Conservatives Eat Their Own, Hilarity Ensues.

Oh noez! Jared and Ivanka are not happy.

Seems some gaggle of wealthy, well-connected #NeverTrumpers started a PAC last year called The Lincoln Project. These self-styled “ex-Republicans” just put up two billboards in Times Square:

Photo of 2 billboards in Times Square. 1) Ivanka happily and gesturing toward statistics: "33,366+ NEW YORKERS. 221,247+ AMERICANS." 2) Jared smiling smugly next to quote: "[NEW YORKERS]" ARE GOING TO SUFFER AND THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM." (photo: Twitter via New York Daily News)

In case it’s hard to make out in the image, on one billboard Ivanka is smiling blithely while gesturing toward bold block print:

33,366+
NEW YORKERS.
221,247+
AMERICANS.

On the other billboard, Jared smiles smugly next to a quote:

“[NEW YORKERS] ARE GOING TO

SUFFER

AND THAT’S THEIR PROBLEM.”

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YOU’RE WELCOME, PEOPLE.

As infinitesimal fractions of millions of fans of my debut short film Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning will recall, your favorite squirrel hater explicitly promised she would neutralize certain bitchez, by way of poison.

Iris holding a tray of four drinks and a bottle marked with a skull & crossbones, pictured outside the White House with Trump, Pence, Ivanka and Jared Kushner. Bold block lettering says "Iris Vander Pluym Will Poison These Bitchez."Still photo from
Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning
(courtesy of Death to Squirrels™ Productions)

Poisoning of course is a very ancient dark art, its practice dating at least as far back as 4,500 BCE. The variety of suitable substances and delivery methods has continued to expand and evolve to this very day.

One day I got to thinking, and a plan quickly crystallized in my mind. While shooting the film, I found myself incognito at a party on the White House lawn, costumed to blend in perfectly with the catering staff.

I saw my chance. And I took it.

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Nobody loves me, I’m gonna eat some worms. 👿

I am auctioning off an interview at Death to Squirrels. Bidding starts at ONE DOLLAR, closes in less than three hours (6pm EDT), and nobody wants to talk to me! *sniff* Waaaaah!

You can bid either in the auction thread comments or via email if you prefer: send your bid to irisvpluym [at] gmail [dot] com, with “Iris Interview” in the subject line, and I will post a corresponding comment on the thread that reads “Anonymous bid for $____” along with the timestamp on your email. You know: in case there’s a last minute bidding war! 😂

C’mon, I promise you have nothing to fear from talking to me. Unless you’re a squirrel.

 

What are you doing?! UPDATED.

What are you doing this weekend? THAT WAS RHETORICAL OF COURSE because I already know you’ll be hanging out at FtB’s Carnival of Curiosity, already underway! So many fun, funny and fabulous events are planned for you by my beloved FtB comrades, and they’re all FREE! Though we will gratefully accept any tokens of your appreciation (in the form of US dollars plz). Because it turns out that free speech isn’t free, even when you win the lawsuit.

I know you will be so delighted, amused and wildly entertained you will magnanimously contribute a few bucks to our legal fund (here).

WTF are you even doing here?! Grab some virtual refreshments and GTFOver there already! photo composite of traditional movie candy, popcorn, wine, beer and cocktails.

Catering courtesy of our sponsors:
Vander Pluym Vineyards
Bitch Brewery
&
DeathToSquirrels Desserts

__________

UPDATE: Okay fine. If you’re just here for the free booze and snacks killing time before another Carnival of Curiosity event, please go grab some popcorn and enjoy my (first, last, only and very very short) debut film: Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning.

This is funny, right?

I just received a “news” alert from our good friends at The Washington Post, and LOL’d.

Trump changes course and tells senators to stay in Washington to finish health-care bill

Hoping to avoid a humiliating political defeat, President Trump on Wednesday demanded that Republican senators resume their efforts to approve a plan to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, insisting that lawmakers are “very close.”

Umm, failing to repeal and/or replace the ACA is the very least of Trump’s “humiliating” political defeats. And I hate to be the one to break it to him (lol no I loooove it) but in the United States Senate, “very close” is NOT the same thing as “winning a majority of votes.”

“People should not leave town unless we have a health insurance plan, unless we give our people great health care,” Trump said at the beginning of a lunch with GOP senators at the White House. “We’re close, very close… We have to hammer this out and get it done.”

YES! We’re soooo close to everyone having the Greatest Health Care That Ever Health Cared! Let’s git ‘er done!!!

The president’s effort to resurrect negotiations came a day after he declared it was time to give up on the contentious process to overturn President Obama’s signature legislative achievement and “let Obamacare fail.”

*snort* *snort* *snicker* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

A day after giving up on it. Well I for one cannot wait to hear the president’s position on healthcare legislation tomorrow. Or perhaps Friday?

Ooh! Ooh! I hope it’s single payer!

BREAKING: I might be terrible.

Readers, I am more than a little disturbed at myself. You see, I have an affinity (<-hi Caine!) for some very dark humor, by which I mean the kind I feel terrible about for finding funny, because it is either rooted in harmful stereotypes, or taboo subjects, or punching down instead of up, that sort of thing. And yet! I still find myself laughing nonetheless.

This laughter, mind you, is inevitably followed by overwhelming feelings of shame, embarrassment and self-admonishment. That is NOT funny, Iris! I will exhort internally. Get a hold of yourself, woman! You should NOT be laughing at this!

Alas, as anyone who has ever commanded themselves to STOP THAT LAUGHING RIGHT NOW! can attest, this exercise is utterly, fatally doomed.

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