Comments

  6. Celtic_Evolution says

    I gave my theory for this phenomena in another thread…

    I suppose it could be a holdover from “crackergate”, when all us baby-eating hethens were providing yah-wafers to PZ for desecration, then obviously greasing up for teh buttsecks.

  8. Richard Eis says

    I’m thinking thats expensive lube… and that i’m glad i don’t take communion.

    Unless there are some really good parties i’m missing.

  12. Truckle says

    It looks like its saying the communion wafers are 8 inch in diameter! Yikes, I reckon people would need help swallowing 8 inches.

    And the sheltered nature of the upbringing of a lot of Chistians, perhaps they don’t know what Astroglide is for? Think it might help Jebus go down a bit better.

    Could be honest mistakes…

    (I love innuendo bingo)

  13. MetzO'Magic says

    At first I thought this must be a hoax page, but I suppose Celtic_Evolution’s take on it makes sense. Fun-loving atheists buying communion wafers for wanton desecration purposes could also have purchased the FSM Bible… though I’m betting it was mostly the paedophile priests who went for the lube :-)

  15. Knockgoats says

    Don’t you know? It’s the most secret of Catholic rites: what the priests do with the left over bits of Jesus!

  20. Michelle R says

    I think I get it.

    If you get a LOT of crackers together, and add some lube, maybe it all sticks together and you can craft yourself a full size jesus?

  21. Larry says

    I looked at that picture on the left and thought, how nice, the church is now serving coffee and crackers at an after-service social.

  22. aduzik.myopenid.com says

    I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I’ve bought Jesus crackers on Amazon.com before. I served them with salsa at a party last year. My guess would be that churches don’t order their Jesus crackers on Amazon.

  23. Cuttlefish, OM says

    I hold it as a point of pride
    To walk with Jesus by my side
    With him alone I will abide
    It was for me that Jesus died.

    I walk with Jesus, every stride;
    To him alone will I confide
    The things I seek, He will provide
    No need of mine will be denied.

    My heart, of course, I open wide
    And let my Jesus come inside;
    And Jesus wept. And me, I cried:
    That’s why we bought the Astroglide.

  25. Kevin says

    Cuttlefish… that was just terrible, but good god that was funny. You must really stop making me laugh while I’m at work.

    I know I’ve said it a million times, but Cuttlefish for president.

  26. daveau says

    Cuttlefish-

    Fortunately, as an IT manager, I have access to new keyboards and monitors any time I need them. Such as now.

  27. Moveable Type says

    PZ it’s perfectly simple.

    Q. Who buys communion wafers?

    A. Priests

    Q. Who uses personal lubricant?

    A. Priests

    Q. On whom do they use it?

    A. Nah! Couldn’t be that simple, could it?

  29. Romeo Vitelli says

    “I get a brainlock when I try to put these things together, I’m afraid.”

    Don’t be afraid. Join us.

  30. Lynna, OM says

    LOL. Cuttlefish, you rock my small world. I bet the neighbors heard my belly laugh. When you publish that poem, you should include the screen grab of the communion wafers and Astroglide.

    My only regret is that Astroglide doesn’t come in the gallon jug size as a special offer to accompany purchases of communion wafers.

  31. jody says

    Can you get those crackers in the shape of body parts? Jesus’s head? Jesus’s foot? Jesus’s penis? I would think that’d make communion a bit more exciting: “I got Jesus’s appendix mom!”

  32. Somnolent Aphid says

    It doesn’t take much imagination to be an atheist. That’s one of the benefits. ooops, almost typed benefists, which sounds both Latin and dirty. Maybe it does take imagination.

  35. InfuriatedSciTeacher says

    Swami sez: PZ has a nasty letter from bill Donoghue arriving in the near future.

  38. Feynmaniac says

    “And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me. But use some lube, I’m a little dry.” – 1 Corinthians 11:24

  40. Kausik Datta says

    Is it just me, or is Cuttlefish just scintillating and emanating brilliance in the past several days?

