I knew most of this stuff but it was presented entertainingly.
I am never bored when I am at home alone because there are so many things enjoyable things that I can choose to do. While I greatly enjoy being in the company of a few people such as close friends or others whose company I find enjoyable, the times when I have been most bored is when I have been in large gatherings, such as parties, where one has a series of superficial conversations with many different people. If I am lucky, I may find a kindred soul with whom to sit in a corner and have more meaningful exchanges. It is even worse when the ambient noise is so loud that you cannot even hear anyone else and conversation just stops and you just sit there unable to read or even think. This can happen in bars and wedding receptions.
But one cannot always avoid such occasions. There are certain social obligations that are, well, obligatory. At such times, I just suck it up and try to make myself as agreeable as I can until I feel that I have satisfied my duty and can politely make my escape.
I discovered this website called The Introvert’s Corner that gives advice to people about “how to live a quiet life in a noisy world”. The person who was behind it has a final column on the dos and don’ts of introversion. She says that one should not overindulge one’s preference for solitude to the point of loneliness.
Say “no thanks” when you don’t want company and “yes please” when you do, and learn to recognize the difference. You might have to think a bit before you commit to anything. There’s nothing wrong with saying “Let me get back to you” to give yourself time to decide. Just be sure to get back to the person in a timely manner.
…I believe that friends go to friends’ parties, but I always keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to say “yes” to parties if I give myself permission to leave when I’m ready. And remember that when people say things like, “You can’t leave now! It won’t be a party without you!” they’re just making noises with their mouths. It doesn’t really mean you have to stay, and it will still be a party after you’re gone.
…Don’t completely discount the value of loose ties. Yes, introverts prefer fewer, deeper friendships and that’s one of our strengths, but it is also to our benefit to maintain wider circles if for no other reason than that things happen—people move away, pass away, friendships grow apart. You want people in the pipeline should you lose a close friend for some reason.
It’s pretty good advice.
The COVID lockdown was such a wonderful time for me — it relieved me of all social obligations without having to make excuses. I never felt so free and relaxed in my life. It was only after 3 months or so that I felt I could maybe use a little socialization, but only just a bit.
“the ambient noise is so loud that you cannot even hear anyone else and conversation just stops and you just sit there unable to read or even think”
Coincidentally I have just returned from a gathering that fits this description, except reading would have been rude so I couldn’t even try that and had to spend five hours sitting with a fake smile on my face politely and repeatedly declining alcohol and junk food and intermittently pretending to be able to hear what people were saying after I told them I couldn’t hear them and they (presumably) repeated themselves, only quieter and with their faces turned away or half-full of food.
I have few friends and little family left, so parties are rare. I stopped attending in-law events years ago (mine are rife with MAGAs) and now I’m not missed when my wife shows up alone. I approve and she doesn’t mind. I also declared long ago “I don’t do funerals” which everyone seems to have accepted. I experience occasional bouts of loneliness (I imagine we all do) but nothing I can’t handle.
Life has gotten much easier for me since I decided to accept who I am and set expectations accordingly.
sonofrojblake, consider testing your hearing -- you can do it in three minutes at the RNID https://rnid.org.uk/information-and-support/take-online-hearing-check/ I was having exactly this problem, did the test, told my GP practice and was referred to an audiologist without needing a GP appointment first. Now I have hearing aids with Bluetooth connectivity so phone calls or laptop are piped right into my ear canals, and they also have different settings like ‘speech in noise’ which is designed for exactly that situation. Of course that does assume you want to be able to hear these people, but it has for instance made going to the pub something I can enjoy again. This is all on the NHS including provision of batteries and other consumables.
Jazzlet,
What kind of hearing aids do you have? I have Oticon hearing aids that were pretty much top of the line when I bought them, but that was almost fifteen years ago, and I get mostly just distortion from them when trying to listed to anything that comes out of a speaker. I should probably get some new ones.
I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don’t want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me, myself, I
I wanna go to China
And to see Japan
I’d like to sail the oceans
Before the seas run dry
I wanna go by myself
I’ve just room enough for one
Me, myself, I
I wanna be a big shot
And have 90 cars
I wanna have a boyfriend
And a girl for laughs
But only on Saturdays
Six days to be alone
With just me, myself, I
Me, myself and I
Just me myself, I
Don’t wanna be the bad guy
Don’t wanna make a soul cry
It’s not that I love myself
I just don’t want company
Except me, myself, I
Me, myself and I
Just me, myself, I
I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don’t want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me, myself, I
Me, myself, I, me, myself and I
Just me, myself, I
-- “Me Myself I”, Song by Joan Armatrading 1980
Social gatherings get even worse if you suffer from anhedonia and have to mimic enjoyment to avoid standing out.
