Welcome To New Hampshire. Now Go Home.

Headline: Perry to child on creationism vs. evolution: “You’re smart enough to figure out which is right.”

This dodge, as delivered by Perry, was very
Politically minded; I’m sure he was proud.
“Teach both” the man weaseled, “with pride—you decide”
The remarkable thing is, he said it out loud.
He probably thinks he beguiled a child;
The truth is, he made himself look like an ass;
The GOP base’s defiance of science
Makes heroes of morons who can’t pass a class.

The Granite State voters allow you to value
Your personal faith, if it’s kept to yourself
But if a biology textbook’s the next book
Your faith says the nation must ban from the shelf,
New Hampshire will send your ass packing, for lacking
The qualifications required to lead;
So drive yourself back, in your Lexus, to Texas
To people who might want to help you secede.

(The title of this post is stolen from my favorite bumper sticker; if you like it, they are available.)

Defending DOMA (For Fame And Fortune)

This is from the old blog, but thanks to the political cycle, it’s absolutely current.

In the constant chase for headlines
Given fast-approaching deadlines
Politicians fight each other for the top spot on the news
In this rough-and-tumble scrimmage
As they fight to hone their image
Some conservatives may think they’ve found an issue they can use

It’s that goddamn gay agenda
The republicans expend a
Lot of energy in fighting, as they pander to their base
If a legal stance looks funny
Often, following the money
Shows the underlying logic (as, of course, the present case)

In this mess, if you’re litigious
Then you’re probably religious
And it’s blasphemous that marriage should be offered up to gays
And republicans get boners
Over big financial donors
(If the dollars were sufficient, why, I’m sure they’d swing both ways)

It’s a match that’s made in heaven
For Two Thousand and Eleven
As the campaign is upon us and we’re choosing sides, of course
Let the Democrats disparage
Us, we’re standing up for marriage!
It’s a sacred institution… like Republican divorce!

NPR’s Morning Edition reports on the political posturing surrounding the Obama administration’s decision not to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Conservative Republicans are on the wrong side of history here, but it looks like they are hoping they are on the right side of their own base. I’ve argued over marriage issues for years, and have never yet found an objection to same-sex marriage that did not boil down to a religious view. From my perspective, then, it comes down to a First Amendment issue: if the government takes a stand opposing same-sex marriage, it favors one religious view over others.

It’s not a matter of what is good for the children. My lesbian neighbors have raised a fine son, despite not being recognized as a real family; real concern for the well-being of children would lead to support for gay families. It’s not that marriage is designed to promote procreation; my sister-in-law is hoping for her third childless marriage. Since she is heterosexual, no one has a problem with that–least of all, the Republican front-runners, who [as of the writing of this verse] sport more ex-wives than candidates.

It’s not even freedom of religion. There are a good many churches that recognize, welcome, and celebrate same-sex marriages. These conservative Republicans would want these churches overruled.

No, it’s money. There is money to be had by fighting on the wrong side of this battle. If that money can keep a handful of politicians in the headlines for a bit longer, they can keep the positions of power they hold. When they eventually are swept aside, that same money will be available for speeches and appearances. Ex-senators and ex-representatives will make more for one speech than I do in a year, railing against the moral decline of civilization.

Meh. I’ll take that, if I can go to my neighbors’ wedding.

Raise Your Hand!

Republicans across the land
Will stand with those who raise their hands
Thus caving to the right’s demands
For “No New Taxes!”
They’ll hear no ifs, nor ands, nor buts,
No compromise! More cuts! More cuts!
And showing they’re completely nuts
They raise their axes.

It’s just exactly what was feared—
The moderates have disappeared—
They’ve all marched right; it’s rather weird
But quite expected
Some seem quite real; some must be fakes
But all of them will lie like snakes
They’ve figured out, that’s what it takes
To get elected.

But raising hands one August night
And claiming they will fight the fight
Might put them in a different light
Come next November
They’ll do their best to sugar-coat
Because they need the centrist vote;
We saw the hands, and we made note,
And we’ll remember.

Via Ed, a bit on the surreal moment from the GOP debate. Given that Perry was not among the debaters, he needs to have his answer put on record–preferably before a similarly minded crowd.

The Last Straw (Poll)

We see now how the voting went—
The winners now can holler—
With so much time and money spent,
How many votes per dollar?

Or maybe (gosh, I’m cynical)
A different stat to note:
In reaching Ames’s pinnacle…
How many bucks per vote?

The Iowa straw poll is the furthest thing imaginable from a scientifically valid sampling; it costs money (often paid by the candidates’ organizations) for a self-selected, non-representative sample to cast votes… for an incomplete representation of the available candidates, all of whom might not have even joined the race at this point.

So it’s no surprise that more straw poll winners have lost the eventual general election than have won it.

But that’s not my question. I have two questions, neither of which I have been able to find answers for. Perhaps it’s too early, perhaps I am an idiot and have been looking in the wrong place.

First: How did Rick Parry (with an A, for America. An A for IowA) do? I have heard tales of Parry being counted with Perry, and of Parry voters being yelled at by poll officials, but I have seen no official mention of Parry votes in any tally.

