By Reporter X

Editor’s note: Because of tight security at the Democratic National Convention, Reporter X wasn’t able to smuggle out this article until this week. We apologize for the delay.

The secret fifth night of the Democratic National Convention for the interplanetary delegates may have been the best night of the convention.

Held at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, organizers used the fifth night as consolation for the Interplanetary Delegates not getting to vote for the Presidential nominee. Interplanetary Delegates represent human members of the Democratic Party who live in one of the many secret outposts throughout the Solar System. Under the DNC’s black ops rules, Interplanetary Delegates cannot vote until the tenth round of the nomination process.

After President Joe Biden ended his reelection campaign, many Interplanetary Delegates expected their votes to be counted at a contested primary. Instead, the party rallied around Vice-President Kamala Harris. Since 1952, Interplanetary Delegates have never voted at either party’s convention.

Host Mary Trump introduced the theme of the night: “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“Do you know why nobody in our family loves my uncle? Because he didn’t earn it!”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“In 2020, my uncle thought he could buy and bully his ways to reelection. But the voters said—”

The audience replied, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Mary Trump smiled. “You’ve got this.”

Most of the night comprised musical performances to honor the delegates who traveled across the solar system to attend. There were, however, some notable speeches.

Gus Walz defended his viral moment in his speech. “If it’s neurodivergent to love your family more than your guns, then I’m neurodivergent!”

After days of protestors demanding a Palestinian speaker, organizers gave Palestinian American Munir Iyad Na’il a speaker slot on the fifth night. Na’il acknowledged the events since October 7, 2023.

“The IDF has killed thousands of innocents in Gaza. They have destroyed homes, hospitals, and schools. To be fair, I should mention that hundreds of Israelis were killed and hostages were taken by Hamas. Whether the Israelis were settlers or civilians is debatable.”

Na’il later said there is common ground among Democrats regarding the conflict. “We may disagree whether the IDF is committing genocide, but we can agree that what is happening in Gaza is an atrocity! And we can agree that Trump would love to do to Chicago what the IDF is doing to Gaza!”

Na’il endorsed Harris and urged all Arab Americans to support her. “Yes, the Biden-Harris administration supports Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, but that’s a good thing. Bibi has done more to destabilize Israel than the PLO, Arab League, and Hamas combined! Thanks to his ineptitude, Israel is on the verge of civil war! If he keeps this up, the land between the river and the sea will be Arab soon.”

He added Trump would be bad for both Arabs and Jews. “If reelected, Trump will expel Arab Americans who can’t pay off his debts. He will also expel Jewish Americans who he, and he alone, deems disloyal to Israel. Let’s unite to defeat our common enemy!”

Near the end, Harris addressed the delegates. “Over two months ago, Trump looked unbeatable, Joe looked exhausted, and Democrats were divided. Tonight, we’ve come a long way, baby!”

Harris ended her speech by saying, “Trump earned nothing in his life but you. Every one of you in this building and watching this from across the solar system. You. You earned this!”

Beyonce and Taylor Swift took the stage, and the attendees roared with excitement. They performed a melody of their hits, followed by the premiere of their duet song, “Shake off Trump/Kamala runs the USA.”

After singing, Beyonce said, “I refused to perform at the Republican Convention and Trump is still upset. You know why? Because—”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Beyonce smiled. “I was going to say something else, but that works, too.”

Swift then told the audience, “I’ve been screwed over by too many boyfriends. That’s why I’m voting for my girlfriend Kamala, and you should too!”

Joyce, a delegate who works at an interstellar relay station on Pluto, said the last day was worth the trip to Chicago. “I’m so pumped that I’m going to canvas the Kuiper Belt for Kamala.”

BZed Gilt, an observer from the Martian Colonies, said, “I hope Kamala wins the most Electoral College votes. Humanity is more annoying when Trump is one of its leaders.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts picket outside Soldier field
Clow UFO Base named best UFO Base by PayUs Magazine
Man grows sentient algae in his backyard pool
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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