Sources: WeatherTech is developing radiation resistant basement liners (Fiction)

Is WeatherTech, one of Bolingbrook’s largest employers, developing liners to turn any basement into a nuclear fallout shelter? Some insiders insist they are, and WeatherTech hopes to distribute them in May.

“This marketing opportunity is too good to pass up,” said Stacy, who asked that we not use her last name. “Everyone wants protection from a nuclear attack, and WeatherTech is in the protection business. It’s a natural fit.”

Don, a WeatherTech materials specialist, explained that since rubber is resistant to radiation and WeatherTech’s products are made with rubber, it wasn’t hard to come up with prototypes. “The only problem is size. Let’s face it. A basement floor usually requires more coverage than a car floor.” 

Is this an ad for WeatherTech’s newest product?

All the sources agree that WeatherTech will sell liners that can be cut to fit the shape of any basement. WeatherTech will also sell “NukeTech” glue to attach the liners to walls and ceilings.

“We hope we never go to war, but if you live in the suburbs, we think you can ride it out inside your WeatherTech enhanced basement.  We’ll even have a line of Faraday cages to protect your electronics. You’ll be prepped in style. Too much?”

Larry Z. Carter, a Bolingbrook resident trying to read every post-apocalyptic novel, says the liners are a good idea, but they won’t be enough. “There are so many things we take for granted. Like toilets, electricity, windows, access to ammunition, and grocery stores. WeatherTech has great rubber, but you can’t eat it.”

Paula X. Carter, Larry’s wife, asked Larry if he was going to visit her parents. He replied he needed to read another novel.

“Haven’t you finished already?”

“By the time I finish one series, there are 15 more series released on Amazon. I can’t stop reading until they stop publishing. Trust me, one of those novels will come in handy when the world finally ends.”

Stacy claims the Village of Bolingbrook has already placed an order to turn Town Center into a fallout shelter. She also stressed that the liners will not protect against a nuclear blast.

“There are limits to what our products can do. Hard to believe, I know.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied knowing about WeatherTech’s proposed liners and said the village had no plans to buy any.

“If you would attend our board meetings, you’d know what the village was buying.”

Alexander-Basta then received a video chat request.  She accepted. A woman appeared on the screen. An anti-tank weapon was mounted on the wall behind her.

“This is Congresswoman Lauren Boebert,” she said. “My pronouns are big and gun.”

“Those aren’t pronouns.”

“Now they are. Anyway, tell (Former Mayor Roger Claar) that he’d better make Congressman Key Bump disappear, or I’ll tweet about Roger, and not in a good way.”

“Do I look like his secretary?”

“No. You look like you have cooties.”

“Are you an overgrown ten-year-old?”

“I am the future of the Republican Party. In fact, if I’m reelected, I will be the representative leading the 24 impeachments of President Biden.”

“24?”

“Yes. We’re going to have an impeachment a month, and I’m going to start the first one against the criminal in the White House!”

“Wait a minute. You have a criminal record, and what role did you play in the insurrection?”

“Let’s go Brandon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia launches cold air attack against Bolingbrook
Alien injured in Ukraine treated at Palatine’s UFO Base
DuPage Township wins award for its off-world programs.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/22.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Russian ‘Star Strike’ pilot captured after attempting to rob Palatine McDonald’s (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Palatine police officers arrested a Russian pilot who landed a UFO interceptor at the local McDonald’s and tried to steal its food.

Sue, an employee who asked that we not use her last name, described the attempted food heist: “First I was wondering why all these cars were speeding in the parking lot. Then when I took an order, this guy with a really bad Russian accent demanded all of our food. When I looked at the monitor, I saw he was inside a weird airplane. That’s when I pressed the panic button and quit my job.”

A recording obtained by the Babbler confirms her story. The pilot describes himself as a member of Russia’s Star Strike, a covert branch of the Russian Air Force tasked with protecting Russians from alien attacks. The pilot tells Sue, “Give me all your combo meals, all your Happy Meals, and all your dollar food!  I can pay in lead or you can give me a free discount!”

