Atheist Thank-You Cards V 1.0 (Hospital)

Commenter Cazfans asks:

[Y]ou don’t by any chance have any “thank-you doctor for your skills and services” type poems hidden away in your ink bladder do you? Living in the Deep South, and getting older, I would like a poetic way to thank the docs and leave the dog out of it.

A brilliant idea. Too brilliant to be selfish about*, so here’s my first draft, which I hereby explicitly make available to anyone who wants to use it (exception: you can’t simply steal it for profit–you can edit, and you can add, but you can’t screw people over). I see the first stanza on the outside of the card, and the rest on the inside, with plenty of room left for you to personalize it for your own particular hospital heroes.

I’ve heard I had an angel who was watching over me
And who saw my operation safely through
But the heroes and the heroines, as far as I can see
Had no wings attached—and so, I’m thanking you.

Thank the doctors and the nurses, the technicians, and the staff
Thank their teachers, too, for all that they have done
Thank the EMTs and drivers, thank the folks who made me laugh
Thank the donors—even those who think it’s fun.
Thank the people on computers making sure it all goes well
Thank the bureaucrats who made it go at all
Thank the people I’ve forgotten (likely more than I can tell)
Thank you, all of you, for answering my call.

I have a few photos that could go along with this, but not on this computer. If you make any, please share them here!

(If you have suggestions for categories, or for rhymes, feel free to send them. Can you improve on my rhyme? I don’t doubt it for a minute–but if you can, do! What other situations need atheist thank you–or other–cards?)

*This is why I never make any money off of my poems.

Republicans Looking To Pitch Their Big Tent At Tampa’s Strip Clubs

“Our party is a big tent. We can house many views on many issues.”
Lee Atwater, Republican strategist

The Republicans are coming
And they want to pitch their tent
They’re conventioning in Tampa
It’s a really big event

They’ll be boosting the economy,
The figures make it plain—
All the dancers know, the GOP
Knows how to make it rain

In their G-strings and their pasties
In their heels and platform soles,
They are well aware, Republicans
Are leading at the poles

And the delegates are grateful
As the dancers spin and writhe
While they’re not well-versed in tipping
They remember how to tithe

It’s their sacred obligation,
Putting money in the plate
Or the G-string of a dancer,
If the evening’s growing late

They’re conventioning in Tampa
It’s a really big event
The Republicans are coming
And they want to pitch their tent [Read more…]

NH Sheriff Candidate Would Use Deadly Force On Law-Abiders

He wants to be the Sheriff here
He’s running with a cause
He wants to stop the doctors who
Are following the laws

He knows abortion’s legal, but
He knows it’s wrong, of course—
He’s willing to prevent it, through
The use of deadly force

He’d prosecute the doctors, and
He’d drag them off to court
Or citizens grand jury, as
A path of last resort

He wants to be the Sheriff, cos
He’d answer, then, to none…
It’s time to pop some popcorn—
The election’s getting fun.

Story, after the jump: [Read more…]

Todd Akin’s Plan B

Oh, the saga of Todd Akin
On the troubled trail he’s taken
Now his party has forsaken him, and hung him out to dry
This Republican pariah
Claims he queried his messiah
Now, this modern Jeremiah wants to have another try

From his party he’s been cut off,
And his money flow has shut off,
But he wants to work his butt off for Missouri if he can
His campaign is in a pickle
Going after every nickel
Cos the voting base is fickle, when you tell it like a man

Now he’s after your donation
Looking all across the nation
So express your indignation in a monetary form
Cos the message he is sending
With his dime and nickel spending
Is, his fight is never-ending for the male and Christian norm

He’s an underdog—a fighter,
Though the funds could not be tighter
Still the future’s getting brighter, and “legitimately”, too!
Send him lots, or just a portion
So he’ll live to fight abortion
And the GOP’s contortions are in full and vivid view. [Read more…]

Verse Form Invades New Niche

Reader Shellity has made good on her promise to pinch my verse form. Even better, her wonderful poem has shown added flexibility–three verses, instead of my usual one or two, showing me that my form has greater potential than I ever suspected! This is how it begins, and before you know it my verse form will be boring elementary school children for generations to come!

While you are at Shellity’s, take a look around; in particular, I loved what I saw in the “Big Angry Sky Daddy” category. I always said I wasn’t the best at what I do. I just got here first.

Atheism, Plussed And Nonplussed

You don’t have to care about women
You don’t have to care about gays
You don’t have to know there’s a spectrum aglow,
You can keep to your black and white ways.

