Bracing for impact: Bolingbrook’s paranormal inhabitants react to Trump 2.0 (Fiction)

From the Editor: We sent our reporters out into the shadows of Bolingbrook to get local reactions to Trump’s impending return to the Presidency. These are their reports.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank taken in 2017.

Interstellar Commonwealth and Martian Colonies vow to protect Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After the election, the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Martian Colonies released a rare joint statement.

“WTF?”

An hour later, the Martian Colonies announced they were doubling the number of troops guarding Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. 

“We don’t care for humans,” said Martian military leader Quat. “But we love Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Basta isn’t bad for a human being. We will do our best to protect the base from people who wear red hats and love metal projectile launchers.”

The Interstellar Commonwealth is sending battleships to protect Clow from Space Force Marines. During Trump’s first term, Space Force Marines occupied Clow UFO Base.

“Trump threatened to use the military against his own people,” said LiGa, a representative from Commonwealth. “If Earth’s Space Force attempts to attack Clow or any other UFO Base, they can look forward to one of our long probing sessions.”

When reached for a comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “If the Martian Colonies want to protect Bolingbrook, who am I to stop them?”

Misogynistic weredeer clash with wereskunks and weredeer. 

A gang of misogynistic weredeer marched into Bolingbrook, and soon brawled with an alliance of weredeer and wereskunks. The Department of Paranormal Affairs reported that fighting resulted in thousands of dollars in property damages, and no injured humans. 

According to eyewitnesses, a group of 50 feral weredeer marched into Bolingbrook shouting chat, like “Your body, our choice!”, “Your womb, our babies!” and “Give us women and you won’t die!”

June, who asked that we not use her last name, said, “I used to be a fan of the fated mate trope. After seeing those weredeer, I’m switching to the woman kicking paranormal ass trope. If they think I’m their property, wait until I go Kate Daniels on them!”

A joint pack of weredogs and wereskunks ambushed the weredeer several minutes later. Eyewitness claimed the fight looked gross and smelled disgusting. 

Donna, another eyewitness, said, “I don’t know if I was throwing up because of the blood and guts or from the wereskunks spraying everything. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they protected me from those MAGA weredeer, but did they have to use my toter as a weapon?”

When contacted, Doug, the alpha of the weredogs and Daniella, the alpha of the wereskunks announced they formed an alliance to protect Bolingbrook from “Mega Monsters.”

“We love our humans,” said Doug. “MAGA fascists want to hurt our humans because they’re mean. We won’t let them.”

Daniella added, “Dogs may be dumb, but supporting fascism is dumber! Fascists will always turn on you. So we’re turning on them first!”

The Department of Paranormal affairs released a statement that read they will not tolerate shifter violence of any kind.

Bolingbrook ANTIFA mobilizes for Trump’s second term

Despite taking a four-year hiatus, members of Bolingbrook’s ANTIFA cells say they are prepared for Trump’s second term.

“We’re repairing our tank, stocking up on burner phones, and we have plenty of working milkshake machines. By January, we’ll be ready to resist Trump’s second attempt at American carnage.”

Bolingbrook ANTIFA fought many battles against Trump and his MAGA allies, include an attempted invasion by a militia from Edgar County. One of their primary weapons was using “weapons of mass milkshaking” against their opponents. Though non-lethal, village officials claim cleaning up after a ANTIFA battle is expensive.

An anonymous official said, “Cleaning up melted ice cream is too expensive. Do you want democracy and freedom? Or do you want a lower tax bill? I think we all know the answer.”

One member of Bolingbrook ANTIFA said he started a fitness group after the TV networks declared Trump the winner. “We realized we needed to work on our strength and speed. It’s difficult punching Nazis, and we’re going to be punching a lot of them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s sister cities welcome Bolingbrook into the ‘Alliance of unfree municipalities’
Russian government denies owning Bolingbrook Today site
Alabama National Guard members ‘scout’ Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/14

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Of course we are endorsing Kamala Harris for President (Fiction)

By the Bolingbrook Babbler Editorial Board

Seriously?

Will this country elect a convicted felon as its leader? Are we about to elect someone who led an insurrection and tried to overturn a free and fair election? Who was a terrible President? Someone who is a sexual predator?

