Elon Musk survives meeting with Maritan Colonial delegation at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Elon Musk

Bored billionaire Elon Musk minutes before his negotiations with the Martian Colonies broke down. (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

By Reporter X

A summit meeting between Elon Musk and a Martian Colonial delegation at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base ended in a brawl. No one died, and no one was arrested, but Clow’s medical teams had to re-attach Elon’s head to his body.

Following the incident, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta addressed the interstellar press: “Elon will be back to his normal self. For that, I apologize to humanity and the rest of the solar system.”

Alexander-Basta then thanked the Martian Colonies for not invading Earth or incinerating the surface of the Earth. She stated: “The Martian Colonies demonstrated that they are truly the most advanced civilization in the Milky Way. Their restraint  is admirable and appreciated.” Basta then picked up a piece of paper, and read aloud: “This is why we welcome the Colonial peacekeepers stationed in Bolingbrook, and we appreciate that they are using their superior technology to disguise this base as an Amazon Fulfillment Center. If they want to build a space elevator—” She then looked backstage and said, “Can we talk about this without getting annihilated? No?”

Clow officials then showed security holograms of the events leading up to the brawl. It started with Musk demanding 420 square kilometers of Martian territory for his future base, and access to the “Qzist.” When asked why, Musk replied, “You have information about every human on Earth. I could use that to humiliate my enemies and defend my freedom.”

“You mean dominate other humans and not be dominated yourself?” Asked a Colonial delegate.

“Exactly. Accessing the Qzist would be cheaper than buying Twitter.”

Later in the meeting, Musk promised to build a hyperloop to connect his colony to the Martian Colonies. A delegate was not impressed. She pointed out that Musk promised to build a starship, but instead built a spacecraft that has yet to orbit the Earth.

“You seem to promise more than you can deliver, and what you have delivered you’ve bought from others.”

Musk protested and said things would be different on Mars. “Sometimes I come up with ideas, and my engineers quit rather than build them. I even moved to Texas, and promised to pay the travel expenses if any of their girlfriends needed abortions. All I wanted in return was their undying loyalty to me. That isn’t working. But on Mars, I’ll have total control of the air, food and shelter. No unions. No liberals. I will have the freedom to make them do what I want. I think I’ll call my first colony Space Texas.”

The negotiations became more heated until Musk threatened to call them a type of sex offender. A delegate activated a droplet drone. Musk smiled and said, “My robots will protect me.” Instead, the robots started dancing. Musk frowned. “I guess I’ll have to flame all of you myself.” Musk pulled out a flamethrower and the hologram footage stopped.

When asked to comment on Twitter, Musk blocked this reporter. 

A receptionist for Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Sheldon, your campaign is in crisis, and I’m here to help.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “Crisis? How can there be a crisis when the election is still eight months away? It’s too early to think about it.”

“Too early? Have you seen Mayor Mary’s fundraising numbers? This month she raised $32,500 for her campaign fund. That’s more money than the total funds for both opposition parties combined, and she’s not spending it on lunches, cars, scholarships, or batteries.”

“It takes more than money to win a campaign.”

“But it does take money to be viable, and we won’t be viable after Ms. ‘Proudly sponsored by Weathertech’ floods our mailboxes and social media platforms with ads for her trustee candidates next year. I have to take drastic action if you want to avoid another third place finish.”

“I’m afraid to know what you have in mind.”

“Okay. Let’s just say that there are people out there who don’t like the Egyptian government, and would love to make their favorite US mayor—”

“La! La! La! I can’t hear you! Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Wheaton College to host ‘Is Richard Carrier a myth?’ conference
Governor Pritzker to promote Rep. Kinzinger by running ads against him
Interstellar Commonwealth threatens to raise abduction quota if US Democracy ends
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available now. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Visit my author site for more information about all my books.

Another Rift Review (Non-Fiction)

The Rift is here!

Siggy posted a fair review of The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.

