Three weredeer and a wereskunk arrested following an incident at Regal Bolingbrook Stadium 12 (Fiction)

Content notice: This post deals with the Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  If you are dealing with issues related to sexual assault, you may wish to visit RAINN.

File photo of a weredeer.

An alleged fight between several wereskunks and weredeer last Friday ended in the evacuation of Regal Bolingbrook Stadium theaters.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested three weredeer, and a wereskunk after the incident and released the other creatures.

Most eyewitnesses agree that someone pulled a fire alarm, and staff members evacuated the theater.  Many attendees say they say they saw nothing unusual during the evacuation. Staff members who spoke anonymously said they were instructed not to look at security monitors, or to use the rear entrances.  

Two witnesses, however, claim to have seen a brawl between a group of weredeer and a group of wereskunks.

“I was about to fall asleep during Peppermint when the doors by the screen flew open,” said Beth, who did not wish to reveal her last name.  “These tall weredeer staggered into our theater.  They were chanting, ‘We love beer!  We love Kavanaugh!’”

According to Beth and her friend Blake, several wereskunks transformed into their half-human, half-skunk form and approached the weredeer.  

“The weredeer accused the wereskunks of ‘hogging’ women,” said Blake.  “At first I was terrified.  Then one of the weredeer said he was the new Buck of Bolingbrook.  I guess that’s an important leader or something like that.  I don’t know.”

Both Beth and Blake agree that the Buck said he was leading the feral weredeer out of the woods and back into Bolingbrook.  The Buck then actually said that feral weredeer had the first choice of all the women in Bolingbrook.  According to the Buck, the appointment of Kavanaugh meant that the agreement between the feral weredeer and the Bolingbrook Jaycees was void.  The agreement states that weredeer who refuse to abide by human dating and relationship norms should move to the wilderness and only mate with deer.  Weredeer can only produce offspring if they have sex with a human or deer.

“I was so disgusted to hear that weredeer say that if human females didn’t want to mate with weredeer, they shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook,” said Beth.  “I am not a sex object!  I am a person.  They made a bad week even worse.”

“The wereskunks stood up for humanity,” said Blake.  “They said all mating should be consensual.  Maybe skunks aren’t so bad after all.  I just wish they’d leave our garbage alone, or pay for our garbage bins.”

Both witnesses say that after several minutes, someone set off a fire alarm.  Then a wereskunk charged into the room, and all the shapeshifters started fighting each other.  During the brawl, Beth and Blake escaped the theater.  Tactical officers from the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The officers stormed the theater, while Beth and Blake were taken to a safe location.  They agreed not to tell the mainstream media what happened or post on social media about the incident.

“They haven’t talked to us since then,” said Beth.  “Why should I be surprised?  We can’t hurt the reputation of a very important weredeer, right?  Seriously, I love Bolingbrook, but I hate (expletive deleted) weredeer.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “The US Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over paranormal affairs in Bolingbrook.  The Illuminati does.  The village and the Illuminati will continue to enforce the Jaycee Accords.  Any weredeer found violating the accords will either be escorted out of Bolingbrook or put down.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It looks so real, Charlene.”

“Yes, and we can make it say whatever we want.”

After some keyboard clicks, a male voice said, “I met Mayor Roger Claar.  He’s right, and his foes are stupid liars!”

Charlene continued:  “It’s the same technology they used to create that fake Obama video.”

“Incredible,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

“Igor says they are working on the way to integrate this imaging technology with their prototype bots.  By 2020, these bots should be able to create their own social media videos.  Imagine bots that can post videos seconds after a major political event.  Oh!  One of them just finished scanning all the posts in Bolingbrook Politics. Let’s see what kind of video it produced.”

A keyboard clicked, and the male voice spoke again:  “Village spending annoys me.  Debt scares me.  Taxes enrage me.  I can do a better job than our current elected officials.  Roger Claar is the best corrupt mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!  Let’s argue!”

“Needs work,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Russians hijack the DuPage Township website
Claar confirms that the Interstellar Commonwealth does not owe any taxes
Clow UFO Base no longer requires visitors to buy Trump branded human suits
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/18

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18

Bolingbrook United announces their 2019 candidates (Non-fiction)

The following is a press release from the Bolingbrook United Party.

Two years ago, a small group of residents met to discuss local issues, government waste and the need for the Village of Bolingbrook to end its history of political elitism which forbids individuals from any real participation in local government and promoted pay to play politics. In addition to their concern over the notable shortfalls of local government, they wanted to further prosperity within the community as a whole, not just for the well connected. As a result of that meeting the Bolingbrook United political party was formed and its first candidate, Bob Jaskiewicz was later elected to the village board in April of 2017.

