So for a couple years I worked as a shift coordinator and overnight manager at a 24-hour Burger King in Florida. Since we were situated across the street from a large group of bars, we would get a lot of interesting customers during the overnight shifts. I shared some of the best stories on Facebook that I then brought to my old blog in two posts, here and here. I’m bringing what I consider the funniest ones here, along with two new ones from my current job at Teavana.

I have to admit that I have a slight ulterior motive for doing this… I desperately want to publish a comic made up of all of them (not just the ones I’m posting here, but all of them in those two links), but there are a couple obstacles I need to overcome:

1. I can’t draw (including doing illustrations on a computer) to save my life. And I’ve tried, believe me. You do not want to see the results…

2. I’m not sure how to handle the fact that I basically steal the format (and idea, really) of Not Always Right. Well… okay… let me be honest… I’ve submitted to them before these stories happened, but I never saw anything resembling my submissions posted, so I gave up and did this, instead. It probably won’t matter given the format of a comic, but still…

Also, I’m pretty sure I’d have to obscure the references to Burger King and Teavana. For a lot of these, that’s easy, but for a few of them that will be more difficult… and I’m not the best editor (as anyone who reads my writing can attest :D).

(Content note for some ableist words. It’s mostly in the dialog from customers, but at the time I originally wrote these, I wasn’t really aware of ableism, unfortunately, so I use some ableist words, as well. I do apologize for that.)

Anyways, without further ado, here are the best of Tales from the Second Window…

From Part 1 ———————————————————-

The scene: 4:10 am. We’ve stopped serving dinner and started serving breakfast. I flipped the drive-thru menu to breakfast at 3:52am. Burger King now does burgers at breakfast, but not until 7am. To be fair, this is not stated on the menu, so the customer’s initial order is to be expected:

Me: Thank you for choosing Burger King. My name is Nathan. What can I get you for breakfast this morning?

Customer: Can I get a Whopper, Jr?

Me: I’m sorry, but we are currently doing breakfast at this time, and we don’t start selling burgers until 7am.

Customer: Oh. Um… but I’m looking at the lunch menu.

Me: Um… no sir, that’s the breakfast menu. Sausage biscuits, croissants…

Customer: Oh… um… then can I get a number 13…

(The number 13 is a cheeseburger meal. I have already told him that we don’t start selling burgers until 7am.)

Me: As I said, there are no burgers until 7am.

Customer: Oh. Then… um… can I get a number 3, double ham?

(The number 3 is a muffin sandwich. Not a double. I just assumed he was tired and/or drunk.)

Me: A ham muffin meal? Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Small. With a coke to drink.

Me: [gives price] Second window, please.

Customer: [sits at first window for three minutes]

Me: [sticks head out window] Sir! Up here! Second window!

(The customer drives up to the second window, and looks at me, clearly awake, apparently sober, not at all apologetic.)

Customer: Just to confirm, that’s a double ham croissant, right?

Me: [Now quite pissed off and failing miserably to hide it] No sir. You asked for a number 3, a ham muffin. Which I confirmed with you. The double croissant is the number 2.

Customer: Oh… well, I want the number 2, then.

(So I void out the number 3, ring the number two, cash him out, give him his coke, and ask the cook to give his food to him because if I do I’ll cuss him out. On the void ticket, the reason I give for the void is “the customer didn’t understand our menu board and is an idiot.”)

———————————————————-

The scene: 3:45am. This particular Wednesday was insidiously stressful, with numerous voids both before and after End-Of-Day. So I was already really angry and stressed by this point. We’re preparing to shut down the broiler and start preparing for breakfast when we get a car.

Me: Thank you for choosing Burger King. My name is Nathan. May I take your order?

Customer: Yeah. can we get the 2 for $5 whoppers, with cheese, extra hot, cut in half, two large fruit punches, and two large fries?

Me: Anything else?

Customer: That’s it.

Me: Second window, please.

(The customer proceeds to sit at the drive-thru menu for a good five minutes before coming to the window.)