Now there are a few issues inherent to the redemption arc. For one thing, it turns a jerk into a hero, just because he learned to be less of a jerk. I’m not sure there’s any avoiding that. But perhaps it’s less of a redemption arc and more of a wish fulfillment fantasy, where our wish is to persuade an MRA that he was wrong all along, and for feminism to win in the end. It seems rather optimistic, but I can dig it.

I appreciate the feedback from all the reviewers so far. That might change if Goodreads trolls decent on it, but so far, so good. Regardless, people have a right to love, hate, or have mixed feelings about any work. I’m happy that The Rift is engaging enough to have writers provide their thoughtful reviews of it.

Satan reviews ‘The Rift’ (Great American Satan that is) (Non-fiction)

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will be released on July 13, 2022.

Freethought Blog’s Great American Satan posted the most in-depth review of my upcoming novel, The Rift. It’s an honest and fair review and if you’re undecided about buying it, I’d strongly urge you to read this review.

Even within that subculture, the book could lose audience from its concept alone. As I mentioned, the progressives burned by the IRL conflict may have very little interest in seeing a redemption tale play out. Hopefully, the ten years since the furor began will help them get past that enough to read the novel. It handles the subject very well. Everything that starts to feel insensitive, or like a misstep, is ultimately redeemed through the story’s plot. It’s kind of brilliant at that, playing its hand with more subtlety than you might expect.

And all that said, maybe I’m not giving the average non-skeptic-culture reader enough credit here. If the price is right and you like the idea of a feminist sci-fi adventure in a tabloid UFO setting, give it a shot. And if you are in the book’s target demo – skeptic culture warriors – definitely pick this one up.

If you decide to pick it, it’s available on Amazon, and other retailers. You can pre-order the eBook version for $.99, or wait until the official launch date of on Wednesday (July 13).

Just to clarify, the novel is inspired by the web stories I’ve written over the years, but within its own continuity. It’s just like the difference between Marvel Comics and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So you don’t need to be familiar with the web stories to enjoy The Rift.

The Rift is coming next week! (Non-fiction)

It’s only five days away from the release of my novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story. The story of skeptic blogger Tom Larsen, how his determination to infiltrate the Humanist Heart congress compiles to work with his local tabloid, The Bolingbrook Babbler. This leads to him getting attacked by a weredeer, and waking up inside Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. With his confidence shattered, and being thrust into the agendas of powerful beings and organizations, can Tom accept the unbelievable truth before it’s too late?

Here another excerpt from the novel:

“My God,” Tom heard himself say.

“Common reaction,” Robert replied bluntly. “Do you remember everything you read in the Babbler?”

Tom nodded.

“Not much has changed in twenty years. Clow is still the largest urban UFO base in the world—and it’s my base.”

Tom looked back at the landing bay. The Babbler was telling the truth, at least about Clow Base. He remembered all the times he’d debunked the base’s existence. The arguments were sound, yet here he was.

Robert cleared his throat.

“It’s like being in an Asimov novel,” said Tom.

Robert shook his head. “Not enough robots. Let’s go.”

It’s nice to see years of work finally coming to fruition. You can preorder the e-book for $.99 at these vendors, including Amazon until July 12. The book goes live on July 13. If you’re looking to buy a book next week, especially during Prime Days, I hope you’ll consider The Rift!

Highland Park Community Shooting Response Fund and misc. (Non-fiction)

The Highland Community Foundation has set up a fund to help the victims and survivors of the Highland Park shooting.

To help those directly impacted by the mass shooting in Highland Park, the Highland Park Community Foundation has established a July 4th Highland Park Shooting Response Fund. All contributions to the Response Fund will go directly to victims and survivors or the organizations that support them. We hope you will contribute as generously as possible.

Here’s a list of organizations promoting gun control you can also donate to.

If there are other groups that should be added, please let me know in the comments.

Finally, Rabbi Adam Chalom of Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation was at the parade during the shooting and recounted the experience on WGN.

Village sends eviction notice to zombies inside Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

As part of a recently announced renovation of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the village sent an eviction notice to current zombie tenants. The village will also end its “Adopt a Zombie” program after three years.

“Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has generously allowed our undead residents to exist rent-free for years,” stated a press release from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs. “Now the village can no longer simultaneously subsidize them, maintain both the Bolingbrook Golf Club and Clow Airport.  The zombies have to go back to the afterlife.”

Under the terms of the agreement, the village will use the sales tax generated by the first $6.5 million of retail sales to pay for the removal and/or extermination of the zombies. In return, the owners, the Hinman Company, will spend between $10 Million to $12 million to both renovate the mall and add zombie traps. DuPage Township will offer free burials or cremations to the resident zombies.

Trustee Troy Doris personally delivered the eviction notice to the zombies. According to eyewitnesses, Doris cautiously entered one of the abandoned storefronts when out of sight of an anti-zombie SWAT team. Less than a minute later, Doris leaped out of the building and dashed back to the SWAT Team in the parking lot. Once safe, Doris showed a cell phone video to an attorney of him serving the notice to a zombie.

An eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous said: “Troy stated it was an eviction notice. Then he threw it at the zombie and ran away. The lawyer said it looked like the notice stuck to the zombie, therefore it was legally served.”

Lawyer Patricia X. Blake, who claims to represent the zombies, announced that she will challenge the eviction notice: “My clients are decent undead residents of Bolingbrook. They are not revenants, like The Crow, and they are not spreading a zombie plague. Mayor Basta’s obsession to best (former Mayor Roger) Claar has gone too far. She’s brought garbage toters to our yards. She’s allowed cannabis businesses to apply for business licenses, and now she wants to be known as the mayor who fixed Bolingbrook Commons. Well, not over my clients’ animated dead bodies!”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for DuPage Township said Supervisor Gary Marschke was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Marschke, said: “I find it quite odd that ComEd suddenly informed us that we’ve had an outstanding bill for over ten years. Since my administration has been paying our monthly bill, ComEd has had our billing address. Now we got them to waive the late fee, but the bill is still close to $1000. It’s almost as if someone hacked into ComEd and created a fake bill. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you Charlene ?”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “Maybe.” 

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: We need more than thoughts and prayers
Resident arrested after hitting UFO with an illegal firework
Man hospitalized after biting weredog
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/9/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

To life! (Non-fiction)

I didn’t attend the Fourth of July Highland Park parade and had no plans to attend. I did have friends and members of my humanist congregation who attended. Fortunately, none of them were injured during the shooting. Six people were killed, and 31 were wounded. I’m sad about the deaths and injuries, as well as shocked that I could have lost friends in an instant. And the reason could be that the shooter did it for the lolz.

Honestly, I’m still kind of processing it all. It’s one thing when shootings like this happen far away. It’s another when a neighboring community becomes a war zone.

I’ve been thinking about a scene in one of my planned books. In it, the main character says mourning and remembering the dead is important, but that it is also important to live your life and make the most of the time you have. That scene now has a new meaning for me. L’chaim!

Female Illuminati members stage walk-out following overturning of Roe v. Wade (Fiction)

Friday, several female members of the Illuminati walked out of the Bolingbrook Golf Club to protest the Supreme Court’s decision abolishing the right to abortion. The walkout occurred during a ritual performed by anti-abortion male members.

“You can’t have global chaos without freedom of choice,” said one member who asked not to be identified. “If we give government the power to control our bodies, we might as well surrender to the New World Order.”

Laura, the Illuminati Chaplin of North America, said: “This is a major step backwards in the fight for true freedom. If our wombs are not fee, then we are not free.”

Sapphire, an Illuminati Knight of Chaos, added: “Forced pregnancies only help the New World Order by controlling our bodies. We are not fighting the NWO just to create our own order! Chaos means freedom. All who oppose the right to abortion should be purged from the Illuminati.”

The dispute started shortly after Master Councilor George announced the supreme court’s decision. He claimed the Illuminati influenced the court and told the gathering to join him in celebrating the chaos that will be created by the birth of “millions of unwanted babies!”

This prompted Illuminati member Rep. Marie Newman to stand up and yell: “This is not how you create chaos. This is how you create (expletive deleted). I can’t stand the smell of (expletive). Let’s step outside and choose to breathe fresh air!”

