Headline Muse, 12/8

Yeah, it looks like the ones that we own
And they found it where ours might have flown—
Now the Pentagon blues
Are all over the news—
The Iranians show off our drone!

Headline: U.S. official: Iran does have our drone

(CBS News) A U.S. official tells CBS News that there is “high confidence” that a captured American aircraft shown on Iranian television today is, in fact, one of this country’s most sophisticated spy planes.
The Pentagon declined to comment, but the American official says analysis of the video confirms the RQ-170 unmanned drone was captured. Exactly how that happened is still being analyzed.

Bill Donohue Is Looking For Accidental Christians

Once there was an accidental Christian
Who had never read the bible—not a word!
She never knew that Jesus died to save us
Though it’s not her fault; she simply hadn’t heard!

Her beliefs, of course, were just coincidental
Cos she’d never heard a sermon or a prayer
So her strange belief in transubstantiation
Was devout, though she herself was unaware.

She believed in god the father, son, and spirit
She believed we fell from Eden, cloaked in shame
She believed that Jesus’ sacrifice redeems us…
Though she never knew, believed it just the same

Now the Catholic League is searching for this woman
Who is Christian, though she truly doesn’t know
Cos they’re looking to adopt her as their daughter
So her accidental faithfulness can grow.
Incredible stupidity, after the jump: [Read more…]

Rick Perry’s War On Religion

It’s time to be cautious; it’s time to be wary,
The “war on religion” is gonna be scary;
They’re coming to get us, according to Perry,
And Christians are under attack.
They’re coming to stop little children from praying
And force all our forces to get busy gaying;
Our nation had morals—but now, they’re decaying,
And Perry is bringing them back

He’s got a new ad, and he’s on the attack,
Cos he needs to distinguish himself from the pack
So he’s kickin’ some ass and he’s talkin’ some smack
Cos we all love a fella who tries.
And surely as Texas got rain when he prayed,
Rick Perry will win with his modern crusade…
Though the A.P. examined the claims that he made
And tells us they’re pretty much lies.

Context, after the jump: [Read more…]

Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Rich And Powerful?

Won’t somebody think of the rich and the powerful,
Struggling, and doing their best?
Oh, why must we always be focused on helping
The meek, or the poor, or oppressed?

It’s time to revisit our social supports
With a view toward adjusting priorities
We’ve largely neglected some long-suffering groups
So it’s time to protect our majorities

Our culture is sexist; that’s patently true,
And examples pop up, now and then;
But the biggest of victims is largely ignored—
It’s the most oppressed group: that is, men

See, men are expected to work and be strong,
While women just have to be pretty;
Sure, men make more money, but that’s not enough;
What they need, and deserve, is your pity

Whatever the circumstance, men are the victims
Through bias, or willful neglect,
But that’s not the story you’ll see on the news,
That’s politically oh-so-correct.

And of course, there are Christians, throughout our great land,
Who are constantly thrown for a loss;
Their second-class status is thrown in their faces
Each time they erect a new cross!

They ought to be able to show their belief,
Placing icons on public display—
But removing these things from our federal land
Is against the American Way!

When privileged majorities can’t have their way—
When they’re treated the same as the rest—
When they’re no longer special, just one among many…
It shows that they’re being oppressed.

(I was going to link to a particular instance of Men’s Rights Advocacy in a news story comment section today–it’s what inspired this verse, although it is not any of the examples in it–but frankly, we’re in a target-rich environment, and I don’t think I really have to use an example.)

Much Ado About “Nothing”

I looked in my wallet, to take out a note—
There was someone I needed to pay.
Now, I’m used to my wallet containing just nothing,
But there’s even more nothing today

I didn’t just not have a dollar today,
I didn’t have twenty or more!
I didn’t have hundreds, I didn’t have thousands,
More nothing than ever before!

It’s not that I’m working with negative numbers,
Just zeroes, and zeroes galore!
I thought that, with zeroes, just one was enough
But I’ve zeroes today by the score!

There’s nothing—just nothing—a whole lot of nothing,
There’s nothing all over the place
Just zeroes, and zeroes, and zeroes and zeroes…
I’m lucky they take up no space.

You’d think inundation with infinite nothing
Would be a particular hell
But the thing about nothing—no matter how much—
Is that nobody really can tell.

You can double my nothing, it’s still only nothing,
At double-or-nothing the odds
And nothing is nothing, when speaking of money
Or even believing in gods.

