Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)

Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17

Hurricane Relief Links (Non-Fiction)

If you’re looking for charities to donate to following Hurricane Irma, Vox has a list of charities.

The article also brings up some good points regarding donations:

  • Do your own research before giving to any group.

  • Groups with strong local ties to their community can sometimes be the best option.

  • You have a right to demand accountability of the groups you give to.

As a reminder, Foundation Beyond Belief is still raising funds for Hurricane Harvey recovery efforts.

Sources: Bolingbrook vows crackdown against local Antifa cell (Fiction)

After federal agencies declared Antifa to be a terrorist organization, sources say the Bolingbrook police department will confront the Bolingbrook cell of the anti-fascist group.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“Violence in the name of anti-fascism and anti-racism is just as wrong as violence in the name of fascism and racism,” said one source within the police department.  “Bolingbrook is a peaceful community, and we want to keep it that way.”

Though various versions of Antifa, which is short for anti-fascist, have been around since the 1930s, Antifa activities in the US increased following the election of President Donald Trump.  Notable actions include shutting down Milo Yiannopoulos’s speech in Berkeley, CA; confrontations with Neo-nazis during the Unite the Right protest in Charlottesville, VA; and an attack against suspected Alt-right members during an anti-fascist counter protest in Berkeley.

According to various sources, Bolingbrook police officers will be interviewing anyone who could be interested in joining Antifa:

“Democrats, Republicans in Name Only, residents with an unusual interest in the rise of Nazism, people whose relatives were targeted by the Nazis or fascists, and anyone who has ever spoken out or posted against Fascism or the so-called ‘alt-right.’  We will do whatever it takes to ensure peace in Bolingbrook.”

Emma, who claims to be a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denounced the alleged crackdown.

“Most of our time is spent searching the Internet for posts by Bolingbrook fascists.  Our work so far has been non-violent.”

Emma, however, said that they would defend Bolingbrook if racists and fascists marched on Bolingbrook.

“With all of the negative coverage Antifa has received, you’d almost forget that a woman was killed by a white supremacist a few weeks ago, or that five white supremacists beat a man, or that a white supremacist shot at a counter-protester and the police did nothing.  These are violent people.  I’m sure there are decent officers on the Bolingbrook police force, but we can’t rely on them to protect us if fascists march on Bolingbrook.  We love our diverse community enough to protect it.  If that means buying a used tank and spending money on guns, shields, mace, and batons, we’ll do it.  Right now we can’t reason with fascists.  We have to defend ourselves now.  If we give them a platform in Bolingbrook, they will use it to stage attacks against all marginalized communities.  No ethnic cleansing in Bolingbrook!  We’re going to live up to our name, and we invite all anti-fascist residents to support us!”

Charline Spencer, an unofficial spokesperson for the village of Bolingbrook, neither confirmed or denied the existence of a police crackdown against Bolingbrook Antifa:

“If Antifa uses violence, or if the Alt-right attempts any leaderless resistance actions in Bolingbrook, they will be arrested.  The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Roger Claar said, “OK.  No more memes, no more attempts at irony.  No more silly hand signals.  Tell me exactly what the Pepe the Frog Fan Club of Bolingbrook wants.”

Pepe fan club member: “We want to make Bolingbrook white for the first time.”

A man who sounds like Claar: “Get the (expletive deleted) out of my office now.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Labor Day, Bolingbrook!
Clow UFO Base to impose Illuminati only policy
Anarchist zombies spotted in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/9/17

Web Exclusive: Psychic frightened by vision of Bolingbrook in 2065 (Fiction)

Long time Bolingbrook psychic Mona was so frightened after her vision of the future, that her screams prompted neighbors to call the police.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The future is doomed!  Bolingbrook is doomed!  We are doomed!” – Mona said, according to residents.

Officers managed to calm her down and did not arrest her.

Afterwards, Mona spoke and  provided a transcript of her vision to the Babbler.  She claims her vision was from a Village Board Meeting in the year 2065:

A priest, holding a water bottle, enters the board room.  The all male audience members stand.

Priest:  Let us praise our Mayor in Heaven

Audience (Raise their hands):  For he built our infrastructure, banished the flood waters, purged the warlords, guided our ancestors through the great chaos, then ascended to Heaven.  He has always has been and always will be our mayor.

Priest:  Be seated.

The audience sits down.

Priest: Before ascending to Heaven, our Mayor in Heaven appointed the Keepers of the Water to be his voice on Earth.  Every four years, our Mayor in Heaven selects a Vice-mayor to administer his Earthy affairs.  Today, Our Mayor in Heaven has selected George Brown to be his Vice-mayor.  Come forth, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown steps forward, and the priest puts a golden mask on him.  The mask vaguely resembles current Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

Priest:  You will now be known as the Vice-Mayor.

