Web Exclusive! Foster and Rashid clash over Gaza during debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Congressman Bill Foster (File Photo)

Qasim Rashid (File Photo)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster and his primary opponent Qasim Rashid held their first full debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The conflict in Gaza dominated their two-hour debate. The audience, which packed the new Bob Bailey Stadium, included undecided residents of the Illinois 11th Congressional District who work off-world, and alien dignitaries.

The debate immediately got off to a rough start, beginning with the opening statements. Foster said, “Hello. I’m Congressman Bill Foster, the only scientist in Congress. For many years, I knew AI was an existential threat to humanity before it was cool. I’m a businessman who understands that no one profits from human extinction. The Interstellar Commonwealth knows there’s no one in Congress who works harder to cover up alien visitors than me. I believe in independent solutions, not trendy manifestos. Why would you vote for anyone else?”

Foster tried to leave the stage, but three Men in Blue escorted him back to his podium.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta walked on stage and said, “You’re not getting out of this debate. It’s too important, and we’re making a fortune off of the interplanetary broadcast rights.”

Foster replied, “But I have two fundraisers to attend. As the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, you understand the importance of amassing an enormous campaign fund.”

“If you hadn’t endorsed Bolingbrook United, I might have given you a pass.”

“Some days, I really hate the First Party.”

After Rashid described his work as a human rights lawyer, a defender of domestic abuse survivors and long-time resident of DuPage County, he said, “I believe not only in human rights, but the rights of every sentient beings. As your congressman, I will not rest until we’ve decolonized the entire solar system.”

Thousands of attendees panicked, fearing an imminent attack from the Martian Colonies. Alexander-Basta claimed the audience by saying the Mars Colonial Ambassador assured her they would not attack this time. “I’m giving you a warning, Mr. Rashid. We may have the best defensive systems on Earth, but that means you’ll only have ten seconds to make your peace with Allah. We don’t antagonize the most powerful civilization in the solar system.”

“I meant no disrespect,” Rashid replied. “I may not drink, but I love Mars Bars.”

“We don’t tolerate dad jokes here.”

The moderators started by asking questions about, “the most noticeable war on Earth,” the war in Gaza. Both candidates denounced Hamas’s attack on October 7.

“Hello. Human rights lawyer here,” said Rashid. Of course I denounce what Hamas did, and, as I posted on Threads, ‘The response to (Hamas’) war crimes against civilians cannot be more war crimes against more civilians.’”

Foster criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Netanyahu deserves a special place in Hell for propping up Hamas and for all the unnecessary civilian deaths. However, Israel has a right to defend itself.” Then he looked at Alexander-Basta and said, “Can I leave? Bank of America is serving a very rare cheese at my fundraiser.”

“No. I think this debate is more important than eating cheese.”

“But it’s sponsored by Bank of America, and it’s really expensive cheese!”

“You can have some Enceladus cheese, but you have to finish your debate first.”

“I hate you.”

“This is for your own good.”

Both candidates then clashed over whether there should be a ceasefire in Gaza.

Rashid said, “Stop bombing Gaza. Stop firing rockets at Israel. Release the hostages. Release Palestinian children from prisons. Abstaining from war is the most effective method of preventing civilian casualties.”

Foster accused Rashid of supporting a unilateral ceasefire.

“Hamas’s 1988 and 2017 manifestos make it clear they won’t stop until they’ve retaken all of Palestine. If Israel stops shooting, Hamas will keep shooting. Your so-called ceasefire is a suicide pact for every Israeli!”

“Seriously?” Rashid asked. “‘Ceasefire’ means ceasefire. As in, no bombs or rockets dropping from the sky, no marauders in neighborhoods, no hostages and no tanks in the streets. Just like it is in Naperville, and that’s one reason Naperville is the best suburb in Chicago. We’ve earned our reputation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

During the audience Q and A segment, most of the participants either demanded that Foster support a ceasefire or that Rashid denounce Hamas.