For instance, if people praise the sunshine it would be a faux pas to reveal it makes no difference to you if the sky is overcast.
.
BTW Here is a recent tidbit to make you laugh, wether you are alone or not.
“Why Right-Wing ‘Thought Leaders’ Think it’s “Gay” to Have Sex with Women”
.https://youtube.com/watch?v=knPgR8zQYRE
@Jazzlet, 4:
I appreciate the concern, thank you, but my hearing is fine. I’ve spent some time around assault rifles and spent a lot of time in noisy environments where things were getting manufactured, so I’ve had my hearing tested fairly regularly by professionals and made an assiduous effort to protect it. The last but one time the tester complimented my result with the words “you have the ears of an eight year old boy”. My immediate answer -- “yes, in a glass at the side of my bed, how did you know?” seemed to perturb her.
People who know better than I do have told me my issue is likely to be autism-related, since the mechanical getting-sound-to-the-brain bit seems to be in perfect working order even at my advancing age. This came as a revelation to me (like a lot of things ’tism-related) and (like a lot of things ’tism-related) explained a LOT. For over a decade I had my own office, and got a LOT done, but was then moved to a shared space where my productivity fell off a cliff. Post-covid, however, when it became common practice to sit at your PC with a headset on due to the ubiquity of Teams/Zoom, I was able to get back to being able to focus efficiently because I would just put a Youtube video on of ten hours of white noise in the background, which would handily block out the inane chatter of the people around me which would otherwise destroy my ability to concentrate.
billseymour @5
I have Phonak Nathos Nova M’s, a Swiss brand. I didn’t get a choice, which given how well they work for me is fine, it saved me having to investigate the options. The only time I have problems is if I have the sound up too loud for a particular video when I get a slight ringing on the top of the audio. Easily solved by turning the laptop sound down, and I think it must be to do with the levels a given video is recorded at as I can listen to several videos without it, then have it happen without me altering the sound, adjust the sound to stop the ringing then I’ll find the next video is a little too quiet. Oh I suppose swapping between the phone and lap top is a little irritating as as far as I can tell the only way to do so is to turn the aids off and on again, not a huge problem unless someone phones while I’ve got them set for the laptop -- I just call them back. You adjust the settings for different sound environments on the smart phone app, and link to it by sticking the phone in front of you for a minute or so after you’ve turned the aids on. If you don’t do that they pick up the whatever other Bluetooth connection is nearby, which in my case is always the laptop. I don’t suppose they are the only brand doing the same things, and I know from other hearing aid users in the UK that they aren’t what everyone here has, I may have just been lucky in my timing as those who have had their aids longer don’t seem to have all the same features. It would certainly be worth you checking the current options, but you might need to change your speakers too as the sound quality is definitely better via Bluetooth than listening to it ambiently. The one thing I would have preferred would have been to have rechargeable batteries, I do get them for free, but they need changing every three days or so which does lead to small piles of them waiting to be recycled.
sonofrojblake @8
Good to hear, I thought that might be the case given things I thought I remembered you’d mentioned in past comments, but given that loss of hearing is usually something that happens gradually and so can be missed because we don’t realise we’ve lost it was worth mentioning.
Dear Mano Singham,
I appreciate your thoughtful insightful (yet not incite-ful) posts.
I have pondered this being alone situation from a number of perspectives.
1)Being alone is different from being lonely.
2)In my organization, we find many of the people we run into are superficial in their thoughts and interests. And some live in a world of bigotry and violence. Thus, there are people and gatherings we don’t care to interact with.
3)We know that completely isolating yourself from society is mentally/emotionally unhealthy, so we try to find people that are kind and thoughtful to interact with. (anti who? aunti social!)
4)We value time spent alone to read, study, learn and create (as well as some entertaining ‘non-productive’ activities) and consider that to be a positive ‘aloneness’.
5)Sadly, I, and those in our organization, are at the three-quarters Century point in life so a lot of our aloneness and loneliness is due to the loss of many valued friends.
I hope this is a worthwhile contribution to the discussion.
ShermanJ