While most drive-through customers tried to escape, Gary, a recent Russian immigrant, approached the pilot. Gary described the conversation afterward: “I told the pilot Putin was making all Russian people look bad, and asked why he was helping the military commit atrocities? He said, ‘Whatabout’ and listed US atrocities like the Iraq invasion, Afghanistan, and the treatment of Native Americans. I replied, ‘What about this?’ And then I punched him.  I knocked him out. Just because the US has done terrible things doesn’t make it okay for Putin to do terrible things.”

Police officers from the Interstellar Division arrested the pilot. Both the pilot and the craft are at Palatine’s Sherman UFO Base.

According to Sheila Z. Blake, head of the Interstellar Division, the pilot was trying to secure food for Russian soldiers: “The Russian military has terrible logistics. He also has an addiction to McDonald’s food, so that’s another reason.” 

Blake added that although the craft flew through air space monitored by Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Clow officials never warned Palatine officials about the craft.

“This is yet another example of how the war between the New World Order and the Illuminati is hurting Chicagoland.”

Sherman UFO Base is affiliated with the New World Order, while Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base is affiliated with the Illuminati.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta emailed this statement to the Babbler: “This would be a good time to tell your readers which charities they should support if they want to help Ukrainian refugees.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will permanent Daylight Savings Time destroy the fabric of Space-Time?
Sentient COVID Virus accepts humanities terms of surrender
Putin vows to liberate the Ukrainian Village from the US
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Bolingbrook Snow Command clashes with Russian operatives (Fiction)

Did Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta have a Zoom meeting with President Vladimir Putin? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

While the world anxiously wonders if Russian President Vladimir Putin will invade Ukraine, Russian covert operatives clashed with Bolingbrook’s Snow Command last week.

According to anonymous Snow Command employees, Russian operatives attempted to hamper snow removal efforts. They also recorded propaganda videos accusing Snow Command of committing “atrocities.” 

Peter, who asked that we not use his real name, claims operatives filmed a propaganda video while he was plowing a side street. After his plow destroyed a mailbox, he claims three men rushed out from behind a snowbank. One man lay down on the ground and placed a piece of debris over his abdomen. The second man poured ketchup on the first man. Then the third man started filming. Peter stopped and reversed his plow.

“I was just going to tell them there was no need to be so dramatic,” said Peter. “They just need to file a claim with the village. But I heard the guy with the camera speaking in Russian. He accused me of deliberately hurting the guy on the ground. When I yelled at them, the guy pretending to provide first aid covered his ears and fell down. The camera guy shook his camera and yelled, ‘Sonic attack” in Russian. When I drove off, I saw all three of them in my rearview mirror running away.”

Annette, who asked that we didn’t use her last name, also witnessed Russian operatives recording in her neighborhood:

“After the snowplow made a snow pile in front of my driveway, these three guys dressed in black started digging into it. I thought they were being nice until one of them laid down in the hole they made. Another man pretended to dig that guy out, while the camera guy accused the plow driver of burying a Russian immigrant. He also accused the driver of being Ukrainian. So I told them that if they cleaned my driveway after filming their video, I wouldn’t call the FBI on them. They may have been filming propaganda to justify a horrific war, but they did a great job cleaning my driveway!”

Lou, a snowplow driver for Snow Command, claims Russian operatives tried to disrupt his route. According to Lou, he claims a pickup truck pulled in front of him and skidded to a stop:

“I barely stopped before hitting the pickup truck. I leaned out the window and yelled, ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ Then I noticed a cameraman in the truck’s bed. He thanked me for the dramatic footage and for saying something they can twist. Then he drove off. I have a bad feeling that I’m going to be featured in a Russian false flag operation. Please let your readers know I don’t hate all people. I just hate people who don’t know how to drive near a snowplow.”

According to sources within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta responded with a Zoom call to Putin. They also provided a partial transcript:

Alexander-Basta: As a global woman of excellence, I insist you stop harassing Snow Command. Leave us out of your propaganda!

Putin: Could you speak up?

Alexander-Basta: Could you move closer to the speaker? I’m on Zoom. There’s no need for you to sit at your long table.

Putin: (Speaks in Russian)

Translator: It is Russian tradition not to sit close to anyone who refuses to provide a DNA sample.

