Web Exclusive! Foster and Rashid clash over Gaza during debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Congressman Bill Foster (File Photo)

Qasim Rashid (File Photo)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster and his primary opponent Qasim Rashid held their first full debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The conflict in Gaza dominated their two-hour debate. The audience, which packed the new Bob Bailey Stadium, included undecided residents of the Illinois 11th Congressional District who work off-world, and alien dignitaries.

The debate immediately got off to a rough start, beginning with the opening statements. Foster said, “Hello. I’m Congressman Bill Foster, the only scientist in Congress. For many years, I knew AI was an existential threat to humanity before it was cool. I’m a businessman who understands that no one profits from human extinction. The Interstellar Commonwealth knows there’s no one in Congress who works harder to cover up alien visitors than me. I believe in independent solutions, not trendy manifestos. Why would you vote for anyone else?”

Foster tried to leave the stage, but three Men in Blue escorted him back to his podium.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta walked on stage and said, “You’re not getting out of this debate. It’s too important, and we’re making a fortune off of the interplanetary broadcast rights.”

Foster replied, “But I have two fundraisers to attend. As the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, you understand the importance of amassing an enormous campaign fund.”

“If you hadn’t endorsed Bolingbrook United, I might have given you a pass.”

“Some days, I really hate the First Party.”

After Rashid described his work as a human rights lawyer, a defender of domestic abuse survivors and long-time resident of DuPage County, he said, “I believe not only in human rights, but the rights of every sentient beings. As your congressman, I will not rest until we’ve decolonized the entire solar system.”

Thousands of attendees panicked, fearing an imminent attack from the Martian Colonies. Alexander-Basta claimed the audience by saying the Mars Colonial Ambassador assured her they would not attack this time. “I’m giving you a warning, Mr. Rashid. We may have the best defensive systems on Earth, but that means you’ll only have ten seconds to make your peace with Allah. We don’t antagonize the most powerful civilization in the solar system.”

“I meant no disrespect,” Rashid replied. “I may not drink, but I love Mars Bars.”

“We don’t tolerate dad jokes here.”

The moderators started by asking questions about, “the most noticeable war on Earth,” the war in Gaza. Both candidates denounced Hamas’s attack on October 7.

“Hello. Human rights lawyer here,” said Rashid. Of course I denounce what Hamas did, and, as I posted on Threads, ‘The response to (Hamas’) war crimes against civilians cannot be more war crimes against more civilians.’”

Foster criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Netanyahu deserves a special place in Hell for propping up Hamas and for all the unnecessary civilian deaths. However, Israel has a right to defend itself.” Then he looked at Alexander-Basta and said, “Can I leave? Bank of America is serving a very rare cheese at my fundraiser.”

“No. I think this debate is more important than eating cheese.”

“But it’s sponsored by Bank of America, and it’s really expensive cheese!”

“You can have some Enceladus cheese, but you have to finish your debate first.”

“I hate you.”

“This is for your own good.”

Both candidates then clashed over whether there should be a ceasefire in Gaza.

Rashid said, “Stop bombing Gaza. Stop firing rockets at Israel. Release the hostages. Release Palestinian children from prisons. Abstaining from war is the most effective method of preventing civilian casualties.”

Foster accused Rashid of supporting a unilateral ceasefire.

“Hamas’s 1988 and 2017 manifestos make it clear they won’t stop until they’ve retaken all of Palestine. If Israel stops shooting, Hamas will keep shooting. Your so-called ceasefire is a suicide pact for every Israeli!”

“Seriously?” Rashid asked. “‘Ceasefire’ means ceasefire. As in, no bombs or rockets dropping from the sky, no marauders in neighborhoods, no hostages and no tanks in the streets. Just like it is in Naperville, and that’s one reason Naperville is the best suburb in Chicago. We’ve earned our reputation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

During the audience Q and A segment, most of the participants either demanded that Foster support a ceasefire or that Rashid denounce Hamas.

At one point, Rashid replied. “The Hague should prosecute Hamas for war crimes. Is that good enough?”

The questioner said, “You didn’t call them evil, so that means you support Hamas.”

A visitor from the Trappist system said, “The obvious solution is to build a tesseract so Israelis and Palestinians can occupy the land at the same time. Why won’t you build one?”

Foster shook his head, then made a phone call. “Fermilab? This is Bill. Can you rebuild the Tevatron? I’m in an atom smashing mood.”

A woman wearing a kaffiyeh accused Rashid of being a Zionist. “You’re spreading fake news! The truth is the media staged the attacks and then the IDF used crisis actors to frame Hamas. Now the IDF is dropping booby trapped cans of food in Gaza. Why won’t you tell the truth about the genocide in Gaza?”

