Bolingbrook Antifa secures tank (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Antifa, an anti-fascist group, announced that it now has a Leopard 2A5 tank.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“It is now clear to us that police departments will only deploy armored vehicles whenever groups like Black Lives Matter protest,” read the press release. “Since we doubt that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would ask for tanks if neo-Nazi militias occupied Bolingbrook, we’ve decided to get a tank for ourselves.”

According to the press release, the tank is street legal, and its cannon is disabled. The statement went on to say there was a gun mounted on it, but that it would only be used “for self-defense.” Bolingbrook Antifa also bragged about the tank being “stick-proof and car-proof.”

A Bolingbrook Antifa member, who asked to be called Emma, said she is ecstatic that they now have a tank. “You can’t reason with hardcore Fascists. They only understand violence. They think it’s fine when they try to intimidate people with their torches, shields, and sticks. If you hit them back, however, they become a bunch of crybabies. They’re going to call our tank intimidating and violent. That’s fine with us. Bolingbrook is a safe and diverse community. Our tank will protect the village from those who want to commit genocide!”

Noam, another Bolingbrook Antifa member, said it was easy to get the tank into Bolingbrook: “We just put a Trump flag on it, and the police didn’t care.” He also added that the tank is hidden, and they will only use it if Fascists come to Bolingbrook.

A police officer, who asked to be called Bob, says the department now cares about the presence of a tank in Bolingbrook. “This is a dangerous escalation! Do you know why Bolingbrook is a safe community? Because only the police are allowed to use violence. Sure you can defend yourself, but then you have to stop once we arrive! They need to get that tank out of Bolingbrook and respect law and order.”

When trying to reach Claar for comment, a receptionist said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Don’t tell Roger I said this, but I think it might be more useful to attend the Resistance Fair than to drive a tank around Bolingbrook. Don’t you think?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Intern Charlene said, “You know, Money Magazine hasn’t ranked Bolingbrook as one of the best places to live since 2014, right?”

A man who sounded like Claar replied: “The fact that they ever selected us is all that matters.”

“Ah. So it’s like a video game achievement. You’ll always have it, no matter what your current gaming skills are.”

“I guess.”

Also in the Babbler:

Partial Eclipse means Bolingbrook will be safe on 8/21/17
Torchlight parades banned at Clow UFO Base
UFO makes emergency landing after getting hit by a meteor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/17

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast. Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello. I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump. My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.” Claar then turned towards the camera. “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes. It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti. “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting. Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed. Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work. “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter. You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them? Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook. They refused me access to my hanger. They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives. I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal. No big deal? I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal. The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct. Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over. In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport. We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast. Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived. Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters. Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives. According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast. Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park. It will become a profitable tourist attraction. Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less. I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again. Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Undead to protest Theater on the Hill’s production of Night of the Living Dead (Fiction)

Five undead Bolingbrook residents plan to picket Theater on the Hill’s auditions for their production of Night of the Living Dead:

Theater on the hill will be holding auditions for their production of Night of the Living dead on 8/7/17 and 8/8/17.

“They’re using public property to enforce negative stereotypes about the undead,” said Karen, a resident who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 1998. “It’s bad enough that I can’t go to the movies or watch TV without seeing some grotesque stereotype about the undead. Why does a theater company have to denigrate the undead?”

The Bolingbrook chapter of the Undead Society hopes to use their protest to 1) counter myths about the undead, and 2) to persuade the company to let a representative from the society address the audience after each performance.

“The living may treat this play like it’s harmless entertainment,” said Adam, who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 2002. “ To us, Night of the Living Dead is the equivalent to Birth of a Nation. We don’t want to ban the production. We just want the audience to know the truth about being undead.”

According to the society’s literature, Night of the Living Dead contains many inaccuracies about the undead. They do not eat flesh, especially brains. “Terminal Living” is not contagious, and the undead are not a sign of a “zombie apocalypse.”