Brown:  I serve at the pleasure of our Mayor in Heaven.

Brown sits in a chair next to a large chair that hasn’t been used for decades.  

Brown:  My trustees will take their seats.

Five men wearing black robes walk on stage and go to their seats.

Brown:  By serving as my trustees, you agree to accept a vow of silence for the next four years.  Any who speak during the next four years will be known as a Jask.

Audience:  The Jask was the servant of the she-devils who tried to dethrone Our Mayor in Heaven.  The she-devils fooled the residents into voting for them.  Voting is evil.  Women are evil.  Evil is not allowed in Village Hall.

The trustees take their seats.

Brown: Some residents bought illegal trash toters to collect rainwater.  This has angered our Mayor in Heaven.  He has denied us — has denied us rain.   He has taken water from our wells.  He has turned our lawns brown as punishment.  So I turn to the Keepers for guidance. What must we do to regain Our Mayor In Heaven’s love?

Priest:  The She-devils’ minions want us to believe in global warming.  They lie to us about Bolingbrook becoming a desert.  We must resist their lies.  The demons are hoarding Lake Michigan water.  Our Mayor in Heaven has told me of a clear path to salvation.  First, we must launch another crusade to liberate Lake Michigan’s water from the demons.  Then we must expand the Golf Club to show Him that we still love him.

Audience:  We will fight!

A woman runs towards a podium.

Woman:  Lies!  All lies.  There never was a Mayor in Heaven.  Bolingbrook had more than one mayor in its past!

Priest:  Wicked liar.  Donate to the Holy Campaign fund, and I may absolve you of your sins.

Woman:  The last elected mayor was Roger C. Claar.  He led us into the great chaos by supporting President Donald Trump.  There were never any Keepers of the Water.  There was an organization called Heart Haven Outreach, and it was founded by a woman!

Audience gasps.

Brown:  You’re are in denial of the truth.  It requires more faith to believe that Bolingbrook was founded by mortals than to believe in our Mayor in Heaven.  It is also insanity to think that a woman could have founded our faith.

Security guards approached the woman.

Woman:  It is true.  We must embrace real truth again if we are to survive the great drought.  Join the resistance!  Let us become a United Bolingbrook once again!  Science forever, not religion!

The woman runs out to the boardroom.  Guards follow.

Priest:  Our raiders will catch her, and purify her in the bathtub of faith.  May she no longer be at risk of becoming a she-devil.  Let us now have a moment of silence, for the millions who died for the chaos frog.

Mona said that her vision did not have to become reality:  “If we want to see another mayoral election, we have to get rid of Trump.  Roger is a good man, but I don’t want a future where residents are forced to worship him!”

When this reporter called Village Hall for a comment, a receptionist replied that Claar was busy interviewing an intern and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charline, you are a very unusual woman, but you have your uses.  Now I can’t offer you a job here, but Barber’s Corner Media has a job waiting for you.”

“Cool!  Thank you, Roger.”

“You’re welcome.  Once you’ve been hired, I will provide you with assignments.  You’ll be our unofficial spokesperson.  I hope you don’t mind dealing with the Babbler every week day.”

“Not at all.  Thank you.  How did you persuade Barber’s Corner Media to hire me?”

“Back in the 90s, the firm’s owner recorded a song about my favorite street.  You can stream it on your phone.”

“Let me listen.  Oh my God!  It’s obscene!”

“Yes, that was my initial reaction.  When I confronted him, he apologized and offered to help me any way he could.  That song turned into a birthday party with infinite gifts!”

Clow UFO Base hosts its first interstellar Game of Thrones convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Note:  This article contains Game of Thrones spoilers and a substance that might not be caffeine.

Over a thousand aliens gathered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for the first interstellar Game of Thrones convention, titled Blood Star 2017.

Kristian Nairn as Hodor.

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar sat on a replica of the ‘Iron Throne’ Thursday night as he addressed the audience during the opening ceremony:

“You can call me the Mayor of the Southwest.  On behalf of the House of Claar—Ouch!  That hurt.  I hate this chair!  A king’s chair should feel comfortable!”

The guest of honor was Kristian Nairn, who played Hodor.  He was never aware that he was inside an actual UFO base.

“I’ve never been to a Game of Thrones convention where most attendees dressed up as aliens pretending to be a character from the show.”

An alien with spikes walked up to Nairn.  After looking down at him for a few moments, it curled up into a ball and started crying.  “Hold the door!  Hold the door!  You held the door!”

“Great costume, and good acting, my friend.”

The first night of the convention featured a game show, Speed Titles.  Each contestant was given the name of a character and had to recite the character’s title.  The final round was between Olgo of the Corvox Empire, and Poenafa from the planet Venus.  Poenafa quoted Daenerys’ title in .5 seconds, shattering the old Galactic record of 10 seconds.  Olgo recited her title in .4 seconds.  Judges, after reviewing the video, determined that Olgo mispronounced a word.  Poenafa became the first champion.

