NH Voting Nears An End

New Hampshire’s high hopes for a finish diminish
As candidates stumble their way to the line
It isn’t exciting. It’s boring; I’m snoring
While watching the ads on the local News Nine.
When crowds get Ron Paul or Santorum to bore ‘em,
Or Romney or Huntsman or Perry or Newt,
They can’t escape thinking that choosing is losing:
“Oh, just what we needed—a guy in a suit.”

The sound bites we hear from this circus should irk us—
And insider politics makes me just scream
Just one wants to pull back the curtain for certain:
The alternate candidate, Vermin Supreme
The media stick with the boring, ignoring
The man with the big rubber boot on his head
When voters review this election’s selections
They’ll wish they had voted for Vermin instead

I have a dream. It’s an impossible dream, but those can be fun. My dream is that Vermin Supreme will gather more votes than Rick Perry.

Sadly, Supreme is running as a Democrat this year, so any votes he get will be compared to Obama’s, not Perry’s, sending the wrong message. So my dream requires a write-in campaign on the Republican side.

But wouldn’t it be worth it?

NH Primary, Written In The Stars

The stars and the planets don’t give half a fuck
For the fates of the people on earth
But astrologers think they can tell us the luck
Of the candidates, based on their birth.
Who will win? Who will lose? How can anyone know?
All the pundits are seeking an answer;
Can we know who will win, who will place, who will show,
By who’s Scorpio, Virgo, or Cancer*?
Although soccer told odds based on cephalopods
They were wrong when predicting the cup
So astrology’s stars, or entreaties to gods,
May be likely to mess it all up.
Though the candidates promise, in diners and bars,
They’ll be faithful, that’s apt to be fiction;
Any outcome that anyone sees in the stars
Is a thoroughly useless prediction.

Some really cool stuff, after the jump: [Read more…]

The U.S. War On Religion

While nobody wants us to see a sharia,
Respecting some other religion is fine
With proud church-and-state separation, this nation
Can make one exception—allowing for mine.
My faith is a factor in hiring and firing,
In filling prescriptions, in working with gays;
I’ll claim I’m the victim of warring, ignoring
The laws that the rest of the country obeys

The language that’s used in campaigning, explaining
How Christians are victims of hatred outright,
Is carefully tuned to the masses of asses
Who eagerly listen, convinced that it’s right.
The pandering pinheads are trying, by lying,
To gather their forces, to strengthen their core;
The truth is too boring, but fighting’s exciting—
To rally the troops, they’ve invented a war.

after the jump: [Read more…]

Headline Muse 1/7

In New Hampshire, a guaranteed Gomer*
Can believe that life owes him a homer—
In the first-voting state
Let’s shake up the debate
By inviting both Karger and Roemer!

Headline: Let’s shake things up: Let Roemer, Karger debate (might need to register.)

Come on… you’ve heard everything the big dogs are going to say. The one advantage New Hampshire claims to offer is a chance for the little voices. The people without a ghost of a chance. So let’s make NH relevant. Let’s invite some of the also-rans to the big show.

This is the time to make our primary more relevant than any of the other forums and debates to this point and rewrite the contest – which we often do.

Inviting former Louisiana governor Buddy Roemer to the table would draw attention to an issue that he has been focusing on: campaign financing and where the money to buy the presidency comes from. It’s long overdue. And it can be done by just an invitation.

And of course, the candidate already endorsed by The Digital Cuttlefish…

In addition to Roemer, Fred Karger has also been running a serious statewide campaign. He should be invited to the table as well.

Karger has a different view on social issues than the rest of the Republican field, and that could generate a broader, more meaningful dialogue – which should be the goal of any debate.

Of course, this being the right thing to do means pretty much that there is no chance in hell that it will be done.

Sadly… *”Gomer” (an acronym–Get Out of My Emergency Room) has a few definitions, but the common thread is that they are pretty much already dead, they just don’t know it.

New Hampshire Politics

New Hampshire, as you may have heard, has five seasons, not four. Tucked between Winter (which can be long) and Spring (which, by law, cannot be) there is Mud Season, that dreary time when any remaining snow is grey or brown with smoke, ash, or tire-spray, and not even the bravest of crocuses has dared yet to emerge.

