Cuttlekitsch » « Keep the godless out of office

Kent Hovind’s Doctoral Dissertation

Now everyone can read it: Kent Hovind’s thesis from Patriot University has been scanned and put on the web. Remember to breathe now and then when you’re laughing that hard.

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976. I’ve been very active in the creation/evolution controversy for quite some time.

He writes like a second-grader, and I haven’t quoted the Christian ravings from it.

(via Kill the Afterlife)

Cuttlekitsch » « Keep the godless out of office

Comments

  1. bettySwollox says

    weaponsofmassdeception
    What are you talking about “NO CITATIONS whatsoever”? Hovind cites the Bible PLENTY of times haha!

  4. Free Lunch says

    Miskatonic University

    It’s such a great name that I have a hard time accepting that it does not exist. After all, Quinnipiac University exists. Mr. Lovecraft had a great ear for the believeable (except for the unpronouncable Chthulu).

  5. Owlmirror says

    Regarding “Patriot Bible University Christian non-gov’t Accredited Distance Learning Bible Degrees”…

    In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

        — Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

    *snerk*

  6. Jadehawk, OM says

    Mozart’s Requiem arranged for accordion, mouth-organ and didgeridoo.

    ok, now I kinda want to hear the Requiem performed on a didgeridoo. that would be epic

  7. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Miskatonic University

    Lovecraft was inspired by the name of a real town in eastern Connecticut, Mystic. The name has nothing to do with mysticism but is a colonial era mangling of the name of the local Indian tribe, the Mashentuckets.

  8. ospalh says

    Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I’m a creation/science evangelist.

    [Everybody]:HI KENT.

    After all the first of the twele step is

    We admit we were powerless over young Earth creationism—that our lives have become unmanageable.

  9. phi1ip says

    darvolution proponentsist @ #321:

    Epic LULz.

    Jadehawk, OM @ #327:

    He may not be Mozart, but Peter Sculthorpe’s Requiem utilises a didj!

  10. Stephen Wells says

    @315: I have a Cambridge PhD and I would cheerfully purchase one from Miskatonic if you can get the artwork convincingly… writhing and non-Euclidean. I have a dissertation largely prepared in which I conclusively show that the real reason why global warming must be avoided is that further melting of the Antarctice ice sheet will infallibly release the shoggoths from their subterranean lair, and may even unleash the yet greater and nameless evil that lurks behind the battlements of Kadath in the frozen wastes.

  11. Rog says

    does he get one fact right?

    I think the following quote is deomnstrably true:

    “I cannot explain it, because I don’t understand it.”

  12. Nancy New says

    This excretion trying to disguise itself as a dissertation adds a whole ‘nother dimension to the idea of a ph.d as “piled higher and deeper.”

    The mind boggles.

  13. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Stephen Wells #331

    I have a dissertation largely prepared…

    Does it begin “Hi, my name is Steve Wells.”? Or are you more formal, beginning in the Hovind fashion “Hello, my name is Stephen Wells.”?

    …in which I conclusively show that the real reason why global warming must be avoided is that further melting of the Antarctice ice sheet will infallibly release the shoggoths from their subterranean lair, and may even unleash the yet greater and nameless evil that lurks behind the battlements of Kadath in the frozen wastes.

    Now that’s a reasonable topic for a dissertation.

  14. Carlie says

    What are you talking about “NO CITATIONS whatsoever”? Hovind cites the Bible PLENTY of times haha!

    Also once Newsweek.

  15. themadlolscientist says

    I can hear the meeting now:

    “Hello, my name is Kent, and I am a Creotard.”

    “Hello, Kent….”

  16. David Marjanović says

    Accreditation agencies are certified by the US Department of Education.

    <phew>

    Good. That solves the question of who accredits the accreditors. :-)

    Still, that there is such a thing as an accrediting organization with a bad reputation is horrifying.

    page 99: “Some people say that the moon started as a part of the Pacific Ocean and was pulled out of that area. That was taught for many years and is still believe by some.”

    How many plate tectonics deniers can there be left who aren’t YECs in the first place?

    Not to worry, I don’t think he really “went” to high school.

    I have enough.

    The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks

    Case in point: Dan Brown.

    Renowned author Dan Brown staggered through his formulaic opening sentence.

    is there a programme that can turn this document (so-called) into Lolcatz language?

    No. You’ll have to do it by hand.

    “O hai! My naemz is…”

    It’s rather frustrating that I can remember so much Hitchhiker’s Guide trivia, but not enough cases and statutes for my forthcoming exams…

    That’s normal. I remember almost everything that’s interesting and very few of what’s not interesting.

    ok, now I kinda want to hear the Requiem performed on a didgeridoo. that would be epic

    Me too! Me too! <jumping up and down>

  17. Stephen Wells says

    @334: it begins with “Ya, ng’ng’ah, Yog-Sothoth”. Some members of the first examining committee survived, but we’re having trouble convening another panel for the resit, partly because only some members _of_ the members of the first committee actually survived.