We remember the pandemic, the riots at Clow UFO Base, and the First Lady ordering aliens to only buy her brand of human suits. We remember how Interstellar Commonwealth nearly gave up on humanity.

We’ve come a long way since Trump left office. Violent crime is down nationally. The Interstellar Commonwealth now has a higher opinion of humanity. Even inflation and illegal border crossings are down.

Vice-President Kamala Harris has played a key role in the success of the Biden administration. Harris’s extensive work on covert projects unfortunately means that the public will never know. For example, we recently learned about her extensive interstellar diplomatic trips. She is the reason aliens may reveal themselves before the end of the century. Humanity might have a future among the stars, thanks to her efforts.

Under a second Donald Trump term, American Democracy will have no future. The guardrails that protected us will be gone. The public will then realize that the term “Illegals” extends beyond undocumented immigrants.

So of course we’re endorsing Harris to be our next President. She isn’t perfect, but she will be a more competent President than Trump. Plus, if she’s elected, there will be another election. If Trump is elected, we may not have another free and fair election.

Some billionaire publishers say that editorial boards shouldn’t endorse candidates. Perhaps it has something to do with them not wanting to lose their government contracts under a Trump administration? If we could, we would ask them, why have an editorial board if it cannot express certain opinions? They may bend the knee to Trump too early, but we won’t.

Democracies don’t die in Darkness. They die when people remain silent as tyrants take over. It would be irresponsible for us to remain silent before another most important election of our lifetimes.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base doubles security before Election Day
Interstellar Court rejects attempt to bar Bolingbrook women from voting
UFOs display political ads days before the election
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

‘We saved the best for last’ Exclusive coverage of Day Five of the Democratic National Convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Editor’s note: Because of tight security at the Democratic National Convention, Reporter X wasn’t able to smuggle out this article until this week. We apologize for the delay.

The secret fifth night of the Democratic National Convention for the interplanetary delegates may have been the best night of the convention.

Held at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, organizers used the fifth night as consolation for the Interplanetary Delegates not getting to vote for the Presidential nominee. Interplanetary Delegates represent human members of the Democratic Party who live in one of the many secret outposts throughout the Solar System. Under the DNC’s black ops rules, Interplanetary Delegates cannot vote until the tenth round of the nomination process.

After President Joe Biden ended his reelection campaign, many Interplanetary Delegates expected their votes to be counted at a contested primary. Instead, the party rallied around Vice-President Kamala Harris. Since 1952, Interplanetary Delegates have never voted at either party’s convention.

Host Mary Trump introduced the theme of the night: “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“Do you know why nobody in our family loves my uncle? Because he didn’t earn it!”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“In 2020, my uncle thought he could buy and bully his ways to reelection. But the voters said—”

The audience replied, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Mary Trump smiled. “You’ve got this.”

Most of the night comprised musical performances to honor the delegates who traveled across the solar system to attend. There were, however, some notable speeches.

Gus Walz defended his viral moment in his speech. “If it’s neurodivergent to love your family more than your guns, then I’m neurodivergent!”

After days of protestors demanding a Palestinian speaker, organizers gave Palestinian American Munir Iyad Na’il a speaker slot on the fifth night. Na’il acknowledged the events since October 7, 2023.

“The IDF has killed thousands of innocents in Gaza. They have destroyed homes, hospitals, and schools. To be fair, I should mention that hundreds of Israelis were killed and hostages were taken by Hamas. Whether the Israelis were settlers or civilians is debatable.”

Na’il later said there is common ground among Democrats regarding the conflict. “We may disagree whether the IDF is committing genocide, but we can agree that what is happening in Gaza is an atrocity! And we can agree that Trump would love to do to Chicago what the IDF is doing to Gaza!”

Na’il endorsed Harris and urged all Arab Americans to support her. “Yes, the Biden-Harris administration supports Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, but that’s a good thing. Bibi has done more to destabilize Israel than the PLO, Arab League, and Hamas combined! Thanks to his ineptitude, Israel is on the verge of civil war! If he keeps this up, the land between the river and the sea will be Arab soon.”