Customer: [hands me a coupon for a 10-piece nugget and a large fry]. Yeah. Can we get this and two small cokes?

Me: [confused] Along with your other order?

Customer: What other order?

Me: [knowing that I’m going to have yet another void] The 2 whoppers, two fruit punches, and two large fries?

Customer: We didn’t order that! We want this!

(So I proceed to void out the other order, ring up the new one, cash them out, and after doing so, walk to the back of the store and scream myself hoarse. I won’t repeat what I wrote as the reason for the void because of how vulgar and rude it was. I’m kind of surprised no one’s said anything to me about it, yet.)

———————————————————-

The scene: 1:18am. I feel like… if you’re so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between a Burger King and a Taco Bell, then maybe you shouldn’t be driving.

Me: Thank you for choosing Burger King. My name is Nathan. May I take your order?

Customer: Can I get a cheesy gordita crunch?

Me: This is Burger King, sir, not Taco Bell.

Customer Oh… well… can I get one, anyways?

Me: You’ll have to go to Taco Bell, sir.

Customer: But Burger King is all “have it your way”, ain’t it?

Me: Only with the food we have in the kitchen, sir. We don’t have anything that could even come close to making any of the food Taco Bell makes.

Customer: Well fuck y’all, then.

(The customer then speeds around, flicks me off at the window, pulls onto the street, onto the grass, and proceeds to get pulled over by a cop.)

———————————————————-

The scene: 12:53am. We’re nearing the tail end of a slightly-busier-than-normal Wednesday dinner rush. I have the fryers half done (filtered and cleaned, that is), but hadn’t been able to go back to them since 10:00pm. I was already over-stressed from the day, and from the two previous hours before overnight started (I clocked in at 8pm, overnight starts at 10pm). The dinner customers were largely horrible as well, especially one couple who utterly refused to leave until after 10:30pm, despite the fact that the lobby closes at 10pm and they had been asked multiple times to leave.

So this customer pulls up at 12:53am…

Me: Thank you for choosing Burger King. My name is Nathan. May I take your order?

Customer: Can I get a number 2 with a Dr. Pepper?

Me: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Um… regular.

(I am so sick of people saying “regular”. What fast food place has “regular” as a size? “Regular” is not a size. I may start just ringing up “large” when people say that.)

Me: I don’t understand. Small, medium, or large?

Customer: I said regular!

Me: We don’t have a “regular”. We have small, medium, or large. The prices on the menu are for small.

Customer: That’s what I want, then.

Me: Do you want cheese on that double whopper?

(The number 2 is a double whopper meal.)

Customer: Doesn’t it come with cheese?

Me: No sir it does not. You can add cheese for 50 cents.

Customer: Hell no.

Me: Okay, so you want a number two, small, with a Dr. Pepper. Anything else?

Customer: Nope. That’ll be it.

Me: [gives price] Second window, please.

(He’s of course two cars from the end of this rush, so there’s a line ahead of him. By the time he gets to the window, his order has already been made and bagged. All that’s needed is to cash him out and send him on his way.)

Customer: [at window] Could you put cheese on that?

Me: It’s going to add 50 cents to your order.

Customer: What?

Me: I explained this to you when you were at the menu board. Cheese is 50 cents extra. And besides… your order has already been made. It’s right here.

(The customer angrily shoves his credit card in my hand. I cash him out and hand him his food, card, and receipt. I then go to hand him his drink.)

Customer: [referring to the drink] What is this? Where’s my shake?

Me: You want to buy a shake?

Customer: I’m not paying twice! I asked for a shake!

Me: Sir, you asked for a Dr. Pepper. I even confirmed this with you.

Customer: What the hell is wrong with you?

Me: Do you want this soda?

(The customer grabs the soda in a huff and leaves.)

From Part 2 ———————————————————————–

Wednesdays are still the worst, but this just happened-

Me: Thank you for choosing Burger King. My name is Nathan. May I take your order?

Customer: Yeah. Let me get a big fish… or, no. Let me get a fish filet.