You’re doing it wrong

In the Department of Unfortunate Analogies, here’s a Christian minister giving advice on one’s marital obligations:

As I said, sometimes sex is just sex; it’s what you do when you are married. Just like cleaning the toilet is what you do to keep your house clean…and I bet you don’t have this great desire or huge emotional connection to scrubbing the porcelain! You do it because it needs to be done and that’s the way it is with married sex… it does need to be done! It’s the glue that God gave us to bond us to one another. The bible is very clear that it is your responsibility as a spouse.

Au contraire…if ever you’re at the point where sex is a chore like scrubbing a toilet, I think maybe it’s time to back off and think and talk and figure out what you’re doing wrong.

Unless, of course, rubber gloves, disinfectants, and getting down with a great big bristly scrubbing brush is your kink.

Boobquake bombed

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The results are in, and I’m sorry to say that women dressing provocatively caused no significant statistical difference in the frequency or magnitude of earthquakes. Geology is simply unimpressed by small localized fat concentrations on the short-lived bodies of mammals.

I’m afraid, though, that the experiment didn’t test the alternative hypothesis: that there is a lecherous god using reverse psychology on us. That’s the problem with the whole god idea — it’s a shifting target.

Brace yourself

It’s the day of the Boobquake.

It’s amazing how much press this event is getting. I was going to say that if we do get a flurry of earthquakes today, the women are going to be insufferable…but even if it’s an ordinary day geologically, they’ll have managed to create a small mediaquake.

Invalid hypothetical anatomy

Archy is speculating about Gould’s idea that if you rewound the tape of life and replayed it, you might get some very different results…and he suggests that in a different world, molluscs could have replaced vertebrates as the dominant large metazoan. This is perfectly reasonable, but he chose to illustrate the concept, and my SIWOTI syndrome kicked in.

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Noooo! He’s got an arrow for a “large brain” pointing to an enlarged fleshy flap above the eyes. That’s not where the cephalopod brain is located! They have a ventral nerve cord — the central brain would be deep, between the eyes and behind the beak, wrapped around the esophagus.

In this alternate universe, the intelligent cephalopods would be speculating about how those primitive, stupid vertebrates could have evolved into something as clever as they are, and they’d draw something frog-like and point to a puffy throat-sac and say, “look at its big brain!”

But OK, the ray gun is cool.

Uh-oh, now you’re in big trouble

I never thought of this, but it’s a real danger: the Homeopathic Bomb.

Homeopathic bombs are comprised of 99.9% water but contain the merest trace element of explosive. The solution is then repeatedly diluted so as to leave only the memory of the explosive in the water molecules. According to the laws of homeopathy, the more that the water is diluted, the more powerful the bomb becomes.

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All I need is a minuscule quantity of octanitrocubane and a couple of liters of bottled water, and *POW*, I’ll have the deadliest water balloon in the universe. Those people who were afraid the LHC was going to destroy the planet when it was switched on had better watch out, because I will tap the POWER of HOMEOPATHY!

It’s not just the Catholics, amen

The intersection of sex and religion can get very disturbing. But if you want really disturbing, forget Catholicism — that’s just old school abuse of power and guilt and ugliness, given strength by sheer numbers. The really freaky stuff is in cults, like The Family International. Don’t click on that link unless you want to get sucked into a vortex of insanity — it’s about a sex cult that used what they called “Flirty Fishing”, more commonly known as prostitution, to recruit followers to Jesus and to make money, among other things.

I got that from a link to a blog by a phone sex worker, which can also draw you in. Now that I’ve ruined all your productivity for the day, I’m going to put the internet aside and go get some work done.

The Mark of the Beast will be foiled by Republicans!

I learned something odd this morning. Three US states have laws on the books, created by Republican legislators, making it illegal to insert microchips into people. Virginia has even declared them to be the mark of the beast from Revelation.

And now Georgia is hoping to join the ranks of the crazy states. There is a bill pending, SB 235, the “Microchip Consent Act of 2009; prohibit requiring a person to be implanted with a microchip”, which is symptomatic of the problem. This nice opinion piece summarizes why it is nuts.

In Gov. Roy Barnes’ stump speech, the bill has become a routine example of the Republican tendency to attack problems that don’t exist, and ignore the ones that do. Besides, Barnes argues, if someone holds him down to insert a microchip in his head, “it should be more than a damned misdemeanor.”

But it goes even deeper than that. These bills, despite the protests of the sponsors, are driven by biblical baloney — there is this weird fear by crazy Christians that the onset of the apocalypse is going to be signified by people getting barcodes or chips or tattoos or something weird on their hand and forehead. The Georgia state house recently witnessed testimony in favor of the bill that shows how close this religious delusion is to serious mental illness.

He was followed by a hefty woman who described herself as a resident of DeKalb County. “I’m also one of the people in Georgia who has a microchip,” the woman said. Slowly, she began to lead the assembled lawmakers down a path they didn’t want to take.

Microchips, the woman began, “infringe on issues that are fundamental to our very existence. Our rights to privacy, our rights to bodily integrity, the right to say no to foreign objects being put in our body.”

She spoke of the “right to work without being tortured by co-workers who are activating these microchips by using their cell phones and other electronic devices.”

She continued. “Microchips are like little beepers. Just imagine, if you will, having a beeper in your rectum or genital area, the most sensitive area of your body. And your beeper numbers displayed on billboards throughout the city. All done without your permission,” she said.

That’s just sad. That woman is ill; she’s paranoid and delusional. And she’s being called upon to support time- and money-wasting legislation to endorse her hallucinations.

Even sadder: the committee hearing this testimony went on to approve the bill.