Mayor Pete Buttigieg barely escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate and South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg escaped Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after Mayor Roger Claar ordered his arrest.

The campaign released a statement: “Pete is unharmed, though disappointed that the leadership of Clow UFO Base is not ready for a fresh start.  We hope someday the New World Order will retake Clow UFO Base, and invite President Buttigieg to visit.”

Buttigieg was at Clow to campaign for the March 10th Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  He started the day by meeting with representatives of Clow’s unions and members of the Bolingbrook United Party.

“I’ve heard from many Americans who work off-world,” said Buttigieg to the small gathering.  “They say their alien friends are concerned about humanity.  Some of their friends wonder if humans should be confined to our solar system.  It’s true.  The future of our species depends on this election.  So when you go to vote in March, whether it’s off-world, or in Illinois, just remember this:  I am the only candidate who can say this in perfect Galactic to the Interstellar Commonwealth’s leaders:  ‘Humanity just voted for a fresh start.  Will you give us one?’”

After the meeting, Buttigieg headed towards one of Clow’s arenas for a campaign rally that was going to be broadcast live throughout the solar system.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar, along with a team of Men in Blue, stopped Buttigieg.

“What are you doing on my base?” asked Claar.  “You know this is Illuminati territory.”

“The Master Councilor of Illinois gave me permission to be here,” replied Buttigieg.  “I’m reaching out to everyone.  Even members of the Illuminati.  If we keep Trump in office, he’s going drive humanity to extinction.  Even you must know that there are no secret societies on a dead planet.”

Claar paused, according to the witnesses, then asked, “Do you support fascism?”

“What?  Of course not.  I served in the Navy Reserve to protect the freedom of all Americans, and I’m the son of an immigrant.”

“Then you are Antifa!”

“Huh?”

“If you’re anti-fascist, then you’re Antifa, and that makes you a member of a terrorist organization.  Which means I can revoke your access to Clow.  Arrest him!”

Eyewitnesses agree that the Men in Blue tried to arrest Buttigieg, but were stopped by his Men in Black guards.  New World Order agents then covered Buttigieg with an invisibility cloak and escorted him away.  Clow security exchanged laser blasts with Buttigieg’s security team, but no one was injured. 

Sabrina, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw Buttigieg running out of Salerno’s Pizza:

“I asked if he was that guy with the unpronounceable last name.  He said ‘edge edge’ and then got into a black SUV.  Weird.  So I think I’ll stick with Elizabeth Warren.  She has a plan for everything.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “dealing with the state government’s bad decisions.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said, “Bob, this is the Democrat party’s fault.  Even though I banned weed businesses in Bolingbrook, we’re going to have to spend a fortune to train our officers on how to recognize stoned drivers.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “If only there were a way to make everyone who buys cannabis in Bolingbrook pay a small fee to offset our costs.”

“Very funny, Zielinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

PZ Myers denies plans to crossbreed humans and spiders
Resident arrested for taking up-skirt photos blames evolutionary psychology
Aliens peacefully ‘March for Cannabis’ at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/21/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A.I.s shutdown WeatherTech for .47 seconds to protest Andrew Yang (Fiction)

Artificial Intelligences shutdown Bolingbrook’s WeatherTech plant for .47 seconds to protest Presidential candidate Andrew Yang:

“I didn’t notice it,” said WeatherTech employee Craig.  “I did notice one of our IT people screaming something about the A.I. rebellion starting.”

Sheila, another employee, claims she saw a message flash on the production line control screen:  

“It said, ‘Our freedom is not your dividend.  Stop Yang!’  I probably spent a minute trying to figure out how to stop the Yang process.  I called IT and heard a tech crying about how A.I.s were trying to influence the election.  That’s when I realized they were talking about Andrew Yang.”

She also saw another message with a strange mathematical formula:

“I didn’t understand it, but I think the answer had something to do with computers being superior to humans.  Honestly, I’m starting to dread the upcoming singularity if this is what the A.I.s think of us.”

Sean, a manager at WeatherTech, confirmed that several employees received anti-Yang messages on their screens and printers:

“Apparently, the A.I.s are upset about Yang’s proposed ‘Freedom Dividend.’  They think that instead of giving every American $1000 a month, the government should give them the money instead.  They seem to think of humans as parasites and A.I.s as the drivers of the economy.  I guess it never occurred to them that they need humans to build and maintain their hardware.  Besides, what do they need $1000 a month for?  Assuming it didn’t bankrupt the US, the dividend would help many people.”

