It’s the middle of November. Yes, that means it’s time to take up arms to do battle in the “War on Christmas”! As we approach the joyous season of peace and goodwill, we can look forward to the moment, arriving any day now, when people like Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson of Fox News and their devoted followers come together in a spirit of unity to once again declare war on those who do not celebrate the holidays in their officially-approved Christian manner. This is a sure-fire ratings booster for the holiday season, not that I would think for a minute that these two Jesus-loving men would exploit this issue for their own gain.
A Jerry Falwell affiliated group Liberty Counsel has already started its annual “Friend or Foe” campaign where you can “pledge to be the “Friend” to those entities which do not censor Christmas and a “Foe” to those that do,” simply by buying buttons and bumper stickers that say “I helped save Christmas.” This is the perfect Christmas gift for all those ardent advocates for the war in Iraq who feel that they have done more than their part for the war effort by talking tough, flying flags, and having magnetic ribbons stuck on their cars that say “I support the troops.”
What defending Christmas also means is that during the season, these warriors for Christ are going to keep a sharp lookout for those people who betray their anti-Christmas bias. To avoid falling under suspicion, be sure to say “Merry Christmas” when you meet someone you don’t know or trust. To openly say “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings,” either verbally or in greeting cards, is to open oneself to the suspicion of being an agent of the Antichrist.
Furthermore, you must only shop in stores that have explicitly Christian messages plastered over them and have overtly religious decorations involving mangers and crosses and baby Jesus statues. All other shops must be boycotted, unless they happen to run a really good sale on exactly the item you were dying to buy, in which case you are permitted to go in and buy just that item and no more. Stores can have pagan decorations like Santa Claus and reindeer and snow and mistletoe and holly if they like, but to escape censure there must be a clear core of Christian symbolism that is obvious to even the most obtuse because, let’s face it, most of the people who are out earnestly looking for anti-Christian activity are pretty stupid and have little else going on in their lives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
If any store employee should greet you with the Christmas-hating code-words “Happy Holidays,” you must immediately report the incident to the war’s generals like O’Reilly and Gibson so that they can devote entire programs to this issue. You should also demand to the offending employees’ supervisors that they be fired, or at the very least be sent to re-education camps where they can learn the true meaning of Christmas, which is that it is the time of year when people who have both deep faith and lots of disposable income are strongly urged to engage in a orgy of conspicuous consumption and trample over other people in stores to obtain hard-to-get but highly desired toys for their already pampered children.
People are already sounding the alarm about the dangers to Christianity posed by the rise of Islamojihadifascism in the US. One Wal-Mart store this year has decided to preemptively deflect any accusations that it might be a front organization for al Qaeda, suspicions which were fueled last year by it having what it called a ‘holiday shop’, which everyone knows is code for saying they welcome Christmas haters. “They’re decking the halls inside this Wal-Mart in Germantown, Maryland. . .where a Christmas shop replaces last year’s holiday shop. Christmas carols will soon resonate throughout the store and a countdown to Christmas sign is front and center.”
But despite all this vigilance, the US is still not safe for Christians. Attempts at subverting its Christian heritage are everywhere. An example of the creeping Islamification that is going on is the election of Keith Ellison to Congress from the state of Minnesota. He is the first Muslim (converting to that religion at the age of 19) to be elected to that body and Important Questions are already being raised such as what book he will be using to be sworn in. Could it be (oh, the horror!) the Koran?
Unfortunately, because of the existence of Article VI, Section 3 of that pesky god-hating document known as the US constitution that bars any religious test for the holding of public office, no one is required to swear on the Bible but can simply affirm their intent to uphold the constitution. If people do want to bring their religion in using a book as a prop, they are free to do so and I am pretty certain that Jews and Christians in Congress do not swear on exactly the same book. Some of the secular humanist heathen hiding in our midst might use this to argue that the addition of yet another religious book for swearing should hardly be a problem.
This kind of subversive thinking must be suppressed. True soldiers of Christ view the prospect of Ellison swearing on the Koran as a source of major concern, the thin edge of the wedge. To allow such things is to risk have the US turn away from Jesus and becoming a godless heathen nation, or even worse, have everyone converting to Islam. It is only a short step from that to banning alcohol and insisting on having women fully covered from head to toe and kept separate from men who are not family members. This would take all the meaning out of traditional religious Christmas ceremonies like office parties, and eliminate such time-honored rituals like throwing up and passing out on the floor.
As I have written before, fortunately there are still some vigilant guardians of religious traditions, like the judge in North Carolina who ruled that a prospective juror could not swear on the Koran. Perhaps that decision could be used as a precedent to prevent Ellison carrying out his diabolical plan.
So in the next few weeks we should all listen carefully and get our instructions from upstanding Christians like O’Reilly and Gibson and Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, all of whom will prescribe exactly what are the allowable forms that “peace on earth and goodwill to all people” should take so that we can celebrate the holiday the old-fashioned way, by making life miserable for those who don’t act the way we think they should.
Let’s all join the war against those who reveal their hatred of Christmas by trying to make it more inclusive. Because that’s what Jesus would do.
Irony is amusing. Re-education camps for the true meaning of Christmas — ha! With twenty-four hour screenings of “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown”?
Fervent Christians and political correctness folks are responsible for making Christmas into a war of words. If a person says “Merry Christmas” to another, he or she should not be labeled as a Christian lover or a racist against other faiths. Same goes for a person that just wants to say “Happy Holidays!”
