Oooh, baby. That’s a Nu-Life Communion Host Dispenser, equipped with a rapid reload system for fast wafer loading and quad-rotator technology that allows up to 400 wafers to be fired without reloading. If you need to shovel Jesus into people’s mouths at a high rate of speed, this is the gadget for you. And you can get it in gold, silver, or white.
Or maybe you’d prefer the Communalabra Germ-Free Communion Host Dispensing System, which is only available in gold, but does have accessories: a Host Tube Quick-n-Easy Re-fill & Re-load System, and embroidered carrying cases and covers.
And look at this: they’re both made in Minnesota! I’m so proud. Unfortunately, right now the two companies are tied up in a lawsuit. When they get it cleared up, though, I’m going to have to let them know that I’m available at reasonable rates for celebrity endorsements.
They better act fast, though. I might just throw my endorsement to this automatic disc shooter. Imagine how much fun church will be if all the communion celebrants could just stay in their pews while the priest whips this colorful beauty out and starts winging wafers through the air. Combine it with a super-soaker loaded with wine, and mass becomes a party for everyone…even flyin’ Jesus!
O let the spirit of Jesus fly.
Always amazes me that germs are a worry on Jesus crackers and in Jesus blood.
If you get one of those, I’ll build a rusty nail stamper that can go on as an attachment. ;-)
They should be. Bacteria that can thrive unharmed on the flesh of the Almighty would chew through us mere mortals like a hagfish through a rotting whale carcass.
The important thing to know is whether the dispensers make little “pew pew pew” noises when the discs shoot out.
Has anyone told Johnson about Jesus and the temple moneychangers?
As tacky as they are, they aren’t actually as tacky as I expected them to be.
Okay so it has a 400 round magazine but what’s the muzzle velocity and is it capable of fully automatic operation?
Hilarious, PZ !!!
BTW… Ray Comfort just called, and said he absolutely LOVES taking the Holy Eucharist, immediately after a bite of Holy Banana:
The combination of the two food groups helps Ray reconcile his religious faith with evolutionary principles.
I was assuming these were spoof products until I clicked on the link. Communion-wafer Pez dispensers? Seriously?
I’m sure there are plans available on the internet to configure them for full auto.
“Open wide for Jesus!”
I’m now imagining an incredible scene for Boondock Saints III.
You’d think an incantation that turns a cracker into the actual embodiment of Jeebus, should also have some sanitizing properties. But, I guess that ‘magic’ would be easily testable… can’t have that.
Carlie, I almost inhaled my gum! :)
The ads are just too damn funny!
What?! Swallowing the all powerful all knowing lord of the universe doesn’t work as an antibiotic? Lame!
These folks need to pray harder or something.
Mmmmmmm……….. Jesus Pez Dispensers. Gives a new meaning to the word Dispensation, doesn’t it?
When you buy one do you get a discount on a supersoaker?
Where’s the Jesus Pez dispenser?
My first thought was this! “Wafer Shooter!”
what’s the ratio of dispensing to gagging?
400 wafers a minute?
Doesn’t that make it an assault weapon?
A weapon of ‘Mass’ destruction?
Supersoakers are for the wine, silly!
This reminds me of school mass a couple of weeks ago in school. I managed to sneak a few jesus crackers out with me. I used 1 of them in my nachos at lunch to piss those kids off. I then crucified one on a cross made of pencils and taped it to my locker. I also chewed one up and spit it out in front of a whole class of students. My outright disgust with religion in my religious school has captured the attention of some of the smarter students. I have managed to deconvert enough people that I should be able to have at least 15 jesus crackers by next months mass. I need to buy one of those things so that I can add some range to my blasphemy.
Way to go, Momo.
I just hope it doesn’t screw up your academic career though.
Cracker Wars, Machine-Gun Edition.
Back in my day, the priest would just have a big old bowl of wafers baked by the crazy lady up the street, and he’d pop them into your mouth when you went up for communion. It’s hard to believe these are real products that are actually used… but then here we are.
