I’m still working on the redlines for my novel, The Rift, which is still on track for release this year. On Tuesday, I’ll debut a new blurb for it.
In the meantime, my free eBook, Pathways to Bolingbrook, is part of two Prolific Works giveaways. It’s two short stories set in the same universe as The Rift.
You can download my book, along with several other free Sci-Fi and Fantasy books. eBooks
Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are outraged that a proposed garbage collection contract will allow residents to rent garbage toters.
Liz, Bolingbrook Priestess of Paper, said: “Even thinking about allowing toters is sacrilegious!(Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) promised the Easter Skunk sanctuary for all of Chicagoland’s skunks. Our cousins risked their lives during the Great Scampering for the promise of free garbage. Bolingbrook cannot break this divine promise.”
Liz hopes the board can be persuaded to change the contract. She stated: “We’re going to tell voters that toters are not free, therefore they are a threat to freedom. This should mobilize enough voters to intimidate the board.”
Pog, leader of the werekunk’s Defender Caste, said the wereskunks will cause “bad trouble” if Bolingbrook ends its toter ban: “Our cousins depend on unlimited access to Bolingbrook’s garbage. Many will starve if the buffet is closed! We cannot allow this to stand.”
Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released a statement stating the Village is prepared to deal with any disruptions. It said: “We have ample supplies of de-skunk solution. We have access to spray-proof suits and respirators. We hope they will not be needed. It is in the wereskunk’s best interests to continue to support the First Party for Bolingbrook.”
Pog said they will not be intimidated into silence: “When most of us endorsed Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, we thought we were supporting the female version of Roger. Instead, we got a clone of (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere)!”
Alexander-Basta denied being a clone of Traynere: “Look, the residents want the option to rent garbage toters, and we’re giving it to them. Otherwise, I would have to spend the next seven years listening to toter supporters’ complaints. Would you want that?”
Claar then broke into the Zoom session and said: “I let you win one election and you brought drugs and toters to my village.”
“Your screen is frozen, Roger.”
“I’m not falling for that again. You’re bringing those ugly things into my village. Chicago has toters. Do you want to turn Bolingbrook into Chicago?”
“Of course not. I just don’t think it’s the role of the government to ban toters. Home Owners Associations can do a better job of banning them. You don’t want big government in Bolingbrook, do you?”
“I hope you’re right.”
Claar left the session.
“That should give me about a week of peace and quiet.”
Also in the Babbler:
Clow officials question UFO crews that flew over the Buccaneers’ playoff game
All of Clow UFO Base’s union members are vaccinated
Mayor Alexander-Basta considers using expensive wallpaper in her private bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/27/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.
I’m clearing out the redlines for my novel, The Rift, this week. So in honor of Martin Luther King Day, I’m posting his last speech, delivered on April 3, 1968. He was speaking to support striking sanitation workers in Memphis, TN. He was assassinated the next day.
We have made progress since then, but we’ve also been backsliding. Especially with the gutting of the Voting Rights Act. Honestly, I’m not optimistic that the Senate will pass the John Lewis Voting Rights act, but I would love to be wrong. Arc of history doesn’t bend by itself. It has to be bent by us, and we have to deal with the people trying to unbend it.
In between editing my upcoming novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, and learning about self-publishing, I submitted my eBook cover to Reedsy’s blog for a live cover critique. (Reedsy is basically a high-end site to hire contractors for publishing projects. You can hire people who used to work at the publishing houses, but you’ll pay for it.)
When I heard that over 600 people submitted their covers, I didn’t expect mine to be picked. So I was pleasantly surprised when they mentioned my book. The slide had the wrong author’s name, and I provided a short blurb. Other than that, I’m thrilled that the host and Caitlin B. Alexander, illustrator, liked it.
The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming soon. Cover designed by Astre Encre Covers.
Several packs of weredogs clashed with wereskunks running a COVID pop-up testing site inside Bolingbrook Commons. Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (DPA) arrested 25 weredogs and two wereskunks.
