Proud Boys end ‘blockade’ of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Proud Boys announced Sunday the end of their “blockade” of Chicagoland’s UFO bases.

Peter Z. Easton, a spokesperson for the group, said: “We left after we sent a clear message to all space aliens that if we don’t like you, we’ll find a way to beat you and blame you for starting it.” Easton also added that his local chapter is currently focusing on “combating drag shows, and intimidating school boards.”

According to Easton, the boycott began when the Proud Boys chapter heard rumors of aliens disguising themselves as humans. The members decided it was a form of drag performance. “Our new orders are to go after anything that’s gay. Drag is gay and that’s not OK. Especially if you’re a non-western space alien! Just between you and me, I only liked Milo Yiannopoulos because he triggered the libs.”

Despite claiming victory, officials at Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases denied the Proud Boys intimidated visitors or disrupted flights. 

An official at Clow UFO Base claimed a Proud Boy member tried to leave a bag of dog poo near an entrance. The Men in Blue “reminded” the man that the Proud Boys are still banned from Bolingbrook, and escorted him to Romeoville.  

An employee at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base accused Proud Boys of shooting at UFOs. He said: “Their guns can’t penetrate shields, so most of our visitors didn’t know they were shot at.  But one crew was able to capture a bullet and shot it back at the (Proud Boy’s) truck. I never knew one remote controlled bullet could do so much damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and we covered up the shootings as one of those mysterious booms.”

A former Proud Boy member, who asked to be called Dee, said he was abducted by aliens while looking for Peotone’s base. He said: “They taught me that biology isn’t black and white but a spectrum. I also learned that women don’t like to be bossed around by men, and being a virgin doesn’t make you stronger. I couldn’t call myself a Proud Boy after learning the truth. So I’m going to learn how to make a sandwich and strive to be a good man. I hope I can convince my former comrades of the truth.”

The mayors of Peotone and Palatine could not be reached for comment. A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said: “Are you sure you want to write about the Proud Boys?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “Absolutely not, Charlene.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “You don’t even offer an affiliate link on any of your sites?”

“Just because I urge residents to have a weather radio doesn’t mean I’m profiting off of them.”

“Expecting a donation then?”

“Don’t make me carp you again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: LGTBQ+ people need our support more than ever
Russia launches two weather attacks against Chicagoland
Image of Christopher Hitchens appears near DuPage Unitarian Church
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Chicagoland’s UFO bases reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.

Clow UFO Base

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated:  “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”

“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.

“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.

Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices.  Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time.  So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”

Jill replied:  “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math.  Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music.  As the music played, Raga said:  “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township.  Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM!  Say it with me.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that.  Get with the times, Dennis.  Purge the Left!  Stop the Steal!  Troll them all!”

Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that?  You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”

The woman said: “Caring is for commies!  We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate!  Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”

Peotone UFO Base

Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony.  Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:

“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland.  I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program.  We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents.  If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”

Rob Sherman UFO Base

Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.

“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted!  Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”

“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.

“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”

“Leave some for the residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonies send ‘peacekeepers’ to Illinois (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

Thousands of Martian Colonial marines landed in Illinois as part of a “peacekeeping force” to protect Earth’s UFO bases.

A statement from the colonial government read: “The humans who follow the orange god-emperor are threatening to perform a mass sacrifice in his honor.  Therefore it is prudent that we send peacekeepers to Earth to protect our visitors to our primitive neighbor.”

Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta greeted the marines at the Martian Colonial base built on the former site of Old Chicago.  She thanked them for their protection and their offer to disinfect Clow UFO Base before its planned reopening in February:

“We appreciate your protection against the divisiveness threatening our community,” said Alexander-Basta.  “As long as you don’t harm any good residents, you can stay as long as you want.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is a candidate for mayor in the April Consolidated election, argued with Alexander-Basta:  “I don’t care if they’re the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.  You shouldn’t be surrendering our sovereignty to them.  Only a trustee-mayor abomination like you would think that’s a good idea!”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” asked Alexander-Basta.

“No,” replied Watts.

Peotone Mayor Peter March said he was surprised by the arrival of the marines:

“They think they can just drop by and set up a military base without my permission.  Well, I guess they can.  I just wish they would have been polite about it and let me know first.  Now I have to rework our zoning map and hope no one notices.”

Reid Ottesen, the Palatine Village Manager said he was informed of the deployment in advance, and made arrangements to station the troops under the METRA station:

“Thanks to the New World Order, we were able to get Starbucks to move out of the station so we could use the space to tunnel under the station.  I know some residents aren’t happy about that, but they would have been unhappier with the original plan.  I’m not worried though.  Rob Sherman UFO Base will have extra protection, and the Colonial government promised to open a new coffee store to cover up the entrance to their base.  I just hope it’s safe for human consumption.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz then entered the video chat and said, “What’s going on?”