  18. physicalist1 says

    is there a programme that can turn this document (so-called) into Lolcatz language?

    No. You’ll have to do it by hand.

    There’s a “speak lolcat” translator here.

    Samples:

    IM, WITHOUT APOLIGY, BIBLE-BELIEVIN CHRISTIAN. I HAS BEEN SAVD 4 TWENTY-2 YEERS BY TEH BLOOD OV JEBUS CHRIST, CEILIN CAT’S SON. I BLEEV DAT CEILIN CAT’S WERD IZ INFALLIBLE AN FLAWLES IN EVRY DETAIL. IF TEH BIBLE SEZ DAT SOMETHIN WUZ CREATD CERTAIN WAI, DEN DAT IZ JUS TEH WAI IT HAPPEND. NAO, AS SCIENCE TEACHR, I WANTS 2 KEEP AN OPEN MIND AN UNDERSTAND Y, HOW, AN WHEN CEILIN CAT CREATD TEH EARTH, IF DOSE THINGS CAN BE KNOWN. THAR R SUM THINGS WE CANT UNDERSTAND, AN SUM THINGS I BLEEV DAT WE CAN.

    . . .

    TEH IDEA DAT EVOLUSHUNISTS TRY 2 GIT ACROS TODAI IZ DAT THAR IZ CONTINUAL UPWARD PROGRESHUN. THEY CLAIM DAT EVRYTHIN IZ GETTIN BETTR, IMPROOVIN, ALL BY ITSELF AS IF THAR IZ AN INNR-DRIV TOWARD MOAR PERFECSHUN AN ORDR. DIS AR TEH TOTALLY OPPOSIET OV TEH FURST AN SECOND LAW OV THERMODYNAMICS. IT GOEZ AGAINST ALL SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE DAT HAS BEEN ACCUMULATD. YET, DIS LIE IZ WUT LOTZ DA DOODZ BLEEV TODAI. WE DON’T C IT HAPPENIN ANYWHERE IN R UNIVERS TODAI. WE DON’T C ANY EVIDENCE OV DIS IN DA FOSIL RECORD.

  19. AnthonyK says

    Oh yeah, now I get it. So this is a scientific thesis, huh? A typical one, no doubt. Well, I call Hovindgate on this one.
    Yeah, Hovindgate, in which it is clearly seen that science is just based on belief, and its credentials given away to a god-fearing man, inspired by prayer, on the basis of hearfelt beliefs, and with God as his references.
    Well, I bet PZ’s doctoral thesis is just the same.
    “Hello, My name is PZ Myers, and I’m an atheist..”
    Caught with your pants down, again, eh scientists?
    On a more serious note, does this end with “and then I woke up…”? I don’t know much about scientific theses but I bet that lots of them do end like that.
    ‘Cos that way, they can’t be wrong.

  22. LookingforCavemen says

    Is this the whole thing? It’s missing chapters 5-10. I really wanted to read “The truth about cavemen”!

  24. CortxVortx says

    While reading the comments, I just had to listen to “You’re a Fucktard, aren’t you, Kent?” on YouTube:

  25. Alan says

    glenister_m asked “So how long did this thesis take? Less than a month? week? day? afternoon?”

    Hovind says that it took him 9 years to get his PhD. He also says that the fact that Patriot U is unaccredited is no big deal because Harvard, Princeton, and Yale are unaccredited. Seriously.

  26. monado says

    By the way, WikiLeaks needs money or equipment support to keep going. Please visit that link again and pitch in with a contribution or some server space. Remember, every penny helps!

  27. StrappingYngLad74 says

    Page 22- Here’s a nugget of anachronistic genius

    “The Eastern branch (of Evolution) was also developing during this same time. People had traveled from the Tower of Babel to the Eastern countries of India, PAKISTAN, and China.”

    I didn’t know Pakistan existed around the period of the Tower of Babel. I’ve been enlightened!

  28. StrappingYngLad74 says

    @Kristine

    “Yep, just found one: “Child labor, sweat houses, etc.” I think somebody meant sweat shops?”

    I have to assume he was referring to saunas. It would be against Hovind’s nature to hate a location where men strip down, face each other, and congregate without shame. That could explain his disdain for such establishments.

  29. rastaron says

    I just read bits a pieces of this and it sounds like any other paranoid religious psychobabble.

    I grew up a pretty radical fundamentalist Christian Church, and I know psychobabble when I hear it.

    Great for laughs, however :)

  30. vladspeed says

    Residence:

    Pensacola, Florida, currently housed in the Federal Correctional Institution, Edgefield (South Carolina)

    Good for him. 98% of inmates are Christians, so he can get a good peer review of his “dissertation”, with more then enough time to defend it (10 years, IIRC).