God Saves Texas From … What?

“Forty Days To Save America”
Had placed a conference call
Cos a pastor had some news to share
About his favorite pol.

To hear the pastor tell it,
Climatologists are irked
Cos that prayer y’all made fun of?
Here’s the funny thing—it worked.

Perry saved the state of Texas
When he prayed for rain to fall
Simple church and state entanglement
Has rescued one and all!

I say “one and all”, but really,
There’s a long, long way to go—
Is the drought in Texas over?
There’s a simple answer: no.

There are aquifers in trouble
In the South, and in the West
(So it’s clear—Northeastern Texas
Is the part God loves the best)

But it’s better than it once was
So they’re crediting the Guv;
If he hadn’t prayed and fasted
God might not have shown His love.

Lest you think the pastor stupid,
Simply wrong, or off his meds…
He’s distracting our attention
From a bailout by the feds.

[Tuesday] the EPA announced they’re giving more than $57 million in grants to the Texas Water Development Board fund for drinking water. “The funds will be used by the state of Texas to provide loan assistance to eligible water systems for infrastructure improvements needed to ensure safe drinking water is available to Texas residents,” the agency says.

That was Tuesday. Today, we find out that there was no need for federal intervention–Rick Perry’s prayers and fasting are the reason the drought is over… to the extent, that is, that it is over.

It is, absolutely, the case that the drought is less problematic now than it was when Perry held his prayer at the beginning of what is typically the rainy season. It’s similar, I guess, to the success I have achieved when I head to the beach right after low tide and pray for high tide.

Either that, or the puppy sacrifice worked. (perfectly safe and heartwarming story at link)

Mitt’s Tax Returns

You can take the word of Romney
Who says, “Everybody knows—
No one wants a president who pays
More taxes than he owes!”

He also said he always paid
Above thirteen percent—
And because he couldn’t break this rule,
The other one got bent. [Read more…]

Through A Glass, Darkly (another guest post by Dr. Adequate)

I asked the preacher to expound
where in the Bible it is found,
and where in Scripture written
why evil flourishes, and why
when blameless children starve and die
still tyrants live unsmitten.

He sighed: “Alas! If we but knew;
but I am human, so are you:
a humble, mortal man.
We cannot see things through God’s eyes
or with his wisdom, know how wise
the workings of his plan.”

The ways of God are not our ways;
that’s what the Bible clearly says
(Isaiah 55).
We cannot know; God only knows:
the dead are dead because he chose
and those who live, alive.

His thoughts are not our thoughts, alas!
We see as through a darkened glass
(according to St. Paul).
Don’t fuss yourself with asking why;
in Heaven, maybe, when you die
perhaps you’ll know it all.”

I thanked him more than once or twice
for all of his profound advice,
and made a careful note.
“I have another question”, then
I asked this humblest of men.
“Say, how would Jesus vote?”

“I’m glad you asked”, replied the man;
“he’s certainly Republican
and hates the Democrats.
He sheddeth his eternal light
upon extremists on the right
and doesn’t think they’re bats.

I know for sure the great I AM
thinks global warming is a scam,
in every last degree.
He favors tort reform as well,
and has a special place in Hell
for those who don’t agree.

Ye demons of the Left, despair!
His curse is on Obamacare
(he hates the Kenyan’s guts).
And woe to those who separate
in any way, the Church and State:
that really drives him nuts.

Don’t peril your immortal soul
by advocating gun control;
that’s sinful, I’m afraid.
His hand is on the GOP,
and need I spell it out how he
interprets Roe v. Wade?

He loves the rich, of that I’m sure
(when he said “Blessed are the poor”
that’s really what he meant.)
He hates the Mexicans and blacks;
he favors a consumption tax
of six point five percent.

Ah, wicked and corrupt must be
those sinful folk who disagree,
and willfully obtuse.
So plain are all God’s thoughts and ways
that just as the apostle says
‘they are without excuse’.”
[Read more…]

Gee, Good Thing God Tells Us What To Think…

My pastor tells me “God says this!
We dare not disagree!
His word, as seen in scripture, is
Enough for you and me.”