“Let us be clear,” said Belinda Z. Guerra, spokesperson for the DPA. “These were very bad dogs. They attacked entrepreneurial wereskunks trying to make a profit. These dogs will be punished!”
Bolingbrook officials confirmed that the test site, which had only been opened for a couple days, was a total loss due to the wereskunks “defensive spraying.” Guerra refused to comment on the reports but confirmed that the village was working to “deskunk” the storefront. He stated, “This is the one time the village is glad Bolingbrook Commons is mostly empty.”
Peter, who did not want his last name published, witnessed the attack while waiting for a test:
“It was horrible. First, this scruffy guy without a mask was shoving a cotton swab too far up my nose. Then I saw dozens of monster dogs charging at the clinic. The scruffy guy said I still owed him $500 for expedited testing. Then he turned into a monster skunk and lifted his tail. I sped away before I got sprayed or mauled.”
Beth, who declined to have her last name published, also witnessed the attack:
“When the attendant pulled a testing kit out of a trash can, I was starting to have a bad feeling. However, I was desperate: All the home kits are sold out, and have you seen the waiting lists at the other places? Anyway, the attendant turned into a giant skunk, and two giant dogs pounced on him. Another giant dog landed next to me. I screamed, but it sniffed me and said I didn’t have COVID. He did it for free and in the middle of a battle. What a nice monster dog!”
The weredogs released a statement claiming they were combating fraud:
“They weren’t testing the samples. They were stealing people’s private information and overcharging for free tests. They’re bad skunks. If the Village Board won’t stop them, we will!”
The wereskunks also released a statement claiming they are the real victims:
“Those dumb dogs attacked us because we were accepting the money and personal information residents were giving us. Bolingbrook has always been generous to our skunk cousins and us. While other suburbs encase their garbage in toters, Bolingbrook residents leave their garbage in easily accessible plastic bags. That’s why we always put Bolingbrook First!”
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied there was a weredog attack in Bolingbrook, or that the wereskunks were running a fake testing clinic:
“You should write about how I’m celebrating Law Enforcement Appreciation Day. Police risk their lives to keep Bolingbrook safe.”
Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer then entered the office and said: “Hey, Mayor Basta! Great post today, but you might want to lay off the Thin Blue Line imagery. There are other ways to show your appreciation besides using a flag that’s been co-opted by white supremacists and flown at the Insurrection.”
“Out!”
Also in the Babbler:
Clow UFO Base revokes day passes as Omicron spreads across Bolingbrook
Trustee Watts completes the Illuminati’s ‘Burning Mile’ rite
Former DuPage Township Trustee threatens to audit Palatine’s UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
I’ve made the last-minute decision to take part in this one. It starts at 4 PM CST and our special guest is Dr. Tara Smith, Professor of Epidemiology at the Kent State University College of Public Health.
I’m in the final editing push to complete my novel, The Rift, and get it ready for publication. So no Babbler article this week, but I should have one next week.
In the meantime, I’ve set up an email list so I can send out book announcements, possible appearances, and general blog updates. Sign up now, and you’ll get access to a free ebook, Pathways to Bolingbrook. It’s two short stories set in the Babbler Novel Universe, instead of the universe where the web articles are set. Think of it as a taste of what to expect in the main novel.
The test readers enjoyed an earlier draft, and I’m making changes based on their feedback to improve it. I’m still aiming to release The Rift before the middle of the year. After so many years, it’s hard to believe I’m only a few months away from releasing it.
I will be distributing it on Amazon and other sites. Still working out the details on that. Hopefully, I’ll have that sorted out in a month.
Until then, feel free to join the list, and enjoy the free ebook.
Will Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta make history in 2022? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)
After failing to predict the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, our psychics made a strong comeback with their 2021 predictions. The psychics correctly predicted the insurrection and that people would escape through tunnels. They also predicted that President Biden would still be in office at the end of the year, and that he would face many challenges.