You don’t have to care about justice
About sex, about gender, or race
You don’t have to care, or be very aware,
Of the troubles that other groups face

You don’t have to skeptically reason
You don’t need to do lots of stuff
If you feel that you must, you can stay A-nonplussed—
Not believing in god is enough

You don’t have to be so inclusive
You don’t have to show you have heart
But… if you do care, when the world isn’t fair
Then together let’s make a new start
Yes, if you think thusly, then join us—A plussly,
Together we’ll make a new start.

Involved rant, after the jump: [Read more…]

Because I Am An Atheist

My contribution to Crommunist’s wonderful series, “Because I am an atheist”.

Because I am an atheist
The world is mine to fix.
No god prevents the plunderers,
The hypocrites, the dicks.
No god rewards the good we do
Or punishes the bad;
No afterlife awaits us,
Just the single life we’ve had.

Because I am an atheist
It’s up to me to change.
The world is what we make it,
Not some god’s to rearrange—
To recognize a problem, means
To seek solutions, too;
Because I am an atheist
I’m watching out for you.

Because I am an atheist
I cannot simply pray.
I cannot wish a problem gone
And make it go away.
God’s promise of protection
Is just one of many lies;
Because I am an atheist
I cannot close my eyes.

Enough verse. Because I am an atheist, I teach a course aimed at applying the best tools of my science toward making the world a better place. Because I am an atheist, I donate blood instead of praying for sick friends or relatives. Because I am an atheist (and an “out” atheist), I try to live as a counterexample to the “evil atheist” stereotype, and serve as a resource for others who are leaving a faith community and unsure of what might lie ahead.

That’s what I do in meatspace. Online, I write silly verses. Because I am an atheist, they tend to be from a different perspective than, say, Hallmark.

Legitimate Pinheads

When you cannot escape
Cos they’ve got it on tape
It’s “Legitimate Rape” to your credit

Now the system is broke,
Even GOP folk
Say you clearly misspoke when you said it

Still you must not lose face
With your radical base
You must keep them apace while you edit

Say you spoke off the cuff
But on rapists, you’re tough
Hope this whistle’s enough, and embed it.

But it’s out on the wire
And despite your desire
You have started a fire and you’ve fed it

Now, you miserable gent,
You begin your descent,
But your path only went where you led it. [Read more…]

The Ground Zero Cross… Again.

For some who’ve experienced losses, the cross is
A symbol of grieving, of heartbreak, of death;
They’ll flock to a church or museum to see ‘em
Defending their presence with all of their breath.
The tomb of a great many heroes, Ground Zero’s
A place to remember who answered the call;
The cross stands for good Christian brothers, but others
Have different symbols—and some, none at all.

The privileged among us will fight for the right for
Their privileged positions to carry the day;
The Christians assume God protects, and expects them
To honor His care, in the usual way.
The cross at Ground Zero is holy, but solely
For Christians, as others have quite clearly shown;
The atheists, Muslims, and Jews are just losers—
They want it to be there for Christians alone.

I can take my pick of sources… David Silverman is in the news again, fighting the Ground Zero Cross.
As always, the comments vary across sites, and as always, it is a display of Christian privilege.

Silverman is forced into the position of looking like an utter dick. The “cross”, a bit of wreckage from the ruins of the twin towers, is such a trivial thing–who could oppose its inclusion in the 9/11 memorial? Like “in god we trust” on money, it’s ceremonial deism, religion diluted homeopathically, something that should be opposed more by religious believers than by atheists…

Except.

When you read the writing on the wall, and the absolute zero of religion’s future is compared to the statistical irrelevance of ceremonial deism, suddenly the trivial battles are worth fighting, and silly crossbeams are now religious icons of the highest order. Seriously, the most common juxtaposition of beams in a heap of rubble is now worth going to the wall for. Because God, that’s why.

David Silverman does not have my stamp of approval. But he does have my sympathy. I would not take his job for a pile of gold. I doubt very much that he wants to take most of these cases, but he is in the position of taking them or ceding another few inches of territory, each and every time. So he is forced to fight.

The fact that we are fighting over more and more trivial notions is testament to Silverman’s success. The real estate we are quibbling over is smaller and smaller, and as a result, the skirmishes are more and more nasty. I mean, seriously–two bits of girder? In a building that was constructed of tons upon tons of girders welded at 90 degrees to one another? Three thousand deaths, and a couple of girders are a symbol worth fighting for?

Fight, David Silverman. Fight, Christians. The big battles are already decided.

Crosses are sooooo two years ago.