Somebody please restore my faith in humanity and reassure me that Christvertising is satire.

A Catholic bishop (of a weird breakaway sect, admittedly) has endorsed the

Protocols of the Elders of Zion and declared that Jews are conspiring to rule the world

.

Obviously, the man must be an evolutionist. Only through Darwin can one become a hateful racist.^*

^*Necessary disclaimer: obviously, I’m saying this with a sarcastic sneer.

For those of you who don’t follow the comments…you might want to try and read this one. I don’t quite know what it’s about, my eyes glazed over.

Just so you know what kind of evil person I am, I actually contemplated disemvoweling that magnum opus before mentioning it. Just the thought of hundreds of people struggling to interpolate the vowels in a long gibbering screed brought a wicked smirk to my face.

There’s going to be a meeting this summer in Altenberg of a small subset of evolutionary biologists to discuss the next step in the evolution of evolutionary biology, which this article describes as a “Woodstock of evolution”, populated with scientific “rock stars”. All I can say is “bleh.” This meeting sounds like it will be wonderfully entertaining, but get real: it will not settle or even define much of anything. These are interesting times in biology, with a lot of argument at a high level about levels of selection and evo-devo and modes of speciation and self-organisation and etc., etc., etc. (and I have to rush to say that these debates have nothing to do with creationism, although the creationists love to pretend that the scientific arguments are related to their flat-earth philosophy). However, the actual state of the theory will be determined by the working scientists who produce useful results, not by theorizing at a mansion in Vienna. Expect emergence from a practical perspective, not rock-stars issuing edicts.

Larry Moran appreciates the article because the author reached out to scientists who are not attending the meeting, like Richard Lewontin — and that’s another problem with puffing up the importance of Altenberg. Not only is it a small meeting that can’t be representative of the breadth of thought in the world of evolutionary biology, but it leaves out people like Lewontin? What insane world would consider the future of modern biology without consideration of the perspectives of Lewontin? So I’ll agree with Larry that far, kudos to the writer for trying. Otherwise, though, I find much that is objectionable in the story.

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Hackers have replaced the Irish Catholic page with a cute video and a link to the Irish Atheists page. I really should scold such deplorable virtual vandalism, but, well, instead I grabbed a quick screen capture before it gets taken down.

I thought the video was pretty funny, too, mocking the silly costumery of the Catholic hierarchy. Alright, hackers, you were naughty, don’t do it again … but you did make me laugh.

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Good news — it’s not a hack at all. Those clever Irish atheists merely beat the Irish Catholics to their domain name…so it should be up indefinitely.

As you all know, the position of President of the World is traditionally determined by a vote on facebook. In the last millennium, the title was awarded to the Papacy, and we are all aware of what an awful cock-up that was — it was also a rigged vote, since the only computer with facebook access was kept in the Vatican. This millennium, it’s a race between Facebook PZ and Facebook Phil, and of course Phil has already mobilized his evil hordes. Being a much nicer guy — the kind of beneficent tyrant you would want to dominate you — I haven’t been pushing for this one, but think that perhaps the decent thing to do is compromise. So I have a few suggestions.

We could simply divide this by the electorate. Everyone who lives on earth should vote for me, while all the space-based citizens can vote for Phil. Or perhaps all sentient biological organisms should vote for me, while any of you inorganic creatures reading this can vote for Phil.

Or we could divvy up the spoils. I get planet Earth and all the residents thereon, while Phil gets outer space, and has dominion over all vacuums. That sounds fair and gracious to me. After all, this is the World presidency, not the Offworld presidency.

Alternatively, if Phil is unwilling to consider my generous offer, we could just crush him and take it all. That might be simplest.

In a story about large snakes thriving in California, Hank Fox noticed an interesting warning.

As for other potential prey, human beings – like rodents, beavers and deer – are mammals, government scientists confirmed.

This is obviously why we pay the government scientists the big bucks: to keep hairy bipedal animals with mammary glands informed about their taxonomic status. I’m imagining some blase Californian reading the article which tells them that these pythons eat small mammals, completely unconcerned, until, like a howling siren of alarm, the paper informs them that they happen to be mammals, too, and are therefore likely to be eaten by snakes.

And it gets more amusing. The snakes are traveling to California from Florida, following a trail made by the “large population of beavers along the way” — a path that is unimpeded by the presence of few lions and tigers to eat them. After explaining that the snakes will not be found in the colder areas of the state, readers receive another terrifying nugget of information.

Such remote areas, however, could not support every panicked Californian seeking to avoid the giant snakes.

How many panicked Californians are there, anyway? Did they all read their morning paper, gasp in shock, “Holy crap, I’m a mammal? Snakes are gonna eat me!” and run for the hills?

This was apparently on the front page of the SF Chronicle…I hope the writer had fun putting it together, and that not too many readers clogged the freeways as they fled to the Sierras.

Usually I’m complaining about some fresh inanity from the religious side, but I have to be fair: this is an example of secular child abuse. It’s the Baby Loves Disco franchise, that is driving parents to bring the little kiddies to a club, where they are forced to relive the horrors of the 70s, with Travolta-esque dancers and the shrill falsettos of the Bee Gees ringing in their ears.

I lived through the 70s. I was on the dating scene in the 70s. I have been to a KC and the Sunshine Boys concert; I have seen the glitter and the flash, and heard the maddening, endless beats. I would never inflict such a nightmare on my children, nor would I want to be in a room with a disco ball — it might trigger flashbacks.

Oh, well. It could be worse. It could be Christian disco (yes, there is such a thing.)

Abel Pharmboy had an awesome idea: he liveblogged his vasectomy. Now that is a true blogger.