THIS. IS. MINNESOTA. We like our Christmases white around here, and it’s not enough just to have a few decorative snowflakes tumble down — we need a blizzard, and that’s what we’re going to get. I was out there in the frigid whiteness earlier today, clearing the driveway and sidewalks, and now I’m all worn out, ready for a good night’s rest. I expect I’ll get up tomorrow to find even more snow piled up everywhere.
Another traditional way to spend the day before the blizzard is to scurry about stocking the larder, and I did a bit of that too…which led to the nicest, sweetest, most heart-warming occurrence. I was listening to the radio, and the announcer came on to mention the coming major snowstorm, and then — O Christmas Joy — began to read off a long, long list of church closures, religious programs cancelled, and Christian events shut down. It was like the Atheist Rapture had come. I felt my heart grow two sizes, and it wasn’t just congestive heart failure brought on by over-exertion.
One more traditional affair to take care of: when I was a young’un in Seattle, on Christmas eve we’d watch the television clown, J.P. Patches, who would always have a little conversation with Santa. It’s not quite Santa, but they’re pretty much the same thing: tonight, from 9-11 Central time, you can tune in to Pacifica radio 90.1 in Houston, Texas, and listen to Scooter chatting with Jesus! Oh, that will make the conservatives so happy, that liberal radio jettisons the secular icon of Santa Claus and goes straight to the founder of their faith. It’s going to be a great Christmas program, and it should be unperturbed by our upper Midwestern blizzard.
Now you may be thinking, “But I’m not in Texas!” This, of course, is yet another reason to praise Jesus. You’re also in luck, because Jesus will be streaming over the interwebs. You can also call in to 713 526 5738 and speak to Jesus — maybe you can tell him what toys you want.
I understood there will also be a Hell Pope of the Subgenius on, so all theological issues will be thoroughly covered.
Brisbane forecast: Shower or two: Max 30.
Thats celcius :)
Happy white shovelling xmax.*
*typo’s provided free of charge.
I admit it: Though i am an atheist i did enjoy going to a “Krippenspiel” tonight – i am sorry, but it IS a bit of european culture. Of course i do not believe, but i guess 80 % of the congregation did not- Io Saturanalia or whatever – enjoy the holidays. (Please read “The Atheists Guide to Chrisatmas” published by Ariane Sherine…
Damn you to the iciest layer of Hel! I will be at work from “9-11 Central”. They’d better post an mp3!!
Ai basta!
Look, um, apropos of nothing:
High School students as Silent Trappists Singing the Hallelujah Chorus
Must see TV.
Merry Squidmas oceanics!
Perth forecast: sunny and 35 C (95 F).
Only white we’ll be seeing is beach sand I’m afraid ;D
In Adelaide right now (11.12am) it’s 19°C (66°F) with a forecast maximum of 25°C (77°F) – which is pretty close to perfect as far as I’m concerned.
Or English tourists? :)
34°F/1°C, little wind, and clear. It’s supposed to rain on Saturday.
Ready your breakfast and eat hearty… For tonight, we dine in Minneapolis!
In this jolly season, I extend an invitation to the bastions of critical, skeptical thought to participate in an amusement.
Go here, then go straight to the New Statesman article, a nice short article by one of our finest science writers, and read it carefully. There are two (known) false statements in it. Once you’ve done your best (and don’t feel bad if you come up short — they’re subtle), come back to the page and follow the comments.
The exercise is not just a self-test for critical analysis of text. As you read through the comments, you may be able to visualize multiple instances of brains throbbing desperately as they distort their interpretations of straightforward text to be in alignment with conclusions pre-formed out of loyalty to an authority figure.
In this case, the contorting brains happen to be atheist (which doesn’t, of course, prove anything general).
There’s even a fine dessert after the meal: after an authority figure intercedes, you can observe lightning-quick reversals of opinion (offered in the mostearnest and self-congratulatory tones).
Neil Schipper
You Minnesotans are lucky you get a white winter. Here it is 37°F, Winds WNW at 5mph, Clear, Visibility 8 miles – no chance of snow here.
“…Jesus will be streaming over the interwebs.”
Sounds perverted. :)
We were supposed to have rain today and freezing rain tomorrow. Instead, we had fine snow like sugar today and are supposed to have mixed precipitation tomorrow. It won’t be a white Christmas in Toronto except for the leftover ice. And that’s unusual. It has been quite cold already with no snow to protect low-lying plants. I’d better throw a thin layer of dry leaves onto the lawn.
