(Link) Trump will leave but…(Non-fiction)

With Trump’s refusal to concede, his moves at the Pentagon, and ridiculous allegations of voter fraud, there’s a lot of speculation that Trump is plotting a coup.

Personally, I tend to side more with Amanda Marcotte’s view that Trump will fail to stay in office, but his talk and actions are still dangerous:

Coups are hard, and they tend to fail. Donald Trump and a bunch of Nunes toadies sure aren’t organized and focused enough to pull it off in the face of nearly insurmountable obstacles.

Trump will be slinking out of the White House in about nine weeks. But that doesn’t mean his reality TV-style failed coup isn’t dangerous. It’s very much is — because Trump is pushing his already vitriolic and authoritarian followers further down the path towards rejecting democracy entirely.
In 2016, I initially didn’t think Trump would win, but I was worried about a Trump 2.0 running in 2020.  Someone who would lay off Twitter.  Someone who would say the right things to military leaders instead of remaining silent while Russia places a bounty on US Troops.  Someone who could say the hateful things Trump says but have better management skills and a team to better implement his bigotry.
Instead of a near miss, we got Trump, and Trump did considerable damage.  Even I couldn’t imagine how he’d bungle a pandemic.  And he’s not done.
As Marcotte writes, Trump promotes the idea that votes for anyone who is not part of his Republican party are illegal.  That because most Democratic voters live in urban areas, and many are non-white. Therefore Democrats aren’t “real” Americans.  His supporters may talk about freedom and democracy, but what they’re really promoting is authoritarianism.
The voters defeated Trump, and, due to a lack of planning, Trump won’t be able to stay in office past January 20.  But he can create a huge mess for Biden in the government and create more misery by ignoring the COVID-19 pandemic as it flares up again.  Combine this with the Republicans holding the Senate, and probably of a Trump 2.0 being elected in 2024 increases.  And this person might be much harder to organize against than Trump.
Trump might be out of office next year, but I’m concerned that his actions during the lame-duck session will have dangerous consequences for the US and the rest of the world.

Village of Bolingbrook defies Trump’s order to demolish Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

Despite an executive order from Donald Trump, the Village of Bolingbrook has chosen to spare Clow UFO base from destruction.

“We’re sorry the President lost,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “But our pity does not give Trump the authority to order the destruction of Clow UFO Base.”

According to Smith, normally a scuttle order can only be jointly issued by the Mayor, the Mayor Emeritus, and a representative of the Illuminati.  Since Clow is currently operating under the “Doomsday Operation Procedures”(DOP),  only the acting commander and a representative of the Interstellar Commonwealth can order the destruction of Clow.

Smith continued: “(Former Mayor Roger Claar) placing Clow under DOP is yet another example of his genius, and why residents should continue to listen to him.”

As reported by video recordings transmitted from Clow, Trump summoned the crew of Clow and the Village Board for a video meeting.  Trump announced that he had fired First Lady Melania Trump as the head of US UFO Base Operations.  Trump said he was very disappointed in Bolingbrook:

“I asked nicely, ‘Please move your Golf Club.’  Roger said no.  I asked again.  Whatshername said she would get back to me.  She never did.  Then your residents voted against me.  Yes, I’m mad, but I’m a reasonable person.  So your Golf Club can stay put, but your base has to go!”

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta left the room.  Trustee Sheldon Watts stood and denounced Trump:

“You tainted Roger’s legacy. COVID-19 is running rampant in Bolingbrook because of your incompetence!  Residents are unemployed because you won’t deal with the virus.  You’re trampling on democracy by refusing to concede.  Now you want to destroy Bolingbrook’s interstellar economy because you’re mad!  Well, I’m mad at you.  Mad at the Cook County Democrats, and mad at Roger!  On behalf of the independent voices of Bolingbrook, I’m saying no.  No to you, no to (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan), and no to (Will County Board member Jackie Traynere)!”

Alexander-Basta walked back in and said: “Nice speech Sheldon, but let’s hear from someone who matters.”

