So. Unless you are from New Jersey and idolize your home state heroes who are also quacks, you have probably not heard about this new thing called, “Dr. Oz, actual Republican nominee for a seat in the Senate, just went on TV and said that he drank his own urine because he’s been fascinated by urine since he was a kid, but actually it wasn’t that, it was that medical school made him taste his own urine because that’s what medical schools do these days, and that’s fine so long as they aren’t teaching critical race theory or anything.”

This is a very interesting statement for a Senate candidate to make and your friendly, neighborhood Crip Dyke has some thoughts about this!

To begin with, let me say that I am definitely pro-kink, and if someone does the informed consent thing with themselves and decides to drink their own pee while everyone else is out of the house, that’s fine. (But get your consent in writing!) It can be for curiosity or because it helps you wank or for whatever reason. You do you, okay?

But here’s the thing. Whilst I, personally, am all in favour of kinksters being kinksters, I am aware of some truths about the outside world. One is that drinking pee is not actually good for you. Sure there’s always some bullshit on the internet about some supposed value to the body in drinking your own urine, but that’s all just rationalization. You just wanna drink pee, ya filthy fucker. And that’s okay, once you’ve recorded your consent in triplicate for yourself. But let’s acknowledge facts, eh?

And speaking of those facts, another fact is that despite your local Crip Dyke’s generous attitude for doing your own kink in the privacy of your own local rent-a-dungeon, in addition to being not so good, actually for your health, drinking pee is not so good, actually for your chances of being elected to high offices that require multiple hundreds of thousands of votes to achieve.

I mean, sure, if going on TV and saying, “I totes drank my own pee, doesn’t everybody?” gives you better orgasms, then go ahead. Do your best to get booked on TV shows as many times as you can between now and whenever Maury Povich airs his last, “This DNA test proves they were drinking the wrong pee out of the lunchroom fridge!” episode.

But just as I encourage people to admit that pouring urine in your ear won’t permanently defeat tinnitus and that the real reason they drink pee isn’t because it cures cancer or because med school required piss guzzling in the 1970s & 80s, I also encourage people to get in touch with their outer reality with respect to whether or not going on TV and saying, “Wow, I’m just fascinated with my own peepee and have been since I started using the big potty!” is a valuable contribution to a winning communication strategy for Senate nominees.

So, that said and to sum up: Doc Oz, I encourage you to stay home in New Jersey, drink all the piss you want, and forget about the Senate because the thousand votes you just gained from Pennsylvania piss drinkers is gonna be swamped by the many thousands who are not as generous towards people trying to express their kink into a champagne flute and/or microphone.

This has been my TED talk. Thank you for coming. Or not coming. Or collecting fetish material for later potential coming. Whatever, you perv.