“I’ve been shot in the head three times,” said Joan, who has been terminally living in Bolingbrook since 1966. “Before Night of the Living Dead came out, everyone was cool with my condition. Since that movie, I have lost my friends, and I’m confined to the basement. If it weren’t for cable TV, I wouldn’t know what was going on in the world. I’m so happy that my husband has been so supportive.”

Karen has tried to reach out to Theater on the Hill’s staff, but they hung up on her. She also tried to speak with Mayor Roger Claar, but he refused to help:

“I told him about our situation, and he asked if we had donated to his campaign fund or Heart Haven Outreach. I said we don’t have any money. He asked if we voted for him in the last election. I said no because the undead aren’t allowed to vote in Will and DuPage Counties. He replied, ‘Then why are we having this conversation?’ The nerve of that man! If Jackie Traynere had won, I bet she would have listened to us.”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement: “Although the undead do not have any rights in Bolingbrook, we will let them protest. They must not tell people that they are not really undead. We will incinerate any undead who disturb the peace.”

Claar and Theater on the Hill did not respond to requests for comments.

Though Karen says she has no future, she still hopes the protest will improve relations between the living and the undead: “Before my soft flesh completely rots away, and I can finally die, I want to see a world where the undead are respected as sentient beings and not seen as monsters. Is that too much to ask for?”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar: I still wasn’t born in Pakistan
Bolingbrook First Party working on 24 hour Roger Claar channel
Mud monsters spotted at Lollapalooza
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/9/17

Sources: Bolingbrook to enact ‘Amazon Tax’ (Fiction)

Will Bolingbrook impose a 100% tax on online purchases? Sources with relatives close to village government officials say yes.

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“Amazon is attacking our local businesses and printing fake news about our President,” said one source. “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) isn’t going to take it anymore.”

These sources agree that the so-called Amazon Tax will be voted on during a September meeting of the Village Board. The 100% tax will be imposed only on retailers who do not have a brick-and-mortar presence in Bolingbrook. Bolingbrook police officers will be allowed collect the tax if they catch any resident receiving merchandise bought from an online retailer. The tax is expected to hit Amazon, eBay, and Etsy the hardest. Residents can avoid the tax if they purchase a $100 annual subscription to bolingbrook.com.

“Some people will call this protectionism,” said another source. “We prefer to think of it as Roger delivering on one of Trump’s promises. Trump promised to protect American businesses. Bolingbrook is part of America. So by protecting our village’s businesses, we’re protecting America’s businesses. You could say that Roger is making America great again. Roger is great, but he’s too modest to be our President.”

Blake, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, praised the proposed tax. “This tax will generate needed revenue for the village and help all of our members. Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wanted to spend money on an economic development office. We’re going to make money off this tax instead.”

Joan Z. Phillips, the owner of an Etsy shop in Naperville, opposes the tax. “Some of my best customers are in Bolingbrook. I’ll lose them if this tax is passed. We’re not a major corporation threatening Bolingbrook’s businesses. We’re a small business trying to earn a living off the Internet. If this tax succeeds in Bolingbrook, the idea will spread, and we’ll be ruined. Besides, Claar is a Republican. Since when do Republicans propose new taxes?”

Amazon sent an unsigned e-mail stating that they are not worried about the tax:

“All we have to do is open a Whole Foods store in Bolingbrook, and we will be exempt from the tax. There is a reason we bought Whole Paycheck besides our desire to sell overpriced groceries over the Internet.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not comment on the existence of the tax.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, we now have a sister city in Pakistan. This will improve my relations with the local Muslim community and undermine Bolingbrook United’s political base. Do you understand your role in this?”

“It’s pivot time, Roger. I took dance classes, so I’m good at pivoting. In fact, let me read my new press release to you. ‘Bolingbrook celebrates Sialkot’s liberation from the oppression of unrestrained democracy. Sialkot will now prosper under a new national government properly balanced between its civilian and military branches. It is also our wish that someday our police department will be allowed to have a greater say in who governs Bolingbrook.’ What do you think? We do have to support our older siblings, of course.”