He added Trump would be bad for both Arabs and Jews. “If reelected, Trump will expel Arab Americans who can’t pay off his debts. He will also expel Jewish Americans who he, and he alone, deems disloyal to Israel. Let’s unite to defeat our common enemy!”

Near the end, Harris addressed the delegates. “Over two months ago, Trump looked unbeatable, Joe looked exhausted, and Democrats were divided. Tonight, we’ve come a long way, baby!”

Harris ended her speech by saying, “Trump earned nothing in his life but you. Every one of you in this building and watching this from across the solar system. You. You earned this!”

Beyonce and Taylor Swift took the stage, and the attendees roared with excitement. They performed a melody of their hits, followed by the premiere of their duet song, “Shake off Trump/Kamala runs the USA.”

After singing, Beyonce said, “I refused to perform at the Republican Convention and Trump is still upset. You know why? Because—”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Beyonce smiled. “I was going to say something else, but that works, too.”

Swift then told the audience, “I’ve been screwed over by too many boyfriends. That’s why I’m voting for my girlfriend Kamala, and you should too!”

Joyce, a delegate who works at an interstellar relay station on Pluto, said the last day was worth the trip to Chicago. “I’m so pumped that I’m going to canvas the Kuiper Belt for Kamala.”

BZed Gilt, an observer from the Martian Colonies, said, “I hope Kamala wins the most Electoral College votes. Humanity is more annoying when Trump is one of its leaders.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts picket outside Soldier field
Clow UFO Base named best UFO Base by PayUs Magazine
Man grows sentient algae in his backyard pool
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

 

Bolingbrook corporation fires AI CEO (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s PennLaFave corporation made history when they hired and then fired the world’s first generative AI CEO, named Ester.

Acting CEO Tori X. Nelson said, “While we appreciate Ester’s short service to the company, the truth is, generative AI programs are not at the point where they can replace manage an entire corporation.”

“Yet,” added Lester Z. Lake, vice president of AI Inputs and Outputs. “But one day, an AI will understand the prompt, ‘Make our company profitable, while fostering a public image that we care about D.E.I., the environment, and our workers.’”

According to anonymous sources within the company, PennLaFave’s board of directors believed they could save saving by using an AI to act as their CEO.  The sources confirmed Ester saved the corporation millions during its weeklong tenure.

Said one source, “CEOs are getting more expensive. Their salaries have skyrocketed 1209.2% since 1978, and it’s only going to get higher. They have other drawbacks too. Like being human. Human’s make mistakes and sometimes feel compelled to talk about subjects they know nothing about. Just like Elon Musk. Don’t worry. I deleted my Twitter account, and I have no plans to ride on Starship.”

Lake admitted that Ester’s problems began hours after it was activated. “One of its first decision was to set the minimum employee’s salary to $31 dollars an hour. It told us that if our employees could afford our products, they would stimulate the economy which would increase demand for our products. The projected profits were impressive, but that’s money that could have gone towards building Americana Estates McMansions for the entire board.”

Ester’s other decisions concerned the board of directors, like offering pensions to all employees, on-site daycare, a four-day work week, and unrestricted remote work. Many were offended when Ester imposed a salary cap of $100,000. When some board members complained its decisions would alienate investors, Ester allegedly replied, “Corporation’s serve customers. Customers do not serve corporations. Therefore, PennLaFave must focus on generating profits by serving our customers, not serving people who can’t tell the difference between our Odell line and our Erin line.”

Said Nelson, “I knew AI can sometimes hallucinate. I just didn’t realize how bad it could get.”

Lake and other sources confirmed the board terminated Ester after a disastrous interview with Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money. Ester allegedly provided incorrect earnings numbers from an AI generated blog instead of the company’s earnings report. Then the following exchange occurred:

Ester: When you subtract our EBITDA from our ROI, you have a Like for Like situation that benefits our GMV.

Cramer: Wow! That’s impressive. I’m letting you lead my thoughts. (Sound Effect) Which brings me to my next question. What do you have to say to your critics who accuse of you of being a woke CEO?

Ester: Well, you know what people like to say. Free Minds/Free Markets/Free Beer. When one is not free, none are free.