Co-Administrator Ken Teppel walked into the room and announced: “We’re not destroying Clow UFO Base because President-Elect Biden just overruled you.”

“Fake news! I won many states!  I declared myself the winner.”

“Maybe, but Joe outranks you in the Illuminati, so I’m listening to him.”

“Sleepy Joe is a member of the New World Order.”

“Yeah, but due to a big oversight, he’s also a member of the Illuminati, and it’s too late to remove him.  Plus, the Global Master Councilor likes the chaos opportunities a Biden Presidency can create.  So he’s staying put and we’re not destroying Clow.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Watts, said: “I just declared my candidacy for Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“I’m sorry,” said a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Sorry?”

“Once you’ve been ripped apart by Roger’s campaign fund, Roger’s political action committee, the Something First Something Bolingbrook Something Party, and Bolingbrook United, your reputation will be ruined.”

“Nonsense!  I will win by representing the independent voices of Bolingbrook!”

“Just because your new party has the word “Independent” in its name, doesn’t mean it’s independent.  In fact, I’m going to have so much fun pointing out that your biggest donor so far is a Cook County Democrat and a political ally of (Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.)”

“Willie Wilson doesn’t count as a Cook County Democrat!”

Also in the Babbler:

Trustee Watts survives Illuminati’s ‘Rite of the Phoenix’
Alien freezer accidentally dropped on Bolingbrook home
WeatherTech denies its working on a secret patriotic-themed PPE contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Overtime! A Bolingbrook Babbler Special 2020 Election Report (Fiction)

Representative Bill Foster

Rep. Bill Foster, a member of the New World Order, easily defeated his Illuminati opponent in the 2020 election.

From Reporter X:  While the local mainstream is focused on the results of the 2020 Election, here are the stories they missed:

1. Space Force leaves Bolingbrook to ‘stand up and fight back’ for Trump

Overnight, Space Force troops destroyed their base in Bolingbrook and texted the village managers that they were permanently leaving Bolingbrook.

“Space Force’s 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion is redeploying, as per President Trump’s new orders.  We will stand up and fight back against the enemies of our President.”

Donna K Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said the village did not receive advance notice of the Space Force’s departure:

“After we received the text message from Space Force, our team of investigators found a hole in the ground and residents who were asking too many questions.  I’m happy to report that we filled the hole and fixed the memories of some residents.  Space Force can expect to receive our bill in the next week.  We hope they don’t force us to hire a collection agency.”

2. Fifteen arrested after ‘Oberweising’ McHenry County Clerk’s office

What was supposed to be a peaceful protest in support of Congressional Candidate Jim Oberweis, ended in a brawl and 15 arrests:

“We wanted to support them,” said a deputy who asked to remain anonymous.  “We all want Jim Oberweis to win against (Representative Lauren Underwood).  But they were so disruptive in the end, we had no choice.  But don’t worry.  We’re not going to charge any of them with attempted manslaughter for not wearing face masks.”

Initially, the protesters peacefully slurped drinks from a nearby Oberweis Dairy Store to express their displeasure at the close vote count between Underwood and Oberweis.  One protester described their action as “Oberweising” and hoped it would catch on among conservative activists.

The protest became violent when they couldn’t agree on a chant.  Some wanted to chant “stop the count” because Oberweis currently has the most votes.  Others wanted to chant “Count the Vote” because they feel Oberweis will get more votes as mail-in ballots arrive.

“We have to stop counting because the Cook County Democrats are flooding our district with fake ballots!” said one protester.

“Shut up Normie!” replied another protester.  “The Libtards are throwing away Republican votes.  We have to make sure they’re counted.”

Neither side provided proof of their allegations and started brawling instead.  That forced the deputies to make arrests.  All 15 were released after spending an hour in jail.  Mysteriously, no charges were filed, and there is no record of the arrests.

Oberweis denied any knowledge of the protest:  “I don’t care about fake news.  I care about splitting up Illinois—I mean serving the legal residents of Illinois.”

3. Interstellar court dismisses lawsuit to throw out Illinois election results

Despite Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar shouting, the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to invalidate Illinois’s election.

