Oh, Those Undecided Voters

There was a voter, undecided,
Though I cannot fathom why;
Perhaps a faulty compass guided
Him, as days and weeks flew by.
Friends would prod, and neighbors chided
“Such an indecisive guy!”
With rapt attention undivided
All would roll their eyes and sigh.
The networks parked where he resided
(Never was he camera-shy)
The interviews that he provided
Kept the ratings climbing high.

Today, as news-mobiles collided
In his yard, I caught his eye:
“If I decide”, the man confided,
“All these cameras say good-bye!” [Read more…]

White House Secrets Released, Deemed “Delicious”

Something’s brewing at the White House
But I see no need for fear
They’ve released a vital secret—
It’s their recipe for beer!

There’s a White House Honey Porter
And a White House Honey Ale;
They’re in limited production
And they will not be for sale

If you’re really, really lucky
You might have one with the Prez—
You can judge if it’s incredible
Like everybody says

But if Romney takes the White House
Say goodbye to ale or stout
Which is just another reason
That we’ve got to keep him out!

For the good of all the nation
Give Obama four more years!
For our children… for tomorrow…
For our future… (for the beers!) [Read more…]

Antagonish

I saw Clint Eastwood use a chair
To mock a man who wasn’t there.
He spoke at length, as if he heard;
The chair, of course, spoke not a word.

The chat was broadcast on TV
For all the world to watch and see
And there at the convention hall
The chair held no one—none at all!
Go ahead, go ahead, you know what to say
Go ahead, go ahead, Go ahead—make my day… (blam!)

I saw Clint Eastwood use a chair
To mock a man who wasn’t there;
It might seem strange, but no more odd
Than talking to an absent God. [Read more…]

Oohhhhh….. Mitt.

Oh, Mitt. My in-laws are so happy with your speech. Of course, as Cuttlespouse told me this evening, they’d vote for Hitler if he ran as a Republican.

Lyrics:

He’ll never use a compass
When a weathervane will do;
You can check his past directions
For the way the wind once blew
There’s no permanent position
Which, for money, he won’t bend
To the will of corporations
Cos they’re people too, my friend!

It’s time we had a president
Who will not stand for shit—
So strap your dog to the roof of your car
And let’s hit the road for Mitt!

He passed a law for health care
Which of course he now regrets
He likes to prove his honor
With ten-thousand dollar bets
Abortion is an evil, which
Good people should abhor
In utter contradiction of
The stand he took before!

It’s time we had a president
Who will not stand for shit—
So strap your dog to the roof of your car
And let’s hit the road for Mitt!

Bridge:
Oh beautiful for spacious skies
For amber waves of grain
For candidates who can’t recall
Which years they worked at Bain

His piercing eyes, his shining teeth,
His perfect, manly hair
His mainstream Christian values
And his magic underwear
He’s earned my admiration
Though it strains my common sense—
For taking strong positions, but
On both sides of the fence!

It’s time we had a president
Who will not stand for shit—
So strap your dog to the roof of your car
And let’s hit the road for Mitt!

I still need to record this in the original tune–but really, only to show you how much better this version is.

Yes, from here and here.

We Hold These Lies To Be Self-Evident…

The speeches we hear are so flagrantly truthless—
They don’t even hide their intentions—
Let’s update the saying to cover the ruthless:
There’s lies, and damned lies, and conventions.

At least five times, Ryan misrepresented the facts. And while none of the statements were new, the context was. It’s one thing to hear them on a thirty-second television spot or even in a stump speech before a small crowd. It’s something else entirely to hear them in prime time address, as a vice presidential nominee is accepting his party’s nomination and speaking to the entire country.

Six Word Stump Speeches?

Longwindedness is for the birds;
Come, state your case in just six words—
The candidates are rarely terse,
So take a chance; you can’t do worse!

Six word stump speeches. Why six words? I don’t know. But they could sure use an infusion of creative and intelligent people. So I thought of you immediately. Yes, you!

And yes, I tried my hand at a few. I did not use my Cuttlefish moniker, though, so you’ll have to guess.

Republicans Looking To Pitch Their Big Tent At Tampa’s Strip Clubs

“Our party is a big tent. We can house many views on many issues.”
Lee Atwater, Republican strategist

The Republicans are coming
And they want to pitch their tent
They’re conventioning in Tampa
It’s a really big event

They’ll be boosting the economy,
The figures make it plain—
All the dancers know, the GOP
Knows how to make it rain

In their G-strings and their pasties
In their heels and platform soles,
They are well aware, Republicans
Are leading at the poles

And the delegates are grateful
As the dancers spin and writhe
While they’re not well-versed in tipping
They remember how to tithe

It’s their sacred obligation,
Putting money in the plate
Or the G-string of a dancer,
If the evening’s growing late

They’re conventioning in Tampa
It’s a really big event
The Republicans are coming
And they want to pitch their tent [Read more…]

NH Sheriff Candidate Would Use Deadly Force On Law-Abiders

He wants to be the Sheriff here
He’s running with a cause
He wants to stop the doctors who
Are following the laws

He knows abortion’s legal, but
He knows it’s wrong, of course—
He’s willing to prevent it, through
The use of deadly force

He’d prosecute the doctors, and
He’d drag them off to court
Or citizens grand jury, as
A path of last resort

He wants to be the Sheriff, cos
He’d answer, then, to none…
It’s time to pop some popcorn—
The election’s getting fun.

Story, after the jump: [Read more…]

Todd Akin’s Plan B

Oh, the saga of Todd Akin
On the troubled trail he’s taken
Now his party has forsaken him, and hung him out to dry
This Republican pariah
Claims he queried his messiah
Now, this modern Jeremiah wants to have another try

From his party he’s been cut off,
And his money flow has shut off,
But he wants to work his butt off for Missouri if he can
His campaign is in a pickle
Going after every nickel
Cos the voting base is fickle, when you tell it like a man

Now he’s after your donation
Looking all across the nation
So express your indignation in a monetary form
Cos the message he is sending
With his dime and nickel spending
Is, his fight is never-ending for the male and Christian norm

He’s an underdog—a fighter,
Though the funds could not be tighter
Still the future’s getting brighter, and “legitimately”, too!
Send him lots, or just a portion
So he’ll live to fight abortion
And the GOP’s contortions are in full and vivid view. [Read more…]