  47. DLC says

    Well.
    Ther was the story about the fellow who was in the hospital overnight, and after breakfast his nurse came in to check his blood pressure.
    She asked how breakfast was, to which the man replied : “Well, the eggs were a bit rubbery. The toast was okay, but I’ll tell ya, that Kentucky Jelly is gonna take some gettin used to ”

  48. Stasis says

    He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
    Rev 22:20

  49. Kristine says

    Ha ha ha! I gotta get me some communion wafers and lubricant for the hot tub! (TMI?)

    PZ, you’re not more frightened by the “buy it used” section?

    This review killed me: “It is almost blasphemous how disgusting these things taste.” Obviously, they were made for other purposes.

  52. Chuk says

    Actually, Astroglide works really well for lubricating the mechanism of the automatic communion wafer dispensers when they get jammed. Makes perfect sense.

  54. alysonmiers says

    To be fair, some Protestant churches also use communion wafers, and it doesn’t have to be the priest who goes cracker-shopping for the church.

    (Still, the juxtaposition is hilarious. I like the idea of naughty atheists going online to buy supplies for cracker-defilement.)

  55. David Marjanović says

    Is it just me, or is Cuttlefish just scintillating and emanating brilliance in the past several days weeks?

    Fixed it for you.

    that Kentucky Jelly is gonna take some gettin used to

    Explain, please.

  56. Creature of the Universe says

    I wonder if the Astroglide is blessed by the priest before use, transforming it into HolyGlide?

  58. David Marjanović says

    <trusting eyes mode=”not”>

    Did I seriously just write “weeks”?

    I wanted to write “years“.

    I’ll go home and to bed right now, at a quarter to 6 in the evening. Looks like I have a lot of sleep to… vocabulary fail… catch up with.

  59. SEF says

    ⊕ The UK version of Amazon (.co.uk) doesn’t show the same associated frequently bought products alongside those crackers (ie the same product code works). Perhaps the lube connection is an American phenomenon. Has anyone else got a local listing to check?

  64. daveau says

    David Marjanović@55

    that Kentucky Jelly is gonna take some gettin used to

    Explain, please.

    The state abbreviation for Kentucky is KY. I don’t understand why everyone in the world does not immerse themselves in the trivia of the US, and memorize all of our state abbreviations, since we are the most important country in the world, and clearly the best.

    What?

  67. Becky says

    I can’t wait to see what people buy along side the series of religious themed sex dolls I want to market:

    1. The “real men love Jesus every Day Evey Way” doll, NOW with a free container of Astroglide!
    2. The Virgin Mary with resealable himen, Pop her cherry every time! Also with a free container of Astroglide!
    3. The “Go blow me on the mountain” Moses
    4. There is only one god allah & mohammed is his suck puppet.

  69. The Tim Channel says

    To be fair, some Protestant churches also use communion wafers, and it doesn’t have to be the priest who goes cracker-shopping for the church.

    That was the argument made to Andrew Sullivan (where I first saw the story posted). As a general rule, your best sexual lubricant blogposts usually come from gay blogs.

    Enjoy.

  71. Pastor Farm says

    I’d like to share my own thoughts regarding this matter. This is not just any lubricant, this is Astroglide. Now, I’m not sure that it actually functions better than generic Kroger-brand lubricant (which serves my humble needs), but it certainly shows that the purchaser went that extra mile.

    Consider that for a moment. That’s not just a one night stand or a short fling. That’s love. True love.

    We should not judge these consumers by their purchasing habits, but rather by their taste. Could this be a cold man who’s only desire is to use another person’s body for some selfish gain? Possibly.

    However, I like to think of it as the beginning of a lasting, loving relationship between two connoiseurs of sodomy and dry bread. Let us rejoice in their happiness and hope that Jesus’ love provides them a lifetime of cushion for the pushin’.

  72. The Tim Channel says

    Oh yeah, I wanted to share this signature line I ran across over at Slashdot.

    Rampant carbon sequestration destroyed the Dinosaurs’ tropical paradise. I’m here to help repair the damage.

