The generation to whom the Christians’ bigwig directly spoke 2000 years ago will not pass away before the Most Momentous Day. Of course, they have all passed away, unless you want to believe that some god made a few of them immortal and commanded them to live in secret just so that this obviously wrong prophecy would turn out to be technically true. But if they’re immortal, then we can’t foresee a reasonable limit to the waiting for the end of days.

Wars and rumors of war will immediately precede the second coming of Jesus, the Rather Greasy. But wars are happening all the time, rumors of war even more often. So how is it that a good Christian theocrat is supposed to use these to establish a timeline?

The traditional methods have failed to establish the timing of the Battle of Megiddo Hill, AKA Battle of Ar Megiddo, AKA Battle of Armageddon.  Again and again “prophets” have told us that one day or another will be the last for the sinning sinners of sinland. And yet, again and again they have been proven wrong.

What’s a Christian in search of money got to do to lay down some impressive prophesying these days?

Never fear: you are now covered by a whole new string of ball-gazers, the latest of whom is Walid Shoebat, fake ex-terrorist who was never actually a terrorist and fundamentalist Christian whose (supposed) former muslim faith proves that Jesus beat up Mohammed.

Shoebat has plumbed Christ’s depths again and again, finally finding the perfect fit for his, ahem, weltanschauung. Like so many Christians lately, he has determined that Jesus isn’t shy, He’s just holding out for the Gay. Speaking of the world that must exist before humans once again get to gaze directly upon their Master’s olive-oil slicked skin, Shoebat tells us that

It will be a heedless world, rampant with homosexuality … where the bottomline*1 will be whether you are for or against sodomy.

That’s right, Jesus managed to come once, and he’s been watching us for two thousand years wanting to come again, but he just can’t cross the threshold. But when he can finally see gays humping everywhere he looks, he’ll get his second coming. You’ll all get his second coming.

And so Christians who desperately want Jesus to come are … not having gay sex? Look, your pastors are all telling you that this man so famous for getting lubed up with oil that you’ve made it part of his actual name is using the entire earth as his own, personal internet and won’t bless your seed until he gets his own, live Men.com.

So what are you waiting for Christians? You have the power to make Jesus come. Use it wisely.

*1: Yes this is an exact quote. Yes, Shoebat used “bottomline” with no indications it was other than his idea and entirely voluntary. No, I don’t believe Shoebat understands irony at all. Or the space bar.