“‘Michael Madigan’ is not a sufficient reason to throw out several million valid ballots,” said Judge Kilos Sturgon.

Claar responded with an unprintable comment, and added:  “Do I need to bring in (Will County Chief Judge Richard C. Schoenstedt) to educate you?”

“Maybe he can educate you about the concept of showing contempt towards the court.  You wouldn’t like my teaching style.”

Sturgon laughed at the proposed remedy of having President Donald Trump appoint all elected officials in Illinois and Illinois’s Electoral College delegates.

‘Don’t laugh at me,” countered Claar.  “Illinois has disenfranchised Trump supporters for years.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“It means whatever will help my President.”

“Try enjoying your retirement for a change,” said Sturgon before dismissing the lawsuit.

Melisa Quinones, a lawyer representing an anonymous resident of Bolingbrook, praised the dismissal:  “The residents of Illinois made it clear they have a thirst for voting.  Ruling in favor of Roger would have been the equivalent of pouring sand down their throats.  Voting is like water, and Illinois residents need water— Just not at outrageous rates.”

4. Illuminati forces Jeanne Ives to wear the ‘shoes of shame’

After Jeanne Ives failed to unseat Representative Sean Casten, the Illuminati sentenced her to wear the “shoes of shame” for one week.

“Our operatives risked their lives for your campaign,” said Master Councilor Lev.  “You wasted their time posting ugly signs.  You spent more time complaining about state officials than you did running against Sean.  Do you even know what office you were running for?”

 “Of course,” replied Ives.  “I was running to be (Governor J.B. Pritzker’s) boss.  I was so looking forward to firing him.”

“Wrong is too weak a word to describe your thinking.”

Ives was offered a chance to apologize for her failure but refused.

“I’d rather be wrong than wearing a mask in fear of the Chinese virus.  Would you like a patch?”

For the next week, Ives will have to wear a pair of glow in the dark yellow tennis shoes with bells.   Ives, however, says she is not concerned:  “I only ran for Congress to keep my name in the news.  They’re making a big deal out of nothing.  They’ll come around when I run for Governor.  Or President.  Whatever will put me in charge of Illinois, that’s what I’ll run for.”

When reached for comment, Casten replied, “I’m happy the voters sent me back to Washington, but it won’t be the same.  Some of my friends won’t be back, the Squad gained more members, and I’ll have to listen to QAnon members make vile accusations against me.”

5, Trustee Jaskiewicz rescued from the Hidden Lakes Monster

Village workers rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz hours after the Hidden Lakes Monster captured his submersible pod.

“I’m fine,” said Jaskiewicz.  “The monster is fine too.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a submarine in Hidden Lakes?”

According to anonymous village employees, on Election Night, the village trustees were sent to secure locations in case of election-related violence.  Jaskiewicz was assigned to hide inside a submersible pod under Hidden Lakes.  Hidden Lakes is also the home of the Hidden Lakes Monster.  It’s the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.

“We thought the monster was in hibernation,” said an employee.  “I guess the warm weather, and the excitement of election day woke it up.”

After Jaskiewicz’s pod was placed into Hidden Lakes, the half duck half sea serpent creature wrapped itself around the pod and pulled it into the deepest part of the lake.

“Sure,” said the employee.  “Most of Hidden Lakes is shallow and was once a trout farm.  But certain areas are up to a mile deep.  That’s where the creature hides, and why it took us a while to find Bob.”

Once found, divers lured the monster away from the pod with birdseed.  Then they were able to raise the pod to the surface.

“There’s still a risk of violence related to the election,” said Jaskiewicz.  “Some politicians should know better.  Anyway, this time I’m going to be sheltering in a safe place, rather than the bottom of Hidden Lakes.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook tells residents not to be afraid to vote (Fiction)

An alleged PSA from the Village of Bolingbrook to calm residents’ fears of voting during the 2020 election.

By Reporter X

Despite concerns about election day chaos and violence amid a pandemic, Village of Bolingbrook officials insist it is safe to vote this week:

“We’re going the extra light year,” said Dena Z. DeProsse, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Aliens are still banned from abducting residents, the reptoids are staying underground, and our wereskunks promise not to spray voters.  Be assured, it will be safe for our residents to vote this year.”

