Interstellar Court refuses to suspend voting in Illinois (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, refused to suspend the 2022 Illinois elections.

“None of Earth’s treaties with the Interstellar Commonwealth grant me the power to suspend any election on Earth,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Even if I had that power, I still would not do it.”

The plaintiffs, the Clow UFO Base Republicans, argued the suspension was necessary to prevent Republican candidates from suffering “severe emotional trauma.”

“Theft is a terrible crime,” said Shelia Z. Parker to the judge. “To have an election stolen from you is the worst kind of theft. Please, your honor, save my clients from the trauma of election theft.”

Karen X. O’Malley, representing the state of Illinois, blasted election fraud claims. “Illinois elections are free and fair, thanks to the hard work of Secretary of State Jessie White.  This lawsuit serves no purpose except to protect the GOP’s candidates’ egos by robbing the public of their right to vote.”

Mayor Keith Pekau, running against Representative Sean Casten in IL 6, testified that he’s already been traumatized by the campaign: “Since the general election started, I’ve had terrible nightmares. Just last night, I dreamt that Sean was pelting me with facts about global warming. Then when it was my turn, my clothes disappeared! Everyone was laughing at me, and no one paid attention to my alternative facts. Please save me from Sean!”

O’Malley asked Pekau if he believed any Democrat has legitimately won an election. 

“Impossible,” said Pekau. When reminded that he was under oath, he added. “Yes, some candidates might have more votes. But that doesn’t mean they won!”

Catalina Lauf, who is running against Rep. Bill Foster, stunned observers when she accused Foster of bringing in alien cat voters to vote for him. “Foster’s aliens have invaded our schools and use kitty litter instead of toilets! I’ve never met a human who supports Bill. Therefore, all of his supporters are aliens!”

When asked which schools provide kitty litter for students, she replied, “Stop stealing my freedom of speech with your oppressive facts! Freedom!”

Illinois House Representative Chris Bos testified he was entitled to his position. “There’s no way a young woman can beat me.” Bos then flexed his arm muscles. “Republicans are strong. Strong people win elections. It would be a crime if I lost this election. So, please, your honor, prevent this crime against Republicans before it’s too late!”

Governor JB Pritzker denied cheating in the 2018 election. “I bought that one fair and square. Just like I bought my opponent, Darren Bailey, for this election.” 

O’Malley celebrated the ruling: “This is a great day for Illinois. Americans have paid for our democracy with their blood. We shouldn’t throw it away over the price of gasoline.”

Parker said she was disappointed, but vowed to fight on: “I’m confident that either Justice Clarence Thomas will throw out the Democrats’ fake votes, or the Republican majority in Congress will refuse to seat any Democrats. Tomorrow belongs to me. I mean us!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook rejects hiring bathroom genital inspectors
Psychic: Supreme Court to rule democracy is unconstitutional
Trump supporters abducted after shooting of a UFO
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/3/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

All hands, abandon Twitter! (Plus a quick personal update) (Non-Fiction)

Elon Musk

Bored billionaire Elon Musk (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

I didn’t expect Elon to buy Twitter, but he did. PZ posts about how we’re getting a taste of its future. Will it become a flaming troll pit or a safe place for advertisers to flood Twitter streams with ads? I don’t want to find out. So I’ve deleted both of my Twitter accounts. I can always create a new account if the worst doesn’t happen.

So far, the only downside is that I wasn’t able to register for any prizes at this year’s SelfPubCon Maybe next year they’ll come up with a new system. I suspect I’ll be seeing how Twitter is woven into so many parts of the Internet over the next few weeks.

In other news, my wife has been very busy, and she didn’t have a chance to edit my recent Babbler article. I’m hoping to have it up by Monday, and I might throw in some bonus content to make up for it. It also means her practice is growing.

I’m also working on the follow-up to Pathways to Bolingbrook. The working title is Intersections, but I don’t think it will be the final title. Hopefully, I can get it out in November. It will feature the main characters from Pathways in the same story.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to start the follow-up to The Rift next month, but I’ll give it a shot. It would be nice to have the first drift completed in months, instead of years. As for the story? It won’t be the skeptical movement striking back. Instead, Tom will risk his career and his life to uncover a dark secret from Bolingbrook’s past.

