Damn those atheists and their orgies

That title got your attention, didn’t it?

It’s about a month until school starts, and less than a month until the Freshman come for orientation, so it’s time to start planning club events. I wanted to get in one last summer social, hopefully next week, but I really am awful at coming up with group social events. I’m the kind of person who likes to read, play videogames, watch a movie, troll the internet – all individual or small group activities. So when it comes to creating a fun summer activity for 30 people, I turn to others for their advice. The first answer out of everyone’s mouth?

Member: We could have an atheist bacchanalia orgy
Me: Why is that the number one suggestion I get from everyone?
Member: Hey, it’s not my fault it’s a popular idea for an event. Board game night?
Me: Eh, board game night is kind of the default…like, if I can’t think of anything else
Member: I know!
Me: ???
Member: Orgy game night!
Me: lol, thank you
Member: You’re welcome
Me: No strip Monopoly for you
Member: =(

I love my atheist friends.

Sexy Food Commercials

I’ve noticed a trend that lately food commercials are becoming super sexual. Now, I don’t watch a ton of TV, so maybe this has always been going on… But some of these commercials have shot way past Funny and landed in Moderately Disturbing. I know they always say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but is the way to his stomach through his junk?

For example, Padma Lakshmi’s Hardee’s commercial:

Mmmm, yeah former vegetarian, put that big hunk of Western meat into your mouth. Oh yeah, lick it up. Because you know Western meat is better than that puny Indiana cock…er, I mean meat. Meat. Yeaaah.

Ok, Padma is smoking hot, but is it really attractive to see a gal dribble barbeque sauce all over herself and then lick it off? Actually, don’t answer that. Anyway, this commercial is nothing compared to ones with more overt sexuality:

Oh god, Arby’s hat boner, really? I’m open to a lot of kinks and fetishes, but I think I draw the line at Fast Food Worker Selling Food. But at least that one involved two human beings.

This White Castle commercial is yet more proof that there Is No God.

Really, what the hell? Every time this comes on I die a little inside as I stare at my television set, mortified. I think the worst part is I know there are probably furries out there somewhere masturbating over this thing. And again with the sexy barbeque sauce. Do you know how sticky that would be? Yuck.

I have to admit I think this is the funniest one in the bunch, only because it’s so wrong that it has to be good. Anything involving a gay sub-dom relationship with a toaster oven and a power bottom sandwich making boy gets an A+ in my book. But does it make me want to stick Quizno’s Toasty Torpedo in my mouth? Nooooo.

Why do I even bring this up? Because my friend just linked me to the most disturbing video of all. Honeslty, this is probably NSFW.

Thank you, Sprite, for forever making me associate the flavor of Sprite with that of jizz.

Now, if I was a good feminist, I would write up some diatribe about how all of these commercials are examples of the objectification of women and sexist and yadda yadda. But I have a bigger issue with the commercials – do these really make people buy the food? I get that they’re humorous, but do you really want to go grab a Sprite and a Toasty Torpedo right about now? I’d prefer not to think about a soda money shot while eating my dinner, but maybe that’s just me.

Yuck.

I’ve been podcasted!

Hm, is podcasted a word?

Anyway, you may remember one of my older posts, Natural Sexuality, which was a satire in the form of a script. Well it turns out the podcast Polyamory Weekly liked it so much that they did a mini reenactment of it. It’s not the entire thing, but I do like the guy’s voice for Lion. Too bad it took me almost two months to accidentally discover that they did it.

If you’re interested, the mp3 is here. It’s the first thing they talk about on the show.

I feel pretty special. I don’t think even PZ’s had voice actors for his post (and now I know someone will give me a link to prove me wrong…shhhhhhh).

I've been podcasted!

Hm, is podcasted a word?

Anyway, you may remember one of my older posts, Natural Sexuality, which was a satire in the form of a script. Well it turns out the podcast Polyamory Weekly liked it so much that they did a mini reenactment of it. It’s not the entire thing, but I do like the guy’s voice for Lion. Too bad it took me almost two months to accidentally discover that they did it.

If you’re interested, the mp3 is here. It’s the first thing they talk about on the show.

I feel pretty special. I don’t think even PZ’s had voice actors for his post (and now I know someone will give me a link to prove me wrong…shhhhhhh).