We believe our psychics are back on track, and we have the utmost confidence in their predictions for 2022. However, please keep in mind that the future is not set, and posting these predictions could alter the future. Just like we believe that there were no petition challenges for the 2021 election because we predicted the election board would throw all the candidates off the ballot.
So here is what you can expect in the new year:
***
The largest Greenland ice sheet collapse in history will cause the largest tsunami ever, devastating the East Coast. Despite the wave reaching portions of West Virginia, Sen. Joe Manchin will refuse to approve disaster relief or support the Build Back Better plan. He will deny that he really wants a massive bailout for the coal industry.
“We have too much debt, and rebuilding the eastern half of our country costs too much. It’s far cheaper for the affected states to be just like West Virginia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Kentucky to recover my yacht.”
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will say she supports rebuilding Washington DC, but will be blunt in her opposition to expanded disaster relief:
“What’s in it for me?”
***
Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta will raise eyebrows around Chicagoland when she flies the Thin Bread Crust flag over village hall. She will defend her decision like this:
“Delivery Drivers have one of the most dangerous occupations, yet their work is vital to keeping Bolingbrook’s restaurants open. We honor police officers for their bravery, but have yet to honor members of an occupation with a higher fatality rate. This week, I’m correcting that.”
Bolingbrook’s police unions will not comment about her decision until much later.
***
Elon Musk’s love for the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe hosts will grow. Tesla and Space X will spend millions of dollars advertising on the podcast. Musk will also become a regular guest, and his arguments with Dr. Steven Novella over COVID-19 will be legendary. Jay Novella will say, “Man, Elon, just sitting next to you gets me high.”
Musk will arrange for the rogues to ride on the second Starship orbital test flight. The flight will end in disaster when the Super Heavy Booster explodes during takeoff, and Starship crashes into the ocean. The hosts will survive with injuries.
“You know,” Cara Santa Maria will say, “You really should install an escape system on Starship. Even airliners have inflatable slides.”
Despite the initial hard feelings, things will improve when Elon buys the rights to be called the founder of the SGU.
***
In what will be known as the “Cop Coup,” Bolingbrook police officers will arrest the village board before they can vote to legalize all garbage toters. The officers will accuse the board of “conspiring to distribute a federally illegal substance,” because the board were also debating the merits of allowing a cannabis dispensary in Bolingbrook.
As a result, Trustee Michael Carpanzano will be installed as the new mayor of Bolingbrook:
“Gee, I’m getting messages from residents who feel strongly about this sudden police action. Regardless of how you feel, I think we can all agree that the police have a demanding job. So I urge all residents to come together and support our officers. Without them, we would descend into anomie.”
Village Co-Administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman will rush into the boardroom and demand the immediate release of the board because the police budget doesn’t have an insurrection line item. When asked how they intended to enforce their order without the police, the Co-Administrators will reply that they contacted Bolingbrook ANTIFA, and if the police do not stand down, they will post screenshots of every officer’s embarrassing social media posts online.
“All of you will suffer a fate worse than death. You will be canceled!”
The officers will surrender and resign. Carpanzano will step down as mayor. Alexander-Basta will be reinstalled as mayor. She will sentence Carpanzano to one year of house arrest, so he cannot leave his home.
“As of today, you are grounded!”
Historians will then spend years debating whether Alexander-Basta is the second mayor in Bolingbrook’s history to serve non-consecutive terms.
***
The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will become an Amazon best seller in the category of “Books set in Bolingbrook that Don’t Mention Drew Peterson”.
***
When polls suggest the Democrats might keep control of the House of Representatives, Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis will send his Florida State Guard to the temporary national capitol in Chicago to arrest President Joe Biden and all Democratic members of Congress.
“I must do what President Trump failed to do,” DeSantis will say. “I will stop the steal, and I urge all patriotic law enforcement officials to join me. It will work this time because Steve Bannon isn’t involved!”
Biden will respond by mobilizing all military branches to defend Chicago.