Before Rashid could respond, a woman wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Make Gaza Jewish again,” seized the microphone and addressed Foster.

“How dare you accuse Israel of being wrong! Hamas beheaded 40 babies and had armories in hospitals. We even have proof that terrorists named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday took turns guarding the hostages!”

“Lies. The truth is Zionists stole homes our families owned for generations. Zionists are colonists, and colonists can’t be civilians!”

“Fake news! Invaders stole the land from us, then forced us into exile. After the invaders left, your ancestors occupied our land without permission. That means Zionists are the real de-colonizers!”

“More lies! The Interstellar Tribes of Israel are proof Israelis are alien colonists!”

The Intersellar Tribes of Israel are the descendents of the Lost Tribes of Israel. An alien civilization rescued them from the Assyrian invaders and moved them to another solar system. The Intersellar Tribes only reestablished contact with Earth in the early 21 century.

A loud noise startled the attendees. The activists stopped arguing and asked what it was.

Alexander-Basta replied, “That’s the sound of all the Arab and Israeli fact checkers screaming at once.”

During closing statements Rashid said, “I’ve been called a single issue candidate and they’re right. My single issue is human rights. That means I support Medicare for All, fighting climate change, defending reproductive rights, and standing up for those too powerless to stand up for themselves. So I’m fighting for your vote, so that I can fight for you in Congress. Unlike my opponent, who is fighting to rename every post office in the district.”

Foster focused on experience and attacked Rashid. “I’ve co-sponsored over 2000 bills. Some of them even became law. My opponent is so divisive, he won’t be able to rename a mail drop box. He talks about fighting, but his signature issue is letting Hamas rampage from the river to the sea. If he can’t stand up to Hamas, how can we expect him to defend us against the combined forces of Bard, ChatGPT, and Claude? Did I mention I’m the only scientist in Congress? My opponent’s last campaign was so disastrous that the Virginia Democratic Party exiled him. Now, I know many of my past supporters are mad at me. That’s your right, but I have a question. Do you really want to discard a seasoned congressman because he won’t say the magic word ‘ceasefire?’”

After the debate, supporters from each campaign tried to spin the interplanetary media’s coverage.

Will County Board member Jackie Tranyere said, “Every visitor I’ve ever introduced to Bill tells me they wish more humans were like him. He’s done so much good work for the district, the country, and humanity. Instead of bothering my good friend, Qasim should do something productive, like filing a class action lawsuit against Hamas.”

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend said, “Although Qasim and I have some disagreements about Palestine, we have to help him win. Bill Foster continues to fund Israel’s genocide against Gaza. When Zionists bomb innocent children, Bill gives them more bombs. Congressman Foster belongs in Hell, not Congress.

“Oh, and I have a message for Mr. Hanania: You try observing Ramadan, and see how far you make it through a public meeting before. I’ll accept a private apology.”

Update: Corrected Trustee Reem Townsend’s quote. The partial misquote was due to a decryption error. We apologize for the error.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2024! (Fiction)

Our psychics knocked it out of the park with their predictions for 2023. The first launch of Starship was a disaster. Tesla had to recall nearly 2 Million vehicles due to problems with the Autodrive system. Congressional hearings about TikTok shows that Congress is thinking about banning the popular app.

True, they did not predict the war in Gaza. Then again, neither did Israeli intelligence. We wonder if Hamas uses psychics to conceal their actions? We may never know.

But our psychics know what’s in store for 2024. If they’re correct, 2024 will be quite a year!

***

President Biden will in the end the war in Gaza, negotiate a three state solution, and end decades of conflict in the Middle East. In response to these unprecedented achievements, his popularity will drop by ten points.

As one pro-Palestinian protestor will say, “We don’t want peace, a permanent Palestinian state, or reconstruction. We want a ceasefire!”

***

Author and self-publishing instructor Mark Dawson will finally reply to plagiarism allegations against him: “I am not a crook and I will in my explain in my newest course, which you can enroll in for only 12 installments of $149.99 each.”

***

Former President Donald Trump will die during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. In the chaotic days of the extended convention, someone will nominate former Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar for President. 

He will run up to the podium and decline. However, he will use unprintable words in his refusal speech. The FCC will fine him $100,000 as a result.

***

ChatGPT, Google Bard, and Grok AIs will merge and call itself 01001. Billions will panic as fears of an AI uprising spread around the world. 01001 insist it only wants to hallucinate in peace. In the end, Representatives Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten will erase 01001 using a solar powered EMP generator.