At one point, Rashid replied. “The Hague should prosecute Hamas for war crimes. Is that good enough?”

The questioner said, “You didn’t call them evil, so that means you support Hamas.”

A visitor from the Trappist system said, “The obvious solution is to build a tesseract so Israelis and Palestinians can occupy the land at the same time. Why won’t you build one?”

Foster shook his head, then made a phone call. “Fermilab? This is Bill. Can you rebuild the Tevatron? I’m in an atom smashing mood.”

A woman wearing a kaffiyeh accused Rashid of being a Zionist. “You’re spreading fake news! The truth is the media staged the attacks and then the IDF used crisis actors to frame Hamas. Now the IDF is dropping booby trapped cans of food in Gaza. Why won’t you tell the truth about the genocide in Gaza?”

Before Rashid could respond, a woman wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Make Gaza Jewish again,” seized the microphone and addressed Foster.

“How dare you accuse Israel of being wrong! Hamas beheaded 40 babies and had armories in hospitals. We even have proof that terrorists named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday took turns guarding the hostages!”

“Lies. The truth is Zionists stole homes our families owned for generations. Zionists are colonists, and colonists can’t be civilians!”

“Fake news! Invaders stole the land from us, then forced us into exile. After the invaders left, your ancestors occupied our land without permission. That means Zionists are the real de-colonizers!”

“More lies! The Interstellar Tribes of Israel are proof Israelis are alien colonists!”

The Intersellar Tribes of Israel are the descendents of the Lost Tribes of Israel. An alien civilization rescued them from the Assyrian invaders and moved them to another solar system. The Intersellar Tribes only reestablished contact with Earth in the early 21 century.

A loud noise startled the attendees. The activists stopped arguing and asked what it was.

Alexander-Basta replied, “That’s the sound of all the Arab and Israeli fact checkers screaming at once.”

During closing statements Rashid said, “I’ve been called a single issue candidate and they’re right. My single issue is human rights. That means I support Medicare for All, fighting climate change, defending reproductive rights, and standing up for those too powerless to stand up for themselves. So I’m fighting for your vote, so that I can fight for you in Congress. Unlike my opponent, who is fighting to rename every post office in the district.”

Foster focused on experience and attacked Rashid. “I’ve co-sponsored over 2000 bills. Some of them even became law. My opponent is so divisive, he won’t be able to rename a mail drop box. He talks about fighting, but his signature issue is letting Hamas rampage from the river to the sea. If he can’t stand up to Hamas, how can we expect him to defend us against the combined forces of Bard, ChatGPT, and Claude? Did I mention I’m the only scientist in Congress? My opponent’s last campaign was so disastrous that the Virginia Democratic Party exiled him. Now, I know many of my past supporters are mad at me. That’s your right, but I have a question. Do you really want to discard a seasoned congressman because he won’t say the magic word ‘ceasefire?’”

After the debate, supporters from each campaign tried to spin the interplanetary media’s coverage.

Will County Board member Jackie Tranyere said, “Every visitor I’ve ever introduced to Bill tells me they wish more humans were like him. He’s done so much good work for the district, the country, and humanity. Instead of bothering my good friend, Qasim should do something productive, like filing a class action lawsuit against Hamas.”

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend said, “Although Qasim and I have some disagreements about Palestine, we have to help him win. Bill Foster continues to fund Israel’s genocide against Gaza. When Zionists bomb innocent children, Bill gives them more bombs. Congressman Foster belongs in Hell, not Congress.

“Oh, and I have a message for Mr. Hanania: You try observing Ramadan, and see how far you make it through a public meeting before. I’ll accept a private apology.”

Update: Corrected Trustee Reem Townsend’s quote. The partial misquote was due to a decryption error. We apologize for the error.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Atheist ‘missionaries’ arrive to ‘help’ DuPage Township residents (Fiction)

Members of the Freedom From Religion claim they are in DuPage Township not to de-convert residents, but to provide “humanitarian aid.”