“I’m all too familiar with that. However, I think I need to explain the concept of sister cities to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar apologizes after Trump calls Martian Colonists stupid
Pterodactyl spotted over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook police arrest Denisovan man for prostitution
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/3/17

From the Webmaster: Maybe Milo and skepticism shouldn’t mix?

By Wendy Onofrey

Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

For some reason, Skeptic decided to post a review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s new book Dangerous. Let’s just say that if Michael Shermer’s Moral Arc bends towards Milo, then count the staff of the Babbler out.

PZ Myers rightly condemns this favorable review.

Of course, this ‘review’ cites all the usual crap: Christina Hoff Sommers, there is no such thing as rape culture, except that when there is it comes from Islam, the police are the greatest defenders of the black community, and of course, political correctness, identity politics, and cultural Marxism. It’s a totally mindless recitation of the nonsense you get on Reddit and in YouTube comments.

Even Hayley Stevens has problems with the review and what its publication says about the skeptical movement.

Something like skepticism, as an approach to assessing claims and being proactive about tackling harmful misinformation, should be as free from ideologies as possible, and yet certain sections of organized skepticism (read: American, male, rich, and famous) seem to specifically target feminists, “identity politics” and some areas of the LGBTQ community – namely trans* people while writing fond reviews of problematic public figures such as Milo.

When Hayley and PZ agree, that’s a sign that maybe you’re doing something wrong.

To add insult to injury, Phil Torres writes for Salon about what he sees as the descent of New Atheism.

Although the new atheist movement once filled me with a great sense of optimism about the future of humanity, this is no longer the case. Movements always rise and fall — they have a life cycle, of sorts — but the fall of this movement has been especially poignant for me. The new atheists of today would rather complain about “trigger warnings” in classrooms than eliminate rape on campuses. They’d rather whine about “safe spaces” than help transgender people feel accepted by society. They loudly claim to support free speech and yet routinely ban dissenters from social media, blogs and websites.

All in all, it hasn’t been a good week for New Atheism.

Time for me to back to work on the next issue of the Babbler. The staff on a big story that I plan on posting on Monday or Tuesday.

From the Webmaster: Save Snopes (Mixed)

We’ve had disagreements with Snopes before. OK, a lot of differences, but we can’t deny that they are one of the best sites on the Internet. With “fake news” and “alternative facts” flooding the Internet, they’re one of the best places to go for real news and real facts.

Is this the end of Snopes?

Now they’re facing financial problems and a legal dispute which may force them to shut down.

Since our inception, we have always been a self-sustaining site that provides a free service to the online world: we’ve had no sponsors, no outside investors or funding, and no source of revenue other than that provided by online advertising. Unfortunately, we have been cut off from our historic source of advertising income.

We had previously contracted with an outside vendor to provide certain services for Snopes.com. That contractual relationship ended earlier this year, but the vendor will not acknowledge the change in contractual status and continues to essentially hold the Snopes.com web site hostage. Although we maintain editorial control (for now), the vendor will not relinquish the site’s hosting to our control, so we cannot modify the site, develop it, or — most crucially — place advertising on it. The vendor continues to insert their own ads and has been withholding the advertising revenue from us.

Snopes has setup a fundraising page in response. As of this writing, it’s still short of its $500,000 goal. Most of the staff of the Babbler, including myself, have donated.

For over twenty years, Snopes has practiced skepticism in its purest form. If we’re willing to support it, then maybe all of the skeptical readers who frequent Freethought Blogs should too.

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Mayor Claar tries to replace Trustee Jaskiewicz with an android (Fiction)

Did Mayor Roger Claar offer to replace Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz with an android? Some sources say yes.

“Sure we’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Roger’s robots,’” said one of the sources. “But I never thought they were real until now.”

The sources agree that Claar was upset after Jaskiewicz gave a speech criticizing Claar for refusing to put two items on the meeting agenda. After the meeting had adjourned, Claar brought Jaskiewicz into his office. Most of the sources said that Claar talked about the rumors that his trustees are androids.