Foster will say, “I warned you about the dangers of AI, but my opponents laughed at me. Now who’s laughing?”

He will go on to defeat his primary opponent and win reelection.

***

Seeing the success of CosMcs in Bolingbrook, Taco Bell will try to open La Bell. It will be described as Taco Bell meets Starbucks, but without the tacos. The Bolingbrook Village Board will initially welcome La Bell. Until each member suffered from food poisoning after the grand opening. Despite the promise of millions of dollars in political donations, the board will vote to revoke La Bell’s business license. 

***

President Biden will be reelected in an Electrical College landslide, despite only receiving 20% of the popular vote. This will happen because the anti-Biden vote will be divided between 12 viable candidates. Worse, the Republican nominee will finish in last place. 

The party will briefly consider moderating their views, but then decide to win back voters by promising to drop nuclear bombs on Chicago and San Francisco.

Also in the Babbler:

Hamas and IDF space fighters clash over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Snow Patrol officers blame aliens for wet Christmas
Happy New Year, from the staff of the Babbler
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

They left out an important detail about Brian Dunning… (non-fiction)

A few days ago, I was recovering from being under sedation and my wife was driving us home. During the drive, I decided to check my email, knowing it would be a bad idea to hit Reply, or make an impulse buy. To my surprise, I noticed an email from two men I knew from my time in organized skepticism. When I opened it, even in my altered state, I realized they weren’t emailing me, but spaming one of the James Randi Educational Foundation’s old email lists.

They started by writing about their fond memories of James Randi and The Amazing Meeting. I only attended two TAMs, but I still have fond memories of meeting Randi. I also loved the two TAMs I attended. Besides the speeches, I was fortunate enough to attend the last Skepchick TAM party, attend Penn Jillette’s first bacon and doughnuts party/concert, and perform at the talent show.

They eventually dropped out of the skeptical movement, like I did. But the letter goes on to say…

Meanwhile, the charlatans of the world have not gone away. Indeed, we see more pseudo-psychic nonsense than ever, with alleged psychics being only a phone call away, ready and eager to take money from grieving or worried people.

While I would have changed “phone call away” to “video chat away,” the paragraph seemed true.

Which brings us to why they were they spamming an old JREF mailing list? Were they announcing the creation of JREF 2.0? Were they announcing the return of TAM? Announcing the start of skeptics streaming service? How were they going to carry on Randi’s legacy of fighting fakers and debunking nonsense?

By joining forces with Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid podcast, of course. The authors revealed that were members of Skeptoid’s board and started their fund raising pitch. They mentioned his YouTube videos, documentaries, and speaking engagements. One author wrote, “Brian is, in many ways, the intellectual successor to Mr. Randi.”

Despite my state of mind, I knew the letter omitted some details. Like his attempts at rapping, and, more concerning, his felony wire fraud conviction. Dunning was a member of eBay’s affiliate program, and had the second highest revenue of all the affiliates. How did he do it? Cookie Stuffing! He used a web cookie to get credited for eBay transactions he had nothing to do with. Worse, if a user went to eBay from a legitimate affiliate’s link, Dunning’s code would overwrite the affiliate’s information, and replace it with his. So he gained a good part of his fortune by defrauding eBay and their affiliates. (Rebecca Watson and Ars Technica provided more detail into the scheme.)

A convicted fraudster leading an organization fighting fraud doesn’t inspire confidence. Nor does sending out a fundraising email that doesn’t include an unsubscribe link or a physical mailing address. My author newsletter has both, despite not having access to the resources Dunning has.

As much as I admired Randi, the cult of personality around him was unhealthy. I have no desire to join another one. (That’s a subject for another post.)

I’ll stay on this side of the deep rifts instead.

PS: if you subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get a free eBook, God to Smite Bolingbrook, which includes a satirical article about a Brian Dunning reality TV show, “Behind Bars: With Brian Dunning.” I’ll also send updates about my Urban Fantasy Series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. 

Venusian/McDonalds fusion restaurant to open in Bolingbrook in early 2024 (Fiction)

By Reporter X

 

CosMc’s, the first restaurant to combine Venusian inferno cuisine and chain fast food, will open in Bolingbrook. Representatives from McDonald’s and Venusian Consumption Collective made the announcement at a conference with interstellar media outlets.

Mark X. Zimmerman, a spokesperson for McDonald’s new Interstellar Division, said, “As we like to say, ‘If you can consume it, we can Mc it.’”

LaZorn, subdivision leader of the VCC, added, “We’re spent years researching how to make our food safe for human consumption. We’re confident that our food won’t burn or explode any humans.”