Alexander-Basta: I doubt that.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a woman held up a cutout of Alexander-Basta to her face and approached Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Woman: (Imitating Alexander-Basta’s voice): I’m inviting my supporters over to your house for a ‘Legitimate Political Discourse.’ What do you have to say?

Watts: I’m kind of busy right now, Charlene.

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer: Sorry, the word we were looking for was “No.”

Watts: What?

Spencer: You’ve been voting with Mayor Mary too often. If you don’t find a way to distinguish yourself from the Something Bolingbrook Something First Something Party, you’re not going to be reelected… Unless you’re planning on begging for (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) forgiveness!

Watts: Charlene, I’ve told you before, it’s too early to think about the 2023 election. I will not oppose Mayor Basta’s platform for purely political reasons.

Spencer: Not to stop her from appointing trustees?

Watts: Charlene. I like Trustee Jean Kelly. She’s had more years of community service work than you.

Charlene: You’ll be back to community service work if you don’t start voting no. Think about it from a voter’s perspective. “Wow. Mayor Mary is always right. She says I should vote for these three candidates. Sheldon says we should reelect him, but Mayor Mary says we shouldn’t. There’s no difference between her candidates and Sheldon. Why should I stop trusting her now?”

Watts: Some days you really get on my nerves.

Charlene: Fine. You can vote with her all you like then. I’ll have my new bots tell a different story in Bolingbrook Politics.

Watts: No!

Charlene: I knew that word was in your vocabulary.

Also in the Babbler:

UFO traffic diverted from Ukraine to Clow UFO Base
Editorial: Overfunding the police won’t fix crime
Palatine Township: No aid for shapeshifters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Russians Interceptors attack craft over Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.

“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III.  This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”

According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force.  The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked.  The crew attempted to flee.

Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”

Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)”

Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.

Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.

Watts: Campaign books?

Spencer: Yeah.  We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.

Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?

Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.

Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.

Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.

Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?

Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.

Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?

Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category.  You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.

Also in the Babbler:

Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2022 (Fiction)

Will Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta make history in 2022? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

After failing to predict the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, our psychics made a strong comeback with their 2021 predictions. The psychics correctly predicted the insurrection and that people would escape through tunnels. They also predicted that President Biden would still be in office at the end of the year, and that he would face many challenges.

We believe our psychics are back on track, and we have the utmost confidence in their predictions for 2022. However, please keep in mind that the future is not set, and posting these predictions could alter the future. Just like we believe that there were no petition challenges for the 2021 election because we predicted the election board would throw all the candidates off the ballot.

So here is what you can expect in the new year:

***

The largest Greenland ice sheet collapse in history will cause the largest tsunami ever, devastating the East Coast. Despite the wave reaching portions of West Virginia, Sen. Joe Manchin will refuse to approve disaster relief or support the Build Back Better plan. He will deny that he really wants a massive bailout for the coal industry.

“We have too much debt, and rebuilding the eastern half of our country costs too much. It’s far cheaper for the affected states to be just like West Virginia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Kentucky to recover my yacht.”

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will say she supports rebuilding Washington DC,  but will be blunt in her opposition to expanded disaster relief:

“What’s in it for me?”

***

Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta will raise eyebrows around Chicagoland when she flies the Thin Bread Crust flag over village hall. She will defend her decision like this:

“Delivery Drivers have one of the most dangerous occupations, yet their work is vital to keeping Bolingbrook’s restaurants open. We honor police officers for their bravery, but have yet to honor members of an occupation with a higher fatality rate. This week, I’m correcting that.”

Bolingbrook’s police unions will not comment about her decision until much later.

***

Elon Musk’s love for the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe hosts will grow. Tesla and Space X will spend millions of dollars advertising on the podcast. Musk will also become a regular guest, and his arguments with Dr. Steven Novella over COVID-19 will be legendary. Jay Novella will say, “Man, Elon, just sitting next to you gets me high.”

Musk will arrange for the rogues to ride on the second Starship orbital test flight. The flight will end in disaster when the Super Heavy Booster explodes during takeoff, and Starship crashes into the ocean. The hosts will survive with injuries.

“You know,” Cara Santa Maria will say, “You really should install an escape system on Starship. Even airliners have inflatable slides.”