While there was concern that Space Force pilots based in Bolingbrook might try to shoot down UFOs delivering absentee votes from other planets, Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry confirmed that those ballots have already been processed:

“We got the ballots.  Sorry you won’t be able to write about dogfights over Joliet, but everything is under control!  Are we done?  Because I’m kind of busy right now.”  

In the background, a person said: “The Russians, Iranians, and Chinese are fighting each other to hack our servers.  They’re canceling each other out right now, but it’s only—”

“Babbler” replied Ferry.  

“Oh (expletive deleted)!”

“I’ll take care of it.  You call Charlene and tell her that I’ll ask DuPage Township to reassess her property tax value if she doesn’t call off her friends.  As for you, tell your readers not to worry about anything except Republican Judges deliberately throwing out Democratic ballots.  It’s going to be an interesting election!”

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement saying they would protect voters as well: “Fascism won’t be stopped by thin blue lines.  It is stopped by people standing up for democracy.  We’ll keep the fascists out of your voting booth.  Please do your part to vote them out of office!”

Will County residents can find their voting information at  https://www.thewillcountyclerk.com/elections/

DuPage County Residents can find their voting information at https://www.dupageco.org/election/

The Babbler will post an ‘Election 2020 Special Edition‘ on our web site following election day.

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial:  People died for our democracy. Vote to defend it
Bolingbrook denies building permit for Church of COVID
Weredogs vow to protect polling places
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Palatine fines UFO for displaying political ad over early voting site (Fiction)

A UFO displays an ad for State Representative Tom Morrison.

By Reporter X

The Village of Palatine fined a UFO crew for displaying a political ad for State Representative Tom Morrison while hovering over its early voting site. 

“We don’t care if your spacecraft is 100 feet from the pooling place or 1 foot,” said Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Visitors are not allowed to display political ads that are visible from a Palatine polling place.”

According to eyewitnesses, the UFO displayed its Morrison ad intermittently while hovering over the site.  Experts believe that one person out of ten waiting in line to vote might have seen the craft.

Corey, a Palatine resident, was one of them:  “I was going to vote for Tom anyway, but seeing his ad on an alien spacecraft made me feel better about my vote.  If aliens don’t think women should have equal rights, then Tom has an alien mind!”

Palatine resident Paula also saw the ad:  “That ad made me mad because that means there are homophobic aliens up there.  You can be a bigoted (expletive deleted) even if you’re from another world.”

Claudia Z. Marshal, a lawyer for the UFO Crew, says her clients plan on contesting the fine:

“My clients do not recognize the New World Order’s claim over Palatine’s air space.  They only acknowledge Clow UFO Base’s jurisdiction over all of Chicagoland. Clow, as most people know, is controlled by the Illuminati.  The Illuminati allows its visitors to display UFO ads, and Bolingbrook actively encourages the practice.  Palatine has no right to extort money from my clients!”

Marshal claims that the Morrison campaign is threatening to sue her clients over the ads:

“Yes, my clients changed the text of the ad from ‘tax fighter’ to ‘tax cut fighter.’  It was a simple misunderstanding because Representative Morrison opposes a law that will give 97% of Illinois residents a tax cut.  My client’s contact is clear.  No refunds, no matter how rich your supporters are.”

A campaigner staffer said Morrison was busy meeting with voters and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Morrison said: “While you’re waiting to vote, I’d like to introduce myself.”

“I know who you are.  I’m your opponent, Maggie Trevor.”

“That won’t stop me from lecturing you.”

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base referred all questions about the incident to Bolingbrook’s mayor. 

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Please tell your readers to wear a mask so we can reopen our bars and restaurants.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled:  “Mayor Mary may be a trustee mayor abomination, but I forbid you to call her that!”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Come on!  All the cool bots are doing it in Bolingbrook Politics. If you want to become the next mayor, you have to trust me.  You’re nice, but you can’t out-nice Mayor Mary.  You have to let me go QAnon on her.  You don’t how much trouble I went through to get access to the triple code.”