Second (and far more interesting): If we divide votes received by dollars spent, how do the candidates rank? In this straw poll, it is perfectly within the rules (I think–please correct me if I am mistaken) for a candidate to pay the voting fee for individuals, in exchange for their pledge to cast their vote for that candidate. So it seems to me a very reasonable question–once we factor in how much money each candidate has poured into this event, how did they do?

If anyone knows, I’ll gladly update this post with the info!

Hinkle, Hinkle…

Hinkle, Hinkle, anti-gay
Wonder what your emails say
Vote for same-sex marriage ban
Look on Craigslist for a man
Hinkle, Hinkle, anti-gay
Look! You’re in the news today!

Hinkle, Hinkle, steeped in scandal
Wonder how you’re going to handle
Colleagues call for resignation
Hard to work on legislation
Hinkle, Hinkle, steeped in scandal
Wonder how you’re going to handle

Hinkle, Hinkle, Hoosier Rep,
Needs to watch his every step
Sugar Daddy; married man,
Needs to do the best he can
Hinkle, Hinkle, Hoosier Rep,
Needs to watch his every step

…This could go on, but it’s just not funny. A sad story out of Indiana, where state rep Phil Hinkle has allegedly (he does not deny) met with a man he contacted through Craigslist.

The details are so familiar they are a caricature. He’s married, with two kids, attends the Catholic church, cosponsored the bill that created the “In God We Trust” license plate, voted against gay marriage… and had multiple but unproven allegations of gay hookups. His colleagues are urging him to resign, or merely to “do the right thing.”

I feel sorry for him; I hope, but cannot know (and have no business knowing) that he has been open with his wife, family, and self. I doubt it, though; it would be difficult. I hope he can come to terms with himself and accept his entire self…and it wouldn’t hurt to start accepting others as well. It would be nice if his district was supportive of GLBT issues; that would make his current situation a bit more hopeful. But his district voted against same-sex marriage and civil unions, and Indiana provides no legal rights for LGBT individuals.

Maybe he should contact his representative.

The Ballad Of Sally Kern

From the old digs….
Image: Michael McRae

A legislator, Sally Kern,
Was simply voicing her concern,
But Sally Kern was unaware,
Or if she knew, she did not care,
That someone had a microphone
So Sally Kern was not alone.
“Oh, I’m not anti-gay” said Sally,
To the fifty-person rally;
“But there are things you have to learn”
And who will teach us? Sally Kern.
Sally Kern, she knows the answer—
Knows how gays are like a cancer,
Knows they’re worse than terrorists
If Sally Kern can keep the lists.
So Sally Kern must raise her voice
Against unhealthy lifestyle choice;
The cost of life against God’s Word
Is clear, the people gathered heard:
Disease and death, and then you burn
In Hell, or so says Sally Kern.
Then Sally Kern, in pure effrontery,
Tells us gays will harm our country:
If we embrace these sinful ways,
Says Sally Kern, allowing gays
To join the City Council ranks
Or work in schools, or stores, or banks,
Our country would be tempting fate,
And all too soon would be too late.
Now, such a stance may seem too stern
But heed the words of Sally Kern;
If we let gays live right among us,
Soon, like mold, or creeping fungus,
Even straights will be infected—
Sally Kern wants us protected.
The path to safety is God’s Grace:
We must protect the human race.
Sally Kern just wants us purer…
Right. Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.

Special bonus: The Modest Agnostic’s youtube version of this verse!

This verse is one of my favorites for its seussian qualities, its hyperbole, and its godwinesque last line. This is one of those verses that pretty much came out in real time and in final form, and I really didn’t know what the last line would be until I got to the second to last. And The Modest Agnostic reads it so well! Much better than my own voice would be.

Bachmann’s Battle Of The Bulb

Watching the GOP debate with Cuttleson… biting our tongues because we have a guest here, a Republican relative. If I am not mistaken, Bachmann just touted her work on the Light Bulb Freedom Of Choice Bill.

Michele Bachman. The gift that keeps on… something…

Grab your pitchforks! Grab your torches!
Cos it’s time to join the fight!
Take up arms against Big Government;
They want to take your right
To illuminate your castle
With an incandescent light—
All-American—designed by Thomas Edison!

We should act as burning beacons
Blazing bravely through the night
Never hid beneath a bushel
But held proudly, shining bright!
So the world can see our power
And can tremble at our might—
It’s our duty to refuse to take our medicine!

So we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
The incandescent symbol of our freedom
Watt for watt, they’re not as bright;
They produce more heat than light
They’re just like us—and that is why we need ‘em!

It’s not just about a light bulb
No, it represents much more
It’s a symbol of our freedom
And it’s why we went to war!
Cos the right to use more energy
Is what we’re fighting for—
This is principled and righteous, not a rant

So we’ll hoard them while they’re legal
Yes, we’ll empty out the store
When electric rates start climbing
We can blame it on Al Gore
We’ll pretend this is an issue
That affects us to our core
But it’s mostly cos Obama says we can’t

So we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
We never will give up our incandescents!
Though it’s such a small demand
We’ll choose here to make our stand
The battle plan of whining adolescents!

Yes we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
The incandescent symbol of our freedom
Watt for watt, they’re not as bright;
They produce more heat than light
They’re just like us—and that is why we need ‘em!