The news crawl on CBC, while they blathered on about Xmas in Bethlehem, said that an “apparently deranged” woman had attacked the Pope as he was walking into Christmas Eve mass. Maybe she was just angry about what the Roman Catholic Church and conservative popes have done to women.
What out for the yellow snow.
You got out and were able to clear your driveway? Mine is 600 feet long and 18 inches deep in water saturated snow. The gravel road beyond it has been impassable since Tuesday night and it is 10 miles to town. It is supposed to snow until Sunday, with high winds. I stocked up on pallets (I burn them) and food, so there is no real problem. No booze,no weed, It’s just me and the cat and the computer.
Heathens greetings. (I am so stealing that)
BS
Cool. As someone who spent many, many years working with my own father I’d like to ask Jesus if he too occasionally wanted to strangle the old man.
The war on Christmas grows in scope–
A woman just attacked the Pope!
While on his way to give the Mass
She knocked him on his papal ass–
He got right up and on his way
To speak to all, this Christmas day.
Although his world-view may be shit,
The geezer Pope can take a hit.
Oops! In #14 I should have said “Watch” instead of “What”. And I’m only drinking hot chocolate with a bit of whipped topping to bring in Xmas.
For all you punsters –
“A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.” ~ Joke A Day website.
May I ask Jesus why he promised infinite punishment for finite sins?
Maybe ’cause he’s a dick, continuing a family tradition of dickishness from his dad, King Dick?
Cuttlefish:
ANNOUNCER 1:
Oooo, what a hit! And the pope is down at the 20. It’s gonna take a gallon of Ben Gay to make the hurt go away on that one.
ANNOUNCER 2: Yeah, he never saw dat one comin’.
ANNOUNCER 1: Well, he was totally unprotected. Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit, basically every blocker on the field got caught with their pants down.
ANNOUNCER 2: I gotta tell ya, dose guys couldn’t block da sun on a day at da beach. Dey suck.
ANNOUNCER 1: Hey, the pope’s back on his feet, but he looks a little wobbly. I guess it’s off to the showers.
ANNOUNCER 2: Showas? Hey, did I evah tell you bout da time I went to catlick school?
To borrow from MAJeff, because humans ain’t shit?
Should I call up and say “Give me your father, bitch”?
Peter G. | December 24, 2009 8:28 PM:
Luke 14:26 :
Congratulations, Peter G. You’re fit to be a disciple of Jesus. Occasionally.
Or “I am your father”.
Their? Someone’s had enough nog, methinks, and it’s not me. *Heads to the kitchen*
So that way you can turn to him and take him as your Savior. You see, Jesus is insecure and constantly need us to adore him. That’s why he gives us infinite punishment so that we are force to accept him. Think of it as Jesus putting a gun to your head and demanding you pay him respect. Time to call in SWAT. Lol
Amicus | December 24, 2009 8:09 PM:
I think you mean Don’t you eat that yellow snow.
Please will someone ask; If you’re from nazareth, how come you got a mexican name?
Happily it’s only -4 where I am, with more snow to come. Last night it went down to -9, and -16 in the highlands. I understand this doesn’t impress those in the american mid-west, but we’re not used to this.
Can god be any clearer? He is not on the side of the faithful. Why can’t some people take no for an answer?
It’s 25C here in Kingston Jamaica, but -3C at home in TX. Doesn’t global warming preclude these things? Merry Christmas you evil godless hordes. Hope you all have a great day.
And thanks for the smile Cuttlefish.
V.
While you have megalocardia you can claim to have a big heart.
I wouldn’t waste my time reveling in other people’s fun being spoiled by the weather. I do wonder why they don’t see the awful weather as yet more evidence that their skyfairy is imaginary.
In other news some nut rushed the pope and pushed him over; it looks like some people found cattle toppling too easy and now engage in pope toppling. I don’t endorse such extreme sports; the pope may be an idiot and promote a lot of pain and suffering, but he should be defeated by educating his sheep and not by physically attacking him.
#Neil Schipper (#10)
Why did you post that here?
Are you so insecure that you needed to come and brag that you won an argument on an unrelated topic on some other blog?