I have noticed, though, another weather and behavioral anomaly in the Granite State. This one is a quadrennial pattern; I suspect it has something to do with sunspots.
[Read more…]

Santorum Booed In NH

So it seems that Rick Santorum,
At a recent public forum
Made a point he thought was clever, and was booed.
See, his point was to disparage
And belittle same-sex marriage,
But his audience was never in the mood.
He was obviously hoping
To engage in slipp’ry sloping:
“If we legalize gay marriage, what comes next?”
But his motive was transparent
And the people said “you daren’t”
Which he did, and so it left him quite perplexed.
I begin to get the feeling
That Santorum is appealing
To an audience that really isn’t there
And the hatred he’s extolling’s
Going to hurt him in the polling—
In the Granite State, he doesn’t have a prayer.

[Read more…]

Teaching The Controversy (Hopper’s Folly)

Evolution is offensive, cos it tells us we’ve evolved,
From a monkey, from a lungfish, from a worm!
Now New Hampshire’s Gary Hopper think’s he’s got the problem solved
So we’re doing something differently this term.

He’d require science teachers, when they’re speaking to their class,
To instruct them not to stick with any theory—
Cos today it’s evolution, but tomorrow that will pass—
All this change in science makes a man grow weary

We should teach the controversy! There are several points of view!
Evolution’s merely one belief in many!
There’s alternatives aplenty, like creationism, too,
If we’re lucky, then we won’t have time for any!

While we’re at it, let’s see challenges to gravity as well,
And the theory that the earth is truly round
And the notion of a “molecule”, an “atom”, or a “cell”,
Throughout science, we see challenges are found!

While the scientists will tell us that one theory is the best
There are others they consider not so nice
Which the children should attend to, thanks to Hopper’s new request
And New Hampshire’s reputation pays the price

[Read more…]

Bad Process? Or Bad Candidates?

The voting public changes hearts
Like tossing dice or throwing darts;
The candidates who join this dance,
Who studiously act their parts
Can’t see this isn’t real romance
But merely just the whims of chance

The process seems to be designed
To favor those who change their minds
Depending on some small demand—
It’s not a rarity to find
A vote because of shaken hand,
Or baby kissed, or pamphlet scanned

It’s claimed that early states can play
A greater role, because they pay
Attention to the things they ought,
And (so the states’ supporters say)
They give the issues proper thought,
Legitimizing battles fought

But looking at the polls this year
No candidate is breaking clear
So… Are these voters unaware?
Or might it be, as some may fear,
No candidate campaigning there
Has done enough to make them care.

Some musings, after the jump: [Read more…]

Undecided? Still?

Slate.com has a story analyzing 12 kinds of undecided voters. They miss one motivation, though…

There was a voter, undecided,
Though I cannot fathom why;
Perhaps a faulty compass guided
Him, as days and weeks flew by.
Friends would prod, and neighbors chided
“Such an indecisive guy!”
With rapt attention undivided
All would roll their eyes and sigh.
The networks parked where he resided
(Never was he camera-shy)
The interviews that he provided
Kept the ratings climbing high.

Today, as news-mobiles collided
In his yard, I caught his eye:
“If I decide”, the man confided,
“All these cameras say good-bye!”

“Unencumbered By Government Intrusion”

“Allow us to practice our faith, unencumbered
By government intrusion”, the spokesperson said.
Our clinics’ and hospitals’ days are now numbered—
They want us to change, but we’d rather be dead.

It seems like a joke, but it just isn’t funny,
Insisting we play by the federal rules—
But “no strings attached” is how we like our money,
To use for adoption, for kitchens, for schools

We’re forced to have standards! We’re forced to make offers
Of service to which we are rightly opposed!
Our money, which comes from the government’s coffers
Is needed—without it, our clinics are closed!

It just isn’t fair we are forced to these choices
Like those we’re preventing our clients to make
So faithful believers are raising our voices…
Our right to be prejudiced pricks is at stake!

Slight rant, after the jump: [Read more…]