Despite the initial hard feelings, things will improve when Elon buys the rights to be called the founder of the SGU.

***

In what will be known as the “Cop Coup,” Bolingbrook police officers will arrest the village board before they can vote to legalize all garbage toters. The officers will accuse the board of “conspiring to distribute a federally illegal substance,” because the board were also debating the merits of allowing a cannabis dispensary in Bolingbrook.

As a result, Trustee Michael Carpanzano will be installed as the new mayor of Bolingbrook:

“Gee, I’m getting messages from residents who feel strongly about this sudden police action. Regardless of how you feel, I think we can all agree that the police have a demanding job. So I urge all residents to come together and support our officers. Without them, we would descend into anomie.”

Village Co-Administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman will rush into the boardroom and demand the immediate release of the board because the police budget doesn’t have an insurrection line item. When asked how they intended to enforce their order without the police, the Co-Administrators will reply that they contacted Bolingbrook ANTIFA, and if the police do not stand down, they will post screenshots of every officer’s embarrassing social media posts online.

“All of you will suffer a fate worse than death. You will be canceled!”

The officers will surrender and resign. Carpanzano will step down as mayor. Alexander-Basta will be reinstalled as mayor. She will sentence  Carpanzano to one year of house arrest, so he cannot leave his home.

“As of today, you are grounded!”

Historians will then spend years debating whether Alexander-Basta is the second mayor in Bolingbrook’s history to serve non-consecutive terms.

***

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will become an Amazon best seller in the category of “Books set in Bolingbrook that Don’t Mention Drew Peterson”.

***

When polls suggest the Democrats might keep control of the House of Representatives, Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis will send his Florida State Guard to the temporary national capitol in Chicago to arrest President Joe Biden and all Democratic members of Congress.

“I must do what President Trump failed to do,” DeSantis will say. “I will stop the steal, and I urge all patriotic law enforcement officials to join me. It will work this time because Steve Bannon isn’t involved!”

Biden will respond by mobilizing all military branches to defend Chicago.

“Here’s the deal,” Biden will say. “We have elections. Fair elections. If you want me out of office, vote me out. Don’t send an army. That’s not how we do things.”

As the Florida State Guard and their Russian military “advisors” approach Chicago, Speaker Nancy Pelosi will send out an urgent text message.

“Our Democratic majority is in danger. DeSantis and his Republican army are marching towards us as I’m typing. Democracy is in danger and we might lose the opportunity to talk about passing the John Lewis Voting Rights Act.

“We’re also in danger of missing our FEC monthly fundraising deadline.  If every Democrat like you donates…”

Also in the Babbler:

New UFO noise regulations to take effect in Palatine
Sources say: Russia training new recruits to flood Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups
Valley View mothers urge board to ban the teaching of germ theory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/21

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Former congressman Dan Lipinski triggered a riot at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue. 

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:

“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”

Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters.  According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:

“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”

The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer.  Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.”  He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”

Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.”  When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.

She said:  “As the residents of the #NewIL06 know, the first rap song was actually ‘Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),’ and you can only find real Chicago-style pizza at Home Run Inn.”

Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”

“Hey,” Casten replied. “Just because I used to be a CEO does not mean I’m a Corporate Democrat. I have very nuanced views about climate change and universal healthcare.”

“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”

Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me.  I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”

The riot started moments later.

Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order. 

According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked.

“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”

“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”

At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated:  “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”

Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”

Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.”  She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”

Also in the Babbler:

Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

ACLU statement: Kyle Rittenhouse didn’t act alone (Non-fiction)

I agree with the ACLU that law enforcement must be held accountable for their role in Kenosha shootings on 8/25/21:

As our investigation illustrates, approximately 40 local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies responded to the protests in Kenosha, utilizing various forms of force against protestors. This massive show of force failed to keep people safe — and in fact facilitated grave harm by pushing protesters into close proximity with Kyle Rittenhouse and other armed white civilians. The violence that night is a further reminder that well-resourced law enforcement agencies are failing to protect and even harming the communities they are sworn to serve. It’s time to acknowledge this failure and invest in measures that actually keep communities safe.

