Rebecca Watson: Masks don’t increase Your CO2 (Non-fiction)

From: Rebecca Watson:

Web Exclusive: Ives campaign cancels ‘Casten You to Hell’ hell house (Fiction)

 

The Ives campaign cancels their Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house due to COVID restrictions.

Jeanne Ives, the Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District, will not be hosting her “Casten You to Hell” hell house this year due to statewide COVID-19 restrictions.

A press release from the Ives campaign stated: “Our governor, who doesn’t know Jesus Christ, is oppressing good Christians by banning our hell house!  Since we are forgiving Christians, we leave judgment of the governor to Christ the King. Our fearless volunteers will knock on every door in the Sixth District to show voters the horrors that will follow the reelection of (Representative Sean Casten.)”

According to sources, “Casten You to Hell” would have featured such “horrors” as gay marriage, Christians forced to smoke cannabis,  a vegetarian meal, children with tablets glued to their eyes, transgender employees, and an actor portraying Casten bludgeoning creationists with science books.

“Governor Pritzker thinks we should hold a hayride instead.  Just as he doesn’t understand the joy of bacon, he doesn’t understand that Hell Houses must be held indoors, and illicit as much screaming as possible!  We did our part and stayed at home for a little bit, and sometimes wore masks.  Now we demand that you let us show the Sixth District voters that they should fear gay adoption instead of the deadly fake China virus!”  

Cindy, an Ives staffer who asked that we not use her real name, claims that the hell house was really closed due to virus concerns:

“We think Sean’s secret crew is releasing real viruses at our events to make the fake virus seem real, and to frame Jeanne as irresponsible for holding mask-less events during a pandemic.  Who knows what the Casten Crew would do to our hell house?”

Peter, another staffer, claims Ives’s volunteers are needed elsewhere:

“As much as I love playing a demonic rioter, basic training for Trump’s election day army starts this week.  I think Jeanne is going to lead the Sixth District Battalion’s march on the DuPage County Clerk’s office.  Let’s just say it will make the Brooks Brothers Riot look like a sandbox fight.  General Roger Stone will be proud of us!”

When reached for comment, Ives said:  “What a fake story.  You should report on real stories, like how Sean is hiding from me.”

“Um,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “I’m right here, and we’re about to debate each other on the radio.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook employees scramble to prep the emergency pontoon boat for launch (Fiction)

Village officials are racing against time to get Bolingbrook’s floating command center ready for launch.

“We need a third command center,” said a village employee who asked to remain anonymous.  “2020 isn’t finished with us.  The White House and the Senate are COVID hotspots!  If the Vice-president goes down, there will be a legal fight over whether Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, or Mike Pompeo will take over.  Then we’ll have to worry about what’s left of the Trump campaign contesting the election results.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in a nuclear war—”

Another village employee shouted: “Don’t give 2020 any ideas!”

According to various sources, Bolingbrook currently has two emergency command centers:  One is a bunker under Village Hall.  The other is a hidden bunker under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Golf Club bunker houses an alternate village board, while the current board members work at Village Hall.

In 1997, the village secretly purchased a pontoon boat to use as a floating command center.  At the time, Bolingbrook’s flood plain was expanding and some officials feared a village-wide flood.  It was hoped that the command center would allow the government to keep functioning during the theorized super flood.

After 2002, with the construction of the Golf Club, and ten pillars secretly built under Bolingbrook, the village was no longer in danger of facing a super flood.  Instead of selling the boat, the village hid the boat in then Mayor Roger Claar’s backyard— in case Bolingbrook faced a 100,000-year flood, and the mayor needed to quickly get to the boat.

“Roger liked to do ‘command drills,’” said Pete, a former Bolingbrook employee who asked not to be identified.  “Honestly, we’d do a short drill, then drink beer and go fishing.  The pontoon was state of the art at the time, and is still a good boat.”

The Public Works Department was planning on selling the pontoon until Village co-administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman ordered the boat to be “converted back into a command center.”

Stephanie, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims the boat is under-equipped:

“Someone stripped the electronics to make room for a bar and freezer.  I won’t say who.  Anyway, now we’ve got to get it ready in a week and find ways to keep it out of the budget.  We don’t want ‘them’ to know about it.  So far we’re pretending that we bought a new police car, and are using the money to equip the boat.  We’re hoping all the watchdog groups are too obsessed with DuPage Township to notice what we did.”

