By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officially banned performances of the “Sea Shanty Melody” while Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base created “SSM” zones to accommodate the dancing performers.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement that read: “It’s been over a year since the Sea Shanty Meme started. During that time, security has had to break up numerous fights over that song.  Some of our visitors are treating it like a religion, rather than a silly melody. Enough! I don’t care if the ship is called Billy OT or Billy O’Tea.  I don’t care if you do one kick or two. I don’t care if you think the Santiana is really a hovercraft flying over Mexico. I don’t care! We just want peace and quiet on our base. We can’t stand hearing the song daily!”

Clow officials later clarified that Clow’s bars would continue to serve Wellermans, a mixed drink of rum, tea, and sugar.

After the announcement of Clow’s ban, Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen announced to the interstellar news media that Sherman will designate areas where aliens could perform and record their performances.

“Some could argue this is a cynical attempt to draw traffic away from Clow,” said Ottesen. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I think that if Palatine can allow video gambling, we can allow performances of this sea song. Who knows? Maybe we can find a way to combine them?”

Some aliens at Clow tried to protest the ban by performing to the melody but were quickly arrested. A lawyer for the protesters insisted the ban violated the Treaty of the Bermuda Triangle and vowed to have it overturned.

The lawyer also told alien reporters: “I will say that my clients appreciate being asked nicely by security to surrender before perfunctorily being sprayed with riot foam. The previous administrator of Clow would have sprayed them without any warning.”

Zeego, a resident of the Galactic Core Worlds, said she will be visiting Sherman because they are accommodating sea shanty dancers. 

“Weathermen on Earth have such a difficult job. I hope my dance lifts their spirits.”

Pozogot, who did not disclose his planet, supports Clow’s ban. “My best Earthling friend was a whale, and she was murdered in your 19th Century by those whalers. She could have been the Whale Bob Dylan, but she was murdered and turned into lamp oil!”

When reached for comment, Ottesen replied: “Your questions about UFOs make me laugh. After managing Palatine through riots and a pandemic, I could always use a laugh.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was unavailable.

“We kind of have a situation here. Steve Bannon is in the lobby and we can’t get him to leave.”

In the background, a person who sounded like Bannon said, “Marie, when I said, “Flood the zone with (expletive deleted),” I didn’t mean that literally!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Alexander-Basta to declare a ‘crypto holiday’ in Bolingbrook
First off-world alien votes arrive in Cook and Will counties
Aliens offer condolences to Rep. Casten following the death of his eldest daughter
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.