Head ‘missionary’ Ron X. McPatrick explained, “Once again, religious strife is tearing DuPage Township apart. We couldn’t standby and watch innocent victims suffer while religious wage a war of attrition against the democratically elected board. As members of the FFRF, and fans of Freethought Blogs, we’re on a mission!”

Several residents claim the “missionaries” visited them.

Janet, who refused to provide her last name, said they surprised her with groceries.

“They must have heard I have a hard time going to the township food bank. That place isn’t accessible. So imagine my surprise when they arrived at my front door with boxes of food, medicine, and other necessities. Those fine people spent hours packing these care boxes in Wisconsin and delivered to me. They could have supported our local businesses by shopping here, but I’m not complaining. They didn’t ask me for anything. Well, they ask me to stop going to church, but I’ll forgive them.”

Steve, another township resident, claims the “missionaries” worked on his yard. “With this weird weather, I wasn’t sure what to do with the yard. Then these young people offered to work on my yard for free. It was great, though one of them insisted I read PZ Myers’s blog. Let’s just say I learned a lot about terrible religious and atheist leaders. Oh, and I love spiders now.”

David, a “missionary” from the United Kingdom, described getting attacked while delivering aid boxes:

“This woman drove up to me and yelled that I was giving a family too much food. I asked if she was serious. She said yes and ranted about the evils of building a food pantry in Bolingbrook. I tried to walk away, but she followed me, and said I should accept Jesus Christ because there is a God. I told her there is no God, but there is a Richard Dawkins, and that she was insignificant in his eyes. That must have smarted because she replied, ‘Jesus loves you.’ I told her, ‘I know what that means. Same to you.’”

When asked what they meant by “war” in DuPage Township, they all claimed the answer was obvious, but didn’t provide specific examples.

A representative for the FFRF denied sending anyone to DuPage Township, denied responsibility for the missionaries’ actions.

A statement from Americans against DuPage Township read, “Sure, one of our supporters called (Township Trustee Reem Townsend) a ‘suicide bomber,’. But if DuPage Township didn’t exist, there wouldn’t have been an annual meeting and he wouldn’t have insulted her! Checkmate townshipper.”

When asked to comment about the “missionaries,” Supervisor Gary Marschke replied, “They’re welcome to help our residents, but don’t call our township a war zone.”

Also in the Babbler:

Time traveler praises The Marvels movie
Russian weather machine targets Bolingbrook again
Bolingbrook mayor survives diamond storm on during interstellar goodwill tour
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Clow UFO Base investigating alien involvement with the Jaguars’ stunning victory (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Did aliens help the Jacksonville Jaguars come back from a 27 point deficit to defeat the Los Angeles Chargers? Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base are investigating.

Bolingbrook Mayor and Clow UFO Base administrator Mary Alexander-Basta told the interstellar media, “We’re just asking questions and detaining the ones who need a little help answering our questions.”

Following the Jaguars’ improbable victory, Clow UFO Base halted all departures, and ordered all craft in Bolingbrook’s zone of control to land. Clow officials then started interrogating all their alien visitors.

Lokgoz, from the TOI Hive, denounced his interrogation: “They kept asking me if I’d used a mind block on a football team. At first, I thought they were talking about the World Cup. Then I realized they meant the game that I call throw ball. Then they said they had pictures of my craft flying by the moon during the game. They promised to charge me with a lesser crime if I confessed. I didn’t fall for that because they don’t decide punishments. Mayor Mary does, and she wasn’t in the room.”

Inko, who asked that we didn’t identify their home world, accused Clow officials of using intimidation tactics: “I told them I bet all of my free credits on the Chargers. Why would I want them to lose? That’s when I found out gambling is illegal inside Clow. They lock me up, but I will never say what they want to hear.”

The receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was out of the office.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “I’m almost afraid to ask what your plan is.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “May plan is to get First Party supporters so obsessed with the DuPage Township board, they’ll miss the election.”

“That’s a ridiculous plan. No one outside of Edgar County is obsessed with any township.”

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. Watch this. The DuPage Township trustees did something!”

A woman yelled: “Outrageous! I have to tell Bolingbrook Politics! We need to stop them before it’s too late.”

The woman ran away, and Spencer said, “Now I just need to find a write-in candidate, and (the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party) will sweep the Village Board election!”

Also in the Babbler:

Blogger Greta Christina returns from the Internet graveyard!
Bolingbrook resident arrested for selling fake Martian gemstones
Russians threaten to steal Chicago’s winter weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books. 

DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Village sends eviction notice to zombies inside Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

As part of a recently announced renovation of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the village sent an eviction notice to current zombie tenants. The village will also end its “Adopt a Zombie” program after three years.

“Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has generously allowed our undead residents to exist rent-free for years,” stated a press release from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs. “Now the village can no longer simultaneously subsidize them, maintain both the Bolingbrook Golf Club and Clow Airport.  The zombies have to go back to the afterlife.”

Under the terms of the agreement, the village will use the sales tax generated by the first $6.5 million of retail sales to pay for the removal and/or extermination of the zombies. In return, the owners, the Hinman Company, will spend between $10 Million to $12 million to both renovate the mall and add zombie traps. DuPage Township will offer free burials or cremations to the resident zombies.

Trustee Troy Doris personally delivered the eviction notice to the zombies. According to eyewitnesses, Doris cautiously entered one of the abandoned storefronts when out of sight of an anti-zombie SWAT team. Less than a minute later, Doris leaped out of the building and dashed back to the SWAT Team in the parking lot. Once safe, Doris showed a cell phone video to an attorney of him serving the notice to a zombie.

An eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous said: “Troy stated it was an eviction notice. Then he threw it at the zombie and ran away. The lawyer said it looked like the notice stuck to the zombie, therefore it was legally served.”

Lawyer Patricia X. Blake, who claims to represent the zombies, announced that she will challenge the eviction notice: “My clients are decent undead residents of Bolingbrook. They are not revenants, like The Crow, and they are not spreading a zombie plague. Mayor Basta’s obsession to best (former Mayor Roger) Claar has gone too far. She’s brought garbage toters to our yards. She’s allowed cannabis businesses to apply for business licenses, and now she wants to be known as the mayor who fixed Bolingbrook Commons. Well, not over my clients’ animated dead bodies!”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for DuPage Township said Supervisor Gary Marschke was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Marschke, said: “I find it quite odd that ComEd suddenly informed us that we’ve had an outstanding bill for over ten years. Since my administration has been paying our monthly bill, ComEd has had our billing address. Now we got them to waive the late fee, but the bill is still close to $1000. It’s almost as if someone hacked into ComEd and created a fake bill. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you Charlene ?”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “Maybe.” 

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: We need more than thoughts and prayers
Resident arrested after hitting UFO with an illegal firework
Man hospitalized after biting weredog
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/9/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Wipeout: First Party for Bolingbrook and DuPage Township Democrats sweep the 2021 Consolidated Election (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the night of the historic 2021 election.  They returned these stories:

First Party ‘gets real’ during candidates’ victory speeches to the Illuminati

Mary Alexander-Basta, the Mayor-elect of Bolingbrook, addressed members of the Illuminati following the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweeping of the 2021 Consolidated Election.

“Our opponents ran a negative campaign by trying to steal offices from us, “ said Alexander-Basta.  “We ran a positive campaign by trying to stay in office.  Thanks to the power of passive-aggressive positivity, we won!  Stay positive, Bolingbrook.”

The First Party won the races for mayor, clerk, and three open Village Trustee positions.  Bolingbrook United failed to defend the seat being vacated by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices will be represented by Trustee Sheldon Watts, who will be up for reelection in 2023.