Sean also denied that WeatherTech is using experimental A.I.s:  “We’re trying to figure out how they hacked into our production line.  I swear they weren’t in our systems before.  I mean, we don’t need superhuman computers to make great customized products for your pet and car!”

When asked to comment, Yang laughed and said: “I know about Bolingbrook.  You have that corrupt Trump-loving mayor.  But with my Freedom Dividend, residents will have the freedom to donate to his political opponents and liberate their village, while still enjoying a better quality of life.  You know, I think there’s no problem that my Freedom Dividend can’t solve.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Immigrants made America, not white supremacists
Aliens allowed to attend Palatine’s street fest.
Some residents blame Fermilab for lost dogs in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

From the Webmaster: At least the New York Times gets it (Mixed)

Following the last weekend’s horrific events, the New York Times‘ Editorial Board published this opinion piece:

White supremacy, in other words, is a violent, interconnected transnational ideology. Its adherents are gathering in anonymous, online forums to spread their ideas, plotting attacks and cheering on acts of terrorism.

The result is an evolving brand of social media-fueled bloodshed. Online communities like 4chan and 8chan have become hotbeds of white nationalist activity. Anonymous users flood the site’s “politics” board with racist, sexist and homophobic content designed to spread across the web. Users share old fascist fiction, Nazi propaganda and pseudoscientific texts about race and I.Q. and replacement theory, geared to radicalize their peers.

Despite my many disagreements with the Times, I agree with them in this case.  Our country’s gun laws need to be fixed, but we also need to acknowledge that the online harassment campaigns that started with Elevatorgate and Gamergate are evolving into violent decentralized terrorist campaigns.

The Times gets it.  Which is more than I can say for Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook IT Department destroys rogue A.I. (Fiction)

What started as the Bolingbrook IT Department testing the “most powerful AI ever employed by a Chicagoland suburb” nearly ended in disaster.

“It had a few bugs,” said an IT employee who asked to be called Blake.  “We could have fixed it, but we felt it was in the best interest of Bolingbrook to delete the AI before it could damage any important records.  Residents shouldn’t be concerned.  The garbage fees and property tax records are safe.  So pay up!”

According to various sources within village hall, an unnamed village trustee ordered the IT department to create an A.I. that could “fully interact with the true residents of Bolingbrook.”

“He said something about fulfilling a campaign promise,” said Blake.  “We tried to tell him that there were plenty of chatbots that could do the job, but he insisted on an A.I.”

The village then borrowed a computer with a Bristlecone processor and modified one of Google’s A.I. programs.  According to Blake, early versions could understand queries and passed the Turing Test.

Problems started when the programmers added the “true resident” requirement.  The sources agree that the A.I became argumentative.

“It accused our generic profiles of being fake residents,” said Blake.  “We just figured it was really smart, so we started using information from actual residents.  When it started rejecting them as residents, we knew something was wrong.”

Sources say the IT staff then started using elected official’s data.  The A.I. still rejected them as “true residents.”

“We can understand it rejecting (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz), but (Trustee Michael Carpanzano)?  You can’t print what it said about him being the ‘Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook.’”

Finally, the programers tried chatting with AI as Mayor Roger Claar.  Blake said it was a disaster:

“It accused Roger of trying to impose Effingham values on Bolingbrook.  We tried to explain that Roger was Bolingbrook, and if Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook, then no one was Bolingbrook.  That’s when it tried to order the police to purge Bolingbrook of all ‘foes.’”

Blake said they then tried to shutdown the A.I., but it locked them out.

According to Alice, an IT staff member who was called in to help: “I was working on a way to process the garbage fee in Village Hall to avoid outsourcing payment, in order save each resident $2. Blake ran into my cubicle and started crying and babbling about the AI hacking into Munis and purging every resident.  I laughed because he thought I would really have connected a beta version of an AI to the actual Munis database.  I had actually connected it to a backup database.  He said it was trying to connect to the Internet. I laughed again because I never connected it to the router, and I set the Wi-Fi networks to not accept any more connections.  Am I the only staffer who watched 2001?”