I know people who have lived or are living in Kenosha. The verdict is disappointing, but not surprising. There should be changes to Wisconsin’s self-defense laws, but due to Gerrymandering, it won’t happen. More likely, we’re going to see more political violence from Rittenhouse fanboys, and possible retaliation by armed progressives. If that happens, we’ll all lose from the resulting political destabelization of US.

I guess this decade will be known as the Raging 20s.

New World Order conspires to force a primary between Rep. Casten and Rep. Newman (Fiction)

Will Rep. Sean Casten be denied another term by the Illuminati?

The New World order claimed responsibility for Illinois’ current Congressional redistricting plan that forces Democratic Representatives Sean Casten and Marie Newman into the same district.

Z1, the NWO’s newest Illinois administrator, spoke during a presentation in Lisle:  “This gerrymandering plan will demolish the Illuminati’s plans to destroy the United States’ democracy. We will take out at least one Illuminati aligned Republican, and possibly take out Illuminati Congresswoman Newman with the foolishly neutral Congressman Casten at the same time!  Sean chose not to take sides in the great war for the fate of human civilization. Sean, when you stand in the middle of a battlefield, both sides will shoot at you!”

Z1 then announced that former Representative Dan Lipinski will be the NWO’s candidate for the proposed Sixth Congressional District.

“Flip the Sixth back to me!” said Lipinski.  “I am honored that Z1 has selected me to restore America as the country that will rule the world.  I’m glad that the NWO will support my efforts to rescue my Congressional seat from that woman.  The Democratic party doesn’t need so-called progressive leaders.  It needs leaders who are willing to reject (Homophobic term deleted) privileges, ban Abortion, and make health care unaffordable again!”

The Illuminati and New World Order have been at war since 2016 when Illuminati forces launched a surprise attack following the election of President Donald Trump.  The Illuminati seized, and continues to control, most of Earth’s UFO Bases.  In Illinois, the Illuminati control Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, while the NWO hold Rochelle’s Hub 35, Peotone UFO Base, and Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine.  

While most Democratic politicians align with the New World order, there are exceptions.  Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger is a member of the New World Order.  Newman, like The Squad, is a member of the Illuminati.  Newman, however, has spoken out against the Illuminati’s efforts to spread global chaos.  She shares The Squad’s desire to turn the Illuminati into a “disruptive force working for the good of all humanity.”

Casten, a former employee at Clow, has always maintained his neutrality, and has advocated for reducing the role that all secret societies have in managing Earth’s UFO Bases.  Since his election in 2018, he has asked both the Illuminati and NWO to use their influence to combat global warming.

The Illuminati released a statement saying they were not worried about the NWO’s redistricting plan:

“The Illinois Democratic Party and their NWO masters are just rearranging chairs on a sinking ship.  Our Republican operatives will soon control the elections in the rest of the country.  Democracy will fall, and Illinois will be isolated.  In four years, the leaders of Illinois will have to face reality.  They can either surrender, or beg Canada to annex the Chicago area.”

Casten, Lipinski, and Newman couldn’t be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens allowed to go trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Trump announces his own secret society: The Trumpinati
Mayor Lightfoot threatens to hire weredogs to replace unvaccinated cops
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

British secret agent leaves trail of destruction in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”

Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano.  The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards.  The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.

“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified.  “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”

A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema.  According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries.  The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.

“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied.  “I just want to be the center of attention.  And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”

“A place in the Republican Party?”

“No, silly.”  Sinema giggled.  “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green.  Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”

“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.

“Whatever,” Sinema replied.  “You still haven’t given me anything.”

“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”

“Not anymore.  I now have a  new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”

“You’re mad!” said the agent.  “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”

“So?” Sinema asked.  “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me.  They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”

According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.

“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema.  “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”

“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God.  I signed up to purge Democrats.  Count me out of this.”

“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.

At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman.  Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent.  The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.  

“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness.  “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”

Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines. 

“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.

Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:

“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away.  Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me.  It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona.  Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller.  One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt.  I barely got out before they crushed my car.  I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car.  She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’  The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”

Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent.  The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.

“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said.  “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”

Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:

“Of course I’m not answering your question.  You’d stop paying attention to me if I did.  Don’t hang up!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:

“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.