“I’m just telling this reporter that our village board is doing such a great job that all the incumbents, including you, will be unopposed in the upcoming election.”

“That’s right.  And this Fremd graduate did it without a political party or a bloated campaign fund.”

Representative Adam Kinzinger greeted troops as they arrived at Hub 35 in Rochelle:

“I’ve had to hide out here since I posted that video.  Good thing I didn’t succeed when I tried to shut down Hub 35. Kidding.  You know, Trump forgot the 12th Commandment.  Thou shalt not kill your fellow Republican!  The only bright spot is that there’s finally a notable difference between Jeanne Ives and myself.  That will help when I run for governor!”

Zlogot, an alien resident who lives in Creston, IL, is pleased that Martian Colonial troops are in Illinois:

“Trump is like a drug that makes humans forget about germ theory and suppresses their empathy.  Now I can fly my modified golf cart around and not worry about being shot at because I have a Biden bumper sticker!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base ‘Doomsday Crew’ survives receiving the Venus COVID vaccine
Lisle’s trees approve candidates for the April election
Aliens will be able to abduct Bolingbrook residents starting in May
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.”

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18

Web Exclusive: New World Order awards UFO bases to Peotone and Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

At a press conference in Joliet, The New World Order announced that it will build UFO Bases in Peotone and Palatine.  Both bases are expected to compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which has been controlled by the Illuminati since 2016.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

“Will County may never get a major airport,” said County Board Speaker Jim Moustis, “But we are getting a new UFO base.  I think we’ll be the only county in the country with two bases.  Just think of all the tax revenue we’ll receive.  Oh, and we’ll also be one of the most important counties in the galaxy.  You can’t forget that.”

Moustis announced that District 4 Board Member Jackie Traynere will be in charge of the county’s new Interstellar Affairs Committee:  “I wanted to appoint someone from the Republican Party, but we couldn’t get around the fact that she worked the hardest to secure this base, and has the most experience dealing with our new taxpayers—I mean aliens.”

Traynere laughed and thanked Moustis:  “Our new base will allow us to reduce the tax burden on residents of Will County.  More importantly, it will allow the board to fully fund all of its public services.  Personally, I hope that we use the extra money to provide single-payer health insurance to our residents.  At the very least, it will provide the county with resources to survive the coming chaos President Trump is going to inflict upon our country.”

Moustis shook his head.

Christian Cairy, a former candidate for Will County Board, announced that he supported the new base. (That is why he decided to withdraw from the race.) He also added that the New World Order tried to get him thrown off the ballot.

“You didn’t need to forge that Democratic ballot, but I guess it worked out because I wanted out of the race.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) was creeping me out with his Illuminati rituals.  He wanted me to drink from the Cup of Chaos, then sign a contract using ink mixed with my blood, his blood, and the trustees’ blood.  Then Roger introduced me to an alien.  It wasn’t a little green man.  It looked disgusting.  Roger said if I swore allegiance to the Illuminati, the alien would take me on a trip to Uranus. Ew!  Anyway, The NWO promised to rewrite my memories so I can go back to being an ordinary Republican.  I can’t stand knowing that the Babbler was always right.”

Cairy asked that Traynere not miss any more meetings and promise not to impose taxes on Amazon purchases.  Traynere replied her new job should give her time to attend all the meetings, and that Amazon has been paying the Illinois sales tax since 2015.

NWO administrator Thomas Xavier announced that Palatine will also get a UFO Base.  While Peotone’s base will specialize in freight transport and warehousing, Palatine’s base will specialize in passenger service and cultural exchanges.

“For years, Cook County has begged us for a UFO base.  The problem is we didn’t want to deal with the Chicago political machine, but we couldn’t deny the advantages of a base located inside Cook County.  Then, it occurred to us that if we located the base in Palatine, it would still be in Cook County, but far enough away from Chicago that Rahm Emanuel’s influence would be limited.”

Xavier then said he had to leave to give Mayor Jim Schwantz the good news:  “I’m going to have to explain aliens and secret societies to him.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he learns the truth.  However, I don’t look forward to telling him that he won’t be able to tell Representative Peter Roskam about the base.”

Neither Claar nor Schwantz could be reached for comment.

A video chat request to Roskam was answered by an intern:  “Look, I don’t know if Peter is a Democrat or Republican, but I do know that there’s no such thing as UFOs.  Why don’t you cover the real news?  Like right now is the second time Peter has spoken with a resident on the campaign trail.  Do you know how rare that is?”

The camera turned to show Roskam talking to a man sitting in a wheelchair.

“Thank you for defending the Americans with Disabilities Act,” said the man.

Roskam smiled.  “It’s the least I could do since I’m taking away your health care and Social Security.  You’re welcome.”