Despite being outspent by their opponents by more than a 2 to 1 margin and existing for only a few months before the 2017 election, Bolingbrook United came within less than 1⁄2 of 1% of the votes needed to also win the contest for mayor, village clerk, and another village trustee position. This strong showing from what was a grassroots effort confirmed that village residents are no longer satisfied by the status quo.

Since the 2017 municipal election, Bolingbrook United has continued to grow in its membership, visibility, and leadership in Bolingbrook. As Bolingbrook United looks towards the 2019 municipal election, on the evening of September 12, 2019, the group announced its intended slate of candidates for a range of local governmental bodies. Those candidates and some basic information about each are found at the bottom of this press release.

Over the coming weeks and months, Bolingbrook United’s candidates will start gathering petitions for signatures to appear on the ballot and hosting various campaign events between now and election day, April 2, 2019.

To join Bolingbrook United’s efforts, become a volunteer, help collect signatures or for additional information please contact the party through any of its candidates or Joe Giamanco via [email protected]. Be sure to “like” the Bolingbrook United Facebook page at www.facebook.com/bolingbrookunited to follow the campaign.

Candidates for Village Trustee:

Ajaz Gill – a 30 year resident of Bolingbrook, Ajaz was born in Pakistan where he met his wife Rizwana and started his own business. Ajaz moved to Bolingbrook in 1989 and started Midwest Draperies in 1990. Ajaz and his wife are the parents of three sons, all who received their education within the Valley View 365U School System. He leads his life by his core values of hard work, respect, and loyalty. He is an active member in the local Mosque and considered a leader by the congregation. Ajaz joined Bolingbrook United because he recognized the group’s ability and desire to unite us all in the party’s support for a common cause for equality, regardless of gender, race, faith and it celebrated that which makes us all a unique, the fabric of this diverse country. Ajaz believes that the skills that he has learned as a business owner and as a leader at the Mosque, will allow him to work on issues key to Bolingbrook and what is best for its residents.

Jaime Olson – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook, the mother to two fabulous children and is married to Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco. Jaime moved to Bolingbrook in 2006 to laydown roots and start a family. Jaime graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in history (with honors) and political science and received her Juris Doctor from DePaul University College of Law in 2002. Jaime has worked as an administrative law judge, attorney, a manager and a specialist in labor and employee relations. Jaime currently serves as the Labor Relations Officer for the General Services Administration in Chicago. Since moving to Bolingbrook, Jaime has been active in the community, serving as a Girl Scout leader, a soccer coach with the Bolingbrook Soccer club, the vice president of the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County, and member of the marketing committee for local charity Power Connection. Jaime has also been involved in and assisted with PTA, Bolingbrook Pride, and her neighborhood Home Owners Association and provided free legal assistance to our community during Lawyers in the Library inaugural event. She is also the founder and primary contributor to the Facebook group “Bolingbrook Events”. Jaime wants to help make our community better and ensure that our children are not saddled with the debt created by the current administration. Jaime believes her desire to help others, as well as her work and civic experience, have provided her with the knowledge and experience necessary to be a good Trustee.

Terri Ransom – A 19-year resident of Bolingbrook, Terri is the newly appointed DuPage Township Democrat’s Precinct Captain for Precinct 31, current Board
more than 25 years of Information Technology experience in the financial industry, most recently in Cyber Security. She is the member of the Black History Awareness Club, council member for the Naperville Boys and Girls Club, and volunteer for Moms Demand Action. She is also the former business owner of Computertots and Computer Explorers, past treasurer of Panther Sports Club, and a former Girl
Scout troop leader. Terri is married to Michael, and they have two children — a college freshman and a recent college graduate. Terri is running for Village Trustee for the same reasons she ran in
2017, to stand up and fight for Bolingbrook and deliver prosperity for all by returning the power
back to the residents.

Candidates for Valley View 365U School Board:

Sandra Carlson – Sandra, a 23-year resident of Bolingbrook, was born in Chicago and has lived in five different communities in Illinois. She moved to Bolingbrook when her husband Paul accepted the call to be the pastor at New Life Lutheran Church. The Carlson’s brought three sons and a dog with them to Bolingbrook. The family has grown and now includes three fabulous daughters in law and two grandchildren, AJ and Hope. Sandra is a licensed clinical professional counselor. She earned a master’s degree in counseling from Northern Illinois University in 1994. She earned her Ed.D in counseling in 2010 from NIU. Since the year 2000, Sandra has operated a counseling practice in Bolingbrook and has been privileged to serve the community ever since. Sandra’s love of children makes her a passionate advocate for quality education and as a mental health counselor, she understands the challenges our children face in the 21st century. She believes that schools are crucial to the health and wellbeing of children, and the communities they live in. Sandra wants to serve on the school board as she believes that education saves lives, as it saved hers.