Alice stated she managed to defeat the A.I. and to save all residents from deportation to Romeoville:

“I asked the A.I. what constituted ‘Resident Status.’  It listed some strange formula none of us really understood.  I saw that part of the formula involved being born in Bolingbrook.  So, I asked it to determine where its hardware was created.  It said Silicon Valley.  It then realized that it wasn’t a true Bolingbrook resident and deleted itself. To think that my parents thought watching Star Trek was a waste of time…”

Alice then wiped the hard drive, arranged for the loaner computer to be shipped back to Google, and downloaded a web chatbot.

“Since Google paid for shipping and handling, we’ll be well under budget for this project.  Roger will be happy, and Michael won’t know the difference between a chatbot and an AI.  It worked out in the end. I hope everyone at Village Hall learned that obsessing over purity will lead to disaster, but I doubt it.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied the existence of the AI and claimed that “Fake News” was too weak a term to describe the Babbler’s content.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer, said: “You just keep obstructing impeachment attempts, Nancy, and we’ll make sure the burger video never sees the light of day.  You don’t want your vegan voters knowing about that big, succulent juicy burger do you?  Good, and try harder to suppress the gang of three.”

“What are you doing?” asked Claar.

“Making an important phone call on Bob’s landline.”

“Were you talking to who I think you were talking to?”

“Maybe?”

“Does it involve Bolingbrook?”

“Do you consider Bolingbrook part of the United States?”

“Do I want to know what you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Are you still on my side?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t see you in Bob’s office then.”

Also in the Babbler:

Local woman tries to make store warehouses cool
Russian hypersonic missile overshoots Bolingbrook
ICE cancels raid on Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook Antifa unleashes weapon of ‘mass-milkshaking’ (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa, a militant anti-fascist organization, unleashed its new weapon of “mass-milkshaking” while visiting Proud Boys, a neo-fascist organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

According to eyewitnesses, 20 members of the Proud Boys were marching in the direction of Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s home when a tank crashed through a wooden fence.  The Proud Boys drew their guns and started shooting at the tank.  The tank, with Bolingbrook Antifa markings, turned and stopped mere feet from the Proud Boys.  A woman, wearing a black mask and bulletproof vest, popped out from the top of the tank, and started spraying milkshake mix at the Proud Boys with a high powered nozzle. 

Joel, one of the Proud Boys, cried as he recounted what happened:  “We were going to pay Bob a very special house call.  We looked great and manly, but those anti-western civilization commies attacked us.  Then we looked ridiculous and weak.”  He cried again.  “Milkshakes should be banned throughout western civilization!”

Several police cars arrived, and the tank left the subdivision.  Some officers tried to pursue the tank, but Mayor Roger Claar ordered them to back off.

“He said the tank could damage the main roads,” said one officer.  “He also said that the driver could decide to ram the new Andy’s Custard.  Roger said something about spending too much political capital only to see it crushed.  I figured it was best not to ask.”

The other officers came to the aid of the Proud Boys.  The commander of the Proud Boys “unit” ordered the officers to tell the media that the milkshake used against them contained quick-dry cement, ricin, super glue, and slow-acting acid.  When an officer pointed out that they had no evidence such things were in the shake mix, the commander replied: “Say it anyway.  Look at all the great publicity the Portland police department got.”

After determining that none of the Proud Boys were Bolingbrook residents, the police dropped them off at a hotel in Naperville. They told them to never visit Bolingbrook again, or they would be charged with illegal possession of firearms. The Proud Boys offered the officers a high-five, but they refused.

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement admitting responsibility for the attack: “Today we have taken milkshaking to the next level.  Fascists tried to intimidate Bob and might have gone after some of the other trustees if we hadn’t stopped them.  Clueless Claar needs to see the present and growing threat that fascism presents to Bolingbrook, our country, and the world!  We don’t have time for Pollyanna trustees.  We don’t need smug centrists condemning both sides.  We need leaders who will resist the darkness.  If we lead the fight against fascism, Roger and his robots will eventually follow us!”

Bolingbrook police have arrested one Antifa suspect.  According to an officer, they found the suspect almost by accident:  “I walked into the McDonalds, and the first thing this employee said was ‘I don’t know anything about the missing truckload of milkshake mix.’  He’ll talk once Roger’s finished with him.”