“Here’s the deal,” Biden will say. “We have elections. Fair elections. If you want me out of office, vote me out. Don’t send an army. That’s not how we do things.”
As the Florida State Guard and their Russian military “advisors” approach Chicago, Speaker Nancy Pelosi will send out an urgent text message.
“Our Democratic majority is in danger. DeSantis and his Republican army are marching towards us as I’m typing. Democracy is in danger and we might lose the opportunity to talk about passing the John Lewis Voting Rights Act.
“We’re also in danger of missing our FEC monthly fundraising deadline. If every Democrat like you donates…”
Also in the Babbler:
New UFO noise regulations to take effect in Palatine
Sources say: Russia training new recruits to flood Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups
Valley View mothers urge board to ban the teaching of germ theory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)
At the start of what we think history will call the raging 20s, first-term trustee Mary Alexander-Basta volunteered to be Bolingbrook’s first new mayor in 33 years. With only one abstention, the trustees elected her to be Bolingbrook’s third female mayor.
While it’s still early in her term, she’s already won a mayoral election and has shown a willingness to listen to Bolingbrook’s opposition parties. Implementing their policies, however, remains to be seen. Despite some concerns, she’s remained a loyal member of the Illuminati, despite missing several rituals since becoming mayor. Alien ambassadors have praised her for being friendly and diplomatic, as well as, “not being like the previous human administrator.” She might be the only mayor who can make a video stream of a snowplow ride entertaining.
She’s had a few missteps, like trying to bump off the garbage fee/tax referendum off the ballot by adding three referendums of her own to the March 2021 ballot. Some also question her decision to allow the Martian Colonies to maintain a military base in Bolingbrook. Her failed attempt to grow a new trustee angered some residents.
A few months into her term, Alexander-Basta gave her first interview with the Babbler. It was refreshingly non-combative. (Out of Character: There are her actual answers, and I appreciate she took the time to respond. I edited parts of her answers for clarity.)
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview!
When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 33 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.
The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her. Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.
The following are her replies to our questions:
Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?
When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees.
In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.” Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?
As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook
What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?
My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.
What have been your greatest successes?
My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.
Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?
Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020
Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?
Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.
How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?
We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.
As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon. Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population. Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?
It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.
As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago. They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse. Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook. Will you follow through on that threat?
It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.
Our psychics don’t know how long Alexander-Basta will serve as Bolingbrook’s mayor. Will she win reelection, or will Bolingbrook revert to its tradition of mayors only serving a single term? All we can say is that when her term ends, we will interview her successor. Because, as our former publisher Chris Olson used to say, as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler!
In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.
In this crisis, The Illuminati appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor because of his history of service to Bolingbrook. In 1979, he was appointed a trustee and brought peace to a divided village board. After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, Bailey appointed him administrator of The Men in Blue.
The Illuminati hoped Claar could restore order to Bolingbrook. Claar did more than restore order in Bolingbrook. His first act as mayor was to announce his loyalty to the New World Order. Instead of destroying his career, Claar became the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and its most controversial. (2017: Following President Trump’s election in 2016, he switched back to the Illuminati and Clow UFO Base is now an Illuminati controlled facility.) Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.
When the Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.
(2017: Content notice for the inappropriate use of the word, “crazy.”)
Mayor Roger Claar reveals his ‘crazy’ vision for Bolingbrook!
Reporter: Thank you for your time. We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.
Claar: Don’t get too big a head. I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers believe your stories. I’m using you to reach out to the Babbler’s sensible readers.
Reporter: OK, I guess. So, the first question. How does it feel to be the mayor?
Claar: Right now it’s kind of hectic, but it feels good. It’s like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order. No, I have a better example. It’s like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path. (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes, it will be a lot of work. Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can’t talk about campaign donations now. I’m in my office. I’m sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.
Reporter: People are donating to your campaign fund already?
Claar: Sure. I’ve been getting a lot of donations lately.
Reporter: Are they trying-
Claar: They aren’t trying anything! You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters’ way of saying that I’m doing a good job during the off years. The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow. Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me. In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.