RD stated that you were right, and he hadn’t adequately proofread the article due to time constraints. Rather than just saying “OK, then.” or something, you jump on a quote from a book of his published over 13 years ago. (With exactly the same “No shit, sherlock” pedantry as your original complaint)
That plus your referral to an apology as ” lightning-quick reversals of opinion (offered in the most earnest and self-congratulatory tones)” leads me to an inescapable conclusion.
You sir, are a pedantic jackass.
@everyone else
Sorry about that.
I’ve been listening to this very weird webstream for about 45 minutes now…hopefully the jeebuz interview will be better than what I’ve heard so far.
and that aint all!!!
“VATICAN CITY — A woman jumped the barriers in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI as he walked down the main aisle to begin Christmas Eve Mass on Thursday”
Maybe she was a PopeBagger?
this message in not an endorsement of violence or approval of her actions) .. snort…
http://www.silive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/12/pope_benedict_knocked_down_by.html
Isn’t that a Glenn Beck line?
Don’t you mean Ben XVI Gay?
Let There Be Slack.
#33:
How very appropriate, thank you.
#35:
Should’ve kicked him in the shins.
Did you read the comments? #6 is the punchline to the 5 preceding.
Fuck the pope.
John Marley (#33):
That’s an egregious mischaracterization of what happened. My compliments on your testosterone production system, however.
There’s more that could be said, but it can wait.
PZ, why do you have to shovel your driveway? You’re a scientist, man! Can’t you melt all the snow with some pyrotechnic innovation or simply fly to town on your jetbed? The professor’s life is seeming less glamorous than you make it out to be. At least you still have the trophy wife to celebrate the holidays with. Merry Christmas to you and yourn.
Please point out where I egregiously mischaracterized what happened.
My testicles thank you.
Peter Jensen, Sydney’s Anglican Archbishop, claims that ‘Superstitions, such as astrology, can never satisfy the longings of the human heart’. There are some more similarly hilarious religiocentric quotes here.
Perhaps he should also have said, ‘no, my pot’s not black because it has Jesus written on it’…
I have to say, PZ, that second graf was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while…
Either that or it was the two Caesars on top of all the meds I’m taking, one or the other.
MadScientist @32: I had splenomegaly once. By inference, does that mean I should have been really cranky the whole time? (I was, but that was mostly because I felt like something scraped off the bottom of Satan’s soggy sweat sock.)
Old guy must not have had a concussion; under the new rules, he wouldn’t have been allowed to reenter the game!
Merry, merry, all, and a happy New Year!
Merry Squidmas to all, and to all a good night.
Off for Xmas meal gathering number 2. I think I managed to eat exactly the right amount at lunch – i.e. that which will have dissipated by the time I need to eat an outrageously large dinner.
Wowbagger –
Not only are the quotes great, I giggle at the manner in which they are presented.
I just got back from Ohio where I was watching my nephews for my brother while he and his wife work (lucky for them I’m unemployed) and while they were watching Ghost Hunters (don’t ask) the youngest told me that they were going to be looking for the ghost of Santa Claus on an upcoming show. I, being the awful uncle that I am, told him that if Santa is a ghost then he must be dead so tomorrows Xmas was bound to be pretty disappointing due to lack of presents. He angrily responded that there WOULD be presents because Santa was reborn every time he died.
Now I’m wondering… does he think that Santa died for our sins and that he rises from the dead every Easter so he can bring presents to all of the worlds children every December 25th? Is he confusing Santa with Baby New Year and Father Time? I suspect that his mothers pseudotheistic mishmash of cafeteria Catholicism, angel fetishism, and a bland christian depiction of Saint Nicholas as Santa Claus has him confusing a Coca Cola ad campaign with her confused and no doubt error filled understanding of a religion she rabidly professes to love. I really want to ask him more when I go back, but she hates that I won’t bow my head at the dinner table during the prayer – she would just shit if she thought I was corrupting her kid with my evil atheism.
Maybe when he’s older.
i (sort of) apologize for misunderstanding the Stripey monster’s post re: rapist’s taking victims to the clinic.
But i stand by what i said, regardless.
He’s a depraved sanctimonious monster.
And with a belly full of cognac and other Axemas goodies, i bid you all–joyful winter!
I got a good laugh about Benny the Rat being attacked before I headed off to work tonight. And by the same woman as last year! Wearing the same red jacket as last year!! Great security, there, Vatican guys.
I’m a bit late to the party on the weather repoerts, but it’s currently 16C in Canberra at 7.04pm and drizzling.