Until next time.

 

TikTok reading of The Rift by Teri Schnaubelt on 10/17/22 at 8 PM CST

Actress and audiobook narrator Teri Schnaubelt will read an excerpt from my novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, and excerpts from other self-published authors. It will be live-streamed on her TikTok starting on Monday at 8 PM CST.

@terischnaubelt Never before heard in audio! Live Oct 17 8pm central. Scenes from books by indie authors! Different genres. #booktok #audiobooktok #audiobooknarrator #audiobooks #live #listenlive #bookish #books #indieauthorsoftiktok #terischnaubelt @William Brinkman_Author @Lisa Amowitz YA fantasy author @Ruby Duvall 〜 Romance Author @emilycolinbooks @Vicky Walklate – Author @Melinda_Valentine @Kenzie Macallan📚 Author ♬ Don’t Know Why – Norah Jones

I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I don’t have plans to release an audiobook version of The Rift with a human narrator. I have an auto-narrated version on Google Play, but that’s just so people with visual impairment can hear it. AI narration isn’t ready for fictional works. When I have the budget, I will replace it with a version narrated by a person. While I have some of the equipment to record an audiobook, I don’t think I could pull off the character’s voices for 6+ hours.

Fortunately, I have an audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook narrated by Rachanee Lumayno. Her performance outshines any of the current AI voices. I hope you’ll check out the audiobook, which is available on Amazon, Kobo, and other sites.

DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Sample from the Audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook (non-fiction)

The cover of Pathways to BolingbrookI finally figured out how to post an audio sample from my current audiobook, Pathways to Bolingbrook. It’s a collection of two paranormal/contemporary fantasy stories that kick off The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories series. Rachanee Lumayno narrates both stories. It features Sara, who also appears in The Rift, and Miriam, who will be featured in future works.

It’s also available in eBook and paperback. For a limited time, you can get a copy when you subscribe to my author newsletter.

 

 

 

Being an author this week (Non-fiction)

This week I’m working on an exclusive short story for my newsletter subscribers. Years after the events in Pathways to Bolingbrook, Miriam is now a vampire named Lydia. While investigating why an army of weredeer is gathering outside of Bolingbrook, Lydia crosses paths with Sara, now the editor of the Babbler. But she isn’t the only one who’s taken an interest in Sara. Can Lydia protect Sara from a threat that’s even more dangerous than the gathering weredeer?

I’m hoping to have it ready in October. If you want to make sure you catch the debut, subscribe to my newsletter. And the other books in the series, Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are on sale at Amazon and other vendors. Back to my other screen!

Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

The Rift is on sale this week (Non-Fiction)

Cover of The Rift

The Rift is on sale.

From now until the end of Friday, you can get the eBook version of The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story for $.99.

The Rift is an urban fantasy/sci-fi novel inspired by the Deep Rifts/Elevatorgate. A public rift has erupted within the atheist/skeptical movement. Pro-social justice skeptics are rallying to form Humanist Heart as a progressive alternative two the two establishment organizations. Mens Rights Activists and so-called moderates are rallying against what they claim is a feminist takeover of “their” movement.  Blogger Tom Larsen is a rising star known for his posts portraying “modern feminists” as a threat to the movement. He’s secretly mad at progressive podcaster Jamie Kyle for a video that indirectly criticized his behavior towards her at a convention. On the verge of becoming a full-fledged MRA, Tom discovers that Jamie and Humanist Heart will be in his hometown of Bolingbrook for a special congress. Tom is so desperate to confront Jamie that he’s willing to ally with  the Babbler, the local tabloid known for its wild paranormal claims about Bolingbrook.

But Tom’s worldview is shattered when his test assignment for the Babbler ends when a weredeer attacks him and he wakes up inside Clow UFO Base. The movement he defeated is built on a public lie. As Tom Lear not he truth, MRA protesters menacingly rally outside the congress. A weredeer army gathers outside of Bolingbrook. Time rifts open throughout Bolingbrook and the aliens have an assignment for Tom. Tom needs answers.  The Babbler and Jamie are the only ones who can help him. Can Tom get past his rage and face the unbelievable truth about the movement and himself before the rift unleashes a dark future for humanity?

Find out in The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.