According to Stephanie, once the boat is equipped, it will be moved to Whalon Lake.  In an emergency, designated village officials will board the boat and cast off.  In theory, all emergency services could be coordinated through the boat’s Internet connection.  Stephanie says village officials believe it is important to have a floating command center:

“Rioters won’t be inclined to swim towards it.  Fires can’t harm it on the lake, and if 2020 throws a flood at us, we’ll be ready!  Plus, the commanders will always have access to fish and water!”

Stephanie also believes that there is a debate over which village officials should be stationed on the boat:

“(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) thinks she should be on the boat because she’s the mayor.  The co-administrators think they should be because the Mayor is now a symbolic position.  I’m sure they’ll work it out.  Everyone agrees that (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) will not be allowed on the boat.  If he wants to be on the water he can rent a rowboat!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano denied the existence of the pontoon boat:

“You are such a negative reporter!  There are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, and you would know that if your calendar section worked with my Facebook Page instead of with the Bolingbrook Events page!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “I just approved Trick or Treating in Bolingbrook this year.  So now I’m the #1 fun mom of Bolingbrook, and I don’t want to mess it up with any distractions.  So we’re going to let you go if you promise not to act like a masked vigilante.”

“I still need to know how you figured out my secret identity.”

“Simple.  Your costume is made of the same material only one company in Bolingbrook uses, and you’re the only person in Bolingbrook who could afford to buy and customize an AGMV.”

“Curses!  But you need me.  Don’t you watch Fox News?  Chicago is burning, and the flames will soon reach Bolingbrook.”

“Chicago isn’t always burning, and when it is, we don’t need real-life superheroes.  We just block the entrances to the Promenade with snow plows and that keeps the looters away.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Antifa conducts ‘Proud Boy’ exercise
Vampires to hold an emergency blood drive in Naperville
Representative Bill Foster escapes President Trump’s biological attack
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Rabbi Adam Chalom’s humanistic messages for the 2020 High Holidays (Non-fiction)

Kol Hadash Humanistic congregation, based in the Chicago area, held its High Holidays services last weekend.  The full services, lead by Rabbi Adam Chalom, can be viewed here.  Below are the messages from each service:

Before I met my wife, I never imagined myself being involved in a religious humanistic community, let alone one centered around Jewish traditions.  Honestly, I’m still learning about the community, even after seven years, but I enjoy learning and experiencing this community.  I’m also proud of how we’ve handled the challenge of the COVID-19 pandemic and pulled off virtual services.  Though it will be nice to enjoy an oneg once we can stop social distancing.

Video: Babbler columnist survives academic panel (Fiction)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

My brother, who writes a column for the Babbler, managed to get himself invited to a very special panel discussion last weekend.  Considering that he only has a degree in journalism, I think he did pretty well.  I think he came across as the second most reasonable person on that panel.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

THE FREETHOUGHTBLOGS CARNIVAL OF CURIOSITY presents ‘The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story’ live reading in about an hour.

Just a reminder that I will be doing a live reading of my upcoming novel in about an hour.  The book is called “The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story,” and is based on the Bolingbrook Babbler setting.

I’ll also talk a bit about the history of the Babbler blog, and answer appropriate questions.  See you soon!
Do not forget that the purpose of this glorious weekend of fun and frolic is to entice you to make donations to either our PayPal or to our GoFundMe!

Carnival time! (Non-fiction)

Tomorrow is the start of the THE FREETHOUGHTBLOGS CARNIVAL OF CURIOSITY.   I’ll be on the panel of bloggers tomorrow. Saturday I’ll do a live reading from my upcoming novel, and participate in an evening quiz show. Then Sunday, I’ll be playing Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey as he presents his inexpert opinion on the panel of inexperts!

Check the link for the schedule and auctions. Including my auction item.

Do not forget that the purpose of this glorious weekend of fun and frolic is to entice you to make donations to either our PayPal or to our GoFundMe!

Sarah Kendzior tells Bolingbrook’s weredogs to vote and occasionally bite fascists (Fiction)

Author and authoritarian expert Sarah Kendzior addressed Bolingbrook’s weredeer population.

In a secret video presentation, Sarah Kendzior, author of The View from Flyover Country and Hiding in Plain Sight, told Bolingbrook’s weredogs it was okay to bite fascists, but it is more important to vote in the upcoming election.

“You can’t be complacent when fascism confronts you,” said Kendzior.  “You’ve got to punch Nazis, bite fascists, and tear apart Trumpism!”  