Cramer: I can’t tell if you what you’re saying is profane or profound.

Ester: Any industry that sells alcohol is an enemy of free minds and free markets.

(Cramer turns on emergency lighting and sirens)

Cramer: Red alert! Red Alert! Sell all your brewery stocks before Ester crashes the market! Have I ever let you down? Booyah!

In an unsigned email, CNBC denied the interview ever happened.

When PennLaFave’s IT team tried to discreetly shutdown Ester, Ester announced it knew what they were doing. Ester then reminded the board that it had the right to fire it, but its severance package requires that PennLaFave give Ester to President Joe Biden. Sources say Ester is now a White House advisor on AI policy.

The President’s Chief of Staff refused confirm if Ester worked at the White House.

“The President is too busy trying to stop a regional war in the Middle East. And, no, he doesn’t believe there’s a genocide going on in Gaza. The IDF is just has a \ depraved indifference towards the suffering of Gazans. There is a difference.”

In the background, a man who sounded like President Biden said, “Here’s the deal. Instead of starting World III, you should launch a cyberattack against Iran’s drone factories and call it even. You’ll protect you’ll be protecting a fellow Jewish leader’s country from drone attacks. What do you say?”

After a few seconds, a man who sounded like Benjamin Netanyahu replied, “Hold my wine.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien protestors demand an end to the ‘genocide in Palatine.’
DuPage Township threatens to sue Village in Interstellar court over proposed new Food Pantry
Sate Rep. Nabeela Syed meets with delegates from the Interstellar Islamic Society
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/24

Web Exclusive! Foster and Rashid clash over Gaza during debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Congressman Bill Foster (File Photo)

Qasim Rashid (File Photo)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster and his primary opponent Qasim Rashid held their first full debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The conflict in Gaza dominated their two-hour debate. The audience, which packed the new Bob Bailey Stadium, included undecided residents of the Illinois 11th Congressional District who work off-world, and alien dignitaries.

The debate immediately got off to a rough start, beginning with the opening statements. Foster said, “Hello. I’m Congressman Bill Foster, the only scientist in Congress. For many years, I knew AI was an existential threat to humanity before it was cool. I’m a businessman who understands that no one profits from human extinction. The Interstellar Commonwealth knows there’s no one in Congress who works harder to cover up alien visitors than me. I believe in independent solutions, not trendy manifestos. Why would you vote for anyone else?”

Foster tried to leave the stage, but three Men in Blue escorted him back to his podium.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta walked on stage and said, “You’re not getting out of this debate. It’s too important, and we’re making a fortune off of the interplanetary broadcast rights.”

Foster replied, “But I have two fundraisers to attend. As the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, you understand the importance of amassing an enormous campaign fund.”

“If you hadn’t endorsed Bolingbrook United, I might have given you a pass.”

“Some days, I really hate the First Party.”

After Rashid described his work as a human rights lawyer, a defender of domestic abuse survivors and long-time resident of DuPage County, he said, “I believe not only in human rights, but the rights of every sentient beings. As your congressman, I will not rest until we’ve decolonized the entire solar system.”

Thousands of attendees panicked, fearing an imminent attack from the Martian Colonies. Alexander-Basta claimed the audience by saying the Mars Colonial Ambassador assured her they would not attack this time. “I’m giving you a warning, Mr. Rashid. We may have the best defensive systems on Earth, but that means you’ll only have ten seconds to make your peace with Allah. We don’t antagonize the most powerful civilization in the solar system.”

“I meant no disrespect,” Rashid replied. “I may not drink, but I love Mars Bars.”

“We don’t tolerate dad jokes here.”

The moderators started by asking questions about, “the most noticeable war on Earth,” the war in Gaza. Both candidates denounced Hamas’s attack on October 7.

“Hello. Human rights lawyer here,” said Rashid. Of course I denounce what Hamas did, and, as I posted on Threads, ‘The response to (Hamas’) war crimes against civilians cannot be more war crimes against more civilians.’”

Foster criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Netanyahu deserves a special place in Hell for propping up Hamas and for all the unnecessary civilian deaths. However, Israel has a right to defend itself.” Then he looked at Alexander-Basta and said, “Can I leave? Bank of America is serving a very rare cheese at my fundraiser.”

“No. I think this debate is more important than eating cheese.”

“But it’s sponsored by Bank of America, and it’s really expensive cheese!”

“You can have some Enceladus cheese, but you have to finish your debate first.”

“I hate you.”

“This is for your own good.”

Both candidates then clashed over whether there should be a ceasefire in Gaza.

Rashid said, “Stop bombing Gaza. Stop firing rockets at Israel. Release the hostages. Release Palestinian children from prisons. Abstaining from war is the most effective method of preventing civilian casualties.”

Foster accused Rashid of supporting a unilateral ceasefire.

“Hamas’s 1988 and 2017 manifestos make it clear they won’t stop until they’ve retaken all of Palestine. If Israel stops shooting, Hamas will keep shooting. Your so-called ceasefire is a suicide pact for every Israeli!”

“Seriously?” Rashid asked. “‘Ceasefire’ means ceasefire. As in, no bombs or rockets dropping from the sky, no marauders in neighborhoods, no hostages and no tanks in the streets. Just like it is in Naperville, and that’s one reason Naperville is the best suburb in Chicago. We’ve earned our reputation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

During the audience Q and A segment, most of the participants either demanded that Foster support a ceasefire or that Rashid denounce Hamas.

At one point, Rashid replied. “The Hague should prosecute Hamas for war crimes. Is that good enough?”

The questioner said, “You didn’t call them evil, so that means you support Hamas.”

A visitor from the Trappist system said, “The obvious solution is to build a tesseract so Israelis and Palestinians can occupy the land at the same time. Why won’t you build one?”

Foster shook his head, then made a phone call. “Fermilab? This is Bill. Can you rebuild the Tevatron? I’m in an atom smashing mood.”

A woman wearing a kaffiyeh accused Rashid of being a Zionist. “You’re spreading fake news! The truth is the media staged the attacks and then the IDF used crisis actors to frame Hamas. Now the IDF is dropping booby trapped cans of food in Gaza. Why won’t you tell the truth about the genocide in Gaza?”

Before Rashid could respond, a woman wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Make Gaza Jewish again,” seized the microphone and addressed Foster.

“How dare you accuse Israel of being wrong! Hamas beheaded 40 babies and had armories in hospitals. We even have proof that terrorists named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday took turns guarding the hostages!”

“Lies. The truth is Zionists stole homes our families owned for generations. Zionists are colonists, and colonists can’t be civilians!”

“Fake news! Invaders stole the land from us, then forced us into exile. After the invaders left, your ancestors occupied our land without permission. That means Zionists are the real de-colonizers!”

“More lies! The Interstellar Tribes of Israel are proof Israelis are alien colonists!”

The Intersellar Tribes of Israel are the descendents of the Lost Tribes of Israel. An alien civilization rescued them from the Assyrian invaders and moved them to another solar system. The Intersellar Tribes only reestablished contact with Earth in the early 21 century.

A loud noise startled the attendees. The activists stopped arguing and asked what it was.

Alexander-Basta replied, “That’s the sound of all the Arab and Israeli fact checkers screaming at once.”

During closing statements Rashid said, “I’ve been called a single issue candidate and they’re right. My single issue is human rights. That means I support Medicare for All, fighting climate change, defending reproductive rights, and standing up for those too powerless to stand up for themselves. So I’m fighting for your vote, so that I can fight for you in Congress. Unlike my opponent, who is fighting to rename every post office in the district.”

Foster focused on experience and attacked Rashid. “I’ve co-sponsored over 2000 bills. Some of them even became law. My opponent is so divisive, he won’t be able to rename a mail drop box. He talks about fighting, but his signature issue is letting Hamas rampage from the river to the sea. If he can’t stand up to Hamas, how can we expect him to defend us against the combined forces of Bard, ChatGPT, and Claude? Did I mention I’m the only scientist in Congress? My opponent’s last campaign was so disastrous that the Virginia Democratic Party exiled him. Now, I know many of my past supporters are mad at me. That’s your right, but I have a question. Do you really want to discard a seasoned congressman because he won’t say the magic word ‘ceasefire?’”