Charlotte Droogan – a 54-year resident of Bolingbrook, Charlotte is essentially a founding citizen as she’s lived here longer than Bolingbrook has even existed as a legal entity. Charlotte has a master’s in counseling and is a retired third-grade teacher who served the families of the Valley View School District for thirty years. After retirement, she continued the job she loved as a substitute teacher for another ten years. Her love for kids and the people who teach them inspired Charlotte to run for the school board. Her background in teaching and as a longtime resident of the community make her uniquely qualified for the position. Charlotte wants to enhance the programs we already have for our students and brings to the table new ideas about how to further enrich the lives of children through education.

Mustafa Syed – a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, Mustafa has been married for 25 years and has two children. He has a master’s in business administration and bachelors in commerce. He has more than 15 years of experience in Information Technology (IT) in software development, testing, and implementation. Presently working as IT consultant and Project Manager. Mustafa has extensively traveled the world and is an avid follower of world politics. His interest includes reading gardening, interiors, sports and community involvement. He believes that schools have a very strong and direct impact every resident of Bolingbrook village, including those without children as school ratings affect home values, not just the lives of our children. Mustafa wants to work towards improving Valley View 365U’s overall ratings to benefit not only our children but also taxpayers and homeowners.

Fountaindale Library Board of Trustees

Otis Gatlin – is a 13-year resident of Bolingbrook grew up in Chicago and graduated from Lane Tech College Prep. Otis has 3 kids, 2 daughters, and 1 son. Otis works for Chase Bank as a mortgage underwriter and attended college at Wilbur Wright College. His hobbies include reading, traveling and watching the NBA and NFL. Otis is running for Library Board because he wants to make the Library more transparent and accessible to all Bolingbrook citizens. As a resident Otis has attended several Library Board meetings and has been disappointed to see some board members repeatedly fail to regularly attend meetings or arrive on time and believes this is a disservice to our residents.

Ryan Harter – is an 8-year resident of Bolingbrook. Ryan and his wife, Sara, moved to Bolingbrook in 2011; their son, Milo, was born in 2017. Ryan is part of a small mobile app business and enjoys sharing his expertise with the community by supporting local tech events. He’s always enjoyed being a part of the community and wants to do his part to contribute to the wonderful resource that is the Fountaindale Library. Until moving to Bolingbrook Ryan wasn’t fully aware of everything that a library could be. He believes that the library is more than a collection of books and movies, it serves an important role as a place to gather, share ideas, and learn. Because of this, as a trustee, Ryan’s goal is to raise awareness for our incredible library and everything it has to offer.

Deb Savage – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook with a bachelor’s & masters in nursing & administration. Currently, she serves the community as an elected Will Co Regional School Board Trustee. She is a member of Chamberlain University’s national library & information resources committee and is the former head of the library committee on the Addison campus. Deb wants more residents in Bolingbrook to know all of the terrific resources the library has and how to access them. She wants to expand library resources, services, and events; and to ensure taxpayer dollars are being used wisely and that library decisions are evidence-based in the best interest for all Bolingbrook residents.

Park District Board

Saud Gazanfer – is a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, is married to Subuhi Humera, a physician at Advocate Good Smartian Hospital, and has two children. A self-described techie, entrepreneur, environmentalist, and coffee lover, Saud is currently employed as a Senior Software Engineer. Saud is running for Park District Board as he wants to modernize the existing park district infrastructure as well as promote fiscal responsibility by cutting the losses from loss generating programs. He wants to market the facilities aggressively by increasing the social media footprint to generate business and resident usage as well as reaching out to more communities with the park district facilities to ensure maximum participation of residents. In addition, Saud wants to encourage and promote more family and senior citizen programs and special programs for physically challenged residents.
For more information about this press release contact: Joe Giamanco of Bolingbrook United, at 773-354-8909 or [email protected].

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Illuminati covert audit finds no evidence DuPage Township illegally funded interstellar charities (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A covert team of Illuminati auditors found no evidence that the DuPage Township fraudulently spent millions of interstellar credits on donations to interstellar charities.  During a conference announcing their findings, they also accused DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford of wasting their time.

“We risked our lives by breaking into Clow UFO Base for our forensic audit,” said Milton, the leader of the auditing team.  “We were able to reconcile the finance records inside Clow with copies kept at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  We’ve come to the conclusion that Trustee Benford has no idea what she’s talking about, and has a militant desire to talk about it.  She owes us a half-million credits for wasting our time— but we will accept an apology.”

Benford refused to apologize.  “I’m saddened to see that once again our township has hired incompetent forensic auditors.  The firm that audited our public funds found trivial errors, but couldn’t discover the thousands of dollars I know are missing!  This firm is worse.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think the corrupt Chicago political machine has touched our fine county and our fine galaxy.  I can’t wait to become a State Representative so I can rage against the machine and spread chaos to all of Illinois.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also a high ranking Illuminati official, was not pleased.  “Alyssia, I told you not to spread chaos in my village, and you didn’t listen to me!  You’re supposed to spread chaos to the rest of the state—  Not here!”