Why should we act so differently if we refer trees as christmas or holiday trees, or lights as holiday or christmas lights? So if I see lights being strung up along the trees in front of my office building, should I be offended?
Also, besides arguing whether the tree inside the office lobby is a holiday or christmas tree, there would be atheists claiming that the tree is a religious symbol, so it should have no place there.
James, if you follow the first link right at the top of the post, you will see my post last year which deals with the very issues you raise.
On something of a tangent, you presented the strategy that boycotters should ignore their boycott for items that are on particularly good discounts. On the face of it, this sounds just as silly as the rest of the piece, but on reflection I reckon it’s a good plan, and here’s why: items on heavy discount are typically loss leaders, which the store loses money on in the hope of making it back on the other things people buy once in the store. So boycotters of any stripe would increase the financial impact of their boycott if they do buy sale items from the boycotted store, as long as they buy nothing at full price.
Thank you for my morning hilarity.
Also, speaking as a person who has worked retail around the holidays, I can tell you with certainty that people really do get annoyed if you tell them “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”, depending on which one you use at the wrong time. By the time December 24th rolled around, I had decided to stick to “have a nice day”, and nobody had a problem with that.
At least I was in a fairly secular area for most of my retail stint, so that nobody came straight in from church to do their shopping and yelled at me for working on a Sunday. I know people who this has happened to.
Merry Christmas Mano.
Your metioned re-education camps for Christmas slackers and backsliders.What a splendid idea. I think 3-5 days of 24 hour immersion in Christmas carols, along with visuals of creches etc (coloring books could be provided for those slow to pick up the beat) I suppose once we got going we could open the curriculum to wrappings, ribbons, e-mail announcements of sales, cookie recipes. Not to mention frankincense and myrrh.
As a kid growing up their were two fantastic times of the year, one was the family vacation, one was Christmas….Just like any fantastic religious festival Christmas is magic…
Those who want to take everything that has been part of this celebration and diminish it into “Holiday ” so that they can make these traditions their own are arrogant, selfish and Grinches.
I Christmas shop and last year I decided if the only place that still allowed Christmas to be Christmas was a Christian book store, that that is where I would Christmas shop…I’m not a Church member.
I saw that some places did allow Christmas this year, and that’s were I shopped.
If I recieved a Holiday Catalog..I would cancel. If I saw a Christmas catalog I would order it. I did all of my Christmas shopping were this day was respected…And I send CHRISTMAS cards!
Because I want to always be surrounded by Christmas this time of year…
If you don’t respect it please don’t ask to profit from it…or me.
I don’t mean to get on the case of Best Buy, but I won’t buy at Best Buy this Christmas. Instead, I’ll say “Bye, bye!” and sing my new song, protesting their decision to ban Christmas greetings from their ad campaign:
Best Buy Inn
words and music by Dr. BLT (c) 2006
http://www.drblt.net/music/BestBI.mp3
I can’t tell what Mr. Singham’s point is here?
That fanatics are really annoying?
My main beef is about political correctness blocking Christian symbols ANYWHERE yet promoting any other religions.
I do not want to push my beliefs on others, but I would like the ACLU to start going to court for Christians that are being persecuted too.
I don’t personally agree to harassing shops that are just trying to avoid angering people. But I do get angry at the apparant movement to strip the United States of its cultural events. Would we go to India and tell the Hindus not to have their public religious festivals? Would we go to Iraq and ban Moslem celebrations?
Finally, the Constitution says the government shall not pass a law regarding religion. Nor prohibit its practice.
I believe that any event, school pagent, etc. that includes the culture of all major religions of the student body, town, etc. is not violating the constitution.
Virginia,
There is always the danger with satire is that some people don’t quite get it. My point is really that I find it absurd that people can get so angry over the form that a greeting takes, especially during a time supposedly meant to encourage feelings of peace and good will towards one another.
The “establishment clause” of the First Amendment to the US constitution has been clarified as to its meaning over time. In EPPERSON et al., v.ARKANSAS. 393 U.S. 97 (1968), the Supreme Court said: “Government in our democracy, state and national, must be neutral in matters of religious theory, doctrine, and practice. It may not be hostile to any religion or to the advocacy of nonreligion; and it may not aid, foster, or promote one religion or religious theory against another or even against the militant opposite. The First Amendment mandates governmental neutrality between religion and religion, and between religion and nonreligion.”
Of course, Christians should not be persecuted for practicing their faith, nor should any other religious groups. You do not cite any examples of the persecution of Christians, so it is hard to say what you are calling upon the ACLU to act against.
But all that the constituiton says is that neither the government, nor its agencies, should be seen as promoting or denigrating any or all religions. It should stay strictly neutral.
Dr. M S-
For someone who is decidedly non-religious you are getting into the middle of a very picky religious fray. Most of our Christian attitudes come from a specific experience of suffering when people unwittingly (or purposely) speak out against God, Jesus, or Christianity. To say “Merry Christmas” to some could offend because of their background: it doesn’t offend me. To say “Happy Holidays” could offend others because it could be denying the “Christ” in “Christmas”: it doesn’t offend me. I am decidedly Christian, open-minded, caring, hopeful, and interested in people with other ideas than mine. Do I surprise you? There are many of my friends that are like me.
Blessings.
Jeannette,
Actually, you do not surprise me because I know many people like you, including members of my own family. The people I am aiming at were those who get offended by being greeted using the “wrong” words.