I particularly liked the ‘comparison chart’ comparing the two companies products side by side :)
http://www.agnusdeichurchsupplies.com/communion_dispenser_comparison_chart.php
Hope that link works.
Retail price on the purity one is $456….. i have way to much free time today!
Wow. These things are MegaWooGeek.
I couldn’t help noticing the they have trigger guards for the triggers and couldn’t help wondering why. Why a trigger designed to be tripped by a finger? How come it isn’t an invisible trigger designed to be tripped by the power of the wassname channeled through the priest? You know, like it used to be.
Trigger guards, indeed. Get in the frakin’ sack ‘n shut up.
@29
Geez…..they clearly want you to buy the Communalabra one! I mean, the other one doesn’t even preserve the Holiness of the Sacrament.
Anyone else notice the “Become a Dealer” tab?
They should make them coin-operated. That way they can take care of the tithing and wafer dispensing in one fell swoop.
And since I am suddenly able to comment,
I wish a very happy and well met new year to all Pharygulites, Lurkers, Apologist and Trolls. And to all who fall under headings that aren’t randomly capitalized.
This year seemed to be filled with events that whisper to us, “Wise up.” The coming year will probably feature more of the same; it may also feature some actual wising up. For clues to that advent I’ll be looking here among other places. See you
therethen!Yes, this is one of those temporary interludes when I’ve turned off the registration requirement. Enjoy it while you can! The spammers will force me to turn it back on soon.
If there are competing Jesus dispensers, does this mean that there is an official standard size for communion wafers? Some ANSI or ISO committee has sat down and decided that every slice-o-Jesus must be x mm across, with a religious tolerance of plus or minus y mm?
Hmm, you could probably make money from frisbee wafers. Particularly from Christian dog owners.
The comparison chart on the site for the Communalabra (weird word to type) says this:
“Also available in 24KT Gold & Silver to meet the new requirements of the Catholic Church.”
Anyone got an idea what these requirements are? Have the Catholics passed some new regulation mandating gold-plated communionware? Sheesh.
OW! My eye! The doctor said I’m not supposed to get Jesus in it!
[/Lenny]
As they say during the mass service: “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.” (Not kidding. They say this.)
@ 34:
I didn’t mean to imply that there is only one apologist. That would be kind of like a single missing link and that’s just wrong. Maybe my eth key got thtuck.
I’m a bit confused; perhaps you can help. When I butcher a Jesus, exactly what part do I slice up to produce Hosts?
And you win the thread.
Ha! I love the pre-loaded cartridges from the Purity product: Jesus available in regular or pre-blooded (with the frickin wine embedded).
“Father,” squeaked the panicking altar boy. “There are just too many parishioners! We’ll never get them all communion with Father Tim out with the flu.”
“Never fear, me lad. I’ve got 20 clips in my robe, combined host and blood. We’ll commune ’em all ’till they’re good and blessed. Now, get behind me.”
“That’s not where you usually want me…”
“Ssh!”
“Ecclesiastically correct; no unleavening agent and are made with wheat flour.”
There you have it, the christian jesus is wheat flour. The christians pray to wheat floor. Ha Ha, lol, chistians are hilarious!
As long as signing in is turned off: a very Happy new year to all the Pharyngulites (both those who have hit 2010 and those who will hit it in the next few hours)
I want a multibarreled minigun version with electric drive. Should be good for around 50-100 crackers/second.
It’s about time, it says all through the bible to use a “host dispenser”.
Skeptic Jim, I think its the butt roast.
My kids had those disk shooters when they were younger. Those things are great fun. The idea of launching a communion wafer with one is a great image.
What? You must mean some kind of ecclesiastical court, right? Surely not a secular court…
1 Corinthians 6
1 If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints?
sj3364, Those disk shooters are fun, aren’t they.
I tried to design one to shoot AOL CDs somewhen in the 90’s. We had hundreds of the damn disks and couldn’t think of anything else to use ’em for, other than coasters and microwave light shows. I realized that they wouldn’t get our from under much of a stack without a hell of a launching force and they don’t fly without spin. So I microwaved them in progressively larger stacks. 50 CDs in the µwave is FUN.