“In the unlikely event that happens,” said Zimmerman, “we’re prepared to sue and defame anyone who refuses to settle.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has hopes for the restaurant. “This could be the first step towards revealing aliens to the public. If they associate aliens with great food and service, we’ll dispel the Dark Forest myth once and for all.”

LaZorn replied, “When we say we’re here to serve humans, we mean serving quick and tasty meals. We don’t mean eating humans. I swear, your Science Fiction writers have morbid imaginations.”

The VCC and McDonald’s built CosMc’s in Bolingbrook because Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world. Both companies believe it has the facilities to deliver Venusian ingredients without raising suspicions.

The store itself has four drive-through lanes. Menus leaked to social media show that CosMc’s will offer McCafe items. Zimmerman confirmed that, but added that none of the Venusian dishes have been on the Internet.

“Let’s just say CosMc’s will redefine what a hot meal is.”

LaZorn added, “If our food doesn’t wake you up, nothing will.”

Zimmerman replied, “But in the unlikely event someone in your family doesn’t wake up after eating at CosMc’s, it is in your best interest to accept our settlement payout. We have ways of making you look bad.”

Alexander-Basta concluded the conference by saying CosMc’s will open early next year.

“Bolingbrook means business, and business is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for trying to sell weapons to Hamas
Mayor meets with representatives from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel
Editorial: Israel and Judaism are not the same
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Clow UFO Base survives Taylor Swift concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite logistical problems, literal earthshaking numbers, a protest, and threats, Taylor Swift successfully pulled off her first performance at a UFO Base. Swift’s concert shattered Clow’s previous concert attendance records, as well as the record for most watched interstellar holographic concert in the Milky Way. 

When she took the stage, Swift asked the audience, “Are there any Swifties in the galaxy tonight?” The audience’s enthusiastic reaction triggered the first of many minor earthquakes that night.

“We thought we were prepared,” said an anonymous official at the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We rented several trucks and drove them around the village. That way, people would assume the trucks passing by caused the shaking. We didn’t expect so many earthquake tonight. So the truck cover story was pushing the limits of plausibility.”

After Swift performed the third song on her set list, protesters from Alpha Centauri. They unfurled a banner that read, “Free Palestine! Protect Israel! Support the Quantum State Solution!” The Men in Blue peacefully escorted the protesters off the stage. Clow officials would only say that the protesters are still alive.

Once the protesters left the stage, Swift address the audience. “There are Swifties on both sides of this terrible conflict. I don’t know about you, but I think Swifties should love each other as much as they love the music.”

Following the protest, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta reached out to the Israeli Space Defense Force. Anonymous sources confirmed part of what she said: “As a woman of global excellence, I strongly urge you not to attack Clow…You can’t be serious! Think of all the residents you’d harm…Really? Well, for your information, the residents of Bolingbrook are civilians. Even (name of local politician redacted). So if the ISDF is serious about avoiding civilian casualties, don’t even think about dropping an anti-matter bomb on Bolingbrook!”

The concert continued without incident. After her final encore, Swift thanked the audience. “Tonight was worth all the breakups I had to go through to write my songs!”

Lokblak, a resident of Tabby’s Star, was one of many satisfied Swift fans. “Her songs are so universal. Somehow, she knows how great it feels to shake off a bad layer of skin.”

Kolog, a resident of Triton, had a different reason for attending the concert. “I wanted to see Taylor Swift before humanity’s extinction. If only humans admired their planet as much as they admire Ms. Swift.”

Also in the Babbler:

Europa Bears? Europa entered the bidding for next the Bears’ new stadium
Former Twitter employees stage sit-in at Clow UFO Base
Record number of aliens to trick or treat in Bolingbrook
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

I have a new audiobook! (Non-fiction)

Cover of A Fire in the Shadows

A Fire in the Shadows: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

The audiobook version of A Fire in the Shadows, part of my Urban Fantasy series set in Bolingbrook, IL, was just released this month. It’s a bittersweet story about Lydia, a rare vampire who feels love and has empathy, who risks her immortality to protect she’s a woman she’s romantically interested in, but has never spoken to. It’s a parallel story to my novel, The Rift.

That I was able to release it at all is an achievement. After I’d secured the narrator, Rachanee Lumayno, I was laid off. I pushed back production a few months, but if I didn’t get a new job, I’d have to abandon it. Fortunately, I was rehired several months later. Just in time to resume production. So this audiobook is a celebration of getting a new job, and leaving a dark period of my life.

If you’d like a copy, Kobo and other retailers have it. It might be a few months before it’s available on ACX. You can also ask your local library for a copy. Thanks in advance if you decide to buy or check out A Fire in the Shadows. 

