I’m saying “Merry Christmas”!
It’s so wonderful to hear!
Thanks to Trump, I get to say it,
Which I hadn’t, since… last year. [Read more…]
The Digital Cuttlefish
Since the music plays so briefly... Can you blame me if I dance?
I’m saying “Merry Christmas”!
It’s so wonderful to hear!
Thanks to Trump, I get to say it,
Which I hadn’t, since… last year. [Read more…]
’Twas the night before xmas, and all through Trump Tower
The underlings dreaded the Three AM hour
They knew that their boss, on his gold-plated shitter
Was busy composing some insult on Twitter
(Since no one would dare to sequester his phone
While he sat on his crapper, he’s safely alone)
And no one—not family, and not secret service—
Could stop him (which made all the underlings nervous). [Read more…]
‘Twas the night before—really, the name doesn’t matter—
The goose we’d be roasting just couldn’t be fatter;
We’d trimmed out the tree, feeling ever-so-jolly,
The mistletoe shimmered, and so did the holly
The Yule-log was glowing; each flame, and each ember
Reminded us all it was late in December
In the house, we were warm, but it can’t be denied
While indoors we were cozy, ‘twas freezing outside [Read more…]
We’ll all open presents, and cook a big dinner,
And share in traditions we learned long ago
But Christmas is different for this humble sinner,
No “birth of the saviour”, just people we know. [Read more…]
The War Against Christmas is over!
(Well, you knew that it never could last)
Christmas Present has changed beyond telling
And you’ll nevermore see Christmas Past [Read more…]
Holy Zombie Jesus! Christ is risen from the dead!
That’s the message that they’re sending, but they’re catching flak instead
For their baby zombie Jesus, with a manger for His bed
Which the neighbors do not like, in Cincinnati.
A nativity with zombies—for the most part, cos it’s fun!
It’s an advert for a haunted house a local group has run
So it’s good for Christmas business, see, when all is said and done,
But the neighborhood is going rather batty. [Read more…]
People tell you “Tis the season”
But for no apparent reason
In a time of peace and giving, they’re declaring war instead
The most trivial of matters
Have some people mad as hatters
And these “War on Christmas” Starbucks cups have got me seeing red! [Read more…]
It was Cephalopodmas, and all through the blogs
Not a writer was stirring—all sleeping like logs.
Each blogosphere-dweller, from Orac to PZ
Was all bundled up and just taking it easy.
Their prone, sleeping forms, that might well have been granite
Slept through the most wonderful tale on the planet!
For all ‘cross the globe, from the oceans and seas,
All the cephalopods, just as nice as you please,
Took a break from their lurking in kelps and in corals
To visit the houses of people with morals. [Read more…]
‘Twas the night before Christmas; the Christians all hunkered
In basements of buildings they’d armored and bunkered.
They huddled in silence; they huddled in fear,
With thoughts that the atheists soon would draw near [Read more…]
From the Cape of Good Hope to the Newfoundland islands,
The sands of Iran to the Panama isthmus;
From Outback Australia to Inverness Highlands
It’s time to take arms in the War Against Christmas!
My weapons are mistletoe, Christmas trees, holly,
A yule-log, and caroling out in the snow;
Sleigh-rides and snowball-fights, eggnog and Jolly
Old Santa Claus, laughing his loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
We’ll make them forget all the Truth of the season—
The sacrifice planned by a god up above—
And have them believing some bastardized reason
Like giving, or kindness, or caring or love!
I’ll cruelly and callously help out a stranger
Who’s down on his luck or has suffered some loss,
I won’t even speak of the babe in the manger
Whom God sent to Earth to get nailed to a cross;
When the winds of December conspire to freeze us
I’ll help collect sweaters and coats for the poor,
Neglecting to make any mention of Jesus,
Whose torture is really what Christmas is for.
My hatred of Christmas will focus my labors
On weaving an atheist fabric of lies—
For instance, I’m giving to all of my neighbors
Gift baskets, cookies, and fruitcakes and pies!
I’ll say “Merry Christmas!” I’ll say “Season’s Greetings!”
I’ll say “Happy Holidays—Joyous Noel!”
Intending of course, that with each of these meetings
The Truth About Christmas can just go to hell.
The truth is that Christmas is not about presents
It’s no time for songs, It’s not time to be nice
It’s not time for feasting on turkeys or pheasants—
It’s sin, and redemption by blood sacrifice.
No time to be jolly; no time to be merry
It’s time to be solemn, and grim, and devout!
The heathens might find it depressing or scary
But that is what Christmas is truly about.
Yes, Jesus is really the ultimate reason
And Christmas is really redemption and sin;
The war against Christmas is early this season—
For God’s sake, let’s hope that the atheists win!
A bit of history of Christmas in America, after the jump: