From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Web Exclusive: Peotone IL named finalist for site of NWO’s new Chicagoland UFO Base (Fiction)

The New World Order selected Peotone, IL as one of three finalists for a new Chicagoland UFO Base.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

The selection committee wrote: “Being located in Will County, Peotone offers many of the advantages that Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has without the disadvantage of being run by a traitorous mayor.”

After the Presidential Election, Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar switched his allegiance to the Illuminati and placed Clow under their jurisdiction.  Failing to remove Claar in the April election, the New World Order started planning a new UFO base.

A spokesman for the Peotone Village President Steven Cross, who asked to be called Carl, said the village is honored to be considered:  “We may never get the third Chicago Airport, but we have a good shot at this UFO base.  Hardly anyone will notice its construction, and the base will be underground.  That means our residents won’t be inconvenienced by the base,  unlike they would by an airport.”

Pamela Z. Stouffer, a spokesperson for Will County’s Interstellar Relations department, credited Will County Board Member Jacqueline Traynere for Peotone making the final three:  “She didn’t win the election against Roger, but she made a lot of connections within the New World Order.  Now we don’t want to get involved in the war with the Illuminati, but we can’t pass up the opportunity to be able to collect taxes from two UFO bases!”

The other sites up for consideration are the South side of Chicago, and Lake County.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel personally wrote the proposal for their site:  “What better way to stick it to Roger than to build a UFO Base in Chicago?  I will waive all taxes on interstellar trade if you promise to pay off our city’s pensions.  Unlike a certain president, we know how to make great deals for the right sentient beings.”

Lake County’s proposal is a classified number of smaller bases connected by subways lines.  Officials say that their plan will allow all of Lake County to profit, rather than one community.

“We get a lot of visitors from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel,” said one county official.  “When they visit our many synagogues, they always complain about the car ride from Bolingbrook.  Under our plans, visitors can land in Lake County, then walk to the synagogue of their choice.  What a concept!”

Lake County started its “charm offensive” by inviting representatives of the New World Order to a party to celebrate their selection.  The Maxwell Street Klezmer Band performed a concert.  County officials, wearing paper bags, told jokes to entertain the audience, and poke fun at Claar and the Illuminati.

“So the Bolingbrook Village Board is touring the solar system in a UFO.  The pilot walks into the cabin and says, ‘There’s a problem with the engines.  We might have to bail out over Earth.’    The pilot goes back to the cockpit.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz gets a parachute.  Mayor Roger Claar grabs the chute.  He says, ‘I am Bolingbrook!  I have to live.’  Roger then jumps out the airlock.  Robert grabs another chute.  Trustee Leroy Brown takes chute from Robert.  ‘I have to live because Roger needs me.’  He jumps out of the airlock.  This happens with each of the other trustees.  Finally, Robert is alone, and the pilot returns.  Robert says, ‘I don’t understand why they grabbed my chute.  There’s more than enough for everyone.’  The pilot says, ‘I don’t understand why they jumped.  We’re still over Jupiter.’”

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook starts Bitcoin mining operation (Fiction)

Faced with Illinois’s financial uncertainties, sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is using the village’s computers to mine for Bitcoins.

BitcoinA source with ties to Bolingbrook’s IT Commission explained the decision: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I mean bold measures.  Yes, bold measures!  Roger is making bold decisions!  That’s why he’s mayor.”

Bitcoin, a currency found on the Internet, was introduced in 2009.  It is popular among libertarians, hackers, and people who don’t trust governments.  Special computer programs mine for newly created Bitcoins.

Another source explained Claar’s interest in Bitcoins:  “Right now, One Bitcoin is worth $2541.80.  Imagine what we could do with a bunch of them!”

A village employee, who asked to be called Jane, said Roger personally installed a Bitcoin mining program on her PC.  “He said it would make money for the village.  I started to ask a question, but then he added that if I stopped asking questions, he would also install a screensaver with pictures of his granddaughter.  How could I resist?”

Another employee, who asked to be called Beth, said she told Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz about the mining operation:  “I showed him my screen, and said I was making money for the village.  I tried to rub it in and say that Roger is a genius.  He just looked at the screen and said it was interesting.  Then he walked over to Roger’s office and slowly knocked on the door.  I got out of there because I had a bad feeling.”

The following is a transcript of Jaskiewicz’s conversation with Claar compiled from eyewitness accounts:

Jaskiewicz:  Are you really Bitcoin mining?

Claar:  Yes.  We have to think outside of the box if we’re going to survive.  The state is on the verge of junk bond status, and we could lose control of our property taxes.  Bitten coin mining could save our revenue stream.  Have you seen the current exchange rate?  Personally, it’s about time I got something good from the Internet!

Jaskiewicz: Roger, you’re going to spend more on electricity than you’ll earn in Bitcoins.  That’s assuming you find a reputable exchange site.  You’d be better off farming World of Warcraft Gold or Eve Online ISK.  Still, either of those ideas won’t make up for the loss in state revenue.

Claar:  What do you suggest?

Jaskiewicz:  For starters, the Bolingbrook Golf Club—

Claar:  You keep my golf club out of this!

When called for comment, a receptionist for said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like intern Charlene said, “Good news, Roger!  I just sent a message to all the Democratic leaders in Cook County telling them they’re not invited to The All-American Celebration on July 4.”

“I hope you didn’t send a message to Representative Dan Lipinski.  He helped me out in the last election.  Daily Kos says he might have been the key to my victory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Oh don’t worry.  I have Dan on speed dial.  We’ll get this straightened out.”

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”

Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”