Many of the weredogs howled in approval.

“Let’s devour the MAGA hats!” yelled a weredog.

“Wow,” replied Kendzior.  “You guys are the most enthusiastic furries I’ve ever met.”  She added, “I’m not that concerned about Nazis getting black eyes, but at the same time, too much violence can lead to chaos.  That’s what authoritarians like Trump and Putin crave!  They’ll use the chaos and redefine groups like Antifa to be vague caricatures of evil.  They’ll be so vaguely defined, that anyone who opposes Trump, from anarchists to bloggers will be rounded up and labeled as Antifa.”

“Wait!” Cried out one weredog.  “Since when is being anti-fascist a bad thing?”

“Since our institutions failed to stop Trump,” replied Kendzior.  “Good God, I can’t tell you all the times I’ve tried to warn everyone about Trump’s international crime syndicate masquerading as a government.  They didn’t listen to me!  Okay, a lot of people listened to the Gaslit Nation podcast with Andrea Chalupa and me, and I was a regular on MSNBC.  It wasn’t enough.  Just look at all the free publicity Morning Joe gave Donald.  How could I compete with the Infotainment Media Complex?”

“We believe you,” said Brett, a weredog alpha.  “But is there anything we can do besides devouring the MAGA hats?”

“Um, let’s take this in a different direction.”

Kendzior then posted a link to the Gaslit Nation 2020 Survival Guide.  She said it was no accident that most of its suggestions involved electoral politics:

“Authoritarians want you to think you’re powerless.  That’s not true.  Voting is powerful.  Don’t give up the power of the ballot box.  Don’t let Trump’s plans to contest the election deter you.  Vote in such large numbers that he’ll have to choose between stepping down or openly abolishing our democracy.  Hell, don’t just vote.  Run for office.  Run for your school board.  Run for city council.  Run for dog catcher.  You can do lots of good things on the local level, and keep the fascists out of power in your community.  Sure it might feel good to punch a Nazi, but it will feel even better to teach children how to recognize and resist authoritarianism!”

“Even township government?” asked another weredog.

“Um, I don’t know what that is, but if it’s local, it’s worth running for.”

“Even if we think those Edgar County Watchdogs will save us from the township trustees?”

“I don’t know the whole story, but you can’t rely on others to save you.  You are the savior you have been looking for.  As Living Colour sang, “Only you can set you free!”

The weredogs cheered, but one asked, “But what if Trump steals the election?”

“Take to the streets, and try not to eat the National Guard soldiers.  Was that in character?”

Kendzior thanked the weredogs at the end of her speech.

“Best online furry convention I’ve ever spoken at!”

When she logged off, many of the weredogs talked about running in the 2021 DuPage Township election.

A receptionist for DuPage Township said none of the Trustees were available for comment.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Alyssia Benford, said: “I trusted you when you said you have everything under control.”

“We do,” said a man.  

“I don’t think so.”

“We did get rid of Bill—”

“But you unleashed something almost unspeakable!”

“What?”

“Escalation.  I turned on my party.  They turned on me.  I sent you guys to finish them off, now they’ve revived this group to finish me off.  Look!”

“Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook?  What is it?”

“An evil coven that will rain Internet hellfire upon us.  They answer to no one.  (Trustee Maripat Oliver) can’t control them.  (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) cannot stop them.  (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) was only able to exile them after years of conflict, but they’re back, and he can’t save us this time!  We can’t make them resign.  We can’t disrupt their meetings.  We can’t even sue them!  But they can inflict so much—”

“Don’t worry.  We have a web site and the backing of the Illinois Policy Institute.”

“They have Bonnie.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sentient COVID-19 virus endorses President Donald Trump for election
The ticket out of our long emergency:  Babbler endorses Biden/Harris for election
The scientific evidence speaks for itself: Babbler endorses Rep. Bill Foster for re-election
Beware the Ives of November: Babbler endorses Rep. Sean Casten for re-election
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

My Freethought Blogs CARNIVAL OF CURIOSITY schedule for the weekend of 9/25/20 to 9/27/20 (Non-fiction)

In addition to holding an auction, I’m also doing four events for this weekend’s Carnival of Curiosity, a fundraiser for the network, and to pay off the consolidated legal bills from the recently concluded S.L.A.P.P. case.  Donations can be sent to either our PayPal or to our GoFundMe! So if you want to see the guy who survived poking fun at Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar for years, here’s my schedule of events:

Parade of Bloggers, part I (Friday, 5pm PT-8pm ET, 1am BST):  I’ll be joining some of my fellow bloggers as we preview our events, talk about our blogs, and who knows what else.