According to the sources, Claar said the following:

“You know residents have called my trustees robots, and the Babbler has reported on my android factory. They’re not telling the whole truth. All of them are humans. They have histories you can confirm. The reality is that my trustees don’t attend the meetings. Their android doubles do. It’s a great arrangement. They can spend more time with their families- and I get trustees who will always vote yes, and give public service announcements. It also reduces meeting times, which save on our electric bills.”

Next, Claar reportedly made an offer to Jaskiewicz: “Due to complicated agreements between the New World Order and the Illuminati, I can’t remove you and replace you with an android. But I can ask you to have an android sit in for you at the village board meetings. Think about it. Do you want to be bored at our meetings, or do you want to be home with your family? I’ll even let you decide which announcements it will make at the end of the meeting.”

Jaskiewicz allegedly replied, “The New World Order and the residents elected me so I could stand up to you. You’re not going to replace me with one of your robots.”

Claar allegedly answered, “Then I vow to bore you to death so I will be able to replace a foe with a resident!”

Jaskiewicz did not reply before the deadline.

A receptionist for Claar replied that he was busy with intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charlene, I hear you’re organizing an Internet counter-attack against Bob.”

“Yes. I’ve already written the viral articles. What do you think of these headlines? ‘Based Mayor bashes bumbling trustee.’ ‘Awesome mayor destroys anarchist trustee.’ ‘Smart mayor shreds stupid opponent. Why won’t the liberal media report this?’”

“I just adjourned the meeting after he ranted. I didn’t reply.”

“The article will mention that, but it’s the headline that counts. No one reads the articles. Oh! Which background should I use for the memes? I have this GIF I call ‘Tired Jaskiewicz.’ I also have an animated GIF called ‘Swiveling Jaskiewicz.’ Which do you like?”

“Before I answer that question, I need to ask you if you used village property to make these items. Someone could say that they’re for political purposes, and I would be forced to hold a disciplinary hearing.”

“Um. Aren’t my niece and nephew cute?”

“They are, but I’m a career politician. That trick won’t work on me.”

“Drat. Um, I’m sure my parents can donate to your campaign fund.”

“I can accept it, and still give you a fair hearing.”

Also in the Babbler:

Prophet Muhammad argues with Mayor Claar
Bolingbrook’s Bigfoot insists it is not a ghost
Mayor Claar dares Russians to flood Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/17

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration? Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa. “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly. So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country. Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism. We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage. We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me. The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test. In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’ I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge. I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks. He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army. He told me not to talk so loud. I asked if he was serious. He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores? I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill. Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.” The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup: “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country. Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party! I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause! I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline! I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger. Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them. Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump. We don’t need dog whistles anymore. We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’ (Fiction)

From the webmaster: I’ve decided to experiment with reposting articles from our previous website. If it works out, I might make it weekly feature. With the Refuse Fascism protests coming up this Saturday, I think this article from 12/5/16 is timely.

While communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”

The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.” The report continues. “Communists can’t even start a revolution on the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an event with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the parties’ strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn’t organize, and splintering Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country. None of the parties have the tactical and leadership skills necessary to take on the most advanced army in the world. None of the parties work together. In the event of a national upheaval, the best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos. None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization. “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to fighting a revolution and were somewhat secretive about their plans. Today they have a Wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming within their groups. “Let’s be honest. It didn’t work in the USSR. It resulted in a disaster for China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future of US Communism. The first involves actively recruiting military veterans so communists organizations will have members with the skills necessary to fight a revolution. The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter. While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed the Standing Rock movement. Maybe instead of trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review. “OMG. This report is just a collection of opinions. There are almost no numbers. Though I do agree with one of their points. Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

The Bolingbrook Babbler

The truth is unbelievable!

Gaetz quits

Poster boy for MAGA politicians

If you can keep it

Give More of Yourself

International Mens' Day?

A better masculinity, for those who don't want it

Bolingbrook Antifa secures tank (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

Sources: Bolingbrook to enact ‘Amazon Tax’ (Fiction)

From the Webmaster: Save Snopes (Mixed)

Mayor Claar tries to replace Trustee Jaskiewicz with an android (Fiction)

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’ (Fiction)