“I don’t care.  I can’t let you make such a vile and false accusation against a fellow trustee.”

“You’ve got it all wrong.  Thanks to Elon Musk, ‘pedo’ is legally considered a generic insult, like (expletive deleted).  We can’t help it if some voters jump to the wrong conclusion.”

“You’re using the abuse and exploitation of children to bully your political enemies.”

“And?”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force to expose its troops to COVID-19
Trump threatens to sell Chicagoland to Canada.
Village to produce ‘Snowy the Bolingbrook Skunk’ movie
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

FTB Presents: A Dark Web (Part 1)

Freethought Blogs is proud to present an epic tale of..whatever the twisted minds of our bloggers can come up with.  If you survive this tale of anarchistic terror, consider making a donation or checking out the other spine-tingling happening for FTB’s October event!
As the night consumed the last rays of sunlight, the glowing neon lights of Lucy’s Bar and Grill stood out in the darkness like a lighthouse in a sea of ripe cornfields.  The residents of Gabrel’s Crest, population 300,  had long since retreated to their homes after an afternoon of trick or treating.  Curtains covered all the residential windows.  Not a single porch light was turned on.  Mary’s Meat Shop and Joe’s Relics, the only two businesses in Gabrel’s Crest, were closed for the night.  Cars streamed towards Lucy’s, like illuminated blood flowing towards a glowing heart.  Lucy’s full parking lot forced most of the guests to line their cars along Gabrel’s Crest small roads.  The visitors to Gabrel’s Crest, many wearing costume masks and almost none wearing protective masks, filled the otherwise still cool fall air with laughter and chatter as they walked towards Lucy’s.
A portable sign promised a “Very Special Halloween Party.”  On top of the sign, an LED display scrolled the following message:  “Abandon your cares and hope you have a good time at Lucy’s.”
Several yards away, a black pickup truck waited near the intersection of State Highway 1 and Chris Road.  The four occupants each wore dark neck gaiters and baseball caps.  One detached a badge from her belt.
(Part 2 is at Freethinking Ahead!)
(Part 3 is at Impossible Me!)
(Part 4 is at Death to Squirrels)
(Part 5 is at Oceanoxia)
(Part 6 is at Pharyngula)

Bolingbrook Antifa repels invasion by the Edgar County Irregular Militia (Fiction)

The first day of early voting in Bolingbrook started with Antifa repelling the Edgar County Irregular Militia’s attempt to “secure” the Fountaindale Library.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“It was a war zone!” said Patricia, who lives in the Beaconridge subdivision.  “All the drones, bear mace, milkshake mix and paint was too much!  I know Bolingbrook is the best place to live, but why are armed (expletive deleted) from Edgar County so obsessed with us?”

Joyce, a New Lenox resident who asked that we not use her last name, spotted the militia convoy while on a walk:

“They were all riding in black pickup trucks.  Most of the trucks were flying Trump and US Flags.  Everyone one of them was armed and none of them knew a thing about gun safety.  I’m surprised they didn’t shoot each other.  When the convoy stopped, they told me to take off my mask and ‘resign.’  Whatever.  One guy was nice and told me to stay away from the Fountaindale Library.  What really scared me was the artillery the rear trucks were towing. So I warned my friends in Bolingbrook Antifa that they were coming.”

According to sources embedded within Bolingbrook Antifa, Antifa launched scout drones to observe the approaching convoy.  The militia responded by shooting down several of them.  

Pete, a Bolingbrook resident, claims that militia scouts accosted him while he was walking with his wife  towards the library:

“These strange men were wearing Hawaiian shirts and bulletproof vests.  They walked up to us and tried to convince us that residents of DuPage Township weren’t allowed to vote early.  I tried to ignore them, but they said they were doing me a favor.  They said if we didn’t go home, the Edgar Calvary would arrive to perform a mass citizens’ arrest.  I asked them what gave them the right to arrest Bolingbrook voters.  They said the Illinois Code gives Edgar County Residents the right to pass judgment on the rest of the state.  That explains a lot of things.”