Some entertainment for you

This is pretty much the most amazing site ever: I Did It For Science. These journalists get random sex topics (trying anal, crossdressing, make your own dildo kit – curious yet?) and they actually have to do them and report on them in a “scientific” matter. All of them are absolutely hilarious and a great time waster. The site’s pretty old, so you may have seen it already. They haven’t had new articles since 2006, which was about when I first found it…but they’re supposed to start posting new articles soon! Huzzah! Go check it out, as I’m still probably jetlagged and you’ll need some other entertainment.

The only thing I don’t like about it? I didn’t think of it first. I’m pretty sure having an excuse to do all that crazy sex stuff and then write up a hilarious report would be my dream job. …And as a blogger, I probably shouldn’t tell you guys that. Don’t get your hopes up.

Q&A – Why Blag Hag?

“Query – Why ‘Blag Hag’? It is not the most flattering of pseudonyms. It does have tremendous rememberability (is that a word?) value though.

– Jeff”

I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this! Like other internet nicknames I’ve chosen for myself, this just kind of sprung to life out of a joke. I had wanted to start a blog for a while, but I was agonizing over what to call it. I hate giving things titles. Whenever I had to name a piece of art or short story, I’d generally go with something minimalistic and obvious like “Cat” or “Bowl of Fruit” just because otherwise I’d suffer over it for days. But I think a name can make or break a blog, so I was fretting over it more than usual. I started brainstorming with a good friend of mine who happens to be gay (I promise this is relevant), hoping something would pop up.

Him: Hmm, well how about a pun?
Me: Ehh, I dunno, like what?
Him: Well my [now very defunct] blog is called “Honest to Blog.”
Me: Hmmm…
Him: How about “In Blog We Trust?”
Me: What am I, your blag hag? … *lightbulb goes on*

So yes, the name of this blog is based on a random joke about being another blog’s fag hag. For those of you who don’t think “blag” is a legitimate synonym for “blog”, I direct you to this and this. xkcd knows all. As for not being flattering, I’ve always used the term fag hag with a bit of pride rather than as an insult. And you know what? Recent research has shown that “fag hags” (aka women who associate with gay men) actually have higher body esteem and feel more attractive! So there!

And anyway, “Blag Hag” is better than the nickname I use on most sites, “Jennifurret.” That’s from a friend pointing out that Jennifer and Furret made Jennifurret. Yes, my internet nickname is based on a Pokemon. For shame. Hey, I was 13 and it stuck. At least it’s a cute one.

Alaska photos!!!

Yay, I finally found a way to transfer photos! I’ll just share some of my favorites here with you:

Eating at Pike’s Place on the Chena River. Good food, but even better view.

This was so hilarious that I almost bought it. It was in the gift shop for the Alaskan Salmon Bake, which is basically this hokey gold mine theme park we went to that had all you can eat salmon, halibut, cod, prime rib, and all the fixings.

This was the best part of the theme park. Weeeeee!

I also learned that polar bears tend to spontaneously combust in Alaska.

Creepy human-turtle zombie sculptures on campus. Thankfully it’s daylight 24/7, so no real worries of zombie attacks.

Downy woodpeckers! I took about a billion photos of these two, it was impossible to just choose one.

Doing the touristy thing with the Alaskan pipeline. Kind of anticlimactic, actually.

Caribou at the Large Animal Research Station!

D’awwww baby caribou.

Muskox! And my new arch nemesis, the seventy bajillion zillion mosquitoes of Alaska.

Muskoxen sparring! I am SO lucky to have gotten this photo.

In the Army Permafrost tunnel!

Too soon?

Time to play Kill, Sleep With, or Marry:

(If you’re not familiar with this game, you were obviously never a teenage girl. Select one person for each action)

Farrah Fawcett
Michael Jackson
Billy Mays

As awful as it would have to be to tolerate a lifetime of Billy Mays’s yelling, I still think having sex with him would be more horrible. So I’m going to say kill Michael, do Farrah, and marry Billy. Unless we’re talking Thriller-era Michael, in which case do Michael, marry Farrah, and kill Billy Mays.

Thoughts?

Am I a horrible person?

EDIT:

Me: Having sex with Billy Mays would be fucking horrible
Friend: “HI, I’M BILLY MAYS AND I’M EJACULATING IN YOUR VAGINA!”
Me: LOL
Me: omg I hate you. I’m in a computer lab and trying not to tear up and die laughing
Friend: “AFTERWARD, WE CAN CLEAN IT UP WITH KABOOM!”
Friend: “BEHOLD, THE POWER OF OXYCLEAN!”
Me: STOP IT
Me: omg a professor is laughing at me

At least he’s more horrible than I am.