The fundamentalist formula for electoral success

Some of the right-wing loons are speaking their minds, and it certainly is an ugly pit of frothing, foaming sludge sloshing about in their crania. Archy finds a frightening example of insanity out there; this is the blog of an anti-choice Christian Reconstructionist who is just thrilled to pieces about Sarah Palin, but can’t stand John McCain. After demonstrating his ignorance rather painfully in giving his reasons why Palin should be elected, (“There is more untapped oil in Alaska than in Saudi Arabia”), he offers his plan for fundies to win the election.

  1. Vote Constitution Party. (I vote my conscience and cannot support McCain even with Palin.)
  2. Pray for Sarah Palin to win. (I am an idealist, but also a realist!)
  3. Pray for John McCain’s salvation and speedy death. (Google The Forerunner’s articles on Impecatory Prayer if you think this is harsh.)

So…vote for some other gomer who doesn’t have a chance of winning — I like that part. I hope he does vote that way, as do many other radical Christians.

Next, be a realist (I don’t think he knows what that word means), and ask his omnipotent sky fairy to magically bypass his vote and give the election to the Republicans. This isn’t so bad — I wish more radical Christians would take their faith more seriously and sit at home praying furiously and ineffectually. I urge them all to spend election day on bended knee before folded hands.

Finally, and this is the ugly, as opposed to the merely moronic, part of the fundagelical brain, ask said sky fairy to murder the president. Also ineffectual and a good waste of the Christian’s time, but jeez, that’s cold and amoral. And revealing.

Lying for Texas and Jesus

Texas now has a law that requires all public schools to offer an elective course in the Christian bible, thanks to a bill authored by Warren Chisum, who will for all eternity be remembered as the “Bible-thumping dwarf from Pampa,” a phrase by Molly Ivins. This is a tricky one; I’m not opposed to teaching the bible as an example of literature, since it is, and is a rather widely used source in addition, but there’s more here than a Texas hick acquiring a sudden and previously unexhibited appreciation for literature. He may have to be remembered for something else — a palpable knack for dimwitted irony.

You see, it has to be the Christian bible, not one of them upstarts like the Bhagavad Gita or the Torah or the Quran or the Book of Mormon, ’cause none of those have historical or literary value. Really. He said that.

And Chisum said the legislature specifically addressed the Bible, not the Quran or any other religious writing, because “the Bible as a text … has historical and literary value.”

“It can’t go off into other religious philosophies because then it would be teaching religion, when the course is meant to teach literature,” he said.

I am amused. So you must teach the bible because it’s literary, but if you teach any of those other books, why, you’re just trying to sneak religion into the classroom.

What’s the opposite of a didgeridoo?

Apparently, it’s an eppendorf pipette. If you aren’t a science nerd, an eppendorf pipette is one of the ubiquitous tools of molecular biology — it’s a calibrated gadget for dispensing minute quantities of liquids.

Eppendorf is now selling an automated pipettor called epMotion … and judging by the promotional video and music, it’s also intended to raise estrogen levels. Don’t watch it unless you want to be emasculated!

(The tune is rather catchy. I’m suddenly in the mood to cuddle.)

epMotion Song

Pipetting all those well-plates, baby, sends your thumbs into overdrive
And spending long nights in the lab makes it hard for your love to thrive

What you need is automation, girl, something easy as 1 2 3
So put down that pipette, honey, I got something that will set you free

And it’s called epMotion (whisper: ’cause you deserve something really great)
Girl you need epMotion (whisper: yeah girl it’s time to automate)
It’s got to be epMotion (whisper: no more pipetting late at night)
Only for you epMotion (whisper: girl this time we got it right)

DNA
RNA
Proteins
Cell Cultures
Less reagents
Faster workflow
Saves you money
Well, well, well

And it’s called epMotion (whisper: ’cause you deserve something really great)
Girl you need epMotion (whisper: yeah girl it’s time to automate)
It’s got to be epMotion (whisper: no more pipetting late at night)
Only for you epMotion (whisper: girl this time we got it right)

Didgeridoos are not for you, little girl

Harper Collins is about to release a children’s book called The Daring Book for Girls(amzn/b&n/abe/pwll) in Australia. It contains a very short section on how to play a didgeridoo — and wouldn’t you know it, someone is offended.

But the general manager of the Victorian Aboriginal Education Association, Dr Mark Rose, says the publishers have committed a major faux pas by including a didgeridoo lesson for girls.

Dr Rose says the didgeridoo is a man’s instrument and touching it could make girls infertile, and has called for the book to be pulped.

I think Dr Rose has confused aboriginal belief with reality. The didgeridoo is a long piece of hollow painted wood. Go ahead, girls, you can touch it and it won’t hurt you, no matter how much someone claims its magic powers will do weird things to your gonads.

I would think that he could, possibly, make a case for cultural insensitivity if it were true that it would the book violated native taboos, but even that wouldn’t be grounds for demanding that the book be destroyed — it would just mean that members of a culture that rigidly defines women’s roles would not be buying the book. But this Rose kook goes further — he’s not just saying it violates a tradition, he is arguing that it literally has magic powers. What next, will Catholics start claiming that pieces of bread literally turn into pieces of a god? That would be ridiculous.

“I would say from an Indigenous perspective, an extreme mistake, but part of a general ignorance that mainstream Australia has about Aboriginal culture,” he said.

“We know very clearly that there is a range of consequences for females touching a didgeridoo, it’s men’s business, and in the girls book, instructions on how to use it, for us it is an extreme cultural indiscretion.”

Dr Rose says the consequences for a girl touching a didgeridoo can be quite extreme.

“It would vary in the places where it is, infertility would be the start of it ranging to other consequences,” he said.

“I won’t even let my daughter touch one…. as cultural respect. And we know it’s men’s business.

“In our times there are men’s business and women’s business, and the didgeridoo is definitely a men’s business ceremonial tool.”

Heh heh. He said “ceremonial tool.” I know who’s playing the tool here.

(via Josh Reviews Everything)

Palinanity

This is a terrifying video. It’s Sarah Palin going on and on in front of her Assembly of God church, talking about the war in Iraq as “a task that is from God”, promising the congregants the gift of prophecy, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…it ought to make any rational human being ill.

But that’s not the scary part. The truly frightening prospect, and the thing that we must not forget lest we underestimate Palin, is that huge numbers of people in this country will find that blithering speech uplifting and wonderful. We atheists view it with alarmed horror, that an idiot like that could be considered vice-presidential material, but there are people in your neighborhood right now who will watch that and say that she is obviously a good person, they will identify with her, and they will vote for her.

While most of her positions are outside the mainstream, this flavor of Jesus-talk is not. While her hypocrisy of talking small government and detesting federalism while expanding government and raking in pork may grate on people who look at her record, all most are going to see is that she is pretty and upbeat.

I know. She sounds like a moron. But get ready, she’s also a walking advertisement for the corrupting power of religion to mask substance and elevate superficialities and lies to the status of perceived truth.

McCain/Palin could still win this election, unbelievable as that may sound.