After Alexander-Basta’s speech, the Grand Master Councilor of Egypt performed the Rite of the Phoenix in honor of her loyalty to the Illuminati and her efforts to spread global chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  She thanked the Grand Master Councilor and added: “Bolingbrook has the best golf club, best UFO Base, and is loyal to the best secret society!  Fnord!  That’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

Trustee Maria Zarate delivered a speech in English thanking local members of the Illuminati for their hard work.  She concluded with a message for Jaskiewicz.  In Spanish, she said: “May you suffer in Hell like you made us suffer at board meetings!”

Trustee-elect Troy Doris promised to be a “Better Sheldon than Sheldon.”  Possibly a reference to Trustee Sheldon Watts, the Bolingbrook Independent Voices mayoral candidate.  Doris also apologized for calling pro-choice supporters “anti-life.”

“Let’s try this again:  We’re not pro-QAnon Republicans.  We’re not pro-Child Trafficking Democrats.  We just don’t care!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano ran on stage and whispered into Doris’s ear.

Doris replied: “Man!  This is harder than the triple jump.  Um, we do care about kids and—  Look! (Bolingbrook United Mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere) posted something on the Internet.”

Trustee Michael Lawler did not appear on stage.

After the slate performed the Rite of Ascension, an audience member asked how Alexander-Basta planned to rule Bolingbrook when over 57% of voters chose the other candidates. She laughed and said: “As our former Mayor once said, there are residents, and there are foes.  My supporters are residents and those voters are foes!  I don’t work with foes.”

New World Order crushes the Illuminati to retake DuPage Township

After years of conflict, the New World Order regained control of DuPage Township with the Democratic Party’s sweeping victory over the Illuminati-controlled Republicans.

“Tonight,” said Supervisor-elect Gary Marschke at the New World Order victory party, “The residents of our township rejected the Illuminati’s chaos and discord.  They rejected the chaos operatives from Edgar County.  They rejected the flagrant abuse of our legal system.  They voted for the harmony and order that only we can provide.  So to the good residents of DuPage Township, I say this: Get ready to experience the might of a fully operational township!”

New World Order member and outgoing Republican Trustee Ken Burgess congratulated the victors:  “We may not be members of the same political party, but we are united in our belief that order must be maintained against chaos.  We understand that in the right hands, the right amount of order in a society will let freedom bloom.  I congratulate my fellow NWO colleagues for their victory against the Illuminati.  Just don’t raise my taxes, okay?”

Later in the party, Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wondered in and was surrounded by four Men in Black.

“I thought our victory party was at Lou Malnati’s,” said Lawler.

“No,” replied Trustee-elect Reem Townsend.  “The Illuminati is meeting at the Golf Club this time.  Since we’re in a good mood tonight, we’ll order the Men in Black to take you home.”

“Since I’m in a good mood, I won’t tell Mary on all of you.”

After Lawler left, Townsend said, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be quoted in the Babbler?”

“Don’t worry,” replied Terri Ransom.  “Nobody believes the Babbler.”

Opposition parties eventually accept crushing defeats in Bolingbrook

Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and the DuPage Township Republicans eventually accepted their major defeats.  However the DuPage Township Republicans almost started an insurrection.

During DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford’s speech to the Bolingbrook Illuminati, she announced that she was about to summon the Edgar County Irregular Militia to help her “find” enough votes for her to win.  A masked man stormed on stage and warned her not to call them.

“I spent over $40,000 on the First Party,” said the man.  “I am not going have you ruin my investment with a civil war!”

“I am a Knight of Chaos and a CPA,” replied Benford.  “I must claim my election today.”

“Not on my watch,” countered the man.  “As a Knight, you are sworn to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you have spent years sowing chaos in my village!  This election wasn’t stolen from you.  You lost!  Why the (expletive deleted) did you think it was a good idea to pick Deborah Williams and Antonio Timothee?”