Fellow Illuminati member Jeanne Ives also stood up. She said: “I could lie about this, but I won’t. This is the wrong time to repeal Roe. We still have an election to seize. Everyone knows that you campaign on repealing Roe, not on actually doing it. We were doing great at restricting abortion access until you made the Supreme Court ruin everything. Now abortion will be an issue in every single election—Even the township elections. Not to mention that the New World Order will have a chance to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. Then what? The Supreme Court declares the Constitution unconstitutional? I’m sorry, but for once I’m going to stand with my sisters and join them outside.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta did not join the walkout, nor did she participate in the Rite of a Thousand Cries. Alexander-Basta ordered the Village Trustees not to participate either.

“Not one word from any of you,” Basta said. “I’ve spent too much time building an apolitical reputation with everyone but Bonnie. I won’t have it ruined by the Supreme Court. For now, the ‘A’ word is not in our vocabulary!”

After performing the rite, George said female Illuminati members were overreacting. He arose and stated: “Every child bearing member will still be able to get an abortion, paid for by the order. That makes them special. Don’t you want to be special?” George added that the Supreme Court’s decision will help spark a second civil war in the United States. “State governments won’t be enforcing abortion bans because they’ll be caught in the crossfire between militias. That’s why we made the Court expand the Second Amendment. Come on, you didn’t really believe I was ‘pro-life,’ did ya?”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy dealing with the aftermath of the WeatherTech shooting and could not be disturbed. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “You know, Charlene, all the anger and tragedy this week has helped me to put things in prospective.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Me too. That’s why I’m getting my tubes tied, securing an Icelandic passport, and doubling my efforts to troll the DuPage Township into oblivion. I don’t know how much time I’ll have before the Court declares women’s rights unconstitutional.”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: The bell tolls for Bolingbrook
Weredeer unfortunately celebrate repeal of Roe
Abortion is still legal at Clow UFO Base
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Excerpt from The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story releases on July 13, 2022.

Here’s a short excerpt from The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story:

“Let’s talk about the stable boy and the rock,” said Michelle, sitting down with Tom on the couch. “As I recall, there was a little boy who was brought to a dragon’s lair.”

“Dogma the dragon.” Tom pointed to the dragon in the picture, who sat atop a pile of rulebooks.

Michelle nodded. “He looks scary. Good job.” Tom smiled. “Now, the boy was scared, but he was also thirsty. So he asked the dragon for a cup of water. Dogma said no, and told the boy if he was thirsty, he could squeeze water out of a rock. So the boy squeezed and squeezed, but no water came out. Dogma told the boy that if he believed, it would. So the boy squeezed and squeezed and believed and believed. Still, no water came out.”

“Until the knight of truth appeared and chased Dogma away.”

Michelle nodded, picking up another of Tom’s drawings, which showed a knight holding a glowing sword. “You drew that very well.”

“Thanks,” Tom replied.

“So the knight told the boy there was no water in the rock, and the boy rued his foolishness.”

“I don’t want to be foolish.”

Jason sat down with them. “Neither did the boy. He vowed to slay all the dragons of deception and asked the knight of truth to teach him how to vanquish them. The knight took him under his wing. The boy studied and trained for a long time, till one day he became a knight of truth himself, and he was never fooled again.”

Michelle frowned. “That’s your dad’s version.”

“It’s the best version. Don’t you agree, Tom?” Tom nodded vigorously. “Good. Because a very special movie just arrived.” Jason picked up what looked like a CD. Tom’s jaw dropped as he remembered the giant LaserDiscs his grandparents still owned. “It’s about a wise old man who fights dogma,” Jason continued.

“With a sword?”

“With magic.”

Jason stood up and inserted the disc into the DVD player, then joined Michelle and Tom back on the couch. He placed an arm around Tom’s shoulders and pressed play. On-screen, a magician with thick, professionally styled hair and a neatly trimmed snowy white beard appeared behind a desk.

“You know what the best part is?”

Tom shook his head.

“He’s real.”

You can preorder the eBook for $.99 at Amazon and other retailers. Otherwise, the release date is July 13, 2022.