According to Pete, and other eyewitnesses, the scouts stopped harassing voters when an apparent group of protesters marched towards them.  From the distance, they carried the following two banners:  “Pineapple Pizza Forever!” and “Ketchup and Hot Dogs go together!”

“Stand your ground!”  Yelled one militia member as he raised his rifle.

“You can’t shoot protesters!” protested Pete.

“Why not,” asked the militia member.  “I feel threatened, so I can shoot anyone I want, and true patriots will give millions of dollars to our lawyers.  Then we can make a living collecting speaker fees from conservative think tanks.  Why wouldn’t I shoot protesters?”

The militia members opened fire on the protesters, which turned out to be mannequins mounted on robot vacuums.  As the militia members examined the remains of the mannequins, Antifa members, hiding behind trees, tossed milkshake mix grenades at them.  The militia members retreated.  

According to Pete: “They said their shirts were ruined and we laughed at them.  They did look silly after all.  Anyway, they ran away, and said we were going to be sorry.”

When the main convoy drove into Bolingbrook from South Bolingbrook Drive, Antifa used their robot vacuums to drag spike strips onto the road.  The spikes took out several of the trucks.  The leaders decided to set up a “beachhead” in the Bolingbrook Commons parking lot.  

As the militia started to set up their artillery, milkshake mortar shells rained down on their base.

“Do not resign!” yelled a militia leader, according to eyewitnesses.

Ken, a Romeoville resident who asked that we not use his last name, said:  “I felt like I was back in Iraq, only the insurgents were fighting with dairy products instead of IEDs.  I guess if we have to descend into civil war, I’d rather deal with dairy stains than bombs.”

According to radio and internet messages intercepted by reporters and other experts, the militia planned on firing “COVID” shells at the library.  From the chatter, the shells would explode over the library and rain droplets filled with the COVID-19 virus.  It is not clear whether the shells really contained the virus.  Some of the militia members seemed to believe that their COVID attack would drive away “libs” while Republicans would stay in line to vote.

Then, according to eyewitnesses and sources close to Bolingbrook Antifa, the steering committee asked for air support.  Antifa members replied that the planes were stuck on the runway at Clow Airport due to the lack of a flight plan.

Steve, a Bolingbrook resident, claims he overheard the steering committee meeting while going for a walk:

“On the other side of the fence, they were arguing how they were going to get the planes off the ground.  One of them spoke up and said it was time for a leadership moment -Whatever that means.  Any way, he must have called Clow Airport because he demanded to speak with the traffic control manager.  Then he did the best impersonation of (Former Mayor Roger Claar) that I ever heard.  It was like: ‘You know who I am?  Good!  Get my planes off the ground now, I  may not be the mayor, but my campaign fund is bigger than yours, and I know how to use it!  No, you should’ve had them off the ground five minutes ago!’  I hope Roger doesn’t find him, because I know he hates it when people impersonate him.”

Seconds later, private airplanes dropped cluster paint bombs on the militias, ruining their uniforms, guns, trucks, and equipment.

“Remind me to never play paintball with Bolingbrook Antifa.”

Witnesses heard the militia members complain about being unable to access the Edgar County Watchdog’s web page. 

“Fall back!” yelled one of the leaders.

“But we swore not to resign!”  said a member.

“We’re not resigning.  We’re reassigning!  Big difference!”

Under attack, the militia retreated south.  As they left, some witnesses said they saw DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford run after them.  According to the witnesses, she yelled: “You can’t leave!  Kirk said you were going to liberate the township.  Don’t leave me!”

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement following the clash with the Edgar County Irregular Militia:

“To paraphrase Roger, there are residents and there are foes.  Today, we defeated the fascist foes of democracy in Bolingbrook.  We will resist any fascist attempt to intimidate or harm the residents of Bolingbrook.  But we can’t do it alone.  We need every resident to vote in this election.  We’ll punch the downstate fascists for you.  You just need to vote against fascism in this election.  Together, we’ll keep Bolingbrook the most awesome community in Illinois!”