Long, involved rant after the jump: [Read more…]

“And That’s What Christmas Is All About, Charlie Brown”

So, tonight, one of the true traditions of the season…

I’m sitting in a cozy room
With Cuttlekid and Cuttlespouse
We’re watching Charlie Brown again
As custom goes, in Cuttlehouse

It’s not the babe, it’s not the manger
Not the shining star above
I hope that Linus would approve,
But Christmas is for those we love

I have no need for heavenly host
I have no need for newborn king…
This evening spent with Charlie Brown?
I would not trade for anything.

Ellwood City–No Atheists Allowed.

On the lawn at Ellwood City
Such a pity, such a pity,
That the mayor should be an idiot, and ignorant of law
Though he doesn’t see a danger
Showing Jesus in the manger
If a sign appeals to reason, he can see the fatal flaw
See, the laws of our great nation
Build a wall of separation
So endorsing a religion is a step we must not take
And Mayor Tony Court, his honor,
Knows the “reason” sign’s a goner—
He’ll reject the application, for the constitution’s sake!
We can show the birth of Jesus
Without worry, if it please us,
After all, it’s only Jesus, not some Christian Holy writ
Jesus’ birth is universal
So there’s no need for reversal
Since it’s representing everyone, there’s none who doesn’t fit!
But a sign promoting reason
In this holiest of seasons
Is a First Amendment no-no; it establishes a stance.
“Use your brains” is violation
Of our country’s firm foundation
Since it isn’t true for everyone, it doesn’t stand a chance!

You won’t believe the real story, but it’s just below the jump:

[Read more…]

Marriage, Doggy Style

Jason, over at Lousy Canuck, reports that the American Family Association has sounded the alarm. Gay marriage, they tell us, leads to polygamy, to men wanting to marry their car, their building, their dog. Once you’ve opened the door an inch, it’s anything goes!

And I was reminded of something I wrote a while ago, about an actual (not hypothetical) wedding between a man and a dog. Of course, in real life (as opposed to the AFA), the slippery slope does not begin with Gay Marriage–rather, the slippery slope begins with superstition and religion. If you want to find bizarre, there is no more target-rich environment than religion (with the possible exception of performance art). The story, after the jump:

[Read more…]

This Means War! (On Christmas)

Every Christmas, all the churches would erect a little crèche
And they’d wash or paint the figures, for to keep the colors fresh
It was beautiful, and private, in the shadow of the steeple
But of course it made them wish they could display it to the people
So they put one by the courthouse, where it hadn’t been before,
And if anyone’s offended—this means war!

If the birth of Christ’s depiction gets a special public place
Then the constitution tells us that it has to share that space
So there might be a menorah, or a snowman, or a tree,
Cos if you can put your symbol there, the same applies to me
Till the courthouse is a meeting-place for holidays galore
Universal and inclusive—this means war!

Now the spirit of the season is expressed in giving gifts
It’s a secular occasion—not just Christian spirit lifts
You’ll find kids who write to Santa Claus, but now you have to search
For a solemn observation of Nativity in church
The people have forgotten what the holiday is for
And everyone loves Christmas—this means war!

After the jump, your one-stop source for all your war on christmas poetry needs: [Read more…]

Burzynski The Bold (A Ballad)

Some folks would give up; Some folks would just quit,
When they look for three decades, but only find shit.
But some can make hay from a whole lot of zero…
Like Dr Burzynski, the medical hero.

Though his method is lacking empirical proof
Looking less like a treatment and more like a spoof
That won’t stop Burzynski, the brave and the bold—
He’ll do as he wishes, and not as he’s told!

When your data are meager, then there go your grants,
But Burzynski the Bold doubled down, took a chance:
“I’ll charge all my patients exorbitant fees,
And I’ll make up the difference, as quick as you please!”

Now, some wouldn’t do this; some people have morals—
But Dr. Burzynski, he didn’t have quarrels;
He overcharged bravely, where others might quail;
His ethics and morals were boldly for sale.

He kept at his work, like that battery bunny,
And lied to his patients and sucked up their money
“It’s legal, of course,” he explained with a smile
“This isn’t a treatment, but merely a trial”

He isn’t a weasel, as stories depict him—
Oh, no! He’s a hero, as well as a victim;
He’s willing to take the unpopular path
Like boldly stand up to a teenager’s wrath—

A boy, armed with nothing but brains and the truth
Makes people think twice, ere they threaten the youth;
But Dr. Burzynski? That’s not what he did
(Thinking twice, he did not; he did threaten the kid)

Burzynski the Bold found a lawyer with teeth
(Some feed at the bottom—he feeds underneath)
Who threatened the lad, saying “cease and desist!”
But there’s something the lawyer, it seems, may have missed:

On the internet, smart kids have plenty of friends;
You can threaten him, sure, but that’s not where it ends;
So Dr. Burzynski, the kid may be young…
But mess with a wasps’ nest—you’re gonna get stung.