“Thank you!”  Said Poenafa.  “Ever since I was a shell, I dreamed of leaving my peaceful world and venturing into the violent world of Westeros. Today, I know I would be killed within five minutes of appearing in Westeros, but I still love it.  Thank you for rewarding my love.”

On the second night, there was a Stannis Baratheon Grammar Bowl.  The winner was named ‘Lord of the Light, while the losers were burned in honor of the Lord of Light.  Game organizers insisted that the losers wore fire proof suits, but none of them could be reached for an interview.

The only other act of violence occurred after a viewing party for the season finale.  Many had placed illegal bets on the winner of the rumored Cleganbowl, but lost their money when the brothers didn’t fight during the episode.

An anonymous alien explained: “Not only did I lose my hard earned credits, but now I’m in jail for inciting a riot and gambling.  I think now is a good time to convert to humanity’s libertarian religion”.

The highlight of the convention was a speech by a masked man who claimed to have ghostwritten the controversial episode “Beyond the Wall.”  He explained its many puzzling features:

“I thought I had two weeks to write this, and that we were doing a ten episode season.  Later, I found out that we were doing only seven episodes, and that I had to turn my work in within three days.  At first, I had the worst case of writer’s block.  Then I got some garbage bags of, um, caffeine!  Yes, bags of caffeine!  Then it came to me.  I wrote ‘Beyond the Wall’ in about 15 minutes.  They did a minor cleanup afterward, but most of what you see is what I wrote!”

When asked about “supersonic ravens,” he replied: “Why can’t they go that fast?  Maybe the ravens had some caffeine before flying?  I’ve been known to run fast after a few big bags.”

At the closing ceremony, Claar confirmed that Clow would host next year’s convention.  Many screamed when he announced that the theme would be “The Red Convention.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help Houston:  Donate to Foundation Beyond Belief
Mayor Claar: I am not making skunks the official mascots of Bolingbrook
Thousands of UFOs diverted to Clow UFO Base.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/17

From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Mayor Claar defies Trustee Jaskiewicz by holding his breath (Fiction)

Sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is unharmed after repeatedly holding his breath in defiance of opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

According to sources, the conflict started while Claar and Jaskiewicz were arguing in Claar’s office.  The sources agree that Jaskiewicz challenged Claar:

“You always disagree with everything I say and propose.  I’ll bet if I told you to breathe for the rest of your life, you would hold your breath.”

One anonymous source said she saw Jaskiewicz running out of Claar’s office.

“He said, ‘Roger is turning blue!’  I ran inside, and I saw Roger taking two deep breaths.  Then he said, ‘(Expletive deleted) Jaskiewicz!’ Roger started holding his breath again.”

All the sources agree that Claar’s attempts not to breathe continued for about an hour.  Paramedics and a crisis counselor could not persuade him to breathe normally.

“If I do what he says, (Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere) will win.  I can’t let that happen!  (Expletive deleted)!  You’re tricking me into breathing!”

Finally, sources say Claar answered a phone call from an unidentified family member.  Claar listened for a few seconds, and then his face turned red before he replied:

“You don’t tell me what to do, young lady, I will vote for whomever I want, I will raise funds for whomever I want, and I will breathe whenever I want!  I’m breathing right now, and you can’t stop me!”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, slammed the headset back into the phone base, then ordered everyone out of his office.  After Village Hall closed, witnesses say Claar was breathing normally and said he was going home. Claar also made unprintable comments about the Bolingbrook United party.

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz released the following statement:

“This incident did not happen, but we are disappointed by Claar’s continued efforts to obstruct Bob. It is outrageous that Roger expects blind loyalty.  He started his political career as an opposition trustee against two mayors.  Bob won his seat not just because of karma, but because thousands of Bolingbrook residents don’t like the direction Bolingbrook is headed.  Roger needs to put Bolingbrook first, instead of his ego.”

Charlene, the village’s public relations intern, released the following statement:  “This incident didn’t happen, but it illustrates the divisiveness that certain elements want to bring to Bolingbrook.  Residents must reject these efforts.  All residents should unite behind Mayor Roger Claar because Bolingbrook became a great community under his rule. Now is not the time to experiment with bipartisan conflict.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens promise to cloak their ships during the eclipse
New World Order vows to retake Clow UFO Base ‘by any means necessary’
Bolingbrook IT Commission denies it has created an artificial intelligence
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/23/17 

From the webmaster:  Eclipse sparks Flat Earth debate (Mixed)

The folks over at the Philly Voice were kind enough to host dueling comments between Flat Earth believers and people who know better.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

From the Flat Earth side:

Rahu and Ketu in Vedic astrology are considered mythology by western astronomy. Rahu is the head of the serpent and Ketu is the body. In mythology, during an eclipse, they thought the head swallowed the sun.

