Isn’t that a terrifically click-baity title? I should just stop here while I’m hot.
The Jade Helm 15 exercise is in full swing, and the paranoid right-wingers in Texas are sitting in their bunkers, fondling their guns. Alas for them — they have no idea of the magnitude of the horror that awaits them.
‘US military secretly preparing for asteroid that will wipe out mankind in September’
A GIGANTIC asteroid will smash into the earth this September, causing mankind to die out in a dinosaur-style mass extinction, conspiracy theorists are warning.
You had no idea, either, did you? You haven’t been following the right sources.
Internet bloggers and Armageddon conspiracists are predicting the “end of days” event to happen between September 22 to 28.
Oh, well then, Internet bloggers said it, I guess that means it’s true. Unfortunately, this article keeps mentioning “bloggers” in the same way a more prestigious paper would mention “unnamed sources at the Pentagon”, but doesn’t bother to link to any. I guess we’re now just a class of authorities that requires no further specification.
One blogger has worryingly suggested US residents retain their firearms after suggesting that the controversial military operation Jade Helm taking place between July and September in several southern states is in preparation for predicted anarchy that could ensue as the asteroid nears the planet.
Meanwhile, many fringe religious groups and Biblical theorists are claiming the predicted impact will herald the beginning of the Rapture – a seven-year tribulation period.
It just goes on and on about all these ludicrous apocalyptic theories, and it completely misses the most important one. The date for this exercise was chosen because this is when the stars are in alignment, and lost R’Lyeh shall rise, and the great god Cthulhu will at last consume us all.
A blogger said it, so you can believe it.
Has your day started crappy?
Do you want to pull out your hair (assuming you’re not like me and devoid of hair)?
Do the vile scumbags of the world make you want to borrow the Lounge Sledgehammer and destroy all the fine china around the globe?
Never fear, I have the solution to your woes. Well, not really a solution, so much as your morning amusement. Thanks to a Facebook friend, I have found the light to brighten all our days- Liberal Darkness.
The author is one of those ebil liberals who uses this post to poke fun at Jade Helm conspiracy theorists. Here’s a sample:
Relentless mockery-the only way to handle stupid-as-fuck conspiracy theories.
“this is when the stars are in alignment, and lost R’Lyeh shall rise, and the great god Cthulhu will at last consume us all.”
Finally!
“Others seem convinced that the meteorite’s arrival will somehow be caused by a gravitational mishap during tests currently being carried out by the Large Hadron Collider – miles of tunnels where scientists are smashing atoms to try to discover a parallel universe.”
To quote Keanu Reeves: “Whoooaa”.
That was some good mockery right there. When I got to the “homosexual chemtrails” I cracked up.
What, are conspiracy theorists stealing ideas from British TV shows again? That was the plot of the ‘Heavy Metal’ episode of Thunderbirds Are Go! a few weeks ago.
You all missed the main point.
According to reliable sources who aren’t bloggers, the Second Coming is September 28. John Hagee and Pastor Blitz said it so it must be true. This is the last of the four blood moons.
You have a little over a month left so enjoy your last summer.
And don’t worry if you miss this Apocalypse. Apocalypses, Second Comings, and Raptures are like buses. There is always another one coming along.
(Hagee has already predicted it once. And was wrong as usual.)
re LHConspiracies:
I like how they slipped in “Scientists at the LHC agree it could produce a black hole” with no mention of the physics of the what would happen to such black holes. It evaporates in nanoseconds. With black holes, size IS important. They then throw in another statement, they briefly acknowledge as nonsense [i see them winking] with “people think such a black hole will attract asteroids, causing the apocolipsses” without considering that a black hole does not create gravitational forces out of nowhere. That concentrating mass at the LHC to form a black hole does not magnify the gravitational attraction of the Earth.
ugh
please tell me: that Express site is a British version of Onion. I cant but smell Onion while reading that site
September 24-28? Well, at least I’ll be able get one of my pumpkin tossing events in before the end. Both, if it’s as late as the 28th.
Trebuchet @8. Do you still have any openings for pumpkin catchers at your event? There are a few people I’d like to volunteer for the position.
Wait. All humans are about to be wiped out in a mass extinction…therefore it’s important to hold on to your firearms? Do they have some use to dead people I’m not aware of? If it turns out guns are the best way to keep Ammit from your heart, it’s been talked up surprisingly little.
slithey tove @7:
CERN statement
And a lot of those collisions were at much higher energy than LHC can generate.
I’m left wondering: Why prevent anarchy if we’re all going to die in a few days anyway?
No, no, no! The Rapture & the Great Tribulation are two separate events! Probably close to each other time-wise, but not the same thing at all. Read your Bible, people! Well, actually, you can’t learn any of this stuff by simply reading the Bible; your study will have to guided by a biblical prophecy “expert” who knows how to take bits & pieces from the Revelation, the Old Testament prophets, & various other places, usually ignoring the context, & toss them into a delicious salad of doomsday drama. It’s best to stick with just one “expert,” though. If you start comparing their interpretations, you’ll find that they don’t agree on anything.