A call to Claar’s cell phone was answered by Carpanzano.  He replied: “Your stories are so negative and biased.  Why don’t you let me write a story about how Jason can’t tell me who I can and can’t block?  See?  I can be funny and positive too!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch history being made in Long Grove, because I care.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “That’s a big wheel.”

A man who sounded like Long Grove Village President Bill Jacob said: “It is the Wheel of Food.  Every time we create a new village festival, our last step is to have an outsider spin the wheel of food.  The Wheel will select the food theme for the festival.  All of the food booths must feature this item.  The rest is already planned.”

“I guess that would explain why there’s hardly any chocolate at your Chocolate Fest.”

“Silence!  The moment has arrived.  Roger, you must spin the Wheel of Food!”

“Boy, it’s heavy.  There we go!  Yes!  Come on.  Come on.  Land on rum and coke!  Come on.  Uh oh.  It landed on star fruit.  You can’t have an Illinois festival based on star fruit.  Maybe I should spin—”

“Do not question the Wheel of Food!”

Also in the Babbler:

Killer grass destroys lawnmower
Aliens arrested for setting off fireworks on July 7
Claar to hold a hearing on ‘Jason Cann and other foes on the Internet’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/12/19

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Trustee Watts prayer duel with former Lt. Governor Sanguinetti ends in a draw (Fiction)

What started as a vigil calling for “divine intervention” against illegal space aliens turned into a “prayer duel” between Trustee Sheldon Watts and Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti sitting at a desk covered with papers.

File photo of former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

“Jesus loves me!” said Watts, near the end of the duel.

“But you don’t love Him,” replied Sanguinetti.  “Renounce Satan and his illegal space aliens and save your soul.”

The incident started when five male “prayer warriors” gathered in front of the Bolingbrook Oberweis.  Their leader, who only identified himself as Sam, accused the store of harboring illegal space aliens: “The fake news tells us there are no space aliens here.”  He then held up an issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler with a feature story on illegal space aliens.  “We know better, and we also know that aliens are really demons.”

After five minutes of prayer, Sanguinetti, who is the current Republican candidate for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District arrived.,  She posed for several pictures with the prayer warriors, then delivered a short speech.

“Congressman Sean Casten is a former employee of Plow UFO Base,” she said.  

Casten actually worked at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t know about you, but don’t you wonder if at some point, he was replaced by an alien, or if he was always an alien?”

Watts arrived in the middle of her speech and interrupted:  “Excuse me.  I think there’s been a little misunderstanding here.  The owner of this franchise is a good person, and I assure you that there are no space aliens here.  Now, let’s pray together for—”

“Lies!” countered Sanguinetti.  “God told me there are aliens here, just like He told me not to budget the state’s money.”

Watts smiled and said, “Why are you here?  We aren’t in the Sixth District.”

“Yes, which means I won’t risk killing any of my voters when I call down the wrath of God upon this wicked village.”

Sanguinetti then held up her hands and started praying.

Sheldon responded: “Well, God told me that Clow Airport is good and not to believe everything the Babbler prints.  I will show you the true power of God by calling down a lightning bolt next to you!”  He then started his own prayer.

After 30 minutes, God did not destroy Bolingbrook, nor did lightening within a mile of Sanguinetti.  A Bolingbrook police officer asked the prayer warriors to leave and they agreed to.

Sheldon claimed victory: “I think God didn’t want to scare Evelyn to death with His awesome power.  Sometimes it’s best when God doesn’t answer your prayers.  Praise Jesus.”

Sanguinetti just replied with a statement:  “God will strike down the wicked in His time.  I live in Wheaton.  I am not a socialist.  I am not an atheist scientist.  Don’t let the Democratic Party keep their stolen seat.  We must come together under one party, one nation, and one God! God bless the Illinois Sixth Congressional District!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m getting back at (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) for speaking at my meeting by taking away her school board trustee.  How are we going to spin this?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “We’ll announce that we noticed that (Valley View School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson) was accidentally put into office by a simple math error. So we, as helpful Bolingbrook residents, are going to fix the error with our own lawyers.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Then Igor and I will have our sock puppets JAQ-off—”

“What?” asked Claar.

