Quacks, every one, and monsters promoting destruction of the unique and precious. Look what they’ve done in the name of giving impotent, tiny-dicked ignoramuses a magic potion:

Poachers have butchered the last adult rhinoceros at a South African game reserve, cutting off her horn and letting her bleed to death, the chief game ranger says.

Rhino horns are just large lumps of keratin, nothing more. They do nothing to make men attractive, they don’t enhance an erection, they don’t increase desire. You might as well make a pill from ground-up fingernail clippings, it is the same thing.

But there is one thing that does enhance virility…

No, I shouldn’t say it. It’s a closely guarded secret.

It’s too dangerously effective. It’s a formula that will make your penis grow 4 inches in a day, make you multi-orgasmic, and generate steely erections that stay up for 3 hours and 59 minutes (if you have an erection that lasts 4 hours or more, see your doctor).

But then, since they’ve just about exterminated rhinos, I guess it’s only fair that I mention the alternative.

The magic ingredient is…

The one indispensable component of this formula is…

The ground-up genitals of TCM pharmacists. Shocking, I know, but it’s a fact. TCM pharmacists never have sexual problems because they are constantly doping themselves up with their panaceas, and their tissues are saturated with the most effective reagents in their pharmacopias.

The best way to collect them and maintain their active properties, of course, is to hover over a TCM pharmacy in a helicopter, and wait for the proprietor to step out; then hit him or her with a tranqulizer dart, rappel down, and then swiftly chop out the magic organ with a chainsaw. After you’ve flown away, throw the bloody bits in a blender with a dozen raw oysters and some tequila, and swallow the liquified results straight down.

If the TCM pharmacists are over-harvested, the second best source of good virility enhancing tissue is the crotches of the people who have been gobbling down TCM remedies, including, of course, the one I just gave you (I have never taken any TCM potions in my entire life, I quickly assure you).

Of course, I do not personally endorse this protocol. But you know, boys will be boys, and spoiled rich Asian tycoons will be spoiled rich Asian tycoons.