Repoerts?
Grrr. Must remember that spellcheck is my friend.
Local (Norwegian) TV sent Benny the Rat’s (SiegHeil II) sermon from the vatican. What’s happening, are we becoming catlickers?
That woman showed some sense who pushed the ol’ nazi over, but it was way too gently. The fucker survived. She could at least have done a Berlusconi, and used something heavy to knock him over. Something like a meat cleaver.
In B’s case it seems like the blow on the head has knocked some sense into his generally empty skull, because he is gonna give the Mafia a hard time.
Hm. Perhaps the Pope needs an indoor version of the PopeMobile.
Benny may not have been injured by the tackle, but a Cardinal had his leg broken in the melee.
I think the Canberra Raiders could use this woman.
I do hope the people who seem to be wishing the person who is the current Official Lunatic of Rome are being at least a bit tongue-in-cheek about wishing he had been seriously hurt or killed. As to wishing the office that that person occupies would be seriously hurt or “killed”, that seems like part of a good idea, albeit physically attacking the office’s holder won’t accomplish or assist such goals.
blf: “… albeit physically attacking the office’s holder won’t accomplish or assist such goals.”
I hope you’re using ironic understatement.
The pope, both the person and the office, causes death, suffering, and sickness through anti-condom propaganda in Africa and around the world. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but the last thing I want is for the pope to be injured — I want him a healthy object of ridicule and scorn, not a martyr.
On a snow note, we got the only snow of the season (so far) last week. It lasted 3 or 4 hours. I grew up with snow, so I’m hoping it snows a couple more times before spring.
We’re very traditional around here.
In that we don’t wish people death or injury.
Loosen up, Rorschach, nothing wrong with a bit of christian attitude toward the xians, especially the catlickers.
Also notice how the attackers are labelled as deranged (Berlusconi’s one as well), so that the victims can show clemency, because these people ‘don’t know what they are doing’.
Fuck it, it’s just that they got more guts and conviction than the rest of us!
Anybody who thinks that putting bullets through the heads of GWB, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and the rest of the war criminals eight or ten years ago would not have been a good thing??
In Oz I had little Johnny and Tony Abbott up as good candidates for a bit of friendly extermination, with Alexander Downer and Joe Hockey thrown in just for the fun of it.
So Benny the Rat at the working end of a meat cleaver? Sounds very appropriate!
Season’s Greetings!!
Yeah.
Maybe time to lay off the grog a little mate.
Your comments usually make more sense….
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I’d like to think that Santa Claus is an awesome can-opener of belief. In my case, at 11 or 12, my deconversion included the conclusion that God was just like Santa Claus. It’s strange that so few of my fellow Americans resolve not to be fooled again.
H.H. #40
The pyrotechnic innovation we use around here is called “summer.”
Ho ho ho, everyone! May you American pharyngulites wake up to such good presents as I got – a lovely stuffed toy squid, a Matt Ridley book, good coffee and chocolate and some cool kitchen toys.
Thanks for the heads-up, PZ. A couple of hours of The Outer/Inner Side was a great way to spend early-Xmas-morn. The “juice” line made me lawl, as did most of HeyZeus’ corrections to common confusions concerning his consecrated & cryptic canard.
FWTW, direct links to the aforementioned show(s):
http://archive.kpft.org/mp3/091224_210001tos.MP3
http://archive.kpft.org/mp3/091224_223001inner.MP3
Cath,
merry xmas ! Not long now…:-)
I find that when you’re divorced gifts tend to be pragmatic, dad-i/l gave me a bottle of Tawny, and I’m well into that by now…:-)
[I got] a bottle of Tawny, and I’m well into that by now…:-)
sounds painful… unless you’re quite small and its a big bottle.
Over here in Southern England, it stopped raining & we got sunshine this morning. So i went out for an hour & a half on my bike along country lanes through some of the local villages. My daughters cooked lunch, which was truly excellent. My wife got out of her sick bed (she’s got the flu – seventh day now) & actually enjoyed the lunch. The 2 year-old grandson took it all in his stride, without any tantrums.
Best Xmas ever! And i wish the same to all of you.
I do enjoy my pagan Christmas, without the corresponding superstitions. Lights against the darkness of winter. Celebrating the coming of longer days.