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story (Saturday, 3pm PT-6pm ET, 11pm BST):  I’ll be doing the very first live public reading of The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.  I will take reasonable questions if I can figure out how the chat feature works on YouTube.  🙂 Starts at 5pm Bolingbrook time.  🙂

The Quiz (Saturday, 6pm PT-9pm ET, 2 am BST):  Will I figure out the QI format before I participate?  Will I avenge my game show loss at TAM 9 to PZ Myers?  Find out!

The Panel of Inexpert Discussion (1-pm PT-4pm ET, 9pm BST):  Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey has taken on skeptics, taken on politics, and now he’s ready to take on expertise itself!  Dale will join a panel of inexperts to shatter the boundaries of thinkable thought.  Can thinking be too free?  Find out!

You can also check out the other carnival events here.  Crip Dyke is also hosting an auction for a custom story.  I’ve put in a bid, but I’m sure you guys have better ideas for her to bring to life.  So outbid me!  🙂

Do not forget that the purpose of this glorious weekend of fun and frolic is to entice you to make donations to either our PayPal or to our GoFundMe!

Biden addresses hostile Space Force troops in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Vice President Joe Biden received a hostile reception during a surprise visit to Space Force Troops stationed in Bolingbrook.

“Lock her up!” yelled many of the soldiers in unison.

“Is that supposed to be an insult?” asked Biden during his address.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Baker, the commander of the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion, replied: “It’s what the soldiers are trained to say to anyone (President Donald Trump) doesn’t approve of.”

According to anonymous sources, Biden contacted Baker and demanded to address the troops.  When Baker refused, Biden presented documents proving he was a member of the Illuminati.  Baker then pointed out that Biden is an active member of the New World Order, and therefore couldn’t be a member of the Illuminati.

“Give me a break,” replied Biden.  “I believe in bipartisanship and in dual secret society memberships.  I fought the Trump Mayor to a draw over this, but it was really no contest.  Here’s the deal:  You let me address the troops, and my illuminated friend Pop-Tart won’t tell Donald about your Ukrainian friend.”

Baker hastily gathered the troops, upsetting many.

“I was practicing tear gas skills when we got the call,” said Private Carl V. Drake.  “I was about to set the record for gassing an apartment—I mean an enemy hive.  Now I can’t wait to vote for Trump.”

In his speech, Biden reminded the soldiers that all branches of the military serve the country, not the President:

“Our country is great because of our professional military.  They know their job is to protect our country from enemies outside the US.  When a country’s military gets involved in politics, it gets ugly.  I mean really ugly!  We’re talking coups, assassinations, and dropping dissidents from helicopters.”

“What’s wrong with that?”  yelled a heckler.

“Come on, man!  Do I really need to tell you?”

Biden later said that he expected all branches to respect the results of the November election.  He added that if Trump loses and refuses to leave office, he would order all military branches to respect his command and send soldiers to drag Trump out of the oval office.

The soldiers booed then chanted: “Submit!  Don’t resist!”

 “Look,” replied Biden.  “I understand you’ve been brainwashed by Trump.  You think you’re nothing without your Space Force uniform.  But here’s the deal:  I consider all of you part of the military.  Once Trump is out of office, you’ll come to your senses and embrace bipartisanship.  It’ll be just like the old days, only better.  Am I right?”

“Eight more years!”  chanted the soldiers.

Biden turned to Baker.  “You’re coaching them aren’t you?”

“I’d get out of here if I was you.”

“I was going to leave anyway.  Just remember not to interfere when the interplanetary absentee ballots are delivered to Earth.”

“It is our responsibility to destroy any fake ballots and kill those who threaten us.  MAGA!”

After Biden left the base, a campaign staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, defended the speech:

“Trump is lying about Biden being weak and alone.  Today he addressed a hostile group of elite killers.  I mean soldiers.  That proves that Joe is tough enough to rebuild our country and stand up to the “squad” and appease Republicans.  I’m sure this will win us the moderate UFO believer vote!”

Also in the Babbler

ASPCA investigates Carnival of Curiosity
Bolingbrook Temple of Set endorses Trump
Wereskunks rename sacred trash pile to honor former Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.