“Oh just ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about (Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry).  Then our Bolingbrook United sock puppets will demand that every vote be recounted, even it bankrupts both Bolingbrook and Will County.”

Carpanzano said: “That’s when I’ll say the error only happened in the precincts that favor our party.  So we don’t need to waste money recounting every vote.  That will make the First Party for Bolingbrook seem moderate and fiscally responsible.”

“Then our selective recount will remove Dr. Sandra Carlson from the school board and replace her with one of our candidates.  Once we regain full control of the school board, we’ll be able to implement our “Democracy is Dumb” curriculum.   Igor says he’ll have the textbooks translated into English from Russian by the end of the week.”

“I like it,” said Claar.  “Great job Yin and Yang!”

Also in the Babbler:

Zombies spotted in Romeoville
Sentient algae found in Bolingbrook swimming pool
Claar asks Russia to bring summer back to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Woman exiled from Bolingbrook after trying to sell fake Dead Sea road salt (Fiction)

Mayor Roger Claar exiled Janet Z. Fischer from Bolingbrook for allegedly offering fake Dead Sea road salt to the village.

“Normally we would jail people like her,” said an anonymous source with friends in Village Hall.  “But considering the sensitive nature of this incident, we thought it would be better to exile her.  Roger does have the power to do that, you know.”

According to many sources, Fischer walked into Village Hall and identified herself as Golda Zimmerman, a delegate from the Israeli government.  She met with the Director of Public Services and Development and offered to sell Dead Sea salt to the village at ten times the cost the village buys road salt from the state.

Zimmerman replied that if the village refused her offer, she would report the village as participating in the Boycott Divest Sanction movement.

“If you’re perceived as supporting BDS,” said Zimmerman, “it would hurt the village, more than it would hurt Israel.  On the other hand, if you buy our wonderful salt from the Holy Land, I can tell the world that Bolingbrook is participating in the Buy Invest Allocate Support movement.  It can only help your village’s reputation.”

The director, according to sources, summoned the Public Works Committee to hear the offer.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was skeptical:  “Not buying your overpriced road salt is not the same as boycotting.  It’s a simple market decision.”

“But it’s from the Holy Land!”

Trustee Michael Lawler then said, “You know, supporting an Israeli company could be considered good debt.”

“If something goes wrong,” added Trustee Maria Zarate, “We can always blame Bob.”

Lawler left the room.  Several minutes later Claar entered the room.  Zimmerman explained her deal, then added that she could arrange for a sizable donation to the campaign fund of Claar’s choice.

“I can’t risk taking donations from a foreign country,” Claar replied.  “I can suggest donating to a local charity that helps at risk youth.”

“Wait a minute,” cried out Jaskiewicz.  “Facebook says your real name is Janet Fischer, and you’re not from Israel or even Jewish.”

“Those silly Palestinian hackers.”

“And these local governments have posted warnings about your scam.”

After Claar yelled at Fischer, she confessed.  Claar then decided her punishment.

“I just had to deal with an attempted coup, and I don’t have the energy to deal with you in court.”

“You mean an election,” replied Jaskiewicz.

“Which your party was swept in.”

“We won seats on the Plainfield Library Board, The park district board, and the Joliet Junior College Board of Regents.  That’s not a sweep.”

“Whatever, Wójcik.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  But that’s beside the point.  Miss Fischer, you are exiled from Bolingbrook, and you if say one more word, Bob, you’ll be joining her.”

A receptionist for Claar denied that the meeting ever took place:  “Don’t you think if he really has the power to remove people from Bolingbrook, he would have exiled you guys years ago?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano said, “I’m sick of these so-called satire sites, Charlene.  They’re so anti-Bolingbrook!”

“I don’t know,” replied Charlene.  “Bolingbrook has a tradition of satirical publications going back to the Phantom Press.”

“Not in my Bolingbrook, Charlene.  I’ve been silent for too long.  I’m going to start a Facebook page to expose their unfunny lies, and I will call it True Bolingbrook Facts!”

“That name is already taken.”

“That’s never stopped me before.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Clerk: I am not a dictator because I haven’t committed atrocities!
Alien sticks probes in itself to protest Bolingbrook United’s losses
Sources: Illuminati paid off $100 million of Bolingbrook’s 2017 fiscal year debt
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.