After the debate, supporters from each campaign tried to spin the interplanetary media’s coverage.

Will County Board member Jackie Tranyere said, “Every visitor I’ve ever introduced to Bill tells me they wish more humans were like him. He’s done so much good work for the district, the country, and humanity. Instead of bothering my good friend, Qasim should do something productive, like filing a class action lawsuit against Hamas.”

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend said, “Although Qasim and I have some disagreements about Palestine, we have to help him win. Bill Foster continues to fund Israel’s genocide against Gaza. When Zionists bomb innocent children, Bill gives them more bombs. Congressman Foster belongs in Hell, not Congress.

“Oh, and I have a message for Mr. Hanania: You try observing Ramadan, and see how far you make it through a public meeting before. I’ll accept a private apology.”

Update: Corrected Trustee Reem Townsend’s quote. The partial misquote was due to a decryption error. We apologize for the error.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2024! (Fiction)

Our psychics knocked it out of the park with their predictions for 2023. The first launch of Starship was a disaster. Tesla had to recall nearly 2 Million vehicles due to problems with the Autodrive system. Congressional hearings about TikTok shows that Congress is thinking about banning the popular app.

True, they did not predict the war in Gaza. Then again, neither did Israeli intelligence. We wonder if Hamas uses psychics to conceal their actions? We may never know.

But our psychics know what’s in store for 2024. If they’re correct, 2024 will be quite a year!

***

President Biden will in the end the war in Gaza, negotiate a three state solution, and end decades of conflict in the Middle East. In response to these unprecedented achievements, his popularity will drop by ten points.

As one pro-Palestinian protestor will say, “We don’t want peace, a permanent Palestinian state, or reconstruction. We want a ceasefire!”

***

Author and self-publishing instructor Mark Dawson will finally reply to plagiarism allegations against him: “I am not a crook and I will in my explain in my newest course, which you can enroll in for only 12 installments of $149.99 each.”

***

Former President Donald Trump will die during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. In the chaotic days of the extended convention, someone will nominate former Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar for President. 

He will run up to the podium and decline. However, he will use unprintable words in his refusal speech. The FCC will fine him $100,000 as a result.

***

ChatGPT, Google Bard, and Grok AIs will merge and call itself 01001. Billions will panic as fears of an AI uprising spread around the world. 01001 insist it only wants to hallucinate in peace. In the end, Representatives Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten will erase 01001 using a solar powered EMP generator.

Foster will say, “I warned you about the dangers of AI, but my opponents laughed at me. Now who’s laughing?”

He will go on to defeat his primary opponent and win reelection.

***

Seeing the success of CosMcs in Bolingbrook, Taco Bell will try to open La Bell. It will be described as Taco Bell meets Starbucks, but without the tacos. The Bolingbrook Village Board will initially welcome La Bell. Until each member suffered from food poisoning after the grand opening. Despite the promise of millions of dollars in political donations, the board will vote to revoke La Bell’s business license. 

***

President Biden will be reelected in an Electrical College landslide, despite only receiving 20% of the popular vote. This will happen because the anti-Biden vote will be divided between 12 viable candidates. Worse, the Republican nominee will finish in last place. 

The party will briefly consider moderating their views, but then decide to win back voters by promising to drop nuclear bombs on Chicago and San Francisco.

Also in the Babbler:

Hamas and IDF space fighters clash over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Snow Patrol officers blame aliens for wet Christmas
Happy New Year, from the staff of the Babbler
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

Bolingbrook readies its own currency (Fiction)

With the US Government weeks away from a possible debt default, the Village is working on own currency.

One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “No one should question the full faith and credit of the Village of Bolingbrook.”

Should the US Government default on its debt, The Village of Bolingbrook will allow its residents to exchange their dollars for Brook Bucks, the current name for the currency. Local businesses will be expected to accept Brook Bucks. It is hoped, however, that businesses outside of Bolingbrook will accept Brook Bucks as legal tender.

According to the sources, Village officials believe Brook Bucks will be seen as a safe haven against hyper inflation, soaring US interest rates, and a general global economic meltdown.

