will declare martial law in all “illegal blue territories.” When asked if he’s doing it because he’s unpopular, he will reply, “Popular. Unpopular. I’m the one with the drones!”

Vance will then cancel the midterm elections because, “The US is being invaded. If it works for Ukraine, it can work for us!”

The Washington Post will print an editorial arguing that Democracy needs to die in broad daylight.

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Illinois Governor JB Pritzker will announce that Canada has bought Illinois and he will be running for Prime Minister of Canada. Vance will send BCP and the military to “liberate” southern Illinois. Canada will respond by sending their military into Northern Illinois.

Mayor Basta will release a statement saying, “It doesn’t matter if we’re Canadians or US citizens. Bolingbrook will always be a place to grow.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year!
Martian Death Flu cases skyrocket 
Village receives record applications from residents wanting to be abducted.
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.