“Because I’m the biggest—” replied Timothee.

“Joke on Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups.” snapped the man.  “Alyssia, call off your dogs from Edgar County or you won’t be a CPA.  You’ll be DOA!”

At the New World Order Victory Party, mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced that she had congratulated Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for her win.  

“I thought we could pull it off this time,” said Traynere.  “Instead, we lost ground since the 2017 election.  But I will take some comfort knowing that I beat (Trustee Sheldon Watts).  I will also take comfort knowing that I still have my seat on the Will County Board.  I heard Sheldon will have to perform the Illuminati’s Rite of the Burning Mile  if he wants a future in Bolingbrook politics.  I hope he has tough feet.”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for Bolingbrook Independent Voices, announced during a video call that she was going to contest the election results:

“There’s no way BIV came in last place.  The First Party had nothing but their passive aggressive positivity.  We ran a shining campaign filled with vague promises, real residents, and tons of drone footage!  That was a recipe for a landslide.  This election was rigged, and I will prove to the right people that that a conspiracy by Anwar Sadat, Jimmy Carter, Mao—”

Watts ran into the room and said: “Charlene!  What are you doing?  You know that’s a big lie.  We lost—”

“Lost?  Are you kidding?  I’ve only just begun to fight for you!”

“There’e aren’t enough outstanding votes to save us.  It’s over.”

“It’s only a minor setback!  We can still take over the board!”

“At what cost?”

“I’ll give you a discount—”

“No!  Charlene, stand down.  I’m going to concede!”

“Sheldon!  You need to stop backing down to Mary all the time like you did with Roger. Seize this moment and you’ll be remembered as the Mayor who liberated Bolingbrook!  Democracy is dumb, Sheldon!  Help me put it out of its misery!”

Watts shook his head.  “Democracy is not dumb.  You’re confusing our patriotic rituals with democracy.  The ideas of democracy are not dumb.  Respecting the will of the people is smart.  Supporting the peaceful transition of power to the victor is smart.  The idea that any resident or slate in Bolingbrook has a chance to non-violently win control of the government is fundamental to Bolingbrook’s well being.”

“But,” protested Charlene.  “If we don’t stop her now, I know she’ll declare Bolingbrook to be under the rule of the Eternal Kingdom of the First Party, and she’ll—”  

“She won’t, and even if she did, she’d fail.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1—”

“I’m an atheist, Sheldon.  Your Bible trick won’t work on me.”

“Fine.  Then I will cite George Hrab.  ‘The fairness of unfairness is in everything’s demise.’  It is unfair that we lost and (Former Mayor Roger Claar) used me.  But Roger’s time will end.  The First Party will eventually disband, and it will be a time for a new party to take over.  Maybe it will be my party.  Maybe not.  But for the good of Bolingbrook, we need to preserve representative democracy.  That’s what really counts, Charlene.  I’d rather lose 100 elections than see Bolingbrook descend into despotism, anarchy, or worse.  So please stop trying to overthrow this election, and help me win the next election, okay?”

“You…You actually listened to a George Hrab album?  For me?”

“Yes, and may the Lord forgive me.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A Babbler Special Report: Bolingbrook’s countdown to democracy (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportOn April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook.  For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties.  We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign.  They returned with these stories:

Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection

According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.

According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win.  We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum.   We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely.  In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins.  Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”

Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:

“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup.  Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine.  I guess some people just enjoy being wrong.  Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”

In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”

A woman replied, “Attention!  I am a CPA.  I feel like overthrowing the government today.”

Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election. 

Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy.  I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”

Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:

“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions.  Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots.  Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”

Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication.  The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.

The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox.  If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice.  Bathe in baking soda instead.  Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”

Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs:  “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk.  When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs.  Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”

Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:  

“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes.  When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk.  Then she started chanting: ‘Meth!  Meth!  It’s the best!’  Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me?  Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources.  Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”

“But—” replied a woman.

