Uh, gang? It’s the wee hours of the morning of 22 September in Jerusalem. That means, if you are reading this, you are not one of the elect who was raptured. Oops.

I checked the site that predicted the rapture to see if it had been updated with excuses…and it hadn’t. Obviously, this means the author was raptured! Well, cool!

This does have a down side. We’re about to enter seven years of tribulation. Stock up on firearms, cocaine, and explosives while you can, you’ll be needing them.

There is an up side, though. Have any Christian friends or neighbors? Go knock on their door. If no one answers, they’re in paradise — help yourself to their house, their car, their jewelry, that nice TV in their living room. Traffic on your commute should be a little lighter in the morning. The Republican party has evaporated, and the entire staff of Fox News are gone, and the network will have to shut down.

If you were partying yesterday, keep going!