A spokesperson for the Edgar County Irregular Militia referred all questions to the Edgar County Watchdogs and added: “We will not resign until Trump is named the rightful President of the United States, and DuPage Township is dissolved!”

A person who claimed to be a member of the Edgar County Watchdogs denied any ties to the militia:

“You don’t like us, and since we’re friends with Alyssia, you must not like her too.  Since you don’t like her, that makes you a racist!  You must resign.”

Also in the Babbler:

State Representative Tom Morrison accused of spraying pheromones at voters
Here we go again: Covid Restrictions return to Bolingbrook
Aliens deliver humanitarian aid to Clow UFO Base’s ‘Doomsday Crew’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

James Randi dies at 92 (Non-fiction)

Jame Randi and me at Tam 8.

I wish this was fiction, but James Randi died yesterday. For decades he was the most famous advocate for skepticism.  From the 1970s on, he was often brought on by television to debunk psychics and other paranormal claims.  He was a frequent guest on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show  His feud with Uri Geller was legendary and the source of three lawsuits and other legal threats.   He was one of the co-founders of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, which later became the Center for Skeptical Inquiry. He later went on to form the James Randi Educational Foundation, which hosted The Amazing Meeting, which was the premier event within the skeptical movement until the foundation’s restructuring in 2015.

He was the most famous founder of the modern skeptical movement, and he was the closest equivalent to their patron saint.  But he couldn’t prevent the movement from fracturing.  The “deep rifts,” his failure to stand up to the extremely problematic leaders of the movement, and the demise of the JREF under DJ Grothe lead to the downfall of what was a growing movement.

Despite his flaws, he did inspire many to embrace science and reason and reject blind faith in the supernatural.  He might have even inspired others to go further and reject a belief in God too.

I was one of those people he influenced.  His demonstrations and writings helped make the long transition from a believer to someone who tries to practice skepticism.  He was also one of the reasons I became involved in skeptical activism in Chicagoland.

I was fortunate enough to get to know him at two TAMs, and I got to introduce him to my future wife.  He said he liked my writing in the Babbler and was always friendly towards me.  I was fortunate to meet him just before things went crazy within the movement.

One of my fondest memories of him was the night before my first TAM.  We’d gathered at one of the South Point’s Casino’s bars to chat and drinks.  After about an hour, one person stood up and started clapping.  Others started to join him.  I looked around and saw that Randi by one of the stairs to the bar.  I joined the standing ovation.  For that moment, the conflicts in the movement–The religious versus atheist skeptics, the skeptics who favored expanding the scope of skepticism versus skeptics who feared “mission drift”– didn’t matter.  We were united in our love for James Randi and his work.  He was the reason we were gathered and the reason many of us embraced the cause of skepticism.

His memory and his example will be a blessing to me.

Dr. David Gorski on the ‘Great Barrington Declaration’ (Non-Fiction)

Dr. David Gorski over at Science-Based Medicine has a great post on the Barrington Declaration:

As for herd immunity, listen to this epidemiologist explain why, without a vaccine, trying to reach herd immunity is unlikely to be successful without massive death:

The main problem is something very basic — herd immunity requires IMMUNITY to the disease. When people are proposing herd immunity as an exit strategy for COVID-19, what they are implicitly arguing is that, once infected, you cannot get the disease again — you are immune.

Unfortunately, we know that this simply isn’t the case. There are already widespread reports of people getting reinfected with COVID-19, and worryingly some of these people are having MORE severe infections the second time around. This makes herd immunity in the traditional sense largely unreachable, because some people can clearly get infected and transmit the virus on to others over and over again.

We also don’t know how long the immunity will last even in people who get infected and are then immune. Some people may be immune for months, some for years, some for their entire lives — we simply have very little idea and won’t know for sure for a while yet. If large swathes of the population are infected this year but do not develop long-lasting immunity, chances are we’ll have epidemics in the future as well.