I propose this as an alternate dispenser:
http://weirdebay.com/content/view/159/2/
(Jesus Pez dispenser)
I wonder if a wafer gun would be good for getting rid of vampires. Twilight, here I come! With the power of JEEEEESSSSSSUUUUSSS!
Hahahaha! good one!
Damn & blast the spammers! My sorry assed ol’ computer can’t complete the signing in process.
How a wafer grenade? Jesus shrapenal, I’m saved!
AFAIK, Twilight vampires believe in Jesus – though it might be that, ’cause wafers are Catholic magic and Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon they could do wholly sectarian damage.
Actually, I think this is a great product idea.
“Pew, pew, pew,” indeed! *snort*
The promo video for the Purity products one was great. They had a rep showing the church ladies how to load the thing and prepare it for the “alter” (that’s what their own video said).
And the patent lawsuit is great. Apparently the former president of one company left and made a rival version.
And $450!? Wow.
That’s only because the Catholics are the false prophets mentioned somewhere in the New Testament. Not even the Pope himself practices what he preaches; otherwise, he wouldn’t be going around hiding behind two inches of bulletproof glass.
The (Eastern/Greek) Orthodox Church are the only true Christians, etc. … The proof of that: in their churches, the number of germs decreases exponentially when you approach the altar, and all the holy equipment they use it 100% germ free; including the bibles and icons that everyone has to kiss after mass.
OMFSM! A few years ago, my sister gave me a gag-gift for a birthday, and it was one of those disk shooters with hosts glued to the disks!
and how about an atheist cracker with the big “A” on one side and the promise “it magically turns into ATP inside you” on the other.
All you mocking A-holes, this product is great. You don’t know where the priest’s hand has been.
The gummint can have my Jesus Gun when they prize it from my cold dead fingers!
‘rate of speed’?,PZ
do you mean acceleration?
Steve V,
Pretty sure he means frequency (wafers/minute).
But yeah.
Set phasers for ‘convert’, ensign!
Pew, pew, pew!
When I’m on my deathbed, I’m getting a Blood of Jesus I.V. set up, so I can mainline it while watching TV.
Heaven can just wait.
Accessories, we want accessories. Some suggestions:
1. A holster made of rich Corinthian leather, with a thigh strap so you can tie it low, just like a real gunslinger.
2. An authentic hand-woven Mexican poncho with an image of the Virgin Mary.
3. A rhinestone studded pointy pope hat with an authentic snake skin band.
4. Cross-shaped spurs.
5. Spaghetti western audio soundtrack for communion services.
Fred the Hun @ 16:
Yes, because it’s well proven that the best way to catch the attention of a priest or fundamentalist pastor is to word your communion dispenser ads using the same phrasing as male-enhancement product spam alerts.
Don’t forget the perfect hair, Legion. All rich preachers got perfect hair. Lucas McCain hair.
Can you get armor-piercing hosts for it?
“High rate of speed” – I’ve heard that so much in the US, and, always the pedant, it always drives me batty.
John Morales, I’m pretty sure Steve knows what PZ meant – and it isn’t what PZ said. Not wishing to sound too critical, Steve was rather gently pointing out that “rate of speed” really means acceleration, not frequency or high speed.
For what it’s worth, I think that when teachers misuse the word “rate” like that (thinking of elementary and middle-school teachers, rather than PZ), it makes it really hard for kids to grasp basic physics.
echidna,
1. That’s why I said “But yeah.”. :)
2. Nope. “rate of speed” is functionally equivalent to “speed”; rate here indicates a degree, not a change. It’s a redundancy, not a quantifier (“high” is the quantifier).
Acceleration would be “change of speed”.
Now I kind of want to see PZ and Hemant face off in a host-blaster battle for poll superiority.