“We’re spreading chaos everywhere!” said Trustee Dennis Raga.  “We’re Illuminati Knights of Chaos!  We’re going to bring down the New World Order with booze!  Boobs!  EDM!  Booze!  Booze!  EDM! Boobs—”

“Shut up!” interrupted Claar.  “I’m going to give both of you an opportunity think about what you’ve done.  This weekend, both of you will be canvassing for 16th Congressional Candidate Sara Dady!”

“She’s the Democrat Party candidate,” gasped Benford.

“Yes, and I expect both of you to do a good job of canvassing for her.  I thought of worse punishments, but this is appropriate for your actions.  Don’t prove me wrong!”

Both trustees cried then agreed to canvass for Dady.

Benford and Raga could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had visitors waiting for him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Spencer seemed to be role-playing different characters: “‘Alyssia asked for a flyer from the Bolingbrook Rotary Club.  Then she gave them taxpayer money without approval from the board.  This proves she’s corrupt!’  ‘That’s a vicious attack against the only honest township trustee.  It took her seven years to discover that the Township staff is incompetent.  We should reward her with a higher political office.’  ‘Guys!  Left or Right, I think we can all agree that townships are hopelessly corrupt and should be abolished.’”

A man cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi Bob!”

“Charlene, are you playing with your fake Facebook accounts like they’re action figures?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m helping my client’s campaign to destroy all townships in Illinois.”

“I understand, but do you really have to use your sock puppets to smear anyone working for a township?  There are some decent people working in these townships, and I don’t think they deserve your unethical attacks.  Speaking of which, did you really need to attack me in your last post?”

“Attacked?  Bob, if you think I’m attacking you now, just wait until next year.  Igor and I have someone very special planned for your slate of candidates.”

Also in the Babbler:

Representative Roskam compares Sean Casten to Donald Trump
Aliens drove Bolingbrook Porkchop out of business, says the owner
Mayor Claar bans Gunkata classes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/18

Village Board attends the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference (Fiction)

Village Board members and selected guests attended the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference, which was held during the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Modeled after the popular T.E.D. conferences, the goal of B.E.D, according to promotional materials, is to promote “Real talk about real solutions for Bolingbrook’s real residents.”

Hosted at the Village Hall, attendees divided their time between speakers and the festival outside.

“I’ve never been to a conference that also had carnival rides,” Said John, a Bolingbrook business owner who asked that we not publish his last name.  “This is fun and enlightening.  That’s what makes Bolingbrook, Bolingbrook.”

One of the organizers, who asked not to be identified, said the conference, which has been in the planning stages since 2010, is important to the future of Bolingbrook:  “There’s a certain group of people who always complain about things, but never offer solutions.  At least we’re offering solutions.  Solutions that are so far outside the box, you can’t see the box from their location.”

Speaker Blake Walker Swain talked about changing the length of political office terms in Bolingbrook:  “We know one four year term is too short.  Bolingbrook has had too many one term or less mayors.  We know two terms aren’t long enough either.  Just look at Mayor Bob Bailey.  Everyone here knows that Bolingbrook functions best when we have a mayor that seems to have a limitless term.”

Swain proposed that Bolingbrook mayors should be elected to one 40 year term.  He also suggested that trustees should be appointed by the mayor to a ten-year term.  A mayor could then reappoint trustees at their discretion.

“The usual suspects won’t like this plan,” said Swain.  “But intellectually, we know this is a good plan.  It includes term limits, which one side wants, and it does away with mob rule, which is what Bolingbrook’s real residents want.”

Thomas Z. Miller proposed abolishing local taxes and fees and replacing them with an online fundraising page:  “It would be just like Patreon.  The more you donate each month, the more benefits you would receive.  Now the usual suspects would say this is corruption.  But I say its common sense, and I’m sure the thought leaders in the audience agree with me.”

Mayor Roger Claar and the trustees who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party smiled and nodded during the speeches.

Near the end of the conference, Bolingbrook United trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said to Claar: “All I’m hearing are proposals.  When do we get to the discussion part?  I want to go over the problems with these ideas.”

 Claar reached into a cooler and pulled out a frozen Asian Carp.  He extended it towards Jaskiewicz.

“What are you doing?”  asked Jaskiewicz.

Claar pulled the fish back and examined it.  “It didn’t trigger Bob.  What am I doing wrong?”

Also in the Babbler:

Jaycees remove psychic from bingo tent
Residents upset over the lack of UFO rides at the Jubilee
Time traveler confused by cover bands performing at the Jubilee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%. 

Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Roskam:  My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18