My mother, rest her soul, was full of holiday rules. Don’t take the Christ out of Christmas! Don’t trick or treat on Halloween–it is begging. Don’t celebrate Valentines day, it is pagan. Mother’s day was acceptable however. :)
My father had a similar rule. We never celebrated Guy Fawkes Night because (a) we were Catholics and the celebration was about the failure of a Catholic plot and (b) we were Americans for whom it’s not a holiday.
What’s that? Some sort of PopeSegway?
Yay, Meeeerrrry chissmiass and a happy new monkeys.
Its gift giving day.
I tried to post this yesterday but after going through the sign-in options for 20 minutes, I gave up.
Anyhow, my $15 creche with the googly eyes is here:
http://www.ranum.com/linkedimages/creche-squidmas.jpg
May you be eaten first!
#72 – So cute. I’m glad you got through.
Merry Christmas to everyone. Here in southern British Columbia it’s clear,cold and absolutely no snow. Did a once around the dog park first thing. Cheers to all.
Happy Hogswatch to all! Here in North Dakota, the winter storm is flourishing. Currently 9F / -12.7C, snowing with winds about 30 mph. Time for more tea.
I want to wish everyone a merry
show-your-social-status-by-giving-the-most-expensive-gift-and-group-cohesion-reciprocity dayChristmas. This calls for the most traditional thing my relatives do during Christmas- egg rolls and homophobic comments towards me.Gyeong Hwa Park @ 76:
Harsh. A Very Merry Squidmas to you, with no homophobia included. :D
Merry Squidmas and Happy Monkey to all.
@Gyeong Hwa Park #76:
Yesterday some musical friends and I recorded a GLBT Squidmas Carol (think “Santa Baby” but from the perspective of a gay teenaged boy). A little too late for this year, but I’ll upload it to youtube for next year. That’ll show your relatives!
I prefer to show off my social status by receiving the most expensive gift. (Pay tribute, peons!)
The main downer of my Xmas was the relatives who didn’t understand the “no proselytising” sign we have up by the doorbell. Wrapping your Lee Strobel in Xmas paper doesn’t change its nature.
My wife and kids are off to Grandmother’s house they go for the week.
I’m avoiding the hangovers and kicking back Home Alone.
My very own hi-voltage, roaring decibal Fortress of Sillytude, oh my Cellia why are you sooo sweet?.
I’m streaming over the intertubes, if you too are home alone you might tune in from http://acksisofevil.org/innerside.html
There is contact info there, gimme a call if you have any requests.
I have every Grateful Dead show from 1969 to 1978 sound board. It a terrabyte station of Xmas Paisley Wonerland
Please stop calling the Papists “catlickers”. It’s very insulting to my cats, who lick each other.
For Squidmas, I got a copy of Jonathan Miller’s “A Brief History of Atheism”, Godiva chocolates, a shoe-themed calendar and an ‘I’ve-pre-ordered-these-books-for-you-from-Amazon’ gift note. The cats got catnip and a feather-and-fur toy. The Biophysicist got magazine subscriptions, DVDs, truffles and books. Jointly, we got the OED on CD. So now we’re going back to bed and going to sleep through the weekend.
Argh.
It’s been SO *beautiful*(SUNNY! here in Seattle for the past few days. Today, Xmas day, especially. all the mountains were out.
I say “argh” because tomorrow I fly back to Minnesota to see my family (the ones who aren’t too terrified of the roads) – let ‘s hope my flight isn’t cancelled.
I doubt it but I’m still crossing my fingers.
Looks like I was rather lucky to “miss” Minnesota Xmas (due to work) and celebrate with friends here in Seattle today. Thanks weather for the sun. And being stuffed to the gills with buche de noel with meringue mushrooms.
Santa is a phoenix?
Thanks for the wishes. Surprisingly, they don’t know that I am gay, and the homophobic remarks are due to the fact that I apparently chose an “unmanly” career path.
ok, i’m intrigued. What career path did you choose? Did they want you to be a tree logger or shark hunter instead? (The first two pointlessly macho things I could think of)
Reminds me !
Lumberjack Song
Oh, and that !!
Steve Irwin–Sharks
I get the same thing. And I’m not even gay*.
(*I guess being preoccupied with floral anatomy and evolution is enough).
I chose to be an anthropologist which they think is pointless (because they don’t know that it is). Keeping in the traditions of my extended family real men either get married or becomes a lawyer, doctor, unscrupulous business men and then get married.
Its only the study of humanity…nothing important.