Not that I would dare say anything against anything with tentacles here, but anything else that comes down the chimney is inherently bad, bad, BAD!
I’ve had two squirrels and a couple of birds down mine, and one of the squirrels took several bites out of my favourite cactus, killing it, and then promptly died itself!
Then we had the mesh thingy on the chimney replaced.
My slow combustion wood heater doesn’t have a handle on the inside. If that evil creature can get outta that without frying its tentacles I’m gonna sic the cat onto it. Anyway that stuff in the sack looks unhealthy!
Round here Santa drives a parcel delivery van and comes to the door any day of the week. There’s nothing better than getting the presents you chose yourself.
Happy somethings to you all.
I know it’s Cthulhu, but my first thought was that I didn’t know Christmas was such a big holiday for the Ood.
But, actually, if Santa Claus is an Ood, that would explain how they get to houses all over the world in a single night — there are lots and lots of them, but they share a hive mind, so it’s like one being that can be everywhere at once!
Some people, though, follow a different tradition. Why? Tentacles!
A Shoggoth on the roof. Sounds crazy – no, certifiably insane!
But here in our little village of Arkham, Massachutes, you might say every one of us has a Shoggoth on the roof.
And I’m not speaking of metaphorically!
It’s not easy having a malevolent shapeless monster like that, hanging over your head, but there it is!
Arkham is the home of many strange things.
A big monster like that on such a pointy roof.
You may ask: How does it stay up there, if it’s so difficult?
That, I can tell you in one word: Tentacles!
magistramarlasays
Io Saturnalia and Happy Holidays to the horde!
Alexsays
@ekwhite,
Oh, then lets hope that he doesn’t over-f’thagn christmas morn!
esmith4102says
Ha, Ha! Us’ns are safe ’cause we ain’t got no chimney!
blfsays
The prior-to-tonight non-existence of a chimney ensures neither safety nor the continued absence of a chimney tomorrow.
“Poking Tentacles”(to the tune of “Good King Wenceslas”)
Poking tentacles stick out, Insanity Claus – heathen,
Inking black it oozed over, the snow came the secretion.
Brightly shone the moon that night, a sight that was so cruel,
When a poor man saw the sight, began gibbering like a fool.
Hither and thither he ran about, ‘fore the beast was killing,
To save himself, a suicide, while his sanity was willing.
Hear three cultists calling out, from madness of the mountain:
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
“Bring him flesh, and bring him bone, bring him sacrifice;
When on our souls he doth dine, we’ll enter paradise.”
(Bible and Necronomicon, are alike when put together,
And both sound like filth that came from one’s nethers.)
“In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming,”
Fiction that Lovecraft wrote, of strange ideas ’twas teeming.
Christian fables, just as false, are equally distressing,
That fools today believe such bunk, it really is depressing.
Akira MacKenziesays
Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here.
They will reclaim all in their name;
Hopes turn to black when they come back.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it’s theirs again
Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom
Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice
Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they’re all around
So, is Cthulu going to cease being funny for anyone else any time this decade?
busterggisays
looks like I’ll be leaving out a plate of fish sticks & a glass of tequila (gotta make sure it has the worm in it).
chigau (違う)says
Rey Fox #20
Seems unlikely, don’t it?
Iain Walkersays
I’m surprised nobody’s linked to Charlie Stross’s story “Overtime” yet …
“There are things out there in the void, hungry things hidden in the gaps between universes, that come when they’re called. Tonight, hundreds of millions of innocent children are calling Santa.”
MY milk and cookies are going to be eaten first this Cthristmas.
robinjohnsonsays
Rey Fox, I can’t believe you’re joining in the PC War on Cthulhumas.
shawnthesheepsays
Cephalo Claus? No thanks. As a kid, I was scared enough by the thought that, as I slept, my house would be invaded by a vengeful stranger who enjoyed punishing kids for petty infractions.
I’m surprised nobody’s linked to Charlie Stross’s story “Overtime” yet …
I was just scrolling down to do that very thing!
:D
“’Twas the night before Christmas, the office was closed,
The transom was shut, the staff home in repose;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But St. Nicholas won’t be coming because this is a Designated National Security Site within the meaning of Para 4.12 of Section 3 of the Official Secrets Act (Amended) and unauthorised intrusion on such a site is an arrestable offense …”
–
Not that I would dare say anything against anything with tentacles here, but anything else that comes down the chimney is inherently bad, bad, BAD!
I’ve had two squirrels and a couple of birds down mine, and one of the squirrels took several bites out of my favourite cactus, killing it, and then promptly died itself!
Then we had the mesh thingy on the chimney replaced.
For the horrifying details see:
http://howlandbolton.com/essays/read_more.php?sid=378
http://howlandbolton.com/essays/read_more.php?sid=406
Hanukkah Harry?
Oooh, Santa F’Thagn!
My slow combustion wood heater doesn’t have a handle on the inside. If that evil creature can get outta that without frying its tentacles I’m gonna sic the cat onto it. Anyway that stuff in the sack looks unhealthy!