    Enjoy.

  74. Knockgoats says

    Becky@67
    *guffaw*

    However, surely the Hindu market is the obvious one here? AFAIK, the only current widely-practised religion that covers many of its temples in weirdly deviant porn – and one has to ask whether those deities with multiple limbs show similar multiplicity in the genital department. Not to mention the erotic possibilities of Hanuman’s tail and Ganesh’s trunk!

    Meanwhile, for the hardcore male masochist, how about a Jael wife of Heber doll? Hammers a tent-peg into your temple when you’ve dropped off into a post-orgasmic doze!

  75. nejishiki says

    Reminds me of the song ‘Christian Woman’ by
    Type O Negative:

    “A cross upon her bedroom wall
    From grace she will fall
    An image burning in her mind
    And between her thighs.

    A dying God-man full of pain
    When will you cum again ?
    Before him beg to serve or please
    On your back or knees.”

  77. Steven Mading says

    I have frequently heard the phrase “enter the body of Christ”. This is not really what I had in mind.

  79. Scott B says

    Great, now “Keep It Greasy” will be going through my head all day….

    Me too… at least until tonight when I’ll see it at the (son of) Zappa show

  81. tsg says

    Two different jokes…

    How do you get a nun pregnant?

    Fuck her.
    —
    How do you get a priest to fuck a nun?

    Dress her up as an alter boy!

  83. Frank Lovell says

    ————————————————
    Cuttlefish really takes the cake,
    NOBODY better rhymes can make;
    priests who enjoy good tube steak,
    buy Astroglide — that’s NO mistake!
    ———————— Burma Shave —–

  84. Rev. BigDumbChimp says

    Me too… at least until tonight when I’ll see it at the (son of) Zappa show

    Saw that a few months ago. It’s fantastic.

  86. pierocket says

    I can’t belive there doing thiis! Wow, I’m way less likly to by something off amazon now.

  87. Kausik Datta says

    Did I seriously just write “weeks”?
    I wanted to write “years”.

    Of course, David. Thanks. I stand ‘fixed’. :)
    Cuttlefish is awesome beyond awesome. Hence my FATWAH on him. But it seemed to me that he (she?) has been shining with even more effulgence than usual (if that were at all possible) in the posts of the past few days.

  88. lordshipmayhem says

    Another silly poll to pharyngulate.

    From the Richard Dawkins website, we have this article about “Professor seeks out the truth about ‘quackery'”

    The poll asks, “Do you believe in homeopathy?” It’s currently at 47% yes, only 53% no.

    I think we can improve that.

  89. lose_the_woo says

    I can’t belive there doing thiis! Wow, I’m way less likly to by something off amazon now.

    The implication you assert demonstrates your misunderstanding of how Amazon’s engine functions. The comment itself demonstrates your complete lack of basic keyboarding, grammar, and spelling skills.

  90. BAllanJ says

    Unfortunately, the explanation that comes to my mind is that many parish offices are using their more computer savvy altar boys to do the on-line orders, and they’re padding the order a bit to make their lives more comfortable.

  91. mythusmage says

    When you recall that the most heartfelt prayers involve getting to first base with your date, the juxtaposition makes sense.

  92. timrowledge says

    The poll asks, “Do you believe in homeopathy?” It’s currently at 47% yes, only 53% no.
    I think we can improve that.

    But surely if we can make it 99.9999999% no they still win since the less support there is in a particular poll the stronger their support is?

  94. Peter G. says

    You’ve obviously never tried to choke down a communion wafer. Granted, Astroglide as a lubricant seems a tad excessive.

  95. Cuttlefish, OM says

    @ Kausik Datta–

    Actually, if you are right, it is probably a bad sign. My verse production usually goes up when I am under stress and have things I really have to be doing instead of writing verse. I generally don’t notice until too late, so I thank you for drawing it to my attention. I’d probably best slow down a bit for a while, while classes start up again.

  99. https://me.yahoo.com/a/W4fr1sQqxJzcMt5Y_7wVVRJ9rW5CLfwIvqCK2BA-#96210 says

    What’s the story behind the “used” communion wafers Amazon has available?

