You’re all good, upstanding, moral atheists who like children (and not just on the barbecue!), so you’d all be happy to donate to Barnardo’s, a children’s charity even without any incentive. Incentives are nice, though, so we’re going to give you one: it’s a competition.

You see, Big Dave (bearded) and Simon (hideously naked-faced) are asking people to donate to Barnardo’s, and for a £2 minimum donation, you also get to weigh in on the Great Beard Question: do they suck, or are they a majestic addition to manly beauty?

They are collecting the beard/no beard votes, and on 5 July they’ll be tallied up. If their total goal of £1500 in donations is reached, and if it is mainly esthetically-compromised philistines who vote no on beards, then Big Dave will shave his beard off — a great loss and tragedy, but a sacrifice willingly made to benefit the children. If the goal is reached and a majority of wise and appreciative fans of the noble beard vote, then the frighteningly bare cheeks and chin of Simon will be graced with a new growth of dignity.

I know you’ll all do the right thing and get over there and vote for beards and donate. But you know, just to be sure, I have generously offered to also put my beard on the line. This is a huge sacrifice, but I figured it would help sway the pro-beard vote, since no one could possibly vote to chop off my lovely facial hair. Right? Right? Please tell me I’m right.

If I’m wrong, and the voting is dominated by boorish, effete barbarians with no taste, then I will have to face public humiliation and will take a razor to my pride. With photos. Posted here. I will look ridiculous, because in addition to the intrinsic grandeur of the beard, a beard is also a good way to hide a funny-looking face.

So go forth and save the beard. I’m counting on you.