Round here Santa drives a parcel delivery van and comes to the door any day of the week. There’s nothing better than getting the presents you chose yourself.
Happy somethings to you all.
Welcome, Cephalopod overlords!!
And any other old gods who wants to return
I know it’s Cthulhu, but my first thought was that I didn’t know Christmas was such a big holiday for the Ood.
But, actually, if Santa Claus is an Ood, that would explain how they get to houses all over the world in a single night — there are lots and lots of them, but they share a hive mind, so it’s like one being that can be everywhere at once!
https://proxy.freethought.online/cuttlefish/2007/12/15/it-was-cephalopodmas/
You had a different version of that pic 5 years ago, PZ…
Well, that does explain how it fits through orifices too small for a human to pass through.
He cares not if you have been bad or good. He makes no list. He is the flipside of the coin of which naughty and nice are but one side.
Death to the world! Cthulhu’s come:
Let Earth abhor this thing.
Let every mind prepare for doom,
As anguish and woe he’ll bring.
Up from the sea, R’lyeh did rise:
The cultists awestruck dumb.
With ancient rites so wretched and perverse,
Cthulhu’s time has come.
Some people, though, follow a different tradition. Why? Tentacles!
A Shoggoth on the roof. Sounds crazy – no, certifiably insane!
But here in our little village of Arkham, Massachutes, you might say every one of us has a Shoggoth on the roof.
And I’m not speaking of metaphorically!
It’s not easy having a malevolent shapeless monster like that, hanging over your head, but there it is!
Arkham is the home of many strange things.
A big monster like that on such a pointy roof.
You may ask: How does it stay up there, if it’s so difficult?
That, I can tell you in one word: Tentacles!
Io Saturnalia and Happy Holidays to the horde!
@ekwhite,
Oh, then lets hope that he doesn’t over-f’thagn christmas morn!
Ha, Ha! Us’ns are safe ’cause we ain’t got no chimney!
The prior-to-tonight non-existence of a chimney ensures neither safety nor the continued absence of a chimney tomorrow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Fishmen…
“Poking Tentacles” (to the tune of “Good King Wenceslas”)
Poking tentacles stick out, Insanity Claus – heathen,
Inking black it oozed over, the snow came the secretion.
Brightly shone the moon that night, a sight that was so cruel,
When a poor man saw the sight, began gibbering like a fool.
Hither and thither he ran about, ‘fore the beast was killing,
To save himself, a suicide, while his sanity was willing.
Hear three cultists calling out, from madness of the mountain:
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
“Bring him flesh, and bring him bone, bring him sacrifice;
When on our souls he doth dine, we’ll enter paradise.”
(Bible and Necronomicon, are alike when put together,
And both sound like filth that came from one’s nethers.)
“In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming,”
Fiction that Lovecraft wrote, of strange ideas ’twas teeming.
Christian fables, just as false, are equally distressing,
That fools today believe such bunk, it really is depressing.
Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here.
They will reclaim all in their name;
Hopes turn to black when they come back.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it’s theirs again
Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom
Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice
Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they’re all around
It’s not a christmas song parody, but if we’re doing Cthulhean hymnal, here’s one I prepared earlier: http://rdouglasjohnson.blogspot.co.uk/2007/04/gnulu-fhtagn.html
So, is Cthulu going to cease being funny for anyone else any time this decade?
looks like I’ll be leaving out a plate of fish sticks & a glass of tequila (gotta make sure it has the worm in it).
Rey Fox #20
Seems unlikely, don’t it?
I’m surprised nobody’s linked to Charlie Stross’s story “Overtime” yet …
“There are things out there in the void, hungry things hidden in the gaps between universes, that come when they’re called. Tonight, hundreds of millions of innocent children are calling Santa.”
http://www.tor.com/stories/2009/12/overtime
MY milk and cookies are going to be eaten first this Cthristmas.
Rey Fox, I can’t believe you’re joining in the PC War on Cthulhumas.
Cephalo Claus? No thanks. As a kid, I was scared enough by the thought that, as I slept, my house would be invaded by a vengeful stranger who enjoyed punishing kids for petty infractions.
@Iain Walker #23 – Brilliant story, thanks for the link.
Ariaflame, BSc, BF, PhD @16
Here’s the link.
Who’s coming down the chimney? We know it’s not this guy:
Santa Claus Found Dead After Holiday Party
Another casualty of the war on Christmas.
Ah, the King in Red.
Squeempunk Christmas.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/o6xt4i8f9bl17ki/awfulchristmas.pdf
see especially page 22
via http://crookedtimber.org/2013/12/24/have-an-uncanny-christmas/
I was just scrolling down to do that very thing!
:D
“’Twas the night before Christmas, the office was closed,
The transom was shut, the staff home in repose;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But St. Nicholas won’t be coming because this is a Designated National Security Site within the meaning of Para 4.12 of Section 3 of the Official Secrets Act (Amended) and unauthorised intrusion on such a site is an arrestable offense …”
–
The Lurker in Fireplaces. Indeed!
–