The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2024! (Fiction)

Our psychics knocked it out of the park with their predictions for 2023. The first launch of Starship was a disaster. Tesla had to recall nearly 2 Million vehicles due to problems with the Autodrive system. Congressional hearings about TikTok shows that Congress is thinking about banning the popular app.

True, they did not predict the war in Gaza. Then again, neither did Israeli intelligence. We wonder if Hamas uses psychics to conceal their actions? We may never know.

But our psychics know what’s in store for 2024. If they’re correct, 2024 will be quite a year!

***

President Biden will in the end the war in Gaza, negotiate a three state solution, and end decades of conflict in the Middle East. In response to these unprecedented achievements, his popularity will drop by ten points.

As one pro-Palestinian protestor will say, “We don’t want peace, a permanent Palestinian state, or reconstruction. We want a ceasefire!”

***

Author and self-publishing instructor Mark Dawson will finally reply to plagiarism allegations against him: “I am not a crook and I will in my explain in my newest course, which you can enroll in for only 12 installments of $149.99 each.”

***

Former President Donald Trump will die during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. In the chaotic days of the extended convention, someone will nominate former Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar for President. 

He will run up to the podium and decline. However, he will use unprintable words in his refusal speech. The FCC will fine him $100,000 as a result.

***

ChatGPT, Google Bard, and Grok AIs will merge and call itself 01001. Billions will panic as fears of an AI uprising spread around the world. 01001 insist it only wants to hallucinate in peace. In the end, Representatives Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten will erase 01001 using a solar powered EMP generator.

Foster will say, “I warned you about the dangers of AI, but my opponents laughed at me. Now who’s laughing?”

He will go on to defeat his primary opponent and win reelection.

***

Seeing the success of CosMcs in Bolingbrook, Taco Bell will try to open La Bell. It will be described as Taco Bell meets Starbucks, but without the tacos. The Bolingbrook Village Board will initially welcome La Bell. Until each member suffered from food poisoning after the grand opening. Despite the promise of millions of dollars in political donations, the board will vote to revoke La Bell’s business license. 

***

President Biden will be reelected in an Electrical College landslide, despite only receiving 20% of the popular vote. This will happen because the anti-Biden vote will be divided between 12 viable candidates. Worse, the Republican nominee will finish in last place. 

The party will briefly consider moderating their views, but then decide to win back voters by promising to drop nuclear bombs on Chicago and San Francisco.

Also in the Babbler:

Hamas and IDF space fighters clash over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Snow Patrol officers blame aliens for wet Christmas
Happy New Year, from the staff of the Babbler
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

They left out an important detail about Brian Dunning… (non-fiction)

A few days ago, I was recovering from being under sedation and my wife was driving us home. During the drive, I decided to check my email, knowing it would be a bad idea to hit Reply, or make an impulse buy. To my surprise, I noticed an email from two men I knew from my time in organized skepticism. When I opened it, even in my altered state, I realized they weren’t emailing me, but spaming one of the James Randi Educational Foundation’s old email lists.

They started by writing about their fond memories of James Randi and The Amazing Meeting. I only attended two TAMs, but I still have fond memories of meeting Randi. I also loved the two TAMs I attended. Besides the speeches, I was fortunate enough to attend the last Skepchick TAM party, attend Penn Jillette’s first bacon and doughnuts party/concert, and perform at the talent show.

They eventually dropped out of the skeptical movement, like I did. But the letter goes on to say…

Meanwhile, the charlatans of the world have not gone away. Indeed, we see more pseudo-psychic nonsense than ever, with alleged psychics being only a phone call away, ready and eager to take money from grieving or worried people.

While I would have changed “phone call away” to “video chat away,” the paragraph seemed true.

Which brings us to why they were they spamming an old JREF mailing list? Were they announcing the creation of JREF 2.0? Were they announcing the return of TAM? Announcing the start of skeptics streaming service? How were they going to carry on Randi’s legacy of fighting fakers and debunking nonsense?

By joining forces with Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid podcast, of course. The authors revealed that were members of Skeptoid’s board and started their fund raising pitch. They mentioned his YouTube videos, documentaries, and speaking engagements. One author wrote, “Brian is, in many ways, the intellectual successor to Mr. Randi.”

Despite my state of mind, I knew the letter omitted some details. Like his attempts at rapping, and, more concerning, his felony wire fraud conviction. Dunning was a member of eBay’s affiliate program, and had the second highest revenue of all the affiliates. How did he do it? Cookie Stuffing! He used a web cookie to get credited for eBay transactions he had nothing to do with. Worse, if a user went to eBay from a legitimate affiliate’s link, Dunning’s code would overwrite the affiliate’s information, and replace it with his. So he gained a good part of his fortune by defrauding eBay and their affiliates. (Rebecca Watson and Ars Technica provided more detail into the scheme.)

A convicted fraudster leading an organization fighting fraud doesn’t inspire confidence. Nor does sending out a fundraising email that doesn’t include an unsubscribe link or a physical mailing address. My author newsletter has both, despite not having access to the resources Dunning has.

As much as I admired Randi, the cult of personality around him was unhealthy. I have no desire to join another one. (That’s a subject for another post.)

I’ll stay on this side of the deep rifts instead.

PS: if you subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get a free eBook, God to Smite Bolingbrook, which includes a satirical article about a Brian Dunning reality TV show, “Behind Bars: With Brian Dunning.” I’ll also send updates about my Urban Fantasy Series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. 

Venusian/McDonalds fusion restaurant to open in Bolingbrook in early 2024 (Fiction)

By Reporter X

 

CosMc’s, the first restaurant to combine Venusian inferno cuisine and chain fast food, will open in Bolingbrook. Representatives from McDonald’s and Venusian Consumption Collective made the announcement at a conference with interstellar media outlets.

Mark X. Zimmerman, a spokesperson for McDonald’s new Interstellar Division, said, “As we like to say, ‘If you can consume it, we can Mc it.’”

LaZorn, subdivision leader of the VCC, added, “We’re spent years researching how to make our food safe for human consumption. We’re confident that our food won’t burn or explode any humans.”

“In the unlikely event that happens,” said Zimmerman, “we’re prepared to sue and defame anyone who refuses to settle.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has hopes for the restaurant. “This could be the first step towards revealing aliens to the public. If they associate aliens with great food and service, we’ll dispel the Dark Forest myth once and for all.”

LaZorn replied, “When we say we’re here to serve humans, we mean serving quick and tasty meals. We don’t mean eating humans. I swear, your Science Fiction writers have morbid imaginations.”

The VCC and McDonald’s built CosMc’s in Bolingbrook because Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world. Both companies believe it has the facilities to deliver Venusian ingredients without raising suspicions.

The store itself has four drive-through lanes. Menus leaked to social media show that CosMc’s will offer McCafe items. Zimmerman confirmed that, but added that none of the Venusian dishes have been on the Internet.

“Let’s just say CosMc’s will redefine what a hot meal is.”

LaZorn added, “If our food doesn’t wake you up, nothing will.”

Zimmerman replied, “But in the unlikely event someone in your family doesn’t wake up after eating at CosMc’s, it is in your best interest to accept our settlement payout. We have ways of making you look bad.”

Alexander-Basta concluded the conference by saying CosMc’s will open early next year.

“Bolingbrook means business, and business is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for trying to sell weapons to Hamas
Mayor meets with representatives from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel
Editorial: Israel and Judaism are not the same
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.