“When I found out, I went over to our police chief.  He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers.  The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind.  Just like Roger.”

“But—”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread.  If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face.  Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me.  That’s so negative!”

“But we weren’t talking about you.  We were celebrating Passover.”

“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook police defuse gender reveal hydrogen bomb (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party. 

“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people.  It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history.  I urge all expecting parents to use common sense.  Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs.  Be humble.  Don’t be vandals!”

According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook.  When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.

Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb.  According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar.  Sources agree she left the following voicemail:

Hi Roger, it’s me again.  You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency.  Well, we have one now, but don’t worry.  Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook.  I’ve got this.  Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check.  The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.

Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.

“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.

“You mean my luxurious office.”

“Soon to be my luxurious office.”

Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees.  After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated.  Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.

“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”

“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”

An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta.  She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger.  The officers arrived minutes later.

The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door.  NEST members rushed into the hanger.  Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!”

“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man.  “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.  

“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler.  “I read the instructions in a novel.  All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased!  This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!”

Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board.  This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.  

“What happened?” asked Lawler.

A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence.  By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”

“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”

“That’s only in the movies.  Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have.  You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”

“Oops.”

Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device.  When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.

“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.

Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry.  Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry.  Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.

Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”

Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Great work, Charlene.  I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing.  I just asked myself what would  8kun do, and did it.  Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context.  I couldn’t have done it without their help.”

“I will thank them for you.”

“I do have a question, though.  Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on?  They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”

“No, because I am a CPA.  That makes me special.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21

Village of Bolingbrook pulls off remote concert for the ‘doomsday crew’ of Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The 2020 holiday season began with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base closed due to the pandemic, and its “doomsday crew” quarantining on the moon.  With support from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the Village still managed to hold its annual holiday concert, despite some on-stage drama, and technical difficulties.

Donna K. Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said: “Thanks to the Interstellar Commonwealth, we were able to lift the morale of our Doomsday Crew and provide the illusion of normalcy. Sure, we had some unexpected and unwelcome hologram-bombers, but overall, we proved Bolingbrook’s exceptionalism to the galaxy!”

For the first time, the concert was broadcast live across the galaxy. Under the direction of the Interstellar Commonwealth, it was also an interstellar fundraiser for Bolingbrook. Hosted by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, the concert featured live performances by alien musicians, hologram performances by human performers, speeches, and videos.

“A portion of every credit donated will go towards supporting our fine crew here tonight,” said Jaskiewicz. “The rest will be donated to the Clow UFO Base relief fund to help the families of furloughed employees. In case you’re wondering, the Mayor and trustees will not receive a single credit from this fund.”

“Which is too bad,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano by Holo-Zoom. “I wanted to use that money to promote myself—I mean the fine businesses suffering under this pandemic.”

The concert started with DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford announcing that she was running the Holo-Zoom connection:

“I want to thank the Village for recognizing my cybersecurity expertise.”

After the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir performance, Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech urging aliens to donate:

“COVID-19 and the Governor’s restrictions are hurting our local businesses. Some restaurants are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their customers’ lives so they can offer indoor dining. This is despite being in the middle of an airborne pandemic! If I impose fines, the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce will call me the mean mom of Bolingbrook. Each credit you donate will allow Clow’s employees to shop locally, and to let me keep my reputation as Bolingbrook’s number one fun mom!”

Alexander-Basta then announced that she had secured enough doses of the Venus COVID-19 vaccine to inoculate every employee. Despite needing to be stored at 820 F and at an atmospheric pressure 75 times greater than Earth’s, she expected all of Clow’s employees to be vaccinated by the end of January and to reopen Clow shortly afterward.“Happy holidays from the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Illuminati. Fnord!”

A hologram of Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member and Bolingbrook United’s candidate for Mayor, then appeared next to Alexander-Basta:

“Actually, I helped negotiate this agreement in my role as a representative of the New World Order. Thanks to our efforts, All of Chicagoland’s UFO bases should be reopened by February. The breakthrough came when Peotone UFO Base agreed to trade its phosphine stock in exchange for the vaccine. I guess Venus has a major insect infection in its upper atmosphere.”