God’s views on marriage, taxes, war—
It’s quite a lengthy list—
We’d have to work it out ourselves
If God did not exist.

My pastor says he learned these things
Through study, prayer, and search;
He’s right, though his conclusions seem
Confined to just his church:

The other churches in our town
Say God says different stuff—
They disagree—are works required?
Or is belief enough?

One church says God wants “man and wife”;
One woman and one man
Another welcomes everyone
(God tells them that they can)

Each says they speak for God, of course,
In fact, they quite insist.
We’d have to work it out ourselves
If God did not exist.

The church downtown says one thing, but
The East Side church says no
The West Side church and South Side church
Say they’re the place to go

There’s this church, and there’s that church
And there’s seven more in town
And they disagree on what God thinks—
His will can’t be nailed down

My pastor tells me “God says this”
My neighbors say he’s wrong
My relatives have different views
But mostly get along

For every view their God supports
A thousand are dismissed…
We’d have to work it our ourselves
If God did not exist.

Context, over at Good As You.

Shiny, Shiny Cuttlefishes!

So new that as of this writing, they are not yet listed on the EvolveFish site, but I assure you, they exist and they are beautiful! And the service is uncannily good–my order, for instance, was shipped and received before I even ordered it (indeed, before I knew it could be ordered!


(Click to embiggen)

Here they are, swimming with my original Lassiter cuttlefish. They can even pretend to change color like a real cuttlefish–all you have to do is give them a different color to reflect. Cheating, I know, but what ya gonna do?

As soon as they are on the website, I’ll link to it–for now, I suspect that if you order by phone or email, they will know exactly what you are talking about; the EvolveFish people have been utterly delightful and tremendously helpful in all my interactions with them.

Next step… lapel pins. Then, world domination!

And Jesus Saith “Take My Wife, Please!”

The fragment of papyrus read:
“And Jesus said, My Wife…”
Which shocked those unaware of this
Dimension of His life

The fragment, though, is incomplete;
It leaves the scholars vexed.
I’ll ask my learned readers, then…
What do you think comes next?

So, yeah… via National Geographic… A fourth-century fragment of papyrus is making some waves.

The papyrus made international headlines when it was cited in a new paper by Harvard historian Karen King. Smaller than a business card, the fragment includes several lines of handwritten text, composed in Coptic language, which uses Christian symbols.

The final line of text includes the words: “And Jesus said, My Wife…” while quoting Jesus.

My question, then, is simple: What’s the next line? What’s next, that the papyrus got cut off before it told us? For me, I see Jesus as a borscht belt comedian, stealing from Henny Youngman, Jack Benny, and Uncle Miltie…

And Jesus said, My Wife Simon Peter and I will be taking the weekend off..

And Jesus said, My Wife, when she sits around the house, she sits. around. the house.

And Jesus said, My Wife complains about dinner: loaves and fishes again?

And Jesus said, My Wife–Take her, please!

And Jesus Said, My Wife…

What?

Do They Never Learn? Elmhurst, Meet Cranston.

We like to tell you “character counts”
In big displays, and small amounts,
With that in mind, I’m proud to announce
The speaker for this year
This speaker stood up for your rights
In one of many legal fights;
She’s one of freedom’s shining lights
Oh, yes—and she’s your peer.

A student, just like one of you
Who saw a task she had to do
And bravely, boldly, saw it through
Despite some daunting odds.
This student knew that what she saw—
That banner—was against the law.
The school board’s thinking had a flaw:
They thought their view was God’s

But Jessica’s an atheist—
A point the people haven’t missed—
And she was right; the laws insist
The town must heed the wall…
The wall the locals seem to hate
That separates the church and state
A bruised and battered wall, of late,
But one that serves us all

When church and state are intertwined
Best hope your faith’s the favored kind;
God help your faithful, should you find
You bet against the king.
But when your faith and his collides,
Or privileged status somehow slides,
Then thank your stars that on your side’s
An Evil Little Thing. [Read more…]