Reporter: Thousands of dollars? Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?
Claar: Would you turn down a million-dollar campaign fund?
Reporter: No.
Claar: That’s settled. Next question.
Reporter: Um. Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base’s cover. How do you respond?
Claar: (chuckles) I’ll play along. The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow. I think that’s the wrong approach. First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s. Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base. In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.
Reporter: Businesses next to a UFO base? Are you crazy?
Claar: (Smiles) Coming from the Babbler, that’s a compliment. No, it won’t happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs. Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb. Like a tanker truck, for example. Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere. With more development, we can say, “Oh, that truck is here to fuel at the new gas stations.”
Reporter: I see.
Claar: Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base: Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook? Once I get my way, we can say, “Oh, they’re here to shop.” “They live here.” “They work in the brand new factories.” Do you understand?
Reporter: I see.
Claar: In fact, I’m going to go up to developers and say, “See this previous development? This is the most expensive home. I want you to oversee the development of a subdivision, and that’s the starting price.”
Reporter: Why?
Claar: So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook! In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook. I want them to shop in Bolingbrook. Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sales tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.
Reporter: How?
Claar: I am going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine Bolingbrook will be the home to a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.
Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall? Especially one without an amusement park?
Claar: Because it will have anchor stores people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.
Reporter: Did I hear–
Claar: Everything I do will be double-checked by lawyers and then double-checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!
Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook?
Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?
Reporter: No.
Claar: Well, that’s what I’m going to do!
Reporter: But that sounds c–
Claar: Don’t say that C word!
(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)
Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first-class golf club in Bolingbrook.
(Claar turns red)
Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!
(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)
Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.
Reporter: And missile defense systems.
Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know, if it’s such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.
Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?
Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?
Reporter: What if the market has a downturn?
Claar: Then we’ll wait for the up-turn.
Reporter: Government in the real estate business? That’s crazy! I’m sorry.
Claar: If the Babbler thinks it’s crazy, then it must be a good idea. But don’t worry. I think I’ll build two skateparks before I build the golf course.
Reporter: Skateparks? Have you seen skateboarders! They’re crazy! They must be on drugs.
Claar: If skateboarding isn’t a crime, then only law-abiding citizens will be skateboarders.
(Reporter stares at Claar)
Claar: Oh, by the time I get to that, skateboarding will be cool and the crazy people will try to figure out how to jump off high buildings without getting killed.
Reporter: I don’t know what to say. All of your ideas are so radical– and I’m not just saying that lightly.
Claar: Oh, those ideas are pretty simple compared to my ultimate dream.
Reporter: Ultimate dream?
Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, so you’ll go farther than you expected to go.
Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.
Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?
Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.
Claar: Ah. Well, if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.
Reporter: As in copying your policies?
Claar: No. As in, they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!
Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?
Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?
Reporter: Good point.
Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that I helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.
Reporter: You know, somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.
Claar: Good. I think. Well, I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.
Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.
Claar: Some things never change. You know–
(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)
Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!
Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!
(Girl runs away.)
Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.
After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”
(2017 update: Over the years, the Babbler and Claar have come to an understanding. Though he has never given another formal interview with the Babbler since this one, he has ways of getting his message to us. As the election of 2017 showed, his reputation might have been tarnished by his endorsement of President Donald Trump during the election, but he will go down in history as one of Bolingbrook’s most influential mayors.)
(2021 update: Claar stepped down as mayor after 33 years in office. To honor his years of service, the village board made him Bolingbrook’s first Mayor Emeritus. While the power of his position is debatable, he still controls the Citizens for Bolingbrook PAC and still has a personal campaign fund. He may have stepped down, but he still casts a shadow over Bolingbrook.)
Next: COVID-19 ravages the world. President Trump plants the seeds of insurrection among his supports. Facebook’s algorithm divides and enrages Bolingbrook’s residents. Protesters threaten to hold up signs outside the Promenade. Amidst the chaos, a woman volunteers to succeed Claar.