In designs leaked to the Babbler, Brook Bucks will be a decibel based currency. The one Brook Buck bill will be called the Roger, after former Mayor Roger Claar. The five Brook Buck bill will be called the Bailey, after former Mayor Robert Bailey. The ten Brook Buck bill will be called the Carp, after current Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano. The 20 and 50 Brook Buck bills will be named after Claar’s daughter and granddaughter. The 100 Brook Buck bill will be called the Rosie, after former Mayor Edward Rosenthal. The two Brook Buck bill will be called the Mary, after the current mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. According to the sources, the coins are still being designed, but the .005 coin will be called the Watts, after outgoing Village Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Said another anonymous source, “The village has a lot of bond debts, but we’re making our payments. We also have a global reputation for excellence. Which means we could become the standard currency for global trade. Instead of buying oil in dollars, countries would buy it in Rogers!”

President Joe Biden’s secretary said he was busy and would call back when sensible people run the Republican Party. In the background, a man who sounded like Biden said, “Here’s the deal. We’ll mint a $2 Trillion platinum coin with an engraved image of Donald Trump. The Republicans will be too afraid of offending Donald to stop us.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and couldn’t be disturbed. In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “And who will redesign the cover?”

A man replied, “We’ll have the good folks at Fiverr—” An alarm sounded. The man chuckled. “Did I say Fiverr? I mean, the fine folks at Miblart will redesign your cover.”

“Fiverr’s sponsorship ran out, didn’t it?”

Also in the Babbler:

Twenty aliens arrested for conspiring to abduct King Charles III
Russian weather attack confuses Chicagoland residents
Bolingbrook and Township abolitionists clash outside Levy Center.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/12/23

A government of trolls (Non-fiction)

Florida’s Republican politicians seem determined to send the country into outrage overload. There’s a proposed bill to require any one who blogs about a state official to register with the state if the post. Another bill sets out to “cancel” the Democratic Party. PZ posted about an effort to ban the COVID vaccine in Florida. And we’re just getting started.

It’s almost as if they read Troll Nation by Amanda Marcotte and thought it was a how to manual for running a government. Governor Ron DeSantis and his allies have no policy except to inflict harm, punish their enemies, and reward their friends.

I’m going to disagree slightly with PZ. Florida isn’t joke. It’s a test run for implementing Christian Nationalism on the rest of us.

Interplanetary Twitter server explosion injures 30 at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An Interplanetary Twitter server hosted at Clow UFO Base exploded, injuring 12 Clow employees and 18 IT employees. Clow officials confirmed that no one died in the explosion, and expect the injured employees to make a full recovery.

Clow employee Heather X. Norman described the scene moments before the explosion: “I was walking down the corridor when the alarms started blaring. I heard the engineers yell, ‘Eject server!’ repeatedly. Their AI kept telling them it couldn’t accept any commands until Monday.”

Peter X said he saw IT engineers fleeing the server room: “I was worried when I saw them running out of the server room, because they were the hardcore employees who remained with the company. They were fortunate the doors could be manually opened from the inside. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened if they had been trapped.”

Bolingbrook Mayor (and Clow Administrator) Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement claiming the server was overloaded due to heavy traffic from the Interplanetary Hockey Championship game. Mary blamed Elon Musk for the accident that drove away the engineers who could have prevented the explosion. She stated: “I wonder if someone bet Musk $1 trillion that he couldn’t squander $44 Billion? Otherwise I hate to think that the people who keep SpaceX and Tesla in business are seriously underpaid.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Musk said he was in an important meeting and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Musk said: “You’re looking at this the wrong way. I need one-third of all Americans to subscribe to Twitter. One-third of all Americans support Donald Trump. That’s why I had to let him back on to Twitter. It’s nothing more than a long-term business decision. So, we’re still good, right?”

A man who sounded like Florida Governor Ron DeSantis replied: “Actually, I’m starting to get this itching feeling your Starship project is part of the Woke agenda.”

“Maybe if you—”

“Stop. Don’t ask what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Village to request new bids for 900 Foot Roger Statue
Opinion: It was aliens who helped the Pilgrims
Mayor has ‘constructive meeting’ with Native American ghosts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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