*Pew pew pew*
Fred the Hun @ 16:
[snort]
Top 3 Communion dispenser email subject lines:
3. Prove your manliness! Use the Communalabra Germ-Free Communion Host Dispensing System, and be a man!
2. Try the Nu-Life Communion Host Dispenser and shock all your friends with your new tool.
1. Enormous monster wafer disenser is every congregant’s dream!
I wonder when they will make it coin opperated.
Pretty soon. Things are tough all over. Concessions are sometimes warranted when it becomes necessary to simplify the word of the lord in these trying times. So that all may partake, you know (and give).
@#75: I’m sure the Scientologists already have something they could adapt here.
Pew Pew Pew, Boondock Saints, Don’t Know where the Priest’s hand has been, a holster made of rich Corinthian leather, somebody already GOT a powered communion wafer dispenser, (recalling “Oh yas, ‘e already ‘as one, it’s varry nice”). AND a pedantic argument about a hasty few words. Best comment thread ever.
#23
I was thinking along those lines.
Skeptic Tim, #41
Since communion wafers are usually round…
(If they’re divided into three roughly equal seqments, with a tube running through one…)
What a wonderful laugh to have on New Year’s Eve. Thanks everyone.
Un aparato de la ostia!
Sorry, just couldn’t resist.
NixNoctua: cf. Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.
I’m amazed no one’s asked if they have them in pink.
Notagod:
There’s a “He is risen!” joke in there somewhere.
PZ your fascination with Catholics can only mean one of two things. Either you will die a drunk or a converted Catholic.
But do they make as much slime?
bkniaz @ 29:
I looked at the comparison chart you provided, and reflected on it for a while. But I am still searching the depths of my soul, wondering:
Which would Jesus choose?
Steve @ #37: Yes, sometime in the last few years. I don’t know specifics, but the Catholic Church decreed that all instruments used in the mass have to be made of precious medals or adorned with precious stones, or some such bullshit. Only the Catholic Church could propose such a thing when 90% of its followers are starving to death in third-world countries.
What is it about shiny stuff getting confused for really righteous stuff anyway? Hey, anyway?
Jewels? Precious metals? You eat metal? How many jewels to stay warm in winter? Say, how about rubbing two coins together and getting a fire going?
Well, there you go. Mind if I try some flint and steel?
Precious medals? :)
PS Tuxedo, Altar Vessels.
ObJuvenility:
Damn. Didn’t know ergonomics was that old.
Come to think of it, ergonomics is required to improve tools.
The original power tools were all hand tools. Even today’s sophisticated tools are usually deployed by hand.
Yeah, but how well do either of those Jesus’ Body Shooters match up against the infamous PZ Myers Cyberpistol?
Pink Jesus dispensers* – for the lady priests… Oh, wait.
*frequency 200 Jesus slices per minute
#78
arghella
‘AND a pedantic argument about a hasty few words.’
Yeah, sorry about that – it was near midnight, new years eve, I was the designated driver and eveyone else was rat assed.
But now the sun is shining in a clear blue sky, I don’t have the bottom of a parrots cage in my mouth and I’m off for awalk on the beach at Marazion.
Shit. Pedantry – self pity – self rightous.
Must do better.
You’ll shoot your eye out!
I really hope these entrepeneurs have cynically set out to rip off the catlickers.
There is so much win on this blog post. Internets for everyone…pew pew pew.
WWJD? He’d fly really fast out of a gold plated pez dispenser. Ain’t it just magical and mysterious.
Jesus is clearly wants to be Superman, with the faster than a speeding bullet claim.
It’s the Jesus-Bong.
Oh, sure. The silver ones shoot at 250 slices/minute. Sexist fuckers.
Haven’t been a Catholic for a long time,
but yes gold or silver is mandated.
Well, we always wondered where all that tithing money went to… surprisingly (snicker) it wasn’t the poor.
That company really should adapt some of the great wood chipper technology they have next door in North Dakota.
You could put a coin-operated one next to the condom dispensers int the men’s toilet. Pay for a condom, and assuage your guilt by buying a consecrated host. Can I patent that? I feel a money-making opportunity….