  100. David Marjanović says

    See here.

    Okaaaay… and what is that stuff doing in a hospital? That’s what I don’t get, not the ambiguity of “jelly”.

    The state abbreviation for Kentucky is KY.

    Having spent the last two US election half-years in http://www.electoralvote.com, I know all two-letter state abbreviations. But where the literal fuck was I supposed to know any lubricants from? :-D :-D :-D

    Oh yeah, I wanted to share this signature line I ran across over at Slashdot.

    Rampant carbon sequestration destroyed the Dinosaurs’ tropical paradise. I’m here to help repair the damage.

    Enjoy.

    No, I can’t enjoy that.

    I can, however, reply to it:

    1) Be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.
    2) Except for the modern birds, the dinosaurs were long gone when that happened, and it took about 40 million years…

  103. daveau says

    David Marjanović@100

    I don’t understand why everyone in the world does not immerse themselves in the trivia of the US, and memorize all of our state abbreviations lubricants, since we are the most important country in the world, and clearly the best.

    What?

  104. tsg says

    Okaaaay… and what is that stuff doing in a hospital? That’s what I don’t get, not the ambiguity of “jelly”.

    They use it for lubricating instruments that get inserted into orifices. It’s water based, as opposed to petroleum jelly which can degrade materials such as latex and is easier to clean up.

    Don’t ask me how I know, because I will tell you. I swear.

  105. cypress says

    I eat my wafers with honey.
    I know that makes you sick.
    It does make them taste funny
    But it keps them on my dick.

  106. lose_the_woo says

    tsg:

    Don’t ask me how I know, because I will tell you. I swear.

    I, for one, cannot leave a baiting like that unattended to.

    Please explain.

  108. Brownian, OM says

    They use it for lubricating instruments that get inserted into orifices.

    I thought there had to be a better way of getting this clarinet in there.

  109. Cuttlefish, OM says

    I thought there had to be a better way of getting this clarinet in there.

    Counterintuitively, it’s easier with an organ.

  110. Flea says

    What they tell you:

    * Water based and water soluble lubricant enhances the comfort and ease of intimate activity
    * Long-lasting, extra slick, petroleum free formula
    * Designed to mimic natural body fluids; moisture helps vaginal dryness
    * Condom and latex safe

    What they don’t tell you:

    Astroglide data breach exposes customer information

    http://www.homelandstupidity.us/2007/04/21/astroglide-data-breach-exposes-customer-information/

    Astroglide suffered a data breach this week. People who ordered the company’s products from their Web site from 2003 to the present may have had their names and email and shipping addresses published on the Internet.

    The vatican must be trembling…

  111. SEF says

    I haven’t checked for an Italian Amazon yet. The secular French are clear of the US cracker-lube association though.

  112. tsg says

    I, for one, cannot leave a baiting like that unattended to.

    Please explain.

    Let’s just say that my wife is an endoscopy nurse and I get all the gory details, and leave it at that.

  113. The Countess says

    WHERE are they inserting those Communion wafers??? :)

    BTW, strawberry Astroglide rocks. Speaking as a user. LOL!

  115. Mena says

    It looks like it has been edited to remove the Astroglide. Damn you, amazon.com! I just posted this to my Facebook page.

  116. redwolfoz says

    Exactly what are these people doing with the wafers? Hang on… maybe I really don’t want to know the answer to that.

  118. https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawm7Lkkdg4CIy1B8h65Id6DQsHtXrK2STZk says

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaah! Breathe! Ah! Oh, I am a horrible person.

    There was a priest who, alas
    wanted an unorthodox mass
    after the first wafer
    understanding he should be safer
    He used some lube up his …

    Yeah, low, I know… And not nearly as good as Cuttlefish’s.

  119. bastion of sass says

    Those of you wondering why Astroglide would be purchased with communion wafers clearly have never had the unfortunate experience of having a dry communions wafer that tastes like cardboard glued to the roof of your mouth for an excruciatingly long period of time.