He also notes that this pretty much demolishes the Great Barrington Declaration’s suggestion to have nursing homes staffed only with people who’ve recovered from COVID-19. Why? Because it’s unknown how long their immunity will last, and that immunity might be very transient!

While COVID fatigue is a problem in the United States, Gorski shows that giving up on public health isn’t the answer, and is an act of genocide.

QAnon and George Soros clash at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

What was supposed to be a debate between QAnon and George Soros quickly devolved into a series of personal attacks.The event was sponsored by the Bolingbrook Jaycees Secret Alumni Society.

“You’re poisoning democracies with your lies and recycled anti-Semitism!” charged Soros.

“There’s nothing wrong with spreading a little blood libel,” countered QAnon, a leading member of the Illuminati.  “You, on the other hand, promote open societies over secret societies.  That makes you the real monster!”

“I survived the Nazi occupation in Hungary and escaped communism,” Soros replied.  “How dare you call me a monster!”

“And I survived being an Illuminati Standard Bearer!” she snapped back.  “You don’t get any lower than that.  So spare me all of your anti-Semitism kills crap.  I’m the real victim here!”

QAnon and the socially distant audience were at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, while Soros addressed the audience over the Internet from a secret location.

The debate started with formal opening remarks.  QAnon talked about her rise from lowly Illuminati employee to the leader of a growing political movement:

“It’s been an amazing journey.  I’ve gone from posting others’ propaganda to creating my own reality.  I took the ashes of the failed Pizzagate conspiracy and turned it into a religion!  I’ve turned Donald Trump from a broke pervert into an anti-pedophile superhero.  Every time they say I’m going to fade away, I come back stronger than ever.  Oh sure, I kind of got lucky when COVID-19 hit, but I was going to come back anyway!”

Soros used his opening statement to talk about the Open Society Foundations:

“Humanity is best served by governments that are accountable to their people, not to secret societies.  Governments function best when they allow the free and open exchange of ideas.  Secret societies promote neither.  That is why I hate both the Illuminati and the New World Order.”

“Okay,” QAnon replied as she made the “Okay” sign.  She then looked down and said: “Hey, Dad!  If you’re looking up at me, you just saw me trigger George Soros.  He still doesn’t know who you are, Dad.”

Before the debate ended in a shouting match, Soros said he did consider membership in the New World Order, but declined the invitation:

“I’m glad they want global stability, but in the end, they’re a secret society, just like the Illuminati.  Secret societies shouldn’t be deciding the fate of nations, and I couldn’t justify being a member of one.  The New World Order can’t be reformed, and neither can the Illuminati.”

QAnon replied: “And yet the world will remember you as the root of all evil, while I will be compared to Jesus!”

“The Illuminati and their allies have recycled anti-Semitic conspiracies and replaced ‘Jew’ with ‘Soros.’  Secret societies have a long and shameful history of framing the Jewish people for their actions.”

“What are you complaining about?  The Pax Aeternum started that practice centuries ago.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s nothing personal.”

“Only an antisemite would think it wasn’t personal.”

“Don’t call me an antisemite.  I used to have a Jewish friend.”

“Used to?”

“Yeah, until she accused me of using her as a shield, and broke it off.”

Both of them then started shouting unintelligibly for several minutes until the organizers ended the debate.

“We were hoping for a thoughtful debate on the future of humanity,” said Barb X. Yount, one of the organizers.  “We want to believe that sunlight is the best disinfectant, but weeds also like sunlight too.”

Barb said that the sponsors were open to hosting separate speeches by QAnon and Soros in the future.

Two members of the village board were present at the debate.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order, said: “I can’t believe I risked my life to attend this shout fest.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the Illuminati, said: “I was just here to perform the Glowing Orb Ritual.  I think I did a good job.  I didn’t really pay attention to the debate because I’m still getting texts from residents asking me why I’m not the acting mayor.  Would you want to be the acting mayor right now?”

Also in the Babbler:

Men in Blue foil militia’s plan to bomb Clow UFO Base
Kamala Harris sends a video message to Clow UFO Base’s ‘Doomsday Crew.’
Wereskunk arrested for eating yard signs.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.