When you aim your automatic dispenser, do you get Jesus on the cross-hairs?
Did anyone else notice the selling points in the first dispenser’s blurb about how it reduces time and personnel costs? The costs involved in communion distribution are a concern now? I was reminded about George Carlin’s bit about how God always needs money!!! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. I would add, and it now shows in the need to cut costs on communion dispensation.
I was looking at the product site, and in the comparison chart this is listed :”Also available in 24KT Gold & Silver to meet the new requirements of the Catholic Church.”
The Catholic church requires dispensers to be 24 carat? What?
grt st n gld nd slvr!
I’ll go for the golden calf model that dispenses wafers from the posterior end of the alimentary tract.
The “germ-free” claims are dubious though – who knows what sicko loaded the thing or handled it and what sickos came up and sneezed and coughed on it. Do people really have such an ancient view of the means of disease transmission that they’d believe those germ-free claims?
Sure to be kept next to the bill counter.
#44, notagod:
Hilarious isn’t exactly the word I’d use (raised Irish Catholic in Chicago). I really should have held on to the clipping for this story; it happened years ago and I haven’t been able to track it down online. It was about a Catholic family whose daughter was just coming of age for her First Communion. She was really looking forward to the ceremony (for RCs it’s like the first ‘I’m a Big Girl’ moment), but unfortunately she had celiac disease. Her innards reacted badly to the proteins in wheat flour. So her parents had to become Diet Police, watching over everything she ate every day. Knowing that the communion wafers are made from wheat, they thought they’d explain the situation to their pastor and would offer to make up a batch of wafers using rice flour so their daughter could receive the sacrament safely.
Imagine their surprise when the priest said Absolutely not! The wafers had to be unleavened wheat flour, no substitutions allowed. They asked why and got — well, a load of flummery to the effect that the Last Supper gospel story said Josh used wheat flour and that was that. So. There. Hmmph.
The parents decided he just didn’t understand the problem, so they went over his head and made an appointment to see the bishop. And he backed up the parish priest! They explained what celiac disease was like, and how much pain their girl would have if she ingested wheat, and the bishop basically said It’s time she learns to offer up her suffering to the lord.
Well, being a lifelong Catholic is one thing, but stupidly causing a child needless pain for the sake of ritual is quite another. So the parents partook of The Miracle of The Marketplace. They went shopping for a protestant church with (1) a similar communion ceremony, and (2) a pastor who was more in touch with reality. And they found one. So they were able to make rice wafers, their little girl had her beautiful ceremony, and the Roman Church was shown, yet again, to be a herd of asses.
It’s a constant parade of buffoonery like this that make me wonder if I’m making a mistake in wanting religion to go away because life would be so much duller. What would we atheists have to laugh at if religion was gone?
Meh, just another example of old media trying to remain relevant.
The new Apple iHostT (TM) will allow people to taste the body of Christ with just a click from the convenience of home.
wht’s th rt f dspnsng t gggng
But can they shoot Necco wafers?
I despise papists. The story of the girl with
celiac disease is perfect example why.
The prophet Eddie Izzard (lipstick be upon him) foresaw this in 2002.
It’s the secret weapon* of [DUN DUN DAAAH!] Popeman & Altarboy
I used to have one of those disc shooters. The one I had used soft air pressure to propel the light foam discs, giving the graceful effect of a puck gliding across a hoverboard. Unfortunately, even if a wafer were punctured to in order to fit (the foam discs are rings stacked on a stick), it would be too heavy to “shoot” any meaningful distance.
Whoops, by “hoverboard” I meant “air hockley table.” Huh, not sure how those wires crossed.
What’s an unleavening agent? Don’t they mean no leavening agent? Unleavened bread which is made by not adding a leavening agent such as yeast, or Clabber Girl if you prefer.
Cripes, all those years I took the wonderbread host not knowing it was worthless – http://www.ewtn.com/library/Liturgy/zlitur85.HTM
Shouldn’t St. John be the one who’s a Pez dispenser? I mean, he’s already got the open neck and all..