Alexander-Basta threatened to arrest Traynere if she didn’t log off. Traynere replied: “Looks like I have to go, but I hope you’ll remember that I’m running to be Mayor of Bolingbrook, not act like one.”

Former Mayor Roger Claar also addressed the audience. He announced that he was the spokesperson for Yugost Brewery, located on Europa. He said that a portion of the sales of their newest rum would be donated to the relief fund. He also debuted his first video commercial for the company. It went like this :

“As many of you know, I’m a fan of rum and cola. It’s hard to find the right rum to mix in, even on Earth. When I heard that Yugost was releasing a new rum to commemorate Jupiter and Saturn’s conjunction, I was skeptical.” Claar then pulled out a bottle that resembled the recent monoliths appearing on Earth, and stated: “Monolith Rum is the first rum from Europa that’s safe for human consumption.” Claar next started pouring rum into a glass of cola: “If you want to experience the next evolutionary milestone of rum, then ask for Monolith Rum.” Claar took a sip of his drink: “Wow! Just one sip and you’ll feel like a star child too!”

As musicians from around the galaxy performed, unauthorized holograms appeared on stage. A notable crasher included Al Franken, former US Senator and host of The Al Franken Show:

“It’s me! Al Franken! I’m taking my comeback tour to the stars next year. But let me say happy Hanukkah! Who wants to spin the dreidel with me? Acting Mayor—”

“I’m the Mayor! You’d better log off before I order the Men in Blue to cancel you so hard that no one will take you seriously!”

“You’re almost as funny as me: Al Franken.”

One of the most emotional moments of the concert seemed unremarkable at first. Jaskiewicz announced a mystery singer was going to perform and challenged the audience to guess the singer’s identity. When the singer walked on, Carpanzano said he wasn’t fooled by the headscarf and recognized her as Sinead O’Connor.

“Maybe,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“You’re dishonest! It’s obviously Sinead. I’ll carp you after the concert!”

“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve carped me offline.”

O’Connor and her band first performed “Silent Night.” After receiving a standing ovation for her singing, O’Connor then sang “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance.” Near the end of the song, her background singers’ holograms morphed into images of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver and DuPage Township Ken Burgess. O’Connor then held up a photo of Benford. O’Connor’s hologram changed to resemble DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George. George then ripped up the picture.

“That’s for kicking me off the Republican slate!” He said.

A hologram of the previous supervisor’s wife appeared and flipped off Benford before vanishing.

A hologram of Bonnie Kurowski, the leader of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, appeared and pointed at Benford:

“You got censored by the board!”

“I was censured, not censored!” Benford then frantically touched buttons on her touchpad. “After I figure out how to disconnect you, I will get my revenge by sweeping the township election in April. Then I will be supervisor!”

“The Edgar County Watchdogs can’t save you now. Or should I say watchdog?”

“Who cares,” added Republican Township candidate Antonio Timothee. “Bonnie, I’m going to flame you so hard that your ashes will be burned to ashes!”

After the show, many “doomsday crew” members said they enjoyed the concert and the support they received from around the galaxy.

An employee who asked not to be identified, said: “The outside world has changed so much. Handshakes are obsolete. Most of the restaurants are gone. Being a Republican now means selfishly risking others’ lives so you can sit in a bar. Being a Democrat now means taking personal responsibility for the well-being of others. It’s such a different world out there. But when I watched our politicians argue with each other, I realized that some things haven’t changed. Somehow, I find that to be reassuring.”

Also in the Babbler:

Hanukkah Harry tests negative for COVID-19
Village of Bolingbrook issues new permit for Santa to enter homes
Humanists insist that ‘Human Light’ isn’t a celebration of spontaneous human combustion
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.