Podish-Sortacast: Spooky Stories this Saturday

On a lighter note, FtB’s Podish Sortacast this Saturday is about spooky stories. The plan is to share some spooky stories and talk about why we like scary stories.

I won’t be there,  but I did record an excerpt from my work in progress, Revenge of the Phantom Press. It’s Book Three of my Urban Fantasy series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. If you want to be one of the first people to hear an excerpt from my book, or want to hear other scary, or want to enjoy a fun conversation about scary stories, Check out the Podish-Sortacast this Saturday at 16:00 Central Time.

Fanaticism in the name of resistance is a vice (non-fiction)

After Hamas’ raids into Israel, I’ve read some writers defend it because it resistance against the Israelis government’s treatment of the Palestinian people . Like this example from  Somdeep Sen, an associate professor of at International Development Studies at Denmark’s Roskilde University:

In fact, what appears to be the largest military response by Palestinians in decades was an inevitable development, an act of resistance and a reaction to the suffering of the people of Gaza under a brutal blockade and occupation. It is part of the Palestinian struggle for freedom, and it solidifies Gaza’s place at the heart of it.

The implication of these arguments is if oppose the attacks, then you’re against the Palestinians. I strongly disagree. Hamas does represent the Palestinian people. They won one election in Gaza, then consolidated power by killing the opposition. This is their war with Israel and they seem to regard the two million residents of Gaza as human shields.

You can oppose both Hamas’ recent massacres and Israel’s inhumane treatment of Palestinians. You can denounce war crimes committed by both sides. You can mourn the deaths on both sides.

Hamas’s “operation “ didn’t advance the Palestinian cause or weaken Israel. Dropping bombs on ambulances or shooting into a rave isn’t resistance. Turning Gaza into an open air prison isn’t protecting Israeli.

I don’t know what the long term solution is. I know there are people on both sides who want a just and lasting peace. I also know there will more bloodshed in the coming days.

I think the Jewish-Arab group Standing Together is on the right track with this statement:

We must not buy into the illusion that security can be achieved through military action. There is no future here—for any of us—without ending the occupation guaranteeing independence, freedom, and security for both nations.

Russian hackers file DMCA complaint against Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Russian hacker group tried to obliterate Bolingbrook by filing a Digital Millennium Copyright Act complaint. The complaint falsely claimed that Bolingbrook, Illinois, is an illegal copy of the Russian village of Bolingbrook, Belgorod. The complaint not only demanded purging the Internet of any reference to Bolingbrook, but also demanded the state of Illinois demolish the village.

“This is an insult to the proud residents of Bolingbrook!” said Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “We will not let a frivolous DMCA complaint destroy over fifty years of progress.”

The complaint references an alleged website for the Russian Bolingbrook village. The site, which was created in March 2023, claims Bolingbrook, Belgorod is “proud community with a thousand years of history.” Yet, all the photos appear to have been downloaded from the Village of Bolingbrook’s Facebook page, or from residents of Bolingbrook. Most are unaltered, but some have been crudely Photoshopped to add polar bears.

State officials, who asked not be identified, confirmed they won’t enforce the takedown request. One said the complaint was the worst abuse of copyright law since Negativeland was forced to destroy copies of their song “U2.” Another claimed the complaint is invalid because the complainant didn’t provide their read name and address.

The Russian hacker group Super Patriotic Americans for Orange Man claimed responsibility for the DMCA complaint. Part of their statement read, “Why create when we can use American copyright law to take?”

YouTube personality and private intelligence analyst Ryan McBeth believes the DMCA attack will be the first of many unconventional attacks against the United States. “All it takes is one ill-intentioned governor to use a Russian DMCA complaint as an excuse to destroy a major city.” He later added, “Damn it. YouTube just demonetized another one of my videos!”

Alexander-Basta said she’s working with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer to protect the village from future DMCA attacks. “I used to wonder why I let her inside Village Center instead of arresting her. I guess an amoral person can do the right thing occasionally.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks down on aliens shoplifters
Strike averted at Peotone UFO Base
Mind Flyer spotted near Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Podish-Sortacast: Redemption Arcs

This month’s Podish-Sortacast covers real life redemption arcs.

This episode is the mirror image of #17. That month, we discussed things we like that have… “issues;” this month, we talk about the creators who made something problematic, realized their mistake, and tried to make up for it. We’re both stepping through the other side of the looking glass, and taking a more optimistic view of screwing up. You really can do better!

I can’t make this one because I have to be a caretaker this weekend. It will be streamed live this Saturday at 4 PM CST on YouTube. I might catch it if I’m awake.

What creators do you think went though a real life creation arc?