By now you’re probably wondering whether this whole squirrel dealio I’ve been obsessively ranting about here is, you know, actually going somewhere, or if instead I am just writing to amuse myself (as I admittedly do) and wasting a lot of valuable server space at FtB.

Well. I have merely been setting the stage for the Epic Truth Bomb I’m about to drop on you.

I refer, of course, to the Squirrel People.

No, I do not mean the traitorous humans who have taken up the cause of the enemy rodents (although I cannot rule them out). Nor should the Squirrel People be confused with Dick Cheney’s Lizard People, who can be observed in the wild attending CPAC, independent Baptist churches, Republican-sponsored events, gun shows, and terrorizing people outside of Planned Parenthood clinics. The Squirrel People, on the other hand, are by definition all in the Democratic Party. But they conduct themselves primarily as conservatives—with everything that implies.

Oh sure, they go by other names from time to time: Blue Dogs, New Dems, DINOs, the Center Aisle Caucus, etc. But I will not be having any of that. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said recently, “Well, if it looks like a terrorist, if it acts like a terrorist, if it walks like a terrorist, if it fights like a terrorist – it’s a terrorist.” Similarly, if it looks like a squirrel, swims like a squirrel and, um, quacks? like a squirrel? (Okay so that sentence did not go as well as I thought it would. :| ) My point is that the Squirrel People are conservatives. And just like the fucking squirrels, they ruin everything.

Two of the most powerful and influential Squirrel People are Steve Israel (D-NY) and Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL).

From my dossier on Steve Israel:

Congressman Steve Israel (NY-3).

Professional Background: PR, marketing.

Committees: Appropriations, various subcommittees thereof.

Caucus: Co-chair and founder of the Center Aisle Caucus.

Party Leadership: Chair of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) 2011-2015.

It is these last two resumé items with which we will concern ourselves.

First the caucus. Back in 2005, Steve Israel and his BFF, Illinois Republican Tim Johnson, co-founded the Center Aisle Caucus—or “CACA,” as I like to call it. Although the actual number is impossible to verify since CACA membership is Sooper Top Seekrit, the caucus has roughly sixty members, split evenly between Democrats and Republicans. The CACAs fancy themselves “defiant centrists”—or conservatives, as I like to call them. This would be terrible enough considering how far to the right the “center” has drifted, but it’s actually much worse than that: CACAs observe an unwritten rule never to engage in political campaigns against other CACAs. If the membership estimate is roughly accurate, during the four years of his tenure this took about thirty House congressional races right off the table for Democrats courtesy of the chairman of the DCCC—the very institution tasked with electing Democrats to the House.

Worse, the DCCC refused to fund and support Jim Graves. I bet right now you’re asking yourself who the fuck is Jim Graves? The reason you don’t know the answer to that question is because neither the DCCC nor its House Majority PAC spent one single dollar to help Democrat Jim Graves beat Republican Michele Bachmann in a winnable race. Yes, you read that right: the DCCC would rather have Michele Bachmann in the House of Representatives than a Democrat in her seat.

You’ve heard of her, now, haven’t you? Tea Queen of Kookville, Minnesota ring any bells? If so, perhaps that’s because she was regularly being quoted and cited by name in a relentless barrage of fundraising messages from the DCCC and its House Majority PAC. Rather than support Jim Graves, the DCCC poured an average of $1,710,159 each into the campaigns of a slate of conservative Democrats. Howie Klein of Down With Tyranny noted:

In the 10th closest race, in Minnesota’s 6th CD, first-time candidate Jim Graves came within 4,197 votes of longtime incumbent and right-wing icon, Michele Bachmann… and it is the only [close] race the DCCC refused to spend any money on. Graves is a very indepedent-minded Democrat and, unlike almost all the other candidates the DCCC spent big on, he refused to join the reactionary and corrupt New Dems that Steve Israel and Steny Hoyer are determined to flood the House Democratic caucus with– even to the point of losing races.

Not counting outside money, Bachmann spent $11,946,232 on her reelection campaign, an incredible $66.65 for every vote. Graves spent $2,279,384 or $13.03 per vote. Just as an exercise, had the DCCC spent on Graves the average of what they spent on these close races, it seems inconceivable that he wouldn’t have won by a very substantial margin. Just sayin’.

I have a theory about this perfidy—two, actually. First is that up until she announced her retirement, Michele Bachmann was the single largest cash generator for the Democratic Party in history. But there is also another benefit to name-dropping Bachmann at every turn: she is so far off the right-wing rails she makes the craven, corporatist, conservative Democrats running the party look like flaming Marxists by comparison.

In the runup to the 2012 presidential election, the role of Bachmann the Bogeyman was played by right-wing sociopath Paul Ryan: neither the DCCC nor its PAC gave one red cent to Rob Zerban, the Democrat running against Ryan in yet another winnable race.

Let’s just let that sink in for a minute: the DCCC, under Steve Israel’s leadership, would rather have Paul Ryan in that House seat than a Democrat who is not a fellow Squirrel Person.

Fortunately, Steve Israel will not be seeking reelection this year. Instead, he will presumably make excellent use of Washington’s legendary and lucrative revolving door, and go to work as an obscenely paid “consultant” for some financial sector casino operation or death merchant. But he has bequeathed to us a gift that keeps on shitting: Debbie Wasserman Shultz.

Whoa! Look at the time (and the word count! Jeezus.). I have to run. The sad, sordid tale of Debbie Wasserman Shultz, Squirrel Person, will have to wait for another day.

But I will leave you with this: my minions on Capitol Hill have obtained for me a Sooper Top Seekrit file containing the original, unretouched images of the official congressional portraits of Steve Israel and Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Make of them what you will.

Steve Israel
L: official portrait | R: unretouched image

Debbie Wasserman Schultz
L: official portrait | R: unretouched image

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IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO READERS WHO MAY BE IN THE BUSINESS OF FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT: first, WELCOME! It’s not as if I don’t want you (and all of your friends!) hanging around here! I hope you enjoy the blog. Regularly. In fact, perhaps you should check in here a couple thousand times a day to see what mischief I’m getting up to. Second, please note that this blog is called “Death to Squirrels,” not “Death to Squirrel People.” I write political satire, and I neither advocate nor condone violence of any kind against anyone or anything… EXCEPT FOR ACTUAL SQUIRRELS OBVIOUSLY.