    BTDT.

  121. lose_the_woo says

    Let’s just say that my wife is an endoscopy nurse and I get all the gory details, and leave it at that.

    Let’s indeed. Unless there were clarinets or organs.

  124. SmilingSkeptic says

    God’s trying to send you a message, and that message is: “HOST DESECRATION: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG”

    (had to type in caps to get that booming God-like voice quality, sorry)

  125. tsg says

    God’s trying to send you a message, and that message is: “HOST DESECRATION: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG”

    (had to type in caps to get that booming God-like voice quality, sorry)

    Everybody knows God speaks German when it’s heavy business.

  126. CluelessPedestrian says

    You see, buying lubricant and communion wafers is justified because you see, uh…wafers make you horny?

  128. boygenius says

    Inspired (lamely, on my part) by Cuttlefish @109:

    A youngish lad I was back then,
    and still a pollyanna.
    I thought the height of romance was
    roses on a piano.

    I met a girl who rocked my world,
    (she claimed her name was Morgan).
    I must admit I now prefer
    tulips on an organ.

    /apologies, all

  129. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Everybody knows God speaks German when it’s heavy business.

    God speaks English as any fule kno. He knows Latin (he is, after all, educated) and can get by in French and Italian if he has to, but German? God can order Wiener Schnitzel und ein Bier, bitte but his German doesn’t extend much past that.

  130. timrowledge says

    This story just made it on The News Quiz.

    I think we may need to explain more about the delights of The News Quiz for our trans-atlantic brethren. It’s a very long running panel/quiz show that makes very tart fun of the recent news. Probably the inspiration for amusing but nowhere as biting NPR show “Wait wait don’t tell me”. Politicians occasionally have to go to the ER after hearing the cutting wit.
    First, got to http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 and look down the page to see the link to the audio for The News Quiz. Then try http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq to find out more about the program and its delights. And while you’re at it, take a gander at some of the other neat comedy and drama shows on offer for free.

  133. Triggur says

    I got in a lot of trouble with Catholic groups a few years ago when I bought communion wafers from an online supplier and made a web page doing a taste test comparison of different sauces and toppings to make communion wafers more palatable.

    One of the organizations asked their members to all email me and pray I go to hell. Frankly I didn’t expect anything else. :)

    It’s at http://triggur.org/communion/

  134. El Guerrero del Interfaz says

    I don’t know why but that makes me remember of the “mariquita” joke about a “chorizo” which ends with the sentence “¿Qué te crees, que mi culo es una alcancilla”?

    À bon entendeur, salut ;-)

  135. Rorschach says

    Triggur @ 132,

    I got in a lot of trouble with Catholic groups a few years ago when I bought communion wafers from an online supplier and made a web page doing a taste test comparison of different sauces and toppings to make communion wafers more palatable.

    Now that’s the spirit !!

  136. aratina cage says

    @Hirnlego #132:

    He taught me how to raise my “god” and how to rock ‘n roll…. Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide, but Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside. He is like a Mountie, he always gets his man, and he’ll “zap” you any way he can.

    *still laughing*

  137. chuckgoecke says

    @Hirnlego #132:

    He taught me how to raise my “god” and how to rock ‘n roll…. Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide, but Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside. He is like a Mountie, he always gets his man, and he’ll “zap” you any way he can.

    The name of that band is “Sonseed” I guess the astroglide helps the “Son” get his “seed” “down inside”.

  139. https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawmVCRS6uKXY5v9-Sl3jMKxcz_Evl55aDck says

    So Frank Zappa got it wrong when he said, “There’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over”?

  140. David Marjanović says

    Everybody knows God speaks German when it’s heavy business.

    HOSTIENSCHÄNDUNG: DU MACHST DAS FALSCH

  142. monado says

    David Marjanović [55], perhaps the missing datum is that KY jelly is a brand of “non-greasy personal lubricant,” which of course tastes nothing like fruit jelly.

    One of the apartment buildings near the gay village in Toronto was known as K-Y towers.