By Reporter X

Fed up with Illinois American Water’s proposed rate increase, the Village of Bolingbrook is considering importing water from Mars.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “It’s cheaper to drill a 10 KM deep hole, pump out the water, and ship it to Bolingbrook than it is to pay Illinois American Water to deliver Lake Michigan water.”

Sources in Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs describe negotiations with the Martian Colonies as, “Surprisingly productive.”

One anonymous source said, “Normally you have to grovel before (Colonial diplomats) before they’ll consider listening to you. This time they said we could skip to the part where we fearfully ask them for something.”

Another source said, “They even told us to skip the part where we beg them not to annihilate humanity.”

According to NASA, Mars’s underground reservoirs contain enough water to create a global ocean a mile deep. The Martian Colonies haven’t touched the reservoirs, nor have they allowed any visitors to drill into them.

Alexander-Basta claims the Martian Colonies are negotiating because the Village allows the Colonies to station troops at Clow UFO Base.

“Once you accept that they’re the rulers of our solar system, and don’t argue when they call humanity an asteroid stuck in their eyes, they can be quite reasonable.”

However, the Interstellar Commonwealth might veto any agreement on environmental grounds. Because the reservoirs are home to several endangered species, importing Martian water could cause mass extinctions.

The Commonwealth released a statement which read that they will review any trade agreement before making a ruling. The statement also read, “Just because some humans think the Martian Carp looks ugly, doesn’t give them an excuse to commit genocide.”

Alexandra-Basta would not comment on the Commonwealth’s statement, but said the Village has other options.

“We could mine water from the Oort Cloud and it would still be cheaper than buying water from Illinois American Water.”

Officials from Illinois American Water threatened to charge the Babbler their “ideal rate” unless this reporter stopped asking questions.

Also in the Babbler:

Village Board declines to change Bolingbrook’s name to Elonville
Alien traveled 100 light years only to find out Naperville Ribfest is permanently canceled
Local vampires urge humans not to buy the novelette, A Fire in the Shadows
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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