Hey Hollywood! With Elliot Page out as trans, you’ve got a golden opportunity for cheap liberal kudos and award bait! Cast Elliot as a man and treat him as a man, in a classy cool movie. Like a Christopher Nolan joint, where he’s draped in GQ having man feels opposite a fellow gentle-looking man like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It would be cool if you’d give him a romance plot, gay or straight, but if you wanna hedge your bets like the cowardy custards you are, you can leave that out – just have it be a bro show.
Just getting him up on the screen looking cool, doing film noir stuff, you’d have an instant cult classic for the kind of people who are horny for people like him but never get to see that in cinema – lots of blu-ray sales. He’s sexy enough that you’d make millions of mildly transphobic cishet women uncomfortably atttracted in a way that would push controversy and attention. You’d have all the right full-blown shitheads screaming about how you’re evil, making you look like saints to mainstream viewers.
It’s time, motherfuckers. Do eet.
–
No no no. Who wants to watch that?
This is Hollywood we’re talking about here. Think bigger, bro! Think… ‘sophisticated narrative’. It’s gotta rhyme!
Eddie Redmayne stars in: The Danish Guy. Boom!
His girlfriend wants a baby, but oh no! Eddie is a trans now!
So having struggled with “the trans” he takes the brave step to be his true self again.
Eddie just wants to de-transition, but his social circle is being unsupportive. Drama, nagging girlfriend, liberal media!
Bro! This is gold, bro!
See, it’s an “issues” movie about the pressures of social media or whatever. About the witch-hunt against masculinity in modern society. About the mounting pressure from snowflake society for dudes to be cucks. A brave affirmation to be yourself in the face of adversity.
Squeeze in a few rape scenes* and—BANG! Intant Oscar. Guaranteed, my bro.
*Eddie’s just gonna love that. Another notch in his actor credentials. Come on… we all know Hollywood is dominated by straight white dudes because they’re objectively the best actors. And that’s what Eddie is: The BEST actor. He can even play a trans.
OK that is the more likely thing to actually happen, but it’s pretty terrible to behold. As the kids say these days, “Thanks, I hate it.”
–