We have to have something rise that causes eclipses in the flat-earth model. We think it’s not necessarily caused by the moon, though it could be.

From a skeptic:

Meanwhile, over a Flat Earth, you can have a small, local sun, overtaking a small, local moon (both moving to the West above the plane of the flat Earth) and the shadow will move West to East. That’s their argument, in a nutshell, and many FE folks are very, very excited about this eclipse because it will prove them right!

The truth is that the case of the eclipse shadow is dependent on linear speed (such as miles per hour) and not angular speed. How fast will the umbra travel? The units of miles per hour require us to do some math with those units.

So if you take the Earth’s rotational surface speed (roughly 1,000 mph at the Equator, more like 800 mph in Philly), and the Moon’s orbital speed (roughly 2,000 mph, eastward), this means the shadow will move faster than the Earth’s surface, to the East.

Personally, I think Phil Plait posted the best explanation back in 1998:

There is an unambiguous effect, though, of the curved Earth, which brings me back to my vacation. My parents live in Sarasota, which is about 1600 kilometers south of where I live near Washington DC. This is equal to about 1/30 of the way around the Earth, or 12 degrees. When I am at home and go out to look at Polaris, the North Star, it is about 40 degrees above the horizon. If I lived at the North Pole, it would be 90 degrees above the horizon, or straight up. However, when I visit my parents, I travel south, and so Polaris appears lower. Much lower, 12 degrees worth! That is very noticeable to the naked eye. On the other hand, stars towards the south appear to be much higher in the sky when I am in Florida. Last year I could clearly see Canopus (the second brightest nighttime star in the sky) to the South, but it never gets high enough to see from my house.

If the Earth were flat, we’d never see this effect. If the Earth were a disk we’d only see it if we traveled along the edge, and not the face. Therefore we must live on a curved Earth, a big ball in space (as a matter of fact, this effect can even be used to determine the circumference of the Earth!).

Web Exclusive: Were-skunk escorted from Village Board Meeting (Fiction)

Bolingbrook police officers peacefully escorted a were-skunk from the 8/15/17 Village Board meeting. Mayor Roger Claar ordered the male were-skunk removed because he feared that he would spray the room.

“Our procedures for cryptid mammal removal worked,” said Officer Jill.  “Roger first sent a text message to the BCT control booth to end the live broadcast.  Then he signaled us to move in.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz distracted the audience with a long speech while we asked the cryptid to follow us.  I’m sure Robert is going to be mad that BCT didn’t televise his entire speech, but he did help us, which we appreciate.”

The alleged were-skunk, who asked to be called Sid, denied that he had any hostile intentions.  He claims that he was there to support Claar:

Image from toter.com

“We heard a rumor that (Roger) was going to discuss a proposal to provide trash toters to all residents.  All because some residents don’t like my cousins eating their garbage.  I also heard that Roger was going to imply that requiring trash toters is a bad Democrat Party idea.  So I wanted to be there to support him.”

Sid added that Were-Skunks, like most omnivores, prefer a variety of foods, besides grubs:

“My cousins love Bolingbrook because sometimes residents will put their garbage on the curb the night before trash pickup.  My braver cousins like to stay up late and open up trash bags after the residents go to work.  Toters make it very hard to get at the tasty food.  It’s so hard for my Chicago cousins because they have to deal with the city’s toters.  Bolingbrook is like a skunk paradise.  We’re not going to let Bolingbrook United take away our free buffet!”

After being removed, Sid said he was disappointed in Roger.  “Roger said nothing when his assistant said he was hoping for a cold winter so my cousins would die.  That was so insensitive!  All we do is eat the food your voters throw out.  Sure we spray, but only in self-defense.  We can live together, and you can learn so much from us.  Just stop acting like Naperville residents!”

Charline Z. Spencer, the public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that a were-skunk was at the village board meeting.

“Where do you get these stories?  The truth is the viewers on BCT suffered through an extra long meeting.  Roger felt that if he kept broadcasting Robert’s speech, there was a risk of viewers dying of boredom.  That’s why we had to de-platform Robert and replace him with a video of an 80s cover band.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Why can’t we redefine residents as anyone who lives within Bolingbrook’s boundaries who supports me?”

A man replied, “Because the state—”

“(Expletive deleted) the state government!”

Update 8/17/17: Bolingbrook Community Television sent us the following statement:

We schedule a certain amount of airtime for the Board meetings. Normally it was for 2 hours. The meeting went over by quite a bit… We have to login remotely to change the time.  We did it twice. But we didn’t get in time for the third time.
For that, we apologize. But it was only trustee comments that got cut.