Hey, people, I feel like making you jealous, and perhaps mad, so here is :
In my language (French) there’s not even a received expression meaning “the Rapture”. Or if there is, nobody knows it, except maybe a handful of theologians. When I try to explain a few things about US fundamentalists to people I know, I have to use the word “Rapture” in English.
You’re not just a blogger, PZ, you’re a SCIENCE blogger. That means it is scientifically proven that this is true.
The discovery of an asteroid* big enough to extinguish us, on an unalterable** collision course with earth, could actually provide us with a precise advance date for humanity’s end of days. Good premise for a speculative fiction story. How would most people behave, assuming the news got out?
* Or plutoid hurled from its Kuiper Belt orbit by a passing black hole, or whatever.
** Because even Bruce Willis with nukes wouldn’t actually be able to affect the trajectory of a 100 km diameter asteroid enough to make a difference.
Hey! You take that back about Bruce Willis!
If it is a red comet then it is obviously the return of Azor Ahai.
Not surprising. To my knowledge, the only country in the world that comes even within the same ballpark as the U.S. in terms of sheer insane profusion of Christian apocalyptic cults would be Germany, and its heyday for that was a couple of centuries ago. (And half of them moved to the U.S.)
The U.S. had this odd combination of no established church to define orthodoxy, an open frontier that allowed anybody with enough charisma to hang out their shingle as a preacher. and enough danger to make some people turn to anybody for certainty. Look over the history of the burned-over district of western New York during the Second Great Awakening of the early 1800s. This is the period that gave us the Mormons and the Seventh Day Adventists.
Heck, the entire concept of the Rapture as it is known today really only traces back to the Scofield Reference Bible of the early 1900s. and didn’t really hit general public consciousness until people like Hal Lindsey in the 1970s. It’s really a much newer concept than many people think.
“The date for this exercise was chosen because this is when the stars are in alignment, and lost R’Lyeh shall rise, and the great god Cthulhu will at last consume us all.”
Hey, this makes more sense than the conspiracy theories…
(Ia! Ia!)
Click-baity would be “This asteroid struck the CERN collider’s dinosaurs during Jade Helm, and you won’t BELIEVE what happened next!”
May we all be eaten first or at least somewhere in the middle.
After those pesky xtians have been evaporated on the 28th, you’re all welcome at my place for coffee and after-rapture mints.
“his is when the stars are in alignment, and lost R’Lyeh shall rise, and the great god Cthulhu will at last consume us all.”
Wait I thought this was when the King in Yellow returns from Lost Carcosa? Or was that when the Sleeper in the Pyramid awakens and begins preparing the way for the return of the Black Pharaoh?
Excuse me, I need to go double check my apocalyptic calendar.
And then I had to google after-rapture mints.
I live in Bastrop, TX, and I have found the last couple of days to be a big disappointment. I mean, now what am I supposed to do with all these sweets and flowers?
And where the hell are my Liberators?
Get it together, Jade Helm, if that is your real name.
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
The Rapture is when I go to heaven. The Tribulation is when the rest of you all go to hell.
The Last Policeman trilogy has exactly that premise. Excellent books. Highly recommended.
wcorvi, I thought you were already in the heavens.
So Shitmagedon is going to hit the fan “September 22 to 28”?
Hey! My birthday is the the 29th.
Fuck!
Now it’s personal.
Ryan Cunningham@29,
Thanks – I’ll check it out.
Ryan Cunningham @29: Does the book mention the asteroid’s velocity as it hits the atmosphere?
Sorry.Another blog has just announced that Satan will take control of Earth on Sept.23 /2015. According to which time zone, it did not say. But the Canadian government shows no sign of cancelling the autumn election, probably because the science on Satan is incomplete.
Seriously, folks- I have to break the news that THE RAPTURE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. All the True Christians, that is, all those who followed Jesus’ Great Commission, “teaching them to do all that I have commanded you” (by example, of course) have vanished from the Earth. As Jesus said, few were saved. So few that the rest of us never even noticed that they had vanished. For a summary collection of all of Jesus’ commands, see http://atheistnexus.org/profiles/blogs/the-ethics-of-jesus
This guy’s a doctor!?
The military has told local officials that fire extinguishers will be at each training site and that some personnel may carry weapons loaded with blank ammunition or paintball-like training cartridges. According to a PowerPoint presentation prepared by the military for Texas officials, some Jade Helm 15 participants “may conduct suspicious activities” as part of their training and others “will be wearing civilian attire and driving civilian vehicles.”
What are the odds a soldier pulls a paintball gun as part of the exercise and gets gunned down by well-meaning “patriots”?
A ringing endorsement.
Clearly fudged up the second blockquote, but I’m sure people can figure it out.
Is Bill Ford saying he’s urging residents of Tom Green county to murder members of the United States Armed Forces?
Given that even if the earth’s mass was consumed by a black hole created in the LHC (it can’t) gravitationally nothing would change so we would still have roughly the same chance of something else hitting us. Of course there wouldn’t be an us left to ponder the question.
PZ, you’re supposed to tell us how to survive the apocalypse AND lose 50 pounds using one weird trick discovered by your grandmother